Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

OWEN

Owen

Hey favorite landlord in the world, how's it going?

Levi

That's not suspicious at all, but good. What's up?

Owen

Does my lease have a no-pet clause?

Levi

Are you bringing home a dog or a horse?

Owen

Neither. It's a cat. A sweet little kitty who protected me from a bear. [pic of box] Look how cute she is. Adorable, I tell you, adorable!

Levi

Holy shit! A bear?!?!? Are you okay?

Owen

Yeah, not a scratch. I was more scared than anything else.

Levi

I won't mess with a cat willing to take on a bear. I'll stop by this evening to hear about this bear and meet the new tenant.

Owen

Thank you so much! Let me know if you want a deposit, and I'll send it or add it to next month's rent.

Levi

Jesus, Owen. I'm not going to charge you a deposit. I know where you live. I know where your mom lives.

Owen

But you can if you want!

Levi

I don't want eye roll emoji

Owen

Thank you!!!!!!!

"What did he say?" Barrett asked from behind the driver's seat.

After our brief squabble over who was paying—we both lost and Ryan gave the visit on the house—we'd returned to the car so I could text Levi and get permission for my new roommate.

"He said yes! Levi is going to stop by tonight and meet her."

"Perfect. Have you thought of a name yet?"

"No, not yet. I'll know it when I hear it. Can you take me home, please?"

"Home? Don't you need to go to the pet store?" Barrett asked me in a tone.

That tone. The one he used when a fraying thread held his patience. The tick in his cheek throbbed like the beating heart it represented. His white-knuckled hands gripped the steering wheel like a vise. We'd been friends long enough that I knew exactly what it meant.

"Between today and yesterday, you've done more than enough. I don't want to take up all your time." My attempt to placate and soothe didn't hit like I'd hoped it would.

"Do you want to get away from me or give me an out to get away from you?" Barrett asked through a clenched jaw.

"I don't want you to feel obligated to me."

"Obligated?" he repeated. "I don't feel obligated to you. I'm going with you to the store because I want to go with you. That's what a fucking friend does, and I'm fucking doing it." It would have been better if he'd yelled, but he just sounded sad.

"Got it."

My voice was smaller than usual. I hated that I'd upset Barrett. He rarely got mad with me, and I had caused this one. Our shoddy attempts to navigate our new reality were, so far, an abject failure. I wasn't sure how we'd get back to an even keel, but I knew I wouldn't ever regret my night with Bear. There was no one else I'd wanted my first time to be with, and if he was the only one, I couldn't regret that either.

With an aggrieved huff, Barrett finally started the car and drove us to the pet store. I occupied myself by playing with Not-Lucifer through the holes in the cardboard box. Her soft mewls sounded more curious than distressed, which made me feel slightly better about keeping her in a box. The drive to the pet store only took about fifteen minutes, but it was long enough that I felt slightly more settled.

Once parked, we headed inside for what I hoped was a quick trip to get the essentials. I should have known better because I'd shopped with Barrett before. There was no such thing as a quick shopping trip. He had to go down every single aisle. Every. Single. Aisle .

He held up the cat so she could see the fish and birds through the holes in the box. Surprisingly, she truly seemed to be looking and responding to his observations. He insisted we go through the dog aisle because he swore they had better pet beds, which wasn't a fight I was prepared for today.

"We need more than one bed for Not-Lucifer," Barrett said in his mulish tone that always signaled I was about to lose the argument.

"My place isn't that big. I don't have room for it."

"If I want to see you outside again, I'll need supplies for my house, or you'll refuse to come over. I see exactly where this is headed. You get a bed. I get a bed. We all get a bed."

I rolled my eyes as he did his Oprah impression in the aisle, but I couldn't hide the chuckle at his antics. This was the Barrett I'd always loved. He was silly and funny and didn't take himself so seriously that he couldn't have fun. His boys were lucky ones because he was always down for the stuff they wanted to do.

PJs and a gaming marathon? Done.

Go for bike rides and trips to a playground? He was down for it.

Comic conventions and superheroes? He was all over it.

Diapers and bottles? Not so much.

"We need this one," Barrett said while he stashed the fancy robot litter box option with the eye-popping price in the cart. When he grabbed a second one, I realized he needed an intervention.

