11. Nikolai

11

NIKOLAI

I f I ever needed proof that I was a world-class moron, I had it now.

As soon as Amy came, milking my dick like no other woman on this earth could, remorse kicked in. I'd lost my willpower to deny myself. My need for her was too strong. Once I saw the desire shining in her eyes and I recognized the subtle lean she did to inch closer to me like she was drawn to wanting my touch, I didn't want to deny her what she wanted, either.

It was horrible timing. She'd just been kidnapped, on the verge of being sold through the Cartel's network. Her life was in limbo, a captive with no control.

She'd witnessed murders, and she saw the span of death that happened under my family's orders. It shocked her enough for her to remain quiet.

All those traumas had to be weighing on her, but when she kissed me back with such forceful intensity, I took it as the cry for help that she might not have realized she was giving me .

If she was overwhelmed by all that had happened and what she saw, I would distract her from that hell. That was my intention when I saw the depth of confusion and desperation in her eyes. I felt the grip of her body, clamoring for an escape and wishing I could provide it.

Then when she was beneath me, finally, after all my dreaming of that position, I'd been fueled with a crazy, deranged need to erase any other man's touch from her. He hadn't raped her, but his fingers had made contact with her sweet flesh, and that was a crime I couldn't erase.

I distracted her from it all, fucking her hard and fast, the way that I'd driven her crazy all those weeks ago.

But in the end, as I gave in to the need to fill her pussy with my cum, I knew it was a huge, stupid mistake.

I huffed, nursing the vodka I'd poured in the mansion's main parlor.

"Fucking idiot," I mumbled of myself, to myself, before I lifted the glass to my lips again.

I'd been struck with regret and left her there, coming home to hide from the error I'd committed. Just seeing her freshly fucked, I felt terrible, knowing I shouldn't have caved and taken her so soon. I'd snapped at her, even madder when she assumed that I was ditching her so another man could have a go at her. The very idea of ever sharing her infuriated me, but given the way she'd seen me at the Cartel's warehouse, with that soldier suggesting that she'd be passed along, I couldn't exactly blame her for jumping to that specific, ridiculous assumption.

Fucking her was a temptation I should have resisted. Now that I had, now that I'd put more life back into this unbreakable need for her, I was unsure of what to do.

Being confused wasn't a good feeling. I was a man of action, of strategy. With her, I was clueless .

I was a fucking dumbass to ever think I just needed one more taste of her, one more chance to feel her tight cunt on my aching dick. That first night with her, I was drunk, and I'd wondered if that had colored my opinions of her.

That was false. I had been sober all day and night. I'd fucked her with a clear conscience, nothing marring my ability to make decisions.

And now? All I wanted was to have her again. Soon. Immediately. And many times more.

But not like this.

She needed space and time to overcome the hell she'd faced. She had to have the freedom to accept what happened to her. Sex was physical, and it had distracted her, but at the same time, she'd sunk her claws in me deeper.

I had no business fucking her so soon after getting her out of there, and that led me to thinking back to the Cartel having her at all. They never should have aimed to pluck her off the streets. I gripped my glass tighter, fighting the urge to throw it across the room and watch it smash into pieces against the wall.

I heaved out a harsh breath, shaking my head.

The way she'd looked at me . Amy had steered clear of me in the car. She'd shied away and looked at me like I was the fucking devil himself. I felt like one most of the time. It was simply my nature to be that hard and dark. With her, the contrast was too much. She was an angel, and I was evil.

You fucking dumbass. I couldn't drink away my annoyance with myself. I didn't want to try that. It would only numb my frustration. She'd still be there, locked at my place.

Before I could derail into more self-loathing, I sat up at the sound of someone approaching. I waited at the bar until Alek joined me. He poured a glass of vodka for himself, took a sip, then leaned to face me .

I sighed, tipping my head back and then looking him in the eye.

"I don't want the men to think we're trafficking women now."

A groan left my lips as I shook my head. "We're not." How many times would I have to say this?

"Ivan told me about a couple of soldiers trying to… get a piece of the action for themselves."

I narrowed my eyes. "Yes, they did. I'll punish them." Especially the motherfucker Amy had kneed in the nuts.

"No. I've dealt with them." He rolled the contents of his glass. "Guns and drugs are fine. They'll always exist in this world, and our activity in dealing with them is no different from any other product or service."

He set his glass down hard. "But now that we know Mila is pregnant with a baby girl…"

Holy fuck. I'd guessed right. "Congrats."

"Now that I've got my own baby girl coming into the world, I can't stomach the guilt of selling women. Of participating in it at all." He faced me again, sober and solemn. "What if it was my wife or daughter who was taken or sold?"

