6. Full Bowie

6

FULL BOWIE

Half an hour later, I was limping my way toward the hot tub, using the wall for support. We'd dimmed the overhead lights in the cabin, giving everything a wintry glow, and the Christmas tree gleamed with stars and baubles. Beau had sent us from the table with strict instructions to let him tackle the dishes. I'd obeyed in a daze, my thoughts still in total chaos.

We were worried seeing you with Em would make us feel too fucking jealous.

When Flora stared pointedly at my ankle and offered to remove the wrap, I'd shooed her away with the last scraps of my willpower. I wouldn't survive the intimacy, was already deeply concerned about what might happen to me when I joined them in the hot tub. If they would continue to lavish me with attention and affection despite their own awkwardness, sending my mind racing to a dozen different scenarios, each one more devastating than the last.

I made it to the door leading to the hot tub and hesitated at the sight of Flora and Beau, clearly in the middle of a whispered conversation. I couldn't make out their words beneath the sound of the bubbles, but Beau was rubbing the back of his neck. Flora's eyebrows were pinched, her hands gesturing as she spoke. There was a nervous energy to their movements, so at odds with the luxurious surroundings.

From what I could see, the indoor hot tub sat in the middle of a decadent room. Rustic wall sconces gave off an amber-hued lighting, and candle flames flickered in the reflections of the windows. The mountains were no longer visible against the inky-black sky though the storm still raged outside.

Whatever their conversation was about, it was distracting enough that they didn't notice me, hovering in the hallway. Which was good. It gave me time to take in the sight of them in their bathing suits, all that skin exposed and glistening. We'd seen each other—and our friends—half-naked plenty of times, not including the aforementioned skinny dipping in Echo Lake. But I'd always kept my gaze clinical, practically impersonal, a trivial attempt at strengthening my resistance.

Now I stared openly at the delicious curve of Flora's hips in her black bikini bottoms, the intricate tattoos decorating her ribcage. The strands of hair that clung to the nape of her neck, the shape of her breasts beneath her top.

Next to her, Beau was clad in red swim trunks, hair mussed, a shadow of stubble on his jaw. His muscular shoulders were covered in swirling black ink that also spread across his chest, covered in fine dark hair. His thick thighs were on full display, as was the Sailor Jerry-esque pirate ship tattooed on the right one.

I'd caught a glimpse of them once, kissing in an alley as a group of us left our favorite bar. Beau had wrapped Flora's ponytail around his wrist and was tugging her head back, his mouth slanted over hers. She'd hitched her leg high around his waist and his fingers were sliding beneath her skirt. She'd clung to his shoulders, her mouth meeting his over and over, their movements rippling with urgency.

It was brazenly clear to me then. They'd chosen each other, despite the many times they could have chosen me .

I'd moved to California shortly after, the image of their bodies fused together burned into my brain.

Beau noticed me first, one eyebrow arching before his lips curved into a grin. My suit was a shirt of his that grazed mid-thigh and his obvious appreciation had my knees going weak. Flora followed his gaze and touched her bottom lip. Her skin was rosy, the rising steam giving her an ethereal look.

"This hot tub is why we booked the place," she said. "What do you think?"

I stepped fully into the room and curled my toes against the cool tile. "Getting snowed in here was a fabulous idea."

She beamed at me, sending my heart skipping. Then she climbed the stairs and descended into the bubbling water looking like a bikini-clad goddess. Beau closed the distance between us and scooped me up into his arms. The rush of body heat from his bare skin was practically indulgent, as was the fluttering of his pulse in the hollow of his throat.

"I know I was putting up a fight before, but a girl could get used to this," I said, sighing as he lowered me into the hot water. The position brought my nose against his hair and his mouth close to my breasts. When he exhaled, I felt it along my collarbone.

"It's a pleasure to serve," he murmured. He released me to the bubbles, and I sank, grateful, into the luxurious steam.

Every single muscle in my body relaxed, even as I was keenly aware that Beau's now-drenched shirt clung to my breasts. The sports bra I'd borrowed from Flora did nothing to stop my nipples from hardening beneath the slick fabric, sending a thrill of sensation down my spine. I ran wet hands through my curls and stretched my neck, opening my eyes to find Beau and Flora openly staring. Admiring me with barely concealed hunger, so fervent I felt drunk on it.

They sat on the same bench, facing me, with a noticeable three feet of separation between them. Beau's arm was draped across the ledge, and a bead of sweat slid down the curve of his bicep. Flora's nipples pebbled beneath her black suit, and my mouth went dry.

I wanted to float between their bodies, yank Flora's suit off and taste her. Wanted Beau's lips on the back of my neck, the space between my shoulder blades. It was the seductive lure of this cabin, isolated in the woods, surrounded by mountains, keeping us safe from the storm. There were no neighbors, no friends, no watchful eyes making me feel guiltier than I already did.

I wasn't going to break up their engagement. I couldn't. Wouldn't .

But this obsession had me by the fucking throat. It stole every last bit of air whether I wanted it to or not.

I wrenched my eyes from theirs, shattering the moment.

"Are you bummed you're missing our annual New Queers Eve dance party?" Flora asked, breaking the silence. "I'm sure we'll be getting pictures and videos nonstop tomorrow night."

I pinched my thumb and forefinger together. "A little. You should have seen my outfit. I was going full Bowie. Lightning bolt face paint, silver bell-bottoms, white boots. A fully sequined blazer. Truly, you're missing out on an epic look."

