Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

OWEN

"Elizabeth, how do I look?"

My cat had the annoying habit of not speaking English. She was so smart, and I was convinced it was willful stubbornness on her part. She could do everything else, so why not that? It was a choice.

Tonight's fundraiser wasn't formal, but most people would be dressed nicely. I was sure Rory would wear his favorite blue overalls with the dragon on them, and Jakob would be in his favorite rainbow zip-up onesie. Their Papa and Daddy would be dressed in something more traditional.

Since my date was advertised as vanilla, I didn't consider wearing anything but slacks, a button-down shirt, and dress shoes. I wouldn't have anyway, but I was a teeny—read: a lot—bit jealous of the other boys. Compared to them, I looked like I was headed to a job interview.

In an imaginary world considerably better than this one, I'd be in my diaper and snuggly onesie with my paci firmly planted in my mouth. I wouldn't be up for auction because I'd already have a date with Da. We'd donate instead .

When he'd stopped by my office last week, it had been so long that I forgot to keep my distance. We hadn't been apart for more than two weeks since we met. It had been pure hell to stay away, but I'd needed the break if I wanted to be successful in my plan of stepping back. But then Barrett had shown up and I'd been a goner. I cringed at how overeager I had been, although Barrett was too polite to make fun of me for it.

Now, all I had to do was get through the evening and pretend to be enthusiastic about a vanilla date with a stranger that I was only doing to prove I wasn't hung up on someone I shouldn't be hung up on. Except I was totally hung up on that someone, and there was a real danger of me making an absolute ass of myself.

What if I call this guy the wrong name? What if I cry? What if no one bid on me? Would this be better or worse than when Daddies made fun of me because I was practically nonverbal in my little headspace? Any of these options could be in the running for the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I would love to replace the current number one spot taken by the time I lost my shit over a bear, accidentally regressed in front of my best friend, and then decided to lose my V-card to him once and for all. That one would be hard to top, but I had faith that more humiliation was coming.

While that cheery thought ricocheted around my mind, I left my bedroom to answer the doorbell. Levi was the only person I thought it might be, but he'd said he planned to work for a few hours and then go to the club straight from work. It was my mistake for not looking before I opened the door. On my front porch was Barrett, who looked downright edible in his suit, with a bouquet of flowers.

Barrett could hold them in his hand, but they were an armful for me. The bouquet was wrapped in white butcher paper tied with twine and had red, yellow, and black sunflowers, dahlias, sedum, and marigolds.

I didn't understand why he was here. I knew these last few weeks had been difficult, but we hadn't planned to go to the auction in one car, right? Maybe we had. I wasn't sure of much anymore. My self-enforced separation from Barrett had messed with my concentration for weeks.

"Did we make plans for you to pick me up?"

I moved back so he could come inside. Elizabeth immediately roused herself from a nap on the tree hammock in the corner and padded over for ear scratches. Barrett quickly complied with her plaintive meows for attention.

"Well, not specifically, but we always go together. I know you go an hour early for last-minute touches even though the staff has it in hand. So here I am to take you."

"And the flowers?"

"You like flowers."

"You didn't need to bring me flowers."

"No, but I wanted to, so I did. You deserve flowers because you've outdone yourself again for the club. It looks amazing, and it was only halfway finished when I stopped by earlier."

Barrett looked almost shy, standing in my living room, seeming unsure where to put his hands or whether he should sit. I hated this so damn much. I wanted us back.

I looked at Barrett. I mean, really looked at him, and I didn't like one bit of what I saw. There were a few more worry lines along his down-turned mouth. The bags under his eyes were pronounced, and the concern in his eyes was undisguised. This enforced separation was as hard on him as it was on me. Giving him this night wouldn't kill me. I could be strong.

"Well, I appreciate you coming to get me. Let me grab my jacket, and we can go."

I put the flowers in water and then grabbed my jacket off the couch, which turned into fifteen minutes of cuddles for Elizabeth.

Barrett bundled me into his vehicle and we were off to the club. I was determined to bring us back to some sense of normalcy because this icy distance, even if imposed by me, was too much. I missed him so much my chest ached. Poor Elizabeth was sick of me talking to her about it. She'd started leaving the room when I said his name. Since I'd created the distance, it was up to me to bridge it.

"Have you talked to your dad?" That was an easy topic.

"Yes, he finally got off that nonsense of taking the company he doesn't own anymore. I guess he tried spouting it to my mom and she shut him straight down."

