Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Lilith’s hand shook as she tipped the pan, and the omelet she’d made for Julian slid onto the plate. The shower had turned off about five minutes ago, and she expected him to walk into the kitchen any moment now. She carried the plate over to the table between the knife and fork she’d laid out.

If he questioned why she wasn’t joining him, she’d tell him she’d already eaten, which wasn’t a lie, but she was too nervous to eat.

She couldn’t believe she’d basically begged the man to have sex with her. Well, maybe begged was too strong, but she’d given a huge hint when she’d said they could do what they wanted after he’d eaten.

There’d been a hint of desperation in Julian’s kiss. She didn’t know if it was because he was glad to see her, or if something bad had happened on the mission. Or had he wanted her as badly as she wanted him? She hoped it was the latter, but if it was because of something he’d seen, then she’d help him through it as much as she could.

“Something smells good,” Julian said as he walked into the kitchen, his hair damp. He wore a black t-shirt that clung to his chest and black sweats that sat low on his hips. He looked sexy and dangerous at the same time, and her mouth dried, thinking of what might happen between them.

“I’ve been working on my cooking skills while you’ve been away. I can now make an omelet and cook a steak.” Her voice sounded strong and didn’t belie the butterflies that were flitting around her stomach.

“I look forward to having you cook me a steak soon.”

Lilith scoffed. “I’m still working on not overcooking a steak, but it’s getting there.”

“Doesn’t matter how it’s cooked. You did it for me, and that means everything.” Julian dropped a kiss on her head before sitting and digging into his food.

The gesture wasn’t huge. It wasn’t like he’d picked her up and kissed her senseless. It was a quick brush of his lips, yet she felt it through her soul. Her head still tingled from his lips. She quickly grabbed the glass of ice water she’d poured for him and took a big, long gulp. A shudder rippled through her at the coolness of the liquid, but it did the trick. It gave her something else to think about than Julian’s lips on her. And what might come.

“You okay, Lil?” Julian had put his knife and fork down, his omelet half eaten. His attention fixed solely on her and the way she gripped the glass.

What did she say? Did she tell him she’d freaked herself out by saying she wanted to sleep with him? Or did she tell him that a simple kiss on the top of her head had short-circuited her brain, and she needed a cold drink to kickstart her mind again?

None of those options appealed, but she had to say something, and she didn’t want to lie to him. “I’m nervous.”

Not the greatest answer, but it was a start.

“Nervous? Of me?”

Anyone else might take offense to her words and the implication of what she’d said, but not Julian. He took it all in his stride.

“Not of you. Of what . . .” Forming the actual words was difficult for her. However, she’d come this far, she might as well keep going. “I’m nervous about taking the next step with you. I mean, I know I suggested it before you went to have a shower, but now?—”

“Now you’re having second thoughts. It’s okay if you are. I won’t make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”

Again, with a few words, Julian had proved to her how much he’d changed from the man she’d known. That Julian wouldn’t have cared what she thought. Or how she felt. He’d have taken what he wanted and that would be it. “I know you won’t. And I want this, I do. It’s just, I don’t have much experience, and I want to be everything for you.”

She was basically giving control over to Julian with her words. Giving him the power to dictate what he wanted to do with her. Yet, deep down, she knew he wouldn’t take advantage of her.

“I don’t either, Lil.”

Lilith wanted to protest. That couldn’t possibly be true. She knew how Freedom and Love had worked. The first time she’d heard the women talking about what they had to do to the men, Lilith had been shocked and afraid that she’d be forced to deal with a man treating her like nothing. Then her one experience of sleeping with a man after she’d left Freedom and Love hadn’t been satisfying at all. It didn’t help that it was her first time and the guy she was with had tried to make it good for her, but he hadn’t been able to, and so she’d smiled and said it was fine.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Julian said after the silence stretched between them.

“I don’t think you do.”

“You’re wondering how I can say I have no experience. I won’t deny that I’ve had a lot of sex with women. That was the old me who didn’t know any better. The new me knows that what I experienced wasn’t special. There was no emotional connection.” He slipped off his chair and got on his knees in front of her. “With you, it’s going to be nothing like anything I’ve done before. I’m nervous too, Lil. Nervous because I want to make this special for you. Want to show you how much you mean to me. What we are going to share is going to be nothing like what I did in the past.”

Every word pierced her soul. Pierced it in a way that was going to be everlasting. “I want that, Julian. I want to connect with you in a way that means something. That it’s not just an act. I want you. I trust you.”