"You would have had every single person in that bar eating from the palm of your hand," Beau said, lips twitching into a grin. "Who were you planning on kissing at midnight?"

My eyebrows rose. "Kissing? No one. Besides all our drunk friends. I haven't been interested in anyone since I've moved back."

"No one?" Flora asked lightly, but Beau's fingers flexed against the ledge.

"Too busy," I lied. "Weddings don't plan themselves. And like I was saying earlier, it's been hard to put myself back out there when I know all the terrible ways it can go wrong."

Even harder when all you really want is the couple whose wedding you're supposed to be planning.

Hurt creased Flora's face, and Beau's forehead bunched, both reactions surprising me.

"I'm sorry we never came out to see you," Beau said. "Hell, I wish we'd been there when everything went down. I hate knowing you were out there in California, all alone with a broken heart."

I went still in the water. "I'm not sure what you could have done. She was going to leave me for my best friend regardless."

"Been there when you needed us," Flora said. "Kept you company while you fell apart. We could have fed you cookies and wrapped you in blankets and forced you to watch reality television until you finally laughed."

God , how I wanted that now. Though if they'd done that in those early days after my breakup with Em, I would have been far too vulnerable to keep up my usual barriers.

"I would have liked that a lot," I admitted. "I don't… I'm not sure I ever truly loved Em. I was infatuated with her though, and she was super romantic, always coming up with these tiny gestures to make me smile. It was easy to lose myself in her spontaneity, in her grand adventures and future plans. Dorothy was always around then, because I wanted my girlfriend and my college best friend to get along. Obviously they did that a little too well," I said with a humorless laugh.

"Dorothy and I were always falling for the same girls at school, I should have…" I swallowed hard, trying to open my throat. "Should have known better."

Beau's eyes were kind when they met mine. "You miss Dorothy, don't you?"

The answer slammed into me with the same ferocity as the storm outside. "Yes, yes, I miss her more than Em, to be honest. We were inseparable in college. She was like my sister and the betrayal was like losing a friend and a sibling, all at once. They kept their affair a secret for months. Let me walk around like an idiot while they were plotting their escape."

The day they finally came clean was fuzzy at best, my brain trying to protect me from the giant rip in my reality caused by the words We feel terrible, Paige, we really do. But we're in love with each other and there's nothing we can do about it . Followed by Dorothy driving away with my girlfriend and her things. The image had caused such a stark cognitive dissonance I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare.

"We never spoke again," I added. "They abandoned me so easily, like I was an old pair of shoes that no longer fit. I felt worthless. Completely expendable."

Flora moved through the water and wrapped her arms around my neck. This time, I didn't hesitate to hold her back, noting all the ways her body notched perfectly into mine. "No wonder you feel skittish," she said softly against my cheek. "I'm so sorry, Paige. You deserve the world, and they treated you like shit."

"I'm really okay," I said with a laugh. "I promise. It's just the kind of thing that lingers in the back of my thoughts."

Flora reared back, catching my eye. In that moment, I would have given absolutely anything to kiss her. "Don't give them too much power, okay? They don't deserve the privilege."

Ripples in the water drew my attention to Beau, sliding next to us. Flora's legs tangled with mine, our hips connected below the bubbles. Beau brushed a few curls from my forehead, and his fingers scratched across my scalp. The combined sensations of them touching me, soothing me, was enough to turn my breathing shallow and erratic.

"They really don't deserve it," he drawled. "Want me and Flor to find them and make their life a living hell? Say the word and we'll do it."

I laughed again. "Thank you, but no. I'm sure they're happy together. It was probably for the best, even though the way they went about it was so hurtful. I wasn't the greatest girlfriend to Em. I was easily distracted, not super engaged the last few months. I think I was ready for it to be over, to come back to Boulder, and hadn't realized it yet."

"So what you're saying is, you missed us too much," he said with a wink.

I rolled my eyes. "I missed a lot of people. Not only you two. I'm sure it pains you to accept that I have other friends."

Flora tightened her hold on me, pressing her face into my neck. "Don't lie. We're your favorite friends."

"Favorite? No way. Third favorite, maybe . More like fifth or sixth."

Beau nudged his knuckle beneath my chin. "It's so cute when you try to be a hard-ass. But it never lasts for long."

I made a valiant attempt at fighting a smile but lost when he aimed his own lazy grin in my direction. Flora's fingers trailed down my back, setting off sparks. For a dazzling second, my world clicked into place, floating between the two of them, feeling adored and protected. Just a taste, and I wanted more so badly that an icy fear surged through me.

Fear of ruining what we had, no matter how imperfect. Fear of being the person who meddled with their happiness, the way Dorothy had meddled with mine.

And the worst fear of all—that I was nothing more than a curiosity to them both, a curiosity they could set aside as quickly as Em had.

My heart wouldn't survive being abandoned again.

That same awkward tension surfaced between us, probably brought on by my suddenly rigid muscles and guarded expression. Flora moved away from me, casting a sideways glance at Beau.

Clearing my throat, I made my way toward the steps and grabbed the handles to hoist myself up. "I'm gonna call it a night, actually. It's been a long day and this whole setup is super romantic. It's fucking snowing out, and you should get to enjoy the reason why you booked this place." Beau moved to help, and I waved him away. "I'm fine, really. By tomorrow I'll be good as new."

"Paige, wait," Flora said quietly.

I slid to the floor and wrapped a towel around my waist, limping toward the door. She called my name again, more urgently this time, but I ignored it.

And by the time I made it to my room, fingers trembling and throat aching, I could almost convince myself that leaving them was for the best.