Chapter 25

The first house they saw was okay, but not amazing. It didn't have much of a yard either, and the fence had more holes in it than a leaky bucket. Rowan giggled when Daddy whispered that to him, but judging from the realtor's face, she'd reached the same verdict without Daddy having to say anything. Rowan wiggled his hips a little experimentally. The plug had felt really odd when Daddy had inserted it, but then, odd had become interesting and he'd been almost disappointed when Daddy had taken it out, especially as removing it had nearly made them late for their first appointment.

Rowan—for once—felt quite relaxed this morning, and unfazed even when Daddy kept a hold of his hand in front of Wendy, their realtor. Of course, two orgasms would definitely help with that, but Daddy had just about convinced him he wanted to be with Rowan, which astonished him. But they wouldn't be looking at houses together, Rowan supposed, if he didn't.

Rowan kept thinking of Daddy's story, and knew Daddy was trying to tell him he needed to trust him, and he supposed, like Raisa, he just needed to try.

He turned and gazed at Daddy while he was talking to Wendy about their next appointment. Daddy was truly gorgeous. All that thick, dark hair which as he'd found out was just about everywhere. The trimmed beard which felt fantastic on Rowan's skin, and the dark eyes that seemed to watch him all the time. He sighed happily.

"Rowan?"

He blinked quickly to see that both Daddy and Wendy were looking at him as if they had asked him a question and he felt the flush start in his cheeks. Daddy's eyes darkened even more, as if he knew what Rowan had been thinking of.

"I just wondered if we could skip the two smaller homes altogether."Wendy repeated with a smile. "I understand you have a bigger monthly budget now, so there is a home I'd like to show you in a gated neighborhood that was previously out of your budget."

Rowan nodded, but glanced at Daddy, anxiety creeping in. He'd wanted to help, but Mother had taken his money. What could he do?

"We'll meet you there," Daddy said firmly and guided Rowan into their car, making sure his seatbelt was fastened and Baby Bear was still safely in his pocket, before closing the door and getting in himself. He started the engine to warm the car up, but then turned and took Rowan's hand. "Your dad called last night."

Rowan's eyes widened. "He did?"

"I was going to tell you last night and then this morning, but we were both a little distracted." Rowan's breath hitched a little as Daddy lifted Rowan's hand to his lips, turned it over, and pressed a kiss to his palm. "I've struggled with this, but as your Daddy I want to be responsible for all of you, including financially." Daddy placed Rowan's hand on his lap but didn't let go. "He told me you have an idea for what you want to do career-wise, but again, our conversation plans seem to go awry. So, I'm going to take a moment to explain that I understand your wish to help financially for two reasons. Firstly, I'm incredibly proud of you and all that you've accomplished despite what you've gone through. I can't wait to hear your plans for the future."

Warmth bloomed inside Rowan. Daddy was proud of him? Truly?

"Secondly, your dad is struggling with how guilty he feels over the whole situation with Janice, and the fact that you had to suffer her for years with little to no support from him, and to be honest, I can understand that. I was guilty of a similar situation myself with my sister. Because my relationship with my father was often strained, then I had jobs and travelling. I hadn't realized how difficult the situation had gotten for Clare because I was never there. And I think it will take me a long time to forgive myself for that, so yes, I understand how he feels, and why he wants to help."

Rowan bit his lip. He wanted to be home and sitting on Daddy's lap.

"I knew as soon as Wendy mentioned our budget increasing, you would start worrying." Daddy leaned over and took Rowan's lips in such a gentle kiss, Rowan felt all his worries dissolve like bubbles.

"Now, do you promise to tell me honestly what you think of the houses?"

Rowan nodded eagerly. "Yes, Daddy." His heart was so full it ached. Daddy wanted to be with him. He really did.

Daddy kissed him one more time, then put on his own seat belt and plugged the address into the GPS because Wendy had driven away.

Rowan gazed at the proper fenced yard of the next house and imagined the dog he was going to play with. He'd barely heard anything after Daddy's whispered words as they'd looked at the third bedroom. This will be your playroom.

A playroom? For him?

Rowan didn't so much walk around the rest of the house as he did float, and when Wendy asked him what he thought, he said, "Yes, please." Which might not have been the right answer, but he didn't care. Daddy was pleased with him, and despite all the mess he'd involved Daddy in, he seemed to like Rowan anyway.

Rowan loved Daddy. Absolutely a hundred trillion percent. Okay, technically, as all mathematicians knew, there was no biggest number. Googol, googolplex, or the Eddington number were all contenders, but Rowan didn't need to put a name or a digit to the way he felt about Daddy because there wasn't one. His love was endless, and he wanted to tell him. He just didn't know how.

"I think we'll take this one," Daddy said, his gaze on Rowan.

They stopped for an ice cream on the way home. Rowan gaped at Daddy as he led him inside the old-fashioned store and encouraged Rowan to get chocolate-chip everything. They sat and Rowan stared at Daddy's vanilla and raspberry creation with a few toffee chips and caramel sauce on it, then gazed at his own, which looked like a calorie explosion, and his happiness shriveled like week-old vegetables.

Daddy dipped his spoon in and hummed in appreciation when he put it in his mouth, but Rowan seemed as frozen as the ice-cream. He'd picked up his spoon, but his mother's voice was suddenly very loud in his head. He was fat. He had no control. He let food control him.

No one would ever love him.

Daddy must have noticed Rowan hadn't tried his ice cream, because before he knew it, Daddy had stood up, collected their dishes, and asked for them to-go.

This was it. This was finally the time Daddy lost patience with him. Rowan barely took any notice of Daddy getting him into the car, driving home, or getting inside, until he found himself cuddled on Daddy's lap in the big, comfy chair in their bedroom.