"What's she up to?"

"Oh, she moved on to some place near San Diego at a yoga retreat. She said I wouldn't know yoga until I'd done it at sunrise on the beach."

"That is very early to get sand in crevices it's hard to get out of."

"You're not doing naked yoga, although maybe you could? Babe, it's not usually my thing, but I could be down for that." Barrett waggled his eyebrows like he was one of the old-fashioned villains ready to tie someone to a train track.

"Since I'm checking up on everyone, how's Travis?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. When we talked earlier this week, he said he was still on the fence about staying in or getting out. He didn't say what the frustration was, but we've never been like that."

"What do you mean?"

"We've never been especially close. Even when kids, we just coexisted in the house. We get along, just not tight. Hell, you know more about me by a pretty big margin. "

"I don't know you well enough to know what you've bid on at the auction."

I desperately wanted to know if he'd bid on a date with anyone, but I'd given up any and all rights to know that.

"Aren't you up for a date and decorating? That should bring in something for the charity."

"Well, it's vanilla, and the decorating is likely the draw rather than the date. I promised Jakob, and I hate to let him down." There was zero reason for pining to be mentioned. "Fingers crossed someone bids on me. Surely, my advice is worth twenty bucks or something."

I felt heat rise in my cheeks and knew I was blushing. It was hard to be cool and sophisticated when you blushed. Of course I wasn't cool or sophisticated, but I wanted to seem like I was.

"Since I've been on the client side of your advice, it's worth a helluva a lot more than twenty bucks. You never give yourself enough credit. You're a goddamn gift."

Humility was an admirable quality, but tonight, I had next to none. The club looked exceptional, in my obviously not-so-humble opinion. The main area of the club looked elegant, with deep-green tablecloths and black candelabras with gold-and-copper accents. The centerpieces were autumn flowers and leaves. It wasn't a Halloween party, so we hadn't wanted to go full spooky, just touches of it.

Quill, of course, catered the dinner with plated osso buco and wild mushroom risotto served with gold chargers. In the Rumpus Room, we'd set up a fall harvest theme with scarecrows, sweet-not-scary pumpkins, and the same types of flowers but in smaller, more playful arrangements. Hopefully, the decor would inspire people to open their bank accounts and donate generously to this year's charity recipient.

Barrett and I split up when we arrived, but there was only so much I could check without annoying the banquet staff. There was no way I could hang out in the Rumpus Room without completely tanking my mood, and I needed to be at least semi-cheerful to meet my date if anyone bid on me.

As a last resort, I was in Barrett's office working on a private design for myself. I didn't have room for a proper nursery in my rental, but that didn't mean there wasn't a dream board planned down to the last detail.

In my fantasy room, I would have a dark academia vibe with dark greens and black with brass accents, folklore fairies and gnomes, and dark furniture. There would be an adult-size crib, a changing table, and a soft faux-fur rug for me to play on. Naturally, there'd be a double-size rocking chair big enough for two adults for, you know, reasons. The night sky would be painted on the ceiling. It wasn't a typical nursery with bright colors, but it was what I loved. I might be forced to play alone, but there was no harm in dreaming.

Within a few days of our mountain whatever that was, the soreness of my body dissipated to nothing. The more it faded, the sadder I became over losing the tangible connection to Barrett.

I sometimes dreamed I was back in the caretaker's room with Barrett as my Da. But when I fully woke, I'd realized I was still alone. Elizabeth was always there with me, though, which helped. In hindsight, being with him that one time made this all worse. Now, I knew exactly what I was missing. Ignorance had been bliss.

"Hey, Owen, they're calling everyone for the auction," one of the banquet staff said when they popped their head into the office.

"Thanks, I'm on my way."

I tucked my board into the filing cabinet drawer reserved for me in Barrett's office. Silly, maybe, but being in his space allowed me to pretend we were together. His woodsy cologne hung in the air, and I felt cocooned. When I got chilly, and I always did, I'd borrow his jacket so his scent would stay with me for hours.

I wound my way through the back hallways of the club until I found myself in the Rumpus Room reception area. As always, we had cookie decorating and a coloring station with appropriately themed pages. This time, we'd also set up a craft station where people could take photo booth pictures and create a frame for them. Judging by the mess, it was a big hit. For the middles, we'd added a video game console area where they could take turns competing in racing and skill games.

