Chapter 30

Chapter

Thirty

K andie

"Nooooo," the bloodcurdling scream rips from my raw throat with a scratchy croak. My chest hurts. My heart races. My neck hurts so badly I can barely breathe. Who knew breathing could hurt so bad?

I'm trembling, sweating and freezing all at the same time.

"You're okay." I swing around to see Mimi injecting something into my IV.

"What's that?" I croak out, wary, not wanting to get doped up. Daddy always warned us about letting people give us medication because of his and Mommy's negative experiences with having medication forced on them.

"Just a mild sedative, and an anti-inflammatory to ease the pain and swelling you're experiencing. Maybe a little later we can give you a bath." She smiles, pulling a chair alongside me.

Normally, we all crowd in together when we visit each other, but I can see from the IV and monitors that it's not possible.

I squint for a moment, not recognizing the room. Then I remember where I ended up the night I escaped Nathaniel.

"I'm still at EL Diablo's clubhouse?" I look around the room, taking in the buttercup yellow duvet, but then notice all the masculine dark grey and steel. "Easy and Angel's place?" Bewilderment clouds my words as my cousin gives me a soft smile, nodding.

"We didn't want to move you. Everyone who needs to know is aware you are here and safe. As you can see." She waves to the wall of flowers, notes, and balloons covering one side of the huge bedroom.

"Wow," I say, my voice small with embarrassment and awe.

"Yeah, wow. We were so scared we lost you and not just because you make the best cakes either. Because we love you, Kandie." Tears spill down her cheeks as she takes my hand. I let her words fill the hollowed out places Nathaniel tried to carve in me.

"Wow," I say again. No words come as my shoulders quake and sobs wrack me, seeming to shake me apart. The whole terrible ordeal washes over me. Sadness, rage, and sorrow pummel me like the rains of an April storm.

"The kids?" I manage after a time. Trying to push the despair that's trying to eat you alive away is easier if you focus on something outside of yourself.

"They are fine, for the most part. None of them were used like his father did to the other kids. They are all being placed with local families as we try to find their people." The network Angel set up for the kids we saw being trafficked by Rudy is still in effect. That's good, I guess.

"He's dead then?" I ask the most unnecessary question maybe in the history of the world, but people have survived worse.

"Yeah, you did good." She nods in confirmation.

"It doesn't feel like it." Tears well in my eyes. "How could I be so stu?—"

"Aht, aht, aht, we ain't doing none of that." Scolding me with a firm shake of her head, she squeezes the hand she was already holding, then covers it with the other.

"There's only one person who is responsible for all of this, and you did the world a favor by killing his ass."

A rough chuff of laughter slips out. "Who knew you were so bloodthirsty, Doctor?" We both giggle.

"It's not ‘first do no harm,' it's ‘do all the harm first if they fucking with you.'" Mimi winks. I forget sometimes she was in the military for a little while. Since the time she spent in the Airforce, she had her first husband die and a secret baby with a rockstar who's now her second. Not to mention the scandal that erupted around her from Joi's thoughtless piece blasting her and Santiago's business all over the internet. She's been through so much, yet here she is by my side taking care of me and I just know she's not missing a beat at the Shelby-Love Medical Center or her free clinic.

"So, when will I be good enough to go home?" I watch as she hesitates, a sudden frown marring her face.

"Your vitals are still not what I'd like to see. Let's give it a couple of days. I was hoping you talk to our new psychologist first Dr. Lockett?—"

"No." I'm already shaking my head.

"Kandice, you just survived a huge trauma. You were kidnapped and imprisoned in a place you survived previously. This time you nearly died. Ain't no way you can tell me that you can just go about your daily life like shit ain't happened." Gone is the cool, calm doctor with the excellent bedside manner and in steps my straight up country girl cousin who doesn't take anyone's mess, least of all mine. Separated by just a few years, Mimi has always been the leader of us Love girls.

While I was the rule breaker, she was the one keeping us in line. So yeah, I listen to her words or I pretend to.

"Yeah, I guess. But therapy is not my bag, Mimi. I tried it. It didn't stick. In fact, it made everything worse." I hear the plea in my voice. I remember them trying to use my words against me when I had all those evaluations, when they were trying to blame me for the fire and the death of Sheriff Hezekiah and those three deputies. If I had food in my belly right then, I'm pretty sure I'd be throwing it up.

"Those were state appointed people. They weren't looking out for your best interest. Dr. Lockett will look out for you and only you. I promise," Mimi urges, before switching to a new topic. "How about a shower and then maybe that wonton soup you love from Fulin's?"

My tummy growls at her words, and we both laugh. "I'd love that." Mimi helps me scoot over to the side of the bed when we hear the deep rumble of, "Love what?"

Both of our heads swivel at the sound of U's voice. He's standing holding a box I remember Marlene had beside her bed when I visited.

"Kandie was saying she'd love a shower," Mimi says because I can't make words right now. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest. It sounds so loud. I feel my chest rise and fall so fast it's going faster than the blades on a wheat plow.