"My guy, a plastic tray and a trash bag work well enough."

"Well enough isn't good enough. Not-Lucifer needs a five-star experience. She's a hero. Nothing but the best is good enough for her." He pointedly ignored my pout.

"We could compromise and get sifter bags."

"Sifter bags? Surely you can't be serious. "

"That's crazy expensive for something the cat is gonna shit in."

"Call it a homecoming present because it's my gift to her."

"I thought the new bed was your gift to her?"

"It's a package gift." And with that, Barrett bulldozed right over my objections and got his way.

It was hard to be mad at someone who wanted to spoil the cutest cat in all the world. And this was what we did. I pretended to say no, and he pretended to run roughshod over my objections. He knew me well enough to tell the difference between my real and feigned outrage.

When we got to the toy aisle, I put my foot down at more than three toys for each house. Barrett reluctantly accepted my edict, and I crowed in victory. I won that battle, but the war was still an open question.

"Babe, the cat needs a climbing tree thingy."

"I don't have room! It's a cottage. Where am I going to put it? You can get one for your house."

"Cats like places to hide and want to be able to go up high. Let's at least look at them," Barrett said as he tugged me closer to the display options.

It felt like heaven to have my hand in his. For a moment, I pretended that our overnight experiment meant something more than it had. I could still feel him in the deep ache of my body, and my foolish heart wished we'd gone for a second round.

If I thought for a minute he would be happy with me, I would make the leap. But he wouldn't be, so I didn't. He needed a different kind of boy. I'd never ask him to settle for what I had to offer because he deserved everything.

"Earth to Owen. Earth to Owen," Barrett interrupted my internal whine fest .

"Sorry, I spaced out…get it?" I tried to distract him but crashed and burned inside.

"I refuse to acknowledge a joke that bad. Anyway, what about this one?"

Barrett deposited a cat tree in front of me. It looked like a twisted, garbled walking stick with branches still attached. The lowest level was a platform covered in wool sherpa, the next tier was a rope hammock, and the highest was a rounded yurt-looking space for her to hide in. The bottom level was sandpaper and sisal for scratching. It was streamlined enough to fit perfectly in the corner of my living room. Dammit, I hated when he was right.

"It's okay, I guess." Barrett's knowing look had me rolling my eyes. "Fine, it's slightly above okay." Now, he stared at me. "Ugh. It's good, all right? It's good."

"Great. Let's get it. This is the smaller one, and I'll get the bigger option for my house."

At my huffed sigh, Barrett added with a grin, "Now we have to get her food, and we'll be done."

We argued in the aisle about which to buy, but Barrett let me win that round. Not-Lucifer was my cat, but she very much felt like a shared responsibility, and I liked the feeling of another tie between us. I realized too late that Barrett gave in far too easily on the food issue so he'd win the war at the register. I had well and truly lost.

When Barrett and I pulled up the driveway, Levi was working in his yard. With a friendly wave, he ambled over and opened my door. Barrett made an odd growly noise, but I was too focused on getting the cat freed from her box prison to ask about it at that moment .

"Hey all, glad you all made it home in one piece," Levi said with a deadpan face. "I've heard bears are hard to come back from."

"What have you heard about me?" Barrett chuckled.

His joke sent a pang directly into my gut. He was a muscle bear, but I was the only one allowed to call him Bear. Shit. Now wasn't the time to get jealous over something I'd said ended when we left the caretaker's room. I had no rights over him or to him, and I was the one who needed to remember that.

"I didn't hear anything about you, but I'm happy to listen," Levi purred.

Yet again, my hackles raised. Goddammit. Knock it off, Owen.

"Anyway, how's the legal business?" I asked to distract Levi from flirting with Barrett.

I knew it didn't mean anything, and Levi wasn't Barrett's type at all, but I didn't like it. Not one little itty-bitty bit.

"Boring, but still well-paying, so not much to complain about. By the way, my mom called. She and your mom would very much like to know when we'll be headed back home for a visit and preferably a permanent move," Levi said with an exaggerated flourish.

"Uh, I hope you said no on the move and open question on the visit," I said with finality. "It's easier for me to move around my schedule than you, so let me know what works."