I snorted a laugh and drank more. Looking at him, I smirked. "Like the Bratva would ever let anything happen to Mila or my niece." I meant it not only because she was part of the Bratva now and we protected all of our own, but because she was my sister now. Family. "Mila and any child you have will be protected. Safe."

I furrowed my brow.

Unlike Amy.

She hadn't gone too much into her personal details, so much so that I struggled to find her after our one-night fling. But she'd mentioned that she had no parents. That she'd been orphaned .

No one was there to protect her and keep her safe.

Obviously.

She had been alone and vulnerable to be taken right off the sidewalk in the city.

And I hated the idea of that sweet blonde being so alone, so at risk, like a sitting duck. Had I not chosen the plan of ruining the Cartel's trafficking operation, she would've still been there. Or worse.

I threw back the rest of my drink, angry all over again but also so fucking tired.

Protecting Amy and keeping her as my woman were all I wanted. The fantasy of that scenario floated in the forefront of my mind. I also hardened my heart against ever thinking it would happen, though. It couldn't. She wouldn't adjust to a hard life of organized crime.

That push and pull tugged at me and left me tired of the war within me.

"What's wrong, Brother?"

Alek wasn't pushing. He didn't pull any crap like reminding me that he was older. He didn't even try to use his power as the Pakhan to order me to fess up. I wasn't surprised that he'd noticed my mood. My brother was observant, and he cared.

"You've been acting like you failed, like the mission didn't end well." He patted my back. "You did good. All of you. Every man—except the two new soldiers who needed discipline about trying to use the women."

I shook my head. It was on the tip of my tongue to explain it all, but as I tried to collect my thoughts and rehearsed how I'd explain my actions, I couldn't. It was a mess.

"You attacked the Cartel just like we'd planned. Their operations took a significant hit. You killed many of them. And I already hear from our spies that they are pissed." He chuckled and sipped his drink. "They'll think twice about fucking with the Valkovs again."

"Yeah." Even that reply was half-assed.

I didn't know what to tell my brother. He deserved to know that I'd kept Amy away from the others. I knew I couldn't keep her for good. Not when she looked at me with such disgust that I had to count on sex to make her want to be near me at all.

"We will need to figure out how to get rid of the women. I hear a few are determined to get out. They've been locked up but not gagged. Men are feeding them and offering them basic prisoner care, but we can't risk them running back to their lives right now."

"Not with the cops allying with the Ortezes," I agreed. Many of those women would run home, then immediately call the cops. Every report of kidnapping could route right back to Steven Murphy or any other crooked officers who'd shown how little they cared about what the Cartel did. If they looked the other way, that'd be fine. Swept under the rug. If they brought those women right back to the Cartel, then all of this would've been for nothing.

Not nothing. It led me to finding Amy again and having that one more time with her, even if it was the final push to make me realize the low odds of us staying together.

"We can't let the Bratva be implicated in the trafficking operation," Alek needlessly told me. "We'll think about it and plan something. I'm leaning on sending them away with warnings. Or just waiting a while until the fucking cop is taken down."

"Yeah. Except for one." I sat up straighter, knowing another drink wouldn't change how badly I needed to get this off my chest.

"What do you mean?"

He was ignorant, and I realized that Ivan and Dmitri, and all the other soldiers who'd been there, hadn't ratted me out. None of them had told our leader that I took one of the women away.

"One of the women was a…"

He waited, arching one brow.

"A former lover of mine." I sighed, hating how it tasted like a lie. Amy had to be a former lover. She couldn't be mine again.

"Huh." Alek nodded. "That's what got you all broody, then."

I wasn't going to acknowledge that. "You can't begin to understand how surprised I was to find her there. She has no family, though, and I don't care for the idea of just transporting her someplace else and guessing that she might be safe."

"A former lover?" Alek asked now. "Or something more?"

If I told him that I felt deeply connected to Amy from the moment I saw her, he'd think that his right-hand man was an idiot, going soft.

"Nothing more," I replied, loathing every syllable of it.

Because she'd never belong with me.

She never had in the first place.

I got up and left him at the bar. That was all I wanted to share with him for now, and I felt sure that he'd trust me to see to getting Amy somewhere else, somehow. Talking about her any further would bother me, and I refused to subject myself to that much more drama and headache tonight. I'd fucked up enough for one day.

I went to my private wing and tried to calm down with the conviction that Amy would be fine at the other place. She had food. She had water. There was no way she could use anything to break out of the many locks, particularly the electronic panels over the door.

This distance was supposed to help. I couldn't go back to her, never again .

Yet as I lay in bed, well into the night, I couldn't get over the feeling that this, too, was a colossal mistake.