Chapter Twenty

Leah

I wake with the biggest smile on my face. I reach out for Darius and frown when I can’t find him next to me. I blink my eyes open only to find the space next to me vacant. I climb out of bed and grab one of his shirts from the floor and pull it on as I check the bathroom for him. Finding the space empty, I quickly relieve myself and brush my teeth before going in search of him. Before I can exit the room my phone rings and cringe at the ringtone. I rush into my room and grab it off my dresser and answer the dreadful call.

“What?” I snap.

“Good work, little mouse, four players down.” I slam my eyes closed as guilt eats away at me.

“What the hell do you want?” I grit out. He is the last person I want to be hearing from first thing in the morning. I check the time on my phone and stifle a groan when I see it’s only six-thirty in the freaking morning.

“The four players that are out aren’t the ones I told you to take out! Fix this fucking shit now or–”

“Or what? You’re gonna share the video? What proof do I have that you will even hand it over?”

His dark laughter fills the phone. “You don’t. Now be a good bitch and do as you’re told, the game is in three weeks and they better not take the fucking field.” He ends the call. I growl as I toss the fucking phone onto my bed and storm out of my room. I head downstairs in search of Darius only to find the space empty. I frown but then I hear the music playing and follow the sound to the basement, but at the sound of voices, I pause.

“Jesus!” Beck sound appalled. “I had no idea, I mean I knew something bad happened because you went from over protective to just… not giving a fuck where she was concerned.”

“Yeah.” Darius sounds so sad and it breaks my heart. I’m about to make my presence known until Beck speaks again.

“Fuck and she went to DCU with him!” They’re talking about me!

“She sure fucking did brother. Corv and I went home one year for Thanksgiving and guess who she brought to fucking dinner?” Shame washes over me knowing which Thanksgiving he is talking about.

“No way.”

“Yes, fucking way, I had to sit across the table from the motherfucker that fucked my girl and play nice because of Corvin and his parents. Want to know the worst fucking part?” Tears prick the backs of my eyes knowing how that must have looked to him. “Leah acted like nothing happened and kept shooting me hurt looks like I was in the fucking wrong! I was about to lose my best friend that night by telling him I was in love with his sister. Thank God I found her first or else I would have lost Corv for nothing.” He thinks he knows what he saw but he has no fucking idea and that has my stomach churning.

“Fuck. I had no idea man. I’m really fucking sorry that happened. I really didn’t think Leah was like that.”

“Yeah. Neither did I.” I slam my eyes closed and lean my head back against the wall as the first tear falls. I hate that he thinks of me like this but if I tell him, he will never look at me the same again! “I fucking loved her man. She was the first person I ever let in and now I’m so fucked up because of it. I can’t even look at another girl or kiss them while I fuck them because it hurts to know they aren’t her. Fuck.” The devastation in his voice is killing me! “She is the only girl I have ever kissed, how fucked is that?” He laughs but there’s no humor to it. “Want to know something else that is so fucked up?” He doesn’t give Beckett a chance to answer. “I still fucking love her and that is what fucks with my head daily!”

That’s it, I can’t listen to any more of this shit!

I round the corner with tears trailing down my cheeks, both their heads snapping up at the sound of my arrival. Darius looks devastatingly beautiful, even with the angry look on his face. I hate that I am the one who hurt him so badly. I will never forgive myself for that but I made the mistake of not coming clean when I found out months ago. If I’m going down I refuse to take any of these guys with me.

“Eavesdropping?” Darius snarls, his eyes shine with hatred and I can’t blame him for that. Beck stands to leave to give us some privacy but I shoot him a look and shake my head. “Oh, you gonna fuck my best friend as well, Goldie?”

I look back to Darius and plead with my eyes that he can see I didn’t hurt him purposely. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. “I’m sorry,” I sob. He climbs to his feet and runs his gaze up and down my body in disgust, the way he looks at me is like I’m shit beneath his shoe and it kills me.

“I thought I could give you the four days, I really did,” he says, shaking his head. “Seems I can’t do it,” is all he says before storming from the room and yanking my heart out of my chest again. Sobs tear from me, they steal the breath from my lungs as I crumple to the floor crying for the boy who was meant to be mine. I bury my face in my hands and cry, if I thought losing him the first time was bad, this time it feels like I won’t survive. Strong arms wrap around me and lift me into his lap. I cling to Beck as I bury my face in his shirt and soak it with my tears.