"I can do it," he says, his eyes looking at me somber. I drink him in. He's in jeans and his sheriff's shirt. He walks toward us, his eyes never leaving mine. Removing his gun belt, he drops it in a nearby chair before coming to stand beside Mimi as she takes the IV out of my arm. After she's removed the monitor attachments, she steps back saying softly, "I'll go send for the food. You can just text me when you're ready."

"Alright." Ulysses nods, still looking at me.

I just sit there looking up into the glacial blue of his eyes. The cold, aloof disdain he normally cloaks himself in is gone. Nothing but raw emotion shows in his eyes. Eyes with deep shadows beneath them. I notice his hair is still damp, like he just rushed home to take a quick shower and then come back.

Like a slow-motion reel of a building collapse, he comes down to his knees before me. Finally, we are eye level and I see so much emotion in his eyes, I'm not sure I'm ready to see it.

"Hey, lil'mama, you had me scared there for a while." He tilts his head to the side, a sad smile curving his lips. Reaching between us, his hand covers my cheek. His thumb rubs the tear that drops from my lashes. "Why are you crying, baby?"

I shake my head. "I-I don't know. I just missed you."

"Me too." Pulling me into the strength of his arms, he buries his face in my neck. "I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry this happened to you." His words are rough, they are tender. "I looked for you everywhere. By the time we figured it was him you showed up here — I was so fucking useless. I failed you. I didn't protect you. I couldn't save you—just stood by, just like with Dad and Mom."

I feel the heat of his despair on my neck as his hot tears bathe my neck.

"No." Pulling back, I cup his face. "Stop that shit right now. You didn't just stand by. You were a kid back then, U. Same as me, we didn't know who Nathaniel was. He fooled everybody. And as for your mom, you are not God. We don't get to decide who we lose or how we lose them. You were able to give her the best days of her life by being here when she needed you the most." He closes his eyes. For the first time I understood Mimi's frustration trying to get me to realize I needed counseling.

Leaning in, I wince, wrapping my arms around his waist as I lay my head on his chest. The heavy thud of his heartbeat as we embrace each other makes me realize how blessed we are in this moment.

"C'mon, let's get your little musty tail bathed," he murmurs, scooping me up, taking me in to shower.

"Okay, what do you want to watch?" U asks, handing me the wonton soup he just got from Mimi. He puts a ginger ale, which Mimi said I could have on the bedside table.

"Nothing." I shrug, watching him walk around Angel's huge bed in low-slung joggers he borrowed from his friend after taking his clothes off to bathe me in the shower. "What's in the box?"

His jaw tics as his eyes skate over to where he lay the small trunk. Sitting his beef lo mein down, he retrieves it, sitting it between us before grabbing his food. "Eat. You're going to need it."

First Letter

Kandie,

I can't get you out of my mind. I meant what I said the other night at the barn fire. I want you to be mine for the rest of your life. We have that forever kind of love.

I ship out tomorrow and I know I haven't the right to ask this of you. That's why I gave it to my mom and told her to hold on to it until I left. Wait for me, wildcat. Please wait. ~ U

First Letter

U,

I hate writing because I'm terible at it. When I told you I was dyslexic and you didn't laff ment the werld to me. My letters won't be long but they will be tru. I luv you, U. I no you didn't say wait but I culd tel you wanted me to. I will. ~ kandie

Kandie,

I was hit by a roadside bomb. Mom wanted to come but I told her not to worry. The side of my face is fucked up. We were taking a family to safety under the cover of darkness when my transport was hit .

There were three generations we managed to get to safety. The caravan was hit midway to our destination. Just as my Bradley turned on this particular rough patch of road, the bomb exploded. I was in the gunner position. We were all thrown, but I took the brunt of the hit. Thankfully, it was just one side of my face and a few strays of shrapnel that hit me. One lodged in my thigh and a couple in my side. My face is a mess, though. They had to stitch it back, taking part from the inside of my thigh. I'm going to be a fucking scar face. Will that bother you? You're so beautiful. Would you want to be seen with me looking like Frankenstein? Did you read my last letter? Mom said she gave it to you. The only thing I thought of was getting back to you. I didn't want you hearing about it from anyone but me. I crawled out of the back, making all these alarms going off. I'm a big guy, so they couldn't stop when I made my way to a phone to call you.

