Chapter 9

Madden

By the time I get home that afternoon, I'm beat. I like that my job is hard work and keeps me fit, but it doesn't normally drain me the way today has. It feels like someone has squeezed all of the thinking juices from my brain and left me with a soggy lump.

I haul my ass up to shower, then sit on the tile floor and air-dry. My hair drips steadily onto my shoulders, and for the first time all day, I let myself remember this morning. That hug from Penn was sudden but it was everything I crave from him. Tight, warm, secure. Torture.

Knowing that I'll never have him in all the ways I crave is getting painful. But he's lonely. Lonely.

If that doesn't make me feel like shit, nothing will. I've tried to introduce him to my Bertha boys, and he's friendly with them, but he doesn't view them as friends. Neither are his colleagues. Whereas when I meet people, I'm instant friends with all of them.

Penn's always been the more introverted one out of us though. Had a great pitch on the field but was always more comfortable in front of a computer than at team parties, and if I didn't drag him places, he probably never would have gotten out.

And now he has Lana.

I'm happy for him. I am. Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe it. If they start dating, I won't have to worry about him being lonely and trying not to smother him with my neediness because he won't have time for any of that when he has a girlfriend. And sure, he says that won't be Lana, and I'm getting ahead of myself, but at this point, I need to start force-feeding myself images of being his best man at his wedding because my feelings for him are suffocating, and something's gotta give.

We've been friends for years, and he's never given me the slightest hint he's anything but straight, so this crush not only hurts because it's unrequited, but it also makes me feel guilty too. I owe it to us both to get over it.

I drag a towel through my hair to get it as dry as possible before heading out in search of my roommates. Luckily, with it being Friday, some of them should be around for family night, which is something we've only started doing since our newest roommate moved in. Monopoly Mondays are sacred together time, whereas Fridays are more casual, but I'm not against seeing my brothers another night in the week.

Sometimes Penn comes over for it too, sometimes my roommates' partners are here, but most of the time, it's just us.

And I think that's what I need tonight.

When I can't find any of them in the main areas, I fill my lungs and shout, "Bertha, assemble!"

The words echo through the hall, and a moment later, there are footsteps from above. It never fails to bring them all to me.

Molly appears first. Tall and slim, big eyes, and lots of brown curls. He went to college with me and Penn and only moved into the house last year. "You called, oh fearless leader?"

"Tell me you're finished work for the day."

"Yup. Seven should be home in the next hour as well."

"Xander?"

"In his studio."

"Rush and Christian?"

Molly's lips twitch into a smile. "Do you really think I have tabs on everyone?"

"Don't you?"

"Fine." He passes me, heading toward the kitchen. "Christian will be home. Rush and Hunter are going out on a date."

Well, that's most of the gang, at least. It sucks Rush will be out since I'm probably the closest to him, and he's the only one who actually knows how I feel about Penn, but since I need to talk this out, it won't be long until they're all in the know.

I'm forever grateful that I moved in here because these guys, this house, it's my safe place. It's a real home, and I worry about the day that something breaks and the group starts to split apart and go our own ways. In the last year, Christian, Seven, and Rush have all found themselves boyfriends, and considering Christian's boyfriend is a fucking millionaire, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the first one to move out.

We've already lost Gabe, who was one of the original Bertha boys and moved to be closer to the firehouse. He's got himself a partner now too, and while he still comes around, it's not the same.

If we lost Christian as well, what then? A new roommate? A new face? A new risk to the balance of the house? When Molly moved in, I made sure to drill into him that Bertha works because we're all there for each other. There's no judgment. Even while giving him that spiel, I knew he'd fit in perfectly anyway.

But finding someone okay with me being a nudist, and Rush being scattered, and Christian breaking shit, and Molly and Seven making out in any corner of the house, and Xander having his panic attacks—we're a lot to take on. Roommates like that are hard to find, and I'm protective of my brothers.

"Got any new puzzles for us?" I ask Molly. We've been doing those constantly since he set the first one up, and I like the idea that we have one on the go for anyone to work on when they have a free minute. We finished the last one a few days ago, and normally, Molly replaces it right away.

"No, I was thinking Charades tonight."

"Charades is cool."

"Want a coffee?" He pulls out two mugs, both with little googly eyes that have been making an appearance around the house lately.

"Just a tea."

He nods and busies himself in the kitchen.

"Hey, Mols?"

"Yeah?"

I suck in a deep breath. "I need to talk about something."

"What's up?"