Levi and I became next-door neighbors in high school when my family moved to central Washington. We were casual friends in school, but our mothers had always been close. Neither of us realized the other was gay until we ran into each other again after college at a kink dinner night at Quill. It was pure luck that my lease was up after Levi purchased his house with an in-law cottage in the back. I'd been here for several years, and it felt like a home .

"Yeah, I told her I'd double-check with you but let her know soon. Anyway, let's see this gorgeous girl you were telling me about," Levi said while he tried to peer into the cardboard box I clutched to my chest.

"Let's bring her inside before you open that up," Barrett suggested. "Levi, can you give me a hand with this stuff?"

Levi and Barrett pulled out all the items we'd purchased today and brought them inside the house.

I was antsy with excitement to let my girl out. Once everything was inside, I carefully disengaged the tabs and opened the lid. Not-Lucifer was sitting pretty on the towel. I reached in to pull her out, and she let me lift her out without a fuss.

"Hey, sweet girl, welcome home."

I gave her a quick tour of the place while Barrett and Levi set everything up. When they were done, I showed her all the items we'd gotten her. She gave me a few meows and speculative looks. It was uncanny how it felt like we were having actual conversations.

"Babe, you're going to need to think of a name soon, or Not-Lucifer is going to stick," Barrett said from the other end of the couch.

The black cat was currently curled up on my lap, taking a nap while I scratched her ears.

"You're right," I agreed, "but I'm still not sure what sort of name she looks like."

"Socks?"

"Snookums?"

"Kitty?"

"Lucy"

"Samantha?"

"Elizabeth?"

"Oh, that one makes you purr? Is that your name?" I asked the cat who switched to engine purring mode. "I think that's it. Hello, Elizabeth Howe."

Barrett leaned over from his spot on the couch, and I desperately wished he was sitting right next to me so we could cuddle her together. Wishful thinking hadn't fixed anything yet, and it was unlikely to do so now.

"Owen, Barrett, thanks for introducing the new addition. I'm going to get back to my yard work and files. What a charmed life I lead."

Levi's mouth turned downward at his words. It wasn't the first time he'd expressed how much he disliked practicing law, but after years of school and student debt, it might not matter if he liked it or not. "Are you two going to the auction this weekend?"

"Yeah, when it's at your club, you kinda have to go," Barrett quipped.

Both men turned to look at me, and I knew I looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Uh, funny story, I'm actually auctioning myself as a date." My awkward laugh was the best I could manage.

"Oh, good for you! I know that breakup with the Canadian guy was rough. Fucker. Who would dump you by text?" Levi asked with a shake of his head.

"Oh, well, ya know, we hardly ever saw each other. He might as well have been imaginary," I said nervously.

Barrett was still on the end of the couch, and his glower wasn't a great indication of how the next ten minutes would go. I didn't miss his narrowed eyes at my quip either.

Levi was already headed for the door, and I needed Barrett to follow him. If he stayed, there was a decent chance I would confess everything. Confession might be good for the soul, but it would wreck my life.

"Barrett, thank you so much for bringing us home, but I'm beat. See you at the office tomorrow?" As I spoke, I stood and handed him the jacket he'd shrugged off his broad, well-developed shoulders earlier.

Dammit, Owen. Knock it off. This is not the time to daydream. This is the time to kick him out so you can panic properly. Alone.

I went to stand by the door and held it open so my intentions would be crystal clear. Barrett did not look happy, but he took the hint and stood as well. He came to stand next to me but watched until Levi turned the corner of the main house.

"Babe, this conversation you've been avoiding is going to happen. You can't run away forever."

"I'm not running away," I lied. "I'm legitimately worn out. There's nothing more to it."

Barrett clearly didn't believe me but had the decency to let me lie to myself and him for a little longer. I refused to give him eye contact though. That would have undone me. Barrett leaned down to place a soft kiss on my cheek. I felt singed. My hand involuntary rose to make sure it wasn't actually burned. Barrett took the momentary distraction as an opportunity to whisper in my ear.

"Baby Boy, I haven't forgotten what it felt like to be your Da. And I sure as hell haven't forgotten what it felt like to fuck you. Tell yourself what you need to, but I'm not giving you up now that I've had you."