Julian’s smile could’ve lit the entire street with how bright it was. His eyes crinkled in the corner. “I promise you that your trust is not misplaced.”

He didn’t give her a chance to say anything more. He stood and scooped her up from where she sat. A tiny yelp of surprise escaped her, and she wound her arms around his neck. Burying her head in the crook of his neck, smelling his clean pine scent, brought a smile to her face, and she clung to him as he carried her out of the kitchen. All her nerves disappeared with every step he took. Being with him in his arms was where she was meant to be.

The softness of the mattress hitting her back had her lifting her head. Immediately, their gazes locked, and she closed the gap between them. By initiating the kiss, she was telling him she was right where she wanted to be. She lost herself as he deepened the kiss. Her hands trailing down his back until she found the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it so she could finally touch him. His skin was warm beneath her touch, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.

Breaking the kiss, she tugged at his shirt. “I want this off,” she demanded, surprised at how powerful she felt while being in such a vulnerable position on her back.

“Anything for you.” He paused, his shirt halfway up, but she could still see his face. “And remember, any time you want to stop, say the word, and I’ll stop.”

“That won’t be necessary but thank you.” There was no way, now that they were here in his bedroom, that Lilith wanted to stop what they were doing.

While Julian took his shirt off, she found the courage to take her own off, pleased that she had a pretty bra on. She wanted to prove to not only herself, but to Julian that she was one hundred percent on board with taking this next step in their relationship. She may not be experienced, but with Julian she felt wanton, sexy, and powerful.

Was this what it was like when a person had the freedom to do what they want? Live the way they want without having to answer to or ask anyone permission to do it? If so, she didn’t plan on letting it go.

“You are so beautiful,” he murmured, his gaze hot, warming her skin as he scanned her body.

“You make me feel beautiful.” And he did. The way he was looking at her was in a way she’d never experienced before. She much preferred it to being looked at as if she wasn’t better than a cockroach.

Julian’s gaze never left hers as he reached out and trailed a finger from the base of her neck to the cleft between her breasts. Beneath the lace, her nipples pebbled, and her breath came out a little faster. Anticipation built, waiting to see what Julian was going to do next.

Her eyes drifted shut as he traced the lace edging of her bra, then brushing over her distended peak. Lilith squirmed as desire pooled between her thighs, dampening her panties.

She wanted to be naked. Wanted to feel a naked Julian pressed tightly against her. These feelings were unusual, but she was embracing them. There wasn’t anything evil about the passion consuming her. It wouldn’t send her to hell, the way both Ralph and Staunton had preached. A man’s desire was to be celebrated, but a woman’s duty was to allow the men to have the power over any intimate coupling.

It had been that thought process that had led her into her only sexual encounter. It had been unsatisfactory. She’d expected it, so she hadn’t complained. But, right now, with what Julian was doing to her, the way her body tingled, she knew this was real passion. This was how it was supposed to be between a man and a woman.

This was real. It wasn’t fake.

Julian’s movements came to a halt when he reached the waistband of the skirt she wore. “May I?” he asked.

This man seeking her permission to remove her clothes blew her mind. Then again, she shouldn’t be surprised. Julian had changed, and while she’d been drawn to the man he’d been at Freedom and Love, this man, hovering above her, was a far better person. “Yes,” she said as she lifted her hips to allow him access to the zipper at the back.

In seconds, her skirt was off, and so were his pants. They were both in their underwear, and it felt as natural as breathing to her. Julian took her hand before laying down beside her. He was being so incredibly sweet, taking his time and she appreciated it, but she was getting impatient. Her need for him was almost out of control, and she wanted the final barriers between them removed.

Again, showing that she wanted this as much as he did, Lilith reached behind her and unhooked her bra, letting the straps fall down her arms before she slipped it off and tossed it aside.

“You take my breath away,” Julian muttered as he cupped one of her breasts.

A moan escaped Lilith as his mouth replaced his hand. His tongue swirled her nipple, and a jolt of pleasure arrowed right to her core when he sucked it deep into her mouth.

Thoughts were impossible, she could only feel. Julian treated her other breast to the same treatment, and when he kissed his way down her belly, she was more than ready to lose her panties. Her fingers hooked into the elastic, but Julian stopped her. “Let me,” he husked out and pulled the thin lace down her legs.