Seven takes that moment to walk in. "Yeah, what's up?"

"Something's up?" Xander asks, trailing in after him.

I guess I'm spilling the beans to everyone, then. Seven and Molly kiss hello, and even though it's short and sweet, it brings my mood down. Casual romantic affection isn't something I've ever had or wanted before, but more and more lately, I've been pining for it.

"The thing is," I start, "I'm in love with Penn."

"Shoot." Seven's face falls, and he immediately releases Molly and rounds the counter to pull me into a hug instead. "I'm so frogging sorry, man. "

"Thank you," I mutter into his shoulder before pulling away. "It is what it is. But it also sucks a lot, so I really want to put an end to it."

"I'm not sure that's something you can just decide to put an end to," Molly adds, eyeing me with concern.

I know he's right, and I'm downplaying things, but that doesn't mean I won't be trying. "The thing is, my brain knows Penn is straight, but my heart isn't listening. So I need to make that fucker listen."

"How will you do that?" Xander pulls out the stool beside mine. "Because I've been trying for years to tell my brain that it's stupid and wrong, and it won't listen. What makes your vital organs any different?"

"I dunno, Z, but I've got to try something."

"And what are you planning on trying?"

I glance over at where Seven has his arms crossed and is watching me. "Penn and I had a talk last night, and turns out I'm his only friend. He wants more, and he went out to coffee with someone this morning. A really pretty someone."

"Uh-oh," Xander croaks. "Knife her."

"He swears it's not like that, but … I think it needs to be. I think if he finally starts seeing someone, I'll get the message. Which means I need help from all of you because I only know so many women, and half of them are queer."

Seven rubs his jaw. "I could ask Elle. I'm not so sure she's interested in dating though."

Something about the thought of Elle and Penn makes me cranky. I adore them both, but if I set them up, they will definitely, definitely sleep together, and I don't like the thought of one of my friends knowing what my best friend is like in bed when I don't.

"Next option."

Molly hands me my tea. "Are you sure you want to do this? "

"No. What I really want is for Penn to be queer so I can tell him how I feel and hope that I'm in with a real shot. But I can't do or have that, so this is the plan we're going with."

"I hate the plan." Molly's face falls, and I swear the guy looks ready to cry. Out of all of us, he's a real romantic and loves the idea of people falling in love. He was thrilled for Rush when he found Hunter and lately has been trying to play matchmaker with Xander's and my dating lives.

I use that term loosely, though, because neither of us really has a dating life. I have a hookup life. Xander has … well, he has us. And anxiety. He's practically married to that bitch.

"Me too," I admit.

"Instead of focusing on setting him up with someone, why don't you go out and try to find someone for yourself?" Molly asks.

I shake my head, leaning closer to Xander. "Nuh-uh. Don't spread your monogamy our way."

Xander pushes me off him. "Speak for yourself. That's the one disease I actually want to catch."

"I thought you wanted to sleep around first?"

"Don't get me wrong, I want to lose my virginity. I want to be fucked in every way I can be fucked, but I'd like to be thrashed respectfully , thank you very much."

"Nurse Derek," Molly hides behind a cough.

Seven narrows his eyes Molly's way, while Xander's pale face turns bright red.

"Shut up, Molly. If the things he's seen me go through aren't enough to turn him off, I bet being a virgin would do it. A man like that …"

Seven blocks his ears. "I don't need to hear any of this."

"I bet he fucks like a jackhammer." Xander pretends to swoon.

I pat his back. "I bet he does too, buddy. "

Xander wraps his arm around mine and hugs it to him. "Do you think Penn will ever come around?"

"No, and I can't expect him to. That's not fair on him. I really do need to find a way to move on."

"Won't it hurt to see him with someone?"

"Yep. I'm fully expecting this to break my heart in two. But after that happens, hopefully I can pick up the pieces, squash them back together, then move on, and things will be like they used to."

"You mean you didn't always love him?" Xander's gazing up at me, purple contacts in place, and with all of his unrestrained vulnerability, I can't lie.

"Nah, Z. I'm pretty sure I always have."

And that's the kicker. This plan of mine is risky because if it works and he falls in love and I get my heart broken in the process, what is there left on the other side? I'm not sure how to be Penn's friend without loving him, at least a little. This won't work if there's any of that left behind.

It's tempting to put on the brakes and refuse to do anything, but that isn't an option either. If he's not interested in Lana, I'll have to find someone he will want to date.

Sooner or later, things have got to change.