Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

OWEN

"Are you sure you don't mind driving me home? I can take an Uber."

Bear and I both knew there was no way he'd let me do that. He always took me home when we were out together, but I had to ask anyway. It was polite.

"Stop. I'm taking you home." Bear didn't even pretend to consider it. "Here, let's get your jacket on."

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I could do it myself, but honestly, it was too much tonight. All evening, he'd been glued to my side, and I wanted to soak in a few more moments before reality snuck back in.

Tonight, I'd pretend it was me he wanted and we were on a real date. Bear was always attentive to his dates, and tonight, I was the one he lavished his attention on. It was almost impossible to swallow the moan that threatened to escape when he whispered in my ear. As it was, I couldn't suppress the shiver when he put his giant hand on the small of my back. At over six feet myself, feeling small and delicate was a moment to treasure. Bear always managed to make it happen though. I always felt like a proper little around him.

Barrett ushered me into his vehicle, waited until I'd buckled myself in, and then went around to slide into the driver's seat. The low rumble of his sports car vibrated the seat, and I could smell the woodsy citrus cologne he always wore on date nights. I recited state capitols for breath control purposes. The last thing I needed was for him to notice the growing tent in my slacks. It was awkward trying to manage myself around him in a confined space without popping wood, where he was sure to notice.

Dammit.

"What was that in there?" Bear was broody tonight, and I knew he'd need to talk through it. The blessing and curse of best friends was knowing all their struggles and coping mechanisms. I knew Bear's tells better than my own. His dad's words weighed on him. It had been awhile since he'd dated anyone. Maybe he was feeling lonely?

The impulse to offer him my company was strong, but I didn't. The rejection would hurt, sure, but losing him as my best friend would be… Well, not the end of the actual world, but it would be the end of mine. A life without him wouldn't make sense. I needed Barrett like I needed oxygen. And when he found someone else, I'd take the scraps I was left with. Pathetic but accurate.

"I think it's a mid-life crisis. He thought when the divorce happened that my mom would pine for him. She got on with her life instead, and it was him left behind even though he was the one who wanted it."

Early fall in the Pacific Northwest could be wet, and Bear's concentration was split between me and the slippery roads.

"Can he really take back the company?"

"Nah, he wouldn't even if he could. We did an official buyout when I took over. I own it free and clear, but I wasn't going to remind him of that tonight. Do you think he wants grandkids or something?"

"Do you want children?"

Oddly, we hadn't discussed that in the last decade of friendship. If his answer was what I thought it would be, I knew heartbreak was headed my way. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I wanted to see his face when the answer that would undo me was given.

"We used to go to my grandparents' place out on Almstead Island for the whole summer, and it was the fucking best. We'd stay up late, have bonfires on the beach, and explore the woods. It was the perfect childhood." He glanced over and grinned ruefully. "Until my dad decided to chuck it all for his secretary. But even after, my mom sent us out there."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Yeah." Bear sighed. "I do. I want to give them that. But I won't do it until I'm ready and the person I'm with is ready. How come we've never talked about this? Do you?"

Yes, desperately. I've never wanted anything more than to be a dad with you.

"Why do kids have to come from you? Your brother is even older , and he doesn't have any."

"Yeah, I don't know. But Travis has always been pretty clear he doesn't want them. Even back in high school, he said no to kids."

"Is everything okay with him? If something happened, your dad could have been triggered by it."

"He was fine as of last week. He texted me from Italy on his way to Spain."

"Anything new with him?"

"He's trying to decide whether to stay in or get out. He's been in the Army for like twenty years, and I think it's wearing on him. I thought after all those missions in Afghanistan and Iraq, he'd get out, but he stayed. If he wanted to do something else, I'm sure there's a call for helicopter pilots outside of the military."

"If he did, would he join the business?" Operation Do Not Spill Your Guts Like A Fool In Love With Their Best Friend Since Forever was working.

"Nah, he's never been interested in hospitality or real estate, but if he wanted to, sure. You never answered about kids."

"I've never really thought about it." Lies . "Probably not." More lies . "Kids aren't really on my bucket list." Struck by lightning lies .