Cool air brushed over her thighs, and a tiny shiver wracked her body. She didn’t think it was noticeable, but a second later, Julian’s warm body was plastered against hers. His hard length resting against her hipbone. She hadn’t even seen him remove his boxers, but there was no mistaking that he had.

Julian pulled her close, his mouth finding hers, and she sank into the kiss, finally getting what she wished for—their bodies aligned.

Lost in the kiss, she startled when his hand slipped between her thighs and brushed her slick folds.

“Do you want me to stop?” Julian asked.

“No!” she practically yelled. “Don’t stop. I want this so much. Make me yours, Julian,” she said a few decibels lower.

“If you are mine, then I’m yours, Lil. This is a partnership.” Julian’s tone was serious, belying the way his eyes flashed blue fire, and his hard cock was pressing deeper into her thigh.

“Yes. I want that,” she said, finding the courage to reach down and grasp his erection. A breath hissed out of Julian, along with a groan as she stroked him.

“Your hand feels so good on me.” Julian thrust a little in her hold, and Lilith wanted him inside her.

Right now.

“I want to feel you in me,” she voiced her thoughts, knowing that she needed to tell him what she wanted.

“And you will, but first, I get to pleasure you thoroughly.”

He shifted down the bed, moving her so that he could position himself between her thighs. Lilith had read about men going down on women during her short-lived freedom, but she’d never had it happen to her.

Nerves assailed her, and as much as she tried to keep herself relaxed, the tension filled her muscles.

“I’ve got you. Do you trust me not to hurt you?” Julian looked up from his position between her thighs.

Not once, during the short time they’d been in this bedroom, had he done anything to suggest that he would harm her. He wouldn’t start now. She knew that deep in her bones. “Yes, I do. I know you won’t.”

He smiled, that beautiful smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. “That means so much.” He placed a kiss over her center, and her shoulders dropped. The next time he licked her, she sighed. The time after that, she moaned and gave herself over to his ministrations. The way he sucked and licked and kissed her was gentle and hard all at the same time.

A tingling sensation built in her. Unusual but also so welcoming. It built the faster Julian sucked, reaching fever pitch as he inserted a finger in and then pulled it out, only to plunge it again. The combination of his finger and mouth pushed her over an edge she’d never fallen off. Her body shook, and a long, loud moan escaped from her.

“Oh my God, I . . .” She didn’t know what she wanted to say.

Julian kissed her belly, just above her belly button. “It’s only the beginning, Lil.”

He got off the bed, and she almost asked where he was going, but then saw that he’d opened the drawer on his nightstand and pulled out a box and then a foil packet.

Her breath caught in her throat as she watched him roll the condom down his cock. She wanted to touch it more. To learn what he liked. Make him lose his mind the way he had made her lose hers.

Julian climbed back on the bed and stroked her arm gently. “You good?”

“Yes, but I’ll be even better with you on me. In me.” Where she found the bold words, words she’d never said until today, Lilith didn’t know, but it was clear Julian liked them.

“I can never deny you anything.” He moved and settled himself over her, bracing himself on his elbows. His dick rested against the top of her pubic bone. “You want this?” he asked.

“Yes, more than anything.”

Julian reached out and took her hand, bringing it to his cock. “We do this together,” he whispered, and together they guided him to her entrance. The significance of the gesture wasn’t lost on Lilith. With this small action, Julian was showing her she wasn’t powerless in this aspect of their relationship. He was showing her they were partners. Equals.

Their gazes connected as Julian slowly entered her. There was a bit of discomfort initially, but as Julian worked his way in until he was buried balls deep, the discomfort turned to pleasure.

With each stroke in and out, Lilith fell further under Julian’s spell and hoped the reverse was happening for him too. The tingling feeling started again, and this time she knew what to expect from it and she wanted it even more than before.

“Oh, yes, J. More. Please.”

“I need you to come again. Can you touch yourself, Lil?”

Lilith reached down and found where they were joined and strummed her clit. An overload of sensations bombarded her, and in seconds, she orgasmed all around Julian. He thrust into her one more time before stilling, shouting out her name as he came.

She clutched to him, afraid that if she didn’t, she would float away. That was how boneless she felt. Her body was a mass of emotions she didn’t know how to handle, but knew that, by not letting go of Julian, he would keep her safe.

“You doing okay?” he asked, brushing his lips against hers.

All she could do was nod. She was more than okay, and it was all due to the man still buried deep inside of her.