"Barrett, you agreed it was done when we left the lodge. You agreed!"

"I was mistaken."

Desperate times called for desperate measures. The moment I hit send, instant regret washed over me.

Owen

I'm in trouble.

Jakob

Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Owen

I did a thing

Jakob

What kind of thing?

Owen

More like I did a person

Jakob

shocked face emoji x 3 rows

Oh, my friend. Oh, my sweet, dumbass friend.

Owen

I'm gonna tell your Papa you're cussing, and he's going to take away your sugar.

Jakob

Do it. He's taken away most of it anyway. I'll just die sooner of mouth boredom.

Owen

I bet he can help with that.

Jakob

Stop changing the subject. (Also, my mouth is bored from lack of sugar, not salt, just sayin')

Owen

I regret this conversation so much.

Jakob

Too late. Do I need reinforcements?

Owen

I don't know. Maybe.

Jakob

Again, too late.

Rory

Owen, what's up?

Anders

All okay?

Owen

I did a thing. A stupid thing. A dumb fucking thing. And now I'm not sure how to fix it.

Rory

What did you do?

Owen

I slept with someone.

Rory

Good for you!!

Jakob

About time.

Anders

Do we know him?

Owen

Yes… insert sigh here Barrett

Rory

YAYYAYYAYYAY I've been shipping you two since we met.

Jakob

Fantastic news fireworks meme Second on the shipping.

Anders

shocked face

Owen

^correct answer

and he knows I'm doing the date auction

Rory

shocked face

Jakob

shocked face

Anders

OH SHIT. We're all on the way. Jakob, Rory, and I will pick you up.

"So you did the deed but made him promise it was only the one time?" Rory's tone was incredulous.

"That's correct."

"And you were little in front of him, and you don't want to repeat that either?" Jakob's tone was a near-perfect match to Rory's.

"That's correct."

"I don't understand why you don't want either one. Do you not want those things at all? Not now? Not ever? Not with Barrett. It seems like you two are pretty compatible, given that you've been besties for freaking years."

The four of us were gathered around my living room so my foolish decisions could be dissected face-to-face. I'd introduced Elizabeth to them, and they'd all marveled over how pretty she was. Sadly, that distraction only took a few minutes, and they were all too eager to hear about my overnight trip to the Land of Great Sex and Bear.

"Maybe it would help if you could explain why it's a no-go. I get no one wants to ruin friendships, but some friends are meant to be more," Rory said with his confusion evident .

"Well, I…uh…I mean…" My voice trailed off because I knew that explaining everything would only lead to more questions I didn't know how to answer. "It's hard to explain."

"You don't owe anyone an explanation," Anders interjected, "but if you want to explain any part of it, we're happy to listen. You know I'm not a little, but obviously, Jakob and Rory are, and I love playing uncle to them when they're in a little headspace. They'd be happy for you to join them. It's up to you, but we just want to make sure you know you could join if you wanted."

"I'm not the same kind of little as them."

Rory and Jakob exchanged glances at my declaration.

"We'll play whatever you want. Just because we like playing baby dolls or whatever when we're together doesn't mean we have to do any of that. We'll do what you want if you want to play with us," Jakob said gently.

"You don't understand. I'm a little…like really little…like a baby little. I've tried so fucking hard not to be. I want to be cute and color and go to the zoo and play with glitter. But when I go into that headspace, I'm just a blob."

I knew I was sniffling, but I tried hard to avoid full-blown tears. When I said it aloud, it seemed so juvenile. It should have been a riot.

"What are you talking about? There's no right way to be a little. There's your way. I don't understand what that has to do with Barrett," Rory asked with the same confusion he'd had since they all arrived.

"Jakob, c'mon. Have you ever seen him play with anyone that wasn't a middle?"

Rory and Jakob looked at each other and then at Anders with wary expressions.

"Exactly. I'm not his kind of little, and I'd be beyond foolish to think his preferences could be switched just because it's me. We had a moment caused by an actual bear and lost our minds. It changes nothing. I should have kept my mouth shut."

" Bear! What are you talking about? " was the collective chorus, and I launched into that tale. It was a good distraction. I should have left well enough alone and kept it to myself. I had no one but myself to blame if they thought there was a future for Barrett and me.