We fell into companionable silence. My hand twitched with the need to reach out. We were usually affectionate with each other, non-bro hugs and everything, but it had gotten progressively harder over the last few months. Since Gabe had fallen head over ass for Rory, Barrett had seemed melancholy. Recently, when we were out to dinner, one of the few times I visited the club, or if we were at Reed and Jakob's for a get-together, he was quieter than ever. Almost solemn. It felt like he was waiting for something. Or someone.

Barrett was a damn catch. He was in his thirties, owned his own company, lived in a fully restored craftsman decorated to perfection, if I do say so myself, and had a body like oh-my-effing-God. And so much ink. Sexy, bad-boy vibes with a cinnamon-roll core. He was fiercely loyal to his friends, generous with his employees, and according to one oversharing ex of his, a toe-curling lover.

The man of my dreams, and I couldn't have him. And now his dad was pushing him to find someone to marry. It was just a matter of time before he found that other person. Sigh .

"Hey, you okay?" Bear asked, his voice laced with concern. He gave me a quick glance and reached out to squeeze my hand. Shit, that had not been an internal sigh.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about…umm…thinking about my sink." Sink? Lame.

"What's wrong with your sink?"

"Uh, there's a leak or something. I don't know. I'll ask Levi to take a look at it tomorrow."

"If there's water damage, you don't want to mess with it. I'll come up and look at it tonight."

Dammit, now I'd accidentally activated Daddy-mode in the man. I should have just said…I don't know…anything else. It wasn't like Bear had never been in my home. He'd helped me paint and move furniture countless times. But after tonight's conversation about marriage and kids, I didn't know if I could have him in my space. I did a quick run through in my head of whether I'd put away my little items. Bear knew I was a little, but he didn't need to know how little I was when I regressed.

"You don't have to do that. If my boss lets me come in a little late, I'll have Levi come straight up to look at it." My cheeky smile hurt my face, but I kept it plastered on anyway.

"The boss is picking you up in the morning, so you and the boss can check out a lodge. And seriously, you know perfectly well that water damage is the worst."

I huffed and let it go. Bear was always a dog with a bone when it came to taking care of me. He'd never let it go if he was concerned about something in my home, so there was no point in prolonging it. With luck, there might be a slight dampness in the cabinet and my little white lie would go unchallenged. He'd fuss about it, and I'd promise to call Levi to fix it. We'd all be happy enough.

The drive from Quill to my sweet, perfect little bungalow took about fifteen minutes. Bear pulled into the driveway behind my car and shut off the engine. It was misting again, so the world had a sheen under the streetlights.

In another world, it would be romantic. The car's interior would be charged with the electricity between us and he'd lean over and kiss me. His fingers would card through my hair, and the exploration would end with the back of my head cradled in his hand as he deepened the kiss.

After he'd fully explored my mouth and I was incapable of speaking, he'd say something like, " Daddy's going to take care of you tonight ." We'd go inside, and he'd be the exact type of Daddy I needed.

A lovely thought that would never happen.

"You said there was a leak?" Bear asked from under my sink. With his head angled underneath, I had a wonderfully decadent view of his ass. It was rounded perfection. I wasn't much of a brat, but my urge to give him a pinch was strong. As a friend, I knew he'd laugh. Would he do the same as a Daddy?

Barrett emerged from under the sink and gingerly got to his feet. He wiped his hands on the dishrag I had waiting for him.

"Yeah, I don't see anything down there. It doesn't feel damp either."

"Maybe it was my imagination. Problem solved." I said it with a bright smile, hoping he'd let it go.

"Well, you should still have Levi check it out."

Dog. Bone.

"Okay, I'll do that."

The words had no sooner left my mouth than he brushed my hair back off my face. It might have been my imagination, but I could have sworn his fingers lingered longer than necessary. He angled his wonderfully oversized body closer to mine. His hand returned to my cheek before tracing along the cheekbone and jaw. My breath hitched and all cognitive abilities left my body.

I didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.

I wasn't mad about it though.

"Bear? What are you doing?"

We were so close, and as much as we loved each other, there was a line we'd never come close to crossing. Tonight, everything felt off, and I didn't understand what was happening.