The charity chosen for the fundraiser was the preservation of historic neighborhoods around the city. Gabe was heavily involved in the organization so he was serving as emcee. Rory was at a table off to the side, along with Jakob and his Papa. All three of them were cheering and clapping for all the auction items. Their enthusiasm was sweet and wholly expected.

Naturally, Barrett sat next to the only empty seat. I knew I was expected to join the table, and I would, but this was the exact scenario I tried to avoid at all costs. If I was humiliated by no bidders on my vanilla offering, the last person I wanted to witness my embarrassment was Barrett. Ironically, he was also the only one I would want comforting me.

I made my way around the tables and said hello to the people I recognized, as well as the staff, and finally reached the table where Barrett had saved a chair for me. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I desperately wanted to confess that I had no desire to date anyone but him. My creation of these blurred lines had bit me in my own ass .

"All right, everyone, what we have up next is a pretty fantastic date with our very own Owen Howe," Gabe said from the stage. "His auction item is design and a date. You'll get a wonderful companion along with a consultation. For those who don't know, Owen is the genius designer behind all the parties we have here. Every single one is absolutely gorgeous. Anyone lucky enough to get a consult with him will end up with an amazing space. I'm also happy to say this is one of our biggest items—both in number of bids and amount raised."

While thrilled by his words, I wanted to curl up and die at the idea that an entire room watched me while Gabe spoke. Everyone at the table looked my way, too, and hooted and hollered the loudest in the room. That was never what I wanted.

Some people wanted the spotlight, but I much preferred the shadows. As a designer, my goal was never to be the star attraction. Designing without the added pressure of selling myself was why I loved being at Barrett's firm. I fully intended to stay there forever.

Gabe was trying to give me kudos, but I still wanted to crawl under the table. Barrett's fingers found mine under the cloth, and immediately, my nerves settled, as did my bouncing knees. The warmth of his touch and grasp of my fingers felt like a lifeline.

The hardest part was I knew everything would be okay because Barrett's touch soothed me instantly. I loved it and hated it. His fingers entwined with mine, and it only made me want to snuggle into his arms and never let anyone but him near me again.

"Friends, the winning bid for Owen's design date is none other than our own Barrett Strega! Please join me in a round of applause for his generous donation. I have no doubt he will put it to good use. Congratulations, Barrett and Owen. "

"Why did you bid on me?" I hissed at Barrett.

"Easy, I wanted one of your designs."

"You literally own my designs."

"Only for the company. Your private clients are yours without restriction, and that's what I want."

"Barrett, if you want a consult, tell me, and I'll do it. You don't have to bid for me. That is best-friend stuff you do for free because you love them."

Barrett's expression turned thoughtful. "You still love me?"

"That's a ridiculous question."

"It's an unanswered question."

"Yes."

"In that case, it's not a discussion we can have here. This is absolutely not the time or the place for it. Do you really want to stay?" Barrett asked.

As the club owner, I knew he was expected to stay. Hell, as an auction participant, I was supposed to be there too. But the last place I wanted to be was surrounded by littles cuddled up to their Daddies when I didn't have the option of doing the same. No, I didn't want to stay.

"Let's go." Barrett grabbed my hand and tugged me out of my chair with a wave to Jakob and Rory, who looked on with surprise. Barrett shook Reed's hand. "Sorry, guys, I'm suddenly not feeling well. We're leaving."

Without another word, Barrett tugged me away from the table and pulled me down the hallway with my hand still in his. Before I registered what was happening, we were on the sidewalk with dark clouds threatening rain at any moment.

"Where are we going?"

"The Diner worked for Rory and Gabe, so it's worth a shot."

"What does that mean?"

Instead of answering, he pulled me closer to him and started walking. Within a few minutes, Barrett pushed open the heavy doors. The threatened rain began to fall upon our arrival. Maybe it was a lucky sign?

An older woman looked up from her place behind the counter, slid off her stool, and reached for her ticket pad.

"Gentleman, take your pick," she said with a wave of her hand, "and I'll get you some water."

We settled into a booth at the front window, which gave us a view of the street and the raindrops streaking down the window. We sat silently until the server came by with drinks and menus. I glanced over it, but I always got the same thing from here, so it killed no time.

"I don't understand what's going on. Why did you bid on me? I can't think of a single reason for you to do it."

My petulance was more pronounced than I wanted. I was just so damn tired. Barrett was every damn thing I wanted and all that I couldn't have. I should just confess everything and be done with it.

"Do you remember what I said when I found out you were participating in the auction?"