"Baby boy," Daddy murmured, bringing Rowan out of his spiral of self-hatred. "I thought the ice cream would be a treat, not a trigger, and I'm so sorry."

Rowan was so shocked at Daddy apologizing that he gazed at Daddy in awe.

"I know your mother's voice is in your head, but it's not mine. It will never be mine."

"I know," Rowan said after a moment. "But it"s hard." And it was. It was also exhausting questioning everything Daddy said. And he was suddenly so tired. "I promise I will try."

"I know you don't see yourself as the beautiful, intelligent, and amazing person that I do, and we're going to work on that."

"We are?" Rowan said breathlessly and Daddy nodded, answering him with a long, slow kiss.

"Yes, and I'm going to expect you to keep your promise." He brushed a kiss on Rowan"s nose. "And don't forget you will get punished if you don"t."

Rowan could have napped forever, but they had an appointment at two thirty, so when Daddy woke Rowan and got him ready, he didn't have much time to fret. He didn't know what it would be like, though. What if he said something stupid?

Daddy chuckled. "Nothing you say is stupid."

Rowan gazed at Daddy in exasperation. "It is, because I keep doing that. I think I'm saying something in my head, then you reply and unless you've suddenly started reading my mind—"

Daddy's laugh shut him up. "But baby, didn't you know all Doms were mind-readers?" And even Rowan laughed at that.

Martin Shaughnessy didn't look that much older than Rowan, and he grinned when he saw Daddy's suspicious gaze. "I promise I have all my secondary teeth."

Daddy huffed, but after a brief ‘getting to know you' session, Martin asked him politely to take a seat in the waiting room. Rowan wanted to follow him.

"I don't bite," he said with a smile, then glanced to the side as if to make sure no one was listening even though there was just them in the office, and leaned forward, whispering, "I leave that to my Dom." And he winked, which brought a giggle out of Rowan because it was ridiculous.

"Your partner is very protective of you," he commented. "Or should I say Dom?"

"Daddy," Rowan corrected before he thought about it and blushed furiously. What if Daddy didn't want anyone to know?

Martin, as he'd asked to be called, simply smiled and leaned back. "Shall we chat, or do I need to get out the thumb screws?"

Rowan bit his lip. He was tempted to choose the thumb-screw option rather than talk about…well, anything, really. "What do you need to know?"

"I'm really tempted to answer with whatever you want to tell me but I don't think that will help. I understand you might be facing some problems with your mom?"

"Mother," Rowan corrected automatically.

"And was that what she asked to be called?"

Rowan nodded.

"Why?"

Rowan hesitated, then leaned back in astonishment. "I don't know, but when I tried to call her mommy, she would get all quiet and often pretend she hadn't heard me." He'd forgotten that.

"And was that a common reaction to get you to do as she wanted?"

"Yes," Rowan nodded in surprise, as he'd never thought about it like that. "She never shouted at me. She was just disappointed." He twisted his fingers together. "Do you think she trained me to be submissive?" That was his biggest fear.

Martin cocked his head as if considering the question and Rowan held his breath. "Did you get pleasure out of agreeing with her?"

Rowan wrinkled his nose. Eww. "No, it was just easier." Which made him pathetic, whatever Daddy said.

"And now, how do you feel when you submit to your Daddy?"

Rowan thought of their shower, how thrilled he'd been when Daddy had ordered him in that sexy voice to wash him. "Not—not like that." Rowan shook his head frantically. Definitely not.

Martin smiled. "So, to be clear, you took the path of least resistance with your mother because you were a vulnerable child, and she quickly worked out how to manipulate and control you, but you submit to your Daddy because it brings you both pleasure?"

Rowan gaped at the revelation. They were completely different. "Yes," he said, his voice cracking on the word. "Yes." The relief he felt made him tear up. Martin passed him the box of tissues. Rowan was probably going to need them.

But then they talked about easier stuff. Rowan decided that being a submissive wasn't wrong, even if being a little as well complicated matters. He told Martin about his zoo, and how he had lost himself in it, but had known where he was at the same time. He frowned. "That doesn't make sense."

"Tell me what being lost means to you," Martin asked.

"It means pretend," Rowan whispered. "It means being somewhere better."

"It doesn't mean that you are panicking? That you can't find your way?"

Rowan shook his head. "Not with Daddy. He keeps me safe."

"Safe to explore?" Martin asked and Rowan smiled.

Absolutely.

Rowan practically burst out of the room thirty minutes later and ran at his Daddy, uncaring what anyone else thought. Daddy, of course, caught him and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close and safe. He caught Daddy's suspicious glare at Martin and smiled because he knew Martin was perfectly capable of dealing with Daddies or Doms or whatever.

"I'll see you next week," Martin said, ignoring Daddy, and went back into his office.

Rowan was practically bouncing, and let Daddy direct him to the car, but then dared to give him a kiss when Daddy bent over to fasten his seatbelt. Daddy stopped what he was doing and stared at him. "I don't know what happened, but whatever it was, it must have agreed with you." He stroked a finger down Rowan's cheek. "But you've been crying, and I wasn't there to hold you or kiss it better."

And for the first time, Rowan understood that while he needed Daddy with every breath, that Daddy needed him too. It made him think back to all those weeks ago when he'd made friends with Jay, the masochist who had tried to explain to Rowan that it wasn't the Doms that had all the power, even though they wielded the whips, it was the submissives, because they gave the Doms permission to use them in the first place.

Rowan was relieved to be going home, and while he wasn't ready to talk about what had happened with Martin, he was ready to start believing in a future. They chatted about the house they were moving into at the end of the month, and the dog they were going to get, and Rowan didn't think he could be any happier.

Until they pulled into their driveway and Rowan saw the car parked opposite and recognized the two detectives that got out of it.

And headed their way.