Technically, Bear was my boss, but he'd never treated me like an underling. He knew I was a little, even if he'd never seen me in little mode, and was fine with that knowledge. But this? This was confusing as hell.

From the moment he'd sat in the common area our freshman year in college, I'd known he was the man I would love. After he saw the raggedy state of my backpack and shoes, he came up with some insane story about how his brother was supposed to be in the dorms but wasn't, so I should use his meal card. It hadn't taken me more than thirty seconds to realize he was making the story up, but I'd gone along with it. One, he'd been so sincere, and two, I'd been hungry. He'd been the sweetest.

"My dad has me all fucked up tonight. I'm sorry." Bear stepped back from me, and the loss was visceral. I wanted him back in my orbit and to tell him to stay there forever. "I'll pick you up at ten tomorrow morning. Does that work?"

"Yeah, that's fine. See you tomorrow."

Barrett leaned down, kissed my cheek, and let himself out the front door. I knew he'd wait on the porch until he heard me turn the deadbolt, so I crossed the room and flipped the latch. I listened to his steps retreat down the porch stairs and the smooth rumble of his car backing out of the driveway.

Finally.

I was exhausted, but my mind was too jumbled for actual sleep. With a tired sigh, I turned off all the overhead lights, switched on a couple of lamps, and headed to the kitchen. Next up, I grabbed a bottle of milk out of the fridge, pulled a pot out, filled it with water, and set the bottle in it to warm. I put the burner to low so it would be ready by the time I had finished my shower.

On my way back to the bedroom, I stopped to set up a cartoon on the TV. From my bedroom, I grabbed a pull-up diaper decorated with sailboats and a pair of pajamas that reminded me of old-timey sailors.

While I waited for the water to heat in the shower, I picked out my toys. I chose a couple of cloth blocks with different textures on each side, my favorite paci, and my baby-blue blankie with the satin trim.

After my shower, quick and efficient, I powdered and dressed myself. It wasn't enough to fully drop me into little space, but it let me go far enough.

Over the years, I'd trained myself to get into a decent little space solo. If Bear had been here, it would've been different. He'd have been the one to prep my bottle and powder me. Maybe he'd even let me sit on his lap for a cuddle while I watched my show and drank my milk.

But he wasn't here and wouldn't be here. My foolish daydreams had been out of hand since Gabe found his other half. Rory was perfect for him, and their happiness was a bittersweet pill.

I wished I was one of the adorable littles at the club. Their sweet voices asking for cups of juice or their Daddy to play with them was the best. They vroomed their cars and crashed their trains with abandon. Their jumpers and rainbow sneakers were perfectly wonderful. But when I was there, their giggles were a thousand paper cuts to my skin. I just wanted to go home and cry.

My little headspace was much, much younger. I was that adult baby Jerry Springer used to bring on his show. My one time playing in public at a club was enough to know I wasn't the kind of little needed there. I was much too needy for a Daddy to want, and even if they had, my size made cuddling on anyone's lap look ridiculous.

I wasn't a pint-sized twink. No, Daddies wanted a little to play and interact with. My deepest little self was practically nonverbal. I needed bottles and rocking and diapers. And more than any of it, I saw the littles Bear was drawn to, and they weren't my kind.

A mental head shake and a stern internal warning reminded me I wasn't helping myself relax.

Message received, I padded back to the kitchen, dumping my blankie and toys on the way, and carefully took my now-warm bottle off the stove. I double-checked the burner, making sure it was off, before I climbed onto my oversized couch. Bear was so big that I kept all my stuff on the bigger side so he'd be comfortable…

Hard as it was, I forced my brain away from Bear and focused on the textured block in my hands. The insides were squishy and the outer cloth let me rhythmically smooth my fingertips over the sides. I turned it over and over until my mind settled. Once in a calmer headspace, I slowly stacked and lined up the blocks in different patterns. After a bit, I settled on the couch and finished my bottle before the milk lost its warmth. When done, I set it aside and picked up my paci. The minky side of my blanket pressed against my cheek as my loneliness receded to the back of my mind and my little self took over.

I told myself I'd find my way to bed when my show was over.

I told myself I needed to make sure to set my alarm.

I told myself Bear wouldn't ever see me like this.