Your phone was turned off. For everybody or just me? Mom said she gave you my info. What's going on, babe. Are you mad at me? ~ U

U,

My phone was turned off, and it's going to take me a little bit to get it back. Im selling cakes an pies from Pa-Pete's truck. Peple really love them. There is sumthing I need to tell you. We are going to have a babee. Don't worry. I'm saving all my muney to get babee stuf. I'm skared to tell you the truf. I just fownd out and I'm alredy two months. I no it's too soon. I know I ain't ready. Plese let me no what you want to do.~ kandie

Kandie,

I guess what we had was a one-time thing, huh? Folks writing me saying all kinds of shit that just add up. I know better to trust Claira-Lee but she's not the only one. You working at The Shack part-time? Fighting at Cowboys? What's going on? I'm sending you this ticket. If you want something better use it. Take care of yourself, wildcat. ~U

Mom,

I don't know what's going on with Kandie. Claira-Lee wrote and I know better than to pay her any mind. But even Mathias been hearing things. I know she loves to bake. Seems like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me but can you give her the money from my bonus. It's 10k. Make it look like it didn't come from me or she won't take it. She's so prideful. She hasn't learned that she doesn't have to everything all on her own. I know she doesn't trust what we had. I don't know if I can either. I do know I never felt this way before, I know I never will again. Still, I'm not mad at her I just want the best for her and I know you do to. ~U

U,

I won this big competition with the caramel cake you told me you love so much. I'm going to open a bakery and call it The Kandie Shoppe — is that too corny? Ms. Granger has been helping me with my spelling. So, I'm getting better. She also told me to read the Chronicles Of Narnia when I told her I liked the movie. The book is huge but I'm going to give it a try. I guess this is my last letter, U. I guess you're too busy saving the world and trying to stay alive. People were saying you are never coming home. I asked your mom, and she said she didn't know but I could tell she was just trying to save my feelings. Well, I know I said it once but I'll tell you again. Whether you come back or not. I love you. Even if you never speak to me again. I love you. Even if you think what happened between us was one big mistake. I don't know if I can do this alone— having a baby I mean. Please don't be mad. I love you.

Your wildcat~ kandie

He's gripping the last letter I sent so hard it nearly crumbles in his hands. I cover his hand and look at him. His face is flushed with grief and sadness that I feel tearing inside me just the same. I'm so mad at myself for being so prideful that I didn't get help mailing my own letters instead of trusting his mom.

"I didn't know." He dips his head scrubbing his face. Lifting his face to the ceiling then he looks at me. "Did she take you to the clinic?" An open wound ripped raw are his words in that moment.

"Yeah." I nod. "We went to Birmingham to the All Women's Health Clinic. I was so scared, and Marlene took care of me the whole time. But — I knew I couldn't do it alone. I didn't want to. I was pretty sure you didn't want me anymore and would hate me if I went ahead with the pregnancy." My words drift off. My words sound so silly knowing what I do now. I never regretted it until now. "I hate you didn't know."

His arms encircle me as sobs break across my body in huge waves. Pulling me into his chest he rubs my back as he buries his face in my curls. He just holds me and holds me as I cry.

"I don't care what her intentions were, my mom was wrong for what she did to us. It was unforgivable. She should have had more faith in me and you. You have shown me and everyone else that your spirit is unshakeable. How she couldn't see you were the best thing to ever happen to me, my happiness, my joy, my everything — She robbed us of so much, Kandie." He pulls back, eyes red-rimmed, as he looks down at me. Grim determination is stamped on his face as clear as his starburst scar.

"Not another day. Not one. From this day forward, we will be together. Nothing can break us. We came back together for a reason, wildcat. That reason is forever." Touching his forehead to mine, he breathes me in like he needs me to live. "You are my forever."

I inhale him with the same measure of adoration. "You have always been mine, Ulysses. You have always been my hero. For a long time, I didn't trust that anyone could love me, flaws and all. I always felt like I had to earn my way. So when you came along looking out for me with just the purpose of keeping me safe sometimes, even from myself, I didn't believe it. Now I believe in you — in us. Forever is not long enough, though nothing will ever be enough with the way you love me."

"I can't believe you were behind the fair prize," I say after I finish my soup, looking on as he polishes off the beef lo mein with gusto. I can tell by his enthusiasm he's not eaten much if at all the last week I've been gone.

"I didn't trust that you would take it. In my mind, you were already running from me. I thought—" he cuts off, giving me an embarrassed look. "I-I kept running off that night you gave yourself to me and the two weeks I was on leave. I tried to figure out if I misread the situation. If you thought I took advantage of you." He shakes his head roughly. "Fuck," cursing harshly, he puts the finished lo mein on the nightstand and looks at me. "After I was injured, I chose to convalesce in Landstuhl rather than come home because I didn't want to upset you. Now I wish?—"

"Uh, uh." Pressing my finger up to his lips, I shake my head. "No more of that. We ain't blaming ourselves over things we didn't know about. We had an amazing start those two weeks and a pretty good pick-up season this time. Now we just move forward, doing our best. I'm going to do my best for us, U." That's the only thing I can give him already knowing what he wants and knowing I can't make that promise.

"I know you will, wildcat," he says, accepting my words, my promise. "I'm going to give you the best of me. I'll be there for you however you need me to be. I love you no matter what."

The truth shining in his eyes speaks a truth my soul is anxious to answer.

Later, when he tucks my still sore and aching body into his, I listen to him drift off, knowing this is what my dad meant by finding the answer to one's soul.

The End