“Why do I feel like there is more to this story and that you never cheated on him?” he quietly asks after my sobs finally subside enough for me to breathe a bit easier. I sniff and burrow into him, he rests his chin atop my head.

“There is more but I can’t tell you,” I whisper. I feel him exhale and know he is disappointed in the fact I won’t just come clean.

“If you really love him like I think you do, you need to fix this, Leah, because Darius can’t handle another person letting him down.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“If he finds out I told you this he is going to kick my ass.”

“I won’t say anything, I swear,” I rush out.

“His dad… he left and that fucked D up more than you will ever know.” I knew about this, his dad skipped town or something when his mom got pregnant and Darius has no idea who he is. “His mom is a fucking junkie and will sell her body for her next hit. All he had was you, Corv and your parents, until Saint, Crue and me came along. Darius doesn’t have anyone, only me, Saint, Crue and your brother. For him to have trusted you was a huge thing. He let you in, Leah, and he doesn’t let anyone in.”

“I don’t understand,” I say confused.

“Leah?” He pushes me back until we are staring each other in the eyes, his face is serious. “He has never let any of us in, only you. We all know what Darius wants us to know but none of us can read him or know what his next move is. I saw it years ago. You can read him and that’s because he let you in. If whatever happened years ago isn’t what he thinks it was, you need to tell him because I won’t watch him fuck up his life again.”

“Again?” I hedge, he takes a shuddering breath and nods.

“Darius was wild and angry when we first got here. None of us knew why and he wouldn’t let us help him. He threw himself into training. He trains harder than anyone on the team and applies himself to everything he does even when we started the comp… He is crazy smart and buries himself in work because he thinks hiding from his feelings will make them go away. You coming back brought everything he thought he had worked through back to the surface and it is scaring the hell out of him.”

“It scares me too. I love him, Beck, and I hate that I hurt him but I don’t have a choice,” I defend, his eyes soften as he runs his knuckles along my cheek, not in a sexual way but in a comforting way.

“We all have a choice, Leah. You just need to decide if the choice you are making is benefiting you or not. Whatever you are hiding from and keeping from him is hurting him. Darius isn’t the type of guy to play games. If you push him too far, he will snap and you will never get him back. Make your choice, babe, but make sure it’s one you can live with.” I smile sadly up at him.

“How did you get so wise about relationship advice?” I ask teasingly, not expecting him to answer.

“I fucked up a long time ago with someone who meant everything to me, so I can relate to how Darius is feeling.”

After leaving Beck in the basement, I decided it was best for me to move out. Cody and Katie said they would make room for me in their dorm room. I took the offer and packed my shit. As soon as Beck and Darius left to hit the gym at school, I texted Cody. She drove over and helped me load my things and brought me back to their dorm. I have a futon on the floor and the room is jam packed with all our things but it beats living next door to Darius. I just need some space from him, need to think about what I’m going to do next.

I know if I go through with this plan, I will definitely lose him. Me telling him about what happened is one thing but him seeing it is another. I feel sick every time I think about it.

“Want to tell us why Da-Leah is a no go anymore?” Katie’s softly asked question pulls me from my inner thoughts. I sigh and sit cross legged on my futon as each of them lays on their beds on their stomachs facing me, waiting for an answer.

“Everything was great until it wasn’t,” I answer.

“Well what happened yesterday after you took off?” Cody asks. I fill them in on how Darius and Beck found me but I don’t share details about how the rest of our night went. What happened between the three of us is private and no one else’s business. “So, if everything was good, why are you here? I mean we’re glad to have you here but I’m just trying to piece it together.”

“My past came back to bite me in the ass and Darius can’t let it go, and I can’t explain it to him.”

“Why not?” Katie’s question is innocent but if she knew the truth she would understand that I can’t.

“Because I can’t. I wish more than anything I could give him what he wants but I’m too much of a coward.” I wrap my arms around my middle and drop my chin to my chest ashamed and disgusted in myself for the choices I have made.