Chapter 18

Four days later, they'd settled into a routine. The restraining order was in place. Daddy had changed Rowan's number and the only people that had it were his father, Daddy, Charlie, Daddy Patrick, and the lawyer. The police also had it, but Rowan was pretty sure they would only contact him if they couldn't get hold of his dad.

They'd gone out with his dad and Hilary, and she had been really kind, but when she asked Rowan what he wanted to do with his degrees, the answer was simply he didn't know. If he was honest, college was an escape from his mother, and at the time from his dad as well. Now he just didn't know what to do with them.

Rowan was living his best life with Daddy though, but for the last few days, there had been something more he wanted. Or maybe something missing. Daddy had followed up that first kiss with many more. Rowan slept in his arms every night and even had naps tucked against Daddy. Daddy was still getting hard and now that Rowan's pads were a lot slimmer than the pull-ups and he only wore them for safety when he went out or at night, well, Rowan was able to feel a lot more.

He"d ignored his body for so long because it was a source of shame. Mother told him so often that he mustn't be "dirty" that he often wondered how on earth she'd gotten pregnant with him in the first place. He had his first appointment with a new doctor soon. He didn't know whether to be excited or overwhelmed. So much was changing.

And he stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried really, really, hard to see what it was that Daddy saw.

And failed.

All he saw was fat, weak, and pathetic. In fact, he was so mired in his own misery that he didn't realize he wasn't alone until Daddy put his arms around him. It was only when Rowan whirled around and pushed into Daddy that Daddy loosened his arms to let him move. "Baby? Are you hurting?"

He shook his head quite forcefully but kept his face pressed into Daddy's chest. "Then what is it, baby boy?"

Dare he say? What if it was true? Would it be better to know now? "Why am I here?" he whispered.

Daddy stayed silent a long time, then sighed. "I think this is my fault." Rowan's heart dived to his boots and slithered away. He'd known. He'd known the whole time, really. "I think I'm sending you mixed signals."

Rowan nodded. Of course. He could go. Go live somewhere. He had money. He just didn't know where to go. "I'm sorry, Dad—Master Gabriel." He'd better get used to it. Not that he could ever go back to the club. The thought of seeing Daddy with another boy made him want to crawl into a hole and die.

Daddy seemed quiet for a very long time, but then let him go and grabbed the light blue fluffy robe that had magically appeared for him and wrapped Rowan up. "Where is your safe space to talk?"

Rowan nearly blurted out ‘on your lap' but he managed to nod toward the big chair in the corner. He preferred the bed, but he had a feeling he needed to be grown up for this. Daddy solemnly led him over, sat, and then opened his arms for Rowan to climb on, and all Rowan's grown-up intentions vanished like smoke. Rowan didn't hesitate; he desperately wanted Daddy's arms around him. He needed them. Especially as he knew it was coming to an end.

Rowan got comfortable and laid his head on Daddy's chest so he could listen to the thud-thud of his heart.

"Why did you just switch to calling me Master Gabriel?"

Rowan's lips parted in shock. Of all the things Daddy might say, he hadn't expected that. "I still call you Daddy in my head," he admitted, "even though I'm not supposed to."

Daddy cupped Rowan's chin and gently made him look up to meet his gaze. "When did we agree to that?"

Rowan stared in utter confusion. "But you did. You said you didn't want this."

Daddy returned his gaze, but then his eyes crinkled as a wry smile curved his lips. "Baby boy," he said admonishingly. "I said I was sending you mixed signals but I'm assuming you took a giant leap and thought that meant I didn't want to be your Daddy anymore?"

"I—" Rowan swallowed. "Yes," he whispered.

Daddy nodded and shifted his weight so Rowan could snuggle a little more, then pressed his head down on Daddy's chest. "That's my fault. I've been a Dom long enough that I should check that my words are clear. I also should have taken into account that you don't see yourself as the beautiful boy I do."

Rowan's heart beat a little faster.

"So, honestly, I'm going to tell you what I want and also explain why I've been holding back, and maybe if you do the same, we can work out where to go from here. We have plenty of time to get ready, and this is important."

"Get ready?" Rowan asked. For what?

"In a bit." Daddy kissed his head. "I want to explain what I mean first. I'm very aware that you're in an incredibly vulnerable position, and as your Daddy I need to take care that no one harms you, including me." He rubbed Rowan's back soothingly, and Rowan knew if he could freeze a moment in time this would be it. "You must know I'm really attracted to you. Fuck baby, you make me hard most of the time. You have to have noticed."

He had. But he thought…

"What? I know you did."

"I just thought it was you," he mumbled.

Daddy threw back his head and laughed, and a tiny amount of joy unfurled in the pit of Rowan's belly. "You're adorable, but I'm not fifteen anymore. Trust me Rowan, it's all you. I want nothing more than to feel you naked and in my arms, but I know you're not ready for that." Daddy paused because Rowan hissed in a breath. Loudly. Being beset with images of him and Daddy naked had struck him like a lightning bolt, and a part of him that Rowan had started feeling more and more began to ache.

"You do?" Rowan asked, a lot of hope in his voice.

"What did you think was happening, sweetheart? I thought I was clear, but obviously not."

"I-I know you…" feel sorry for me.

"Rowan, baby, I want you in every way I can have you, but a hell of a lot has happened to you in the past few days, weeks." Daddy nuzzled the top of his head. "I also have a small surprise. For me too."

Rowan tilted his face up and Daddy groaned and took his lips in the sweetest kiss ever. It made Rowan tingle all over, and when Daddy drew back, he wanted more. Lots more.

"We're going to Max's bookstore this evening. He has a signing arranged from a fantasy author I would love to meet, and Charlie and Dash are going to be there."

"Really?" That sounded fun.

He grinned. "It's Friday, had you forgotten the club?"

Rowan blinked. He had. Usually, his week dragged at a snail's pace until he got to Friday, the one bright spot in his week. "You don't want to go?" Was it because Daddy didn't want to be seen with him? But Daddy didn't have to go into the little room. A pang of disappointment curled in his chest.

Daddy shook his head. "I can guess what's going through your head but seeing as how most of your friend's are going to the signing as well, we've all decided to skip the club this week." Daddy kissed Rowan gently and squeezed him. "Stop worrying."

Rowan flushed, relieved, and a little embarrassed he'd doubted Daddy.

"She writes young adult fiction as well and I'm a huge fan. Plus, all her books have LGBTQ characters in them." Rowan smiled. Daddy sounded excited. "Daddy Caleb will be there, and I happen to know he's made yummy cupcakes, and Daddy Jensen has arranged for you three to have your own private corner, so I think you should take Bear."

Rowan swallowed down the sudden tightness in his throat. "You mean Baby Bear." Then no one would see.

Daddy smiled. "Nope. Baby Bear can come, of course, but I meant Bear. It will be a safe space." He kissed Rowan on the nose. "We will talk some more when we get home from the signing, but I want you there early so I can get you settled." Daddy nudged Rowan to get up and then, taking him by the hand, led him to their bedroom. Daddy hummed to himself and went to the closet where Rowan's things were. "Way too cold for shorts, even though you would look super-cute."

Rowan gaped. Daddy was picking out his clothes? And Rowan bit his lip hard to keep from crying, blinking rapidly. This was his best day ever.

"What about these?" He took out Rowan's comfy cargo pants with all the pockets, a Buzz Lightyear tee, and a matching red sweater that was really soft and warm.

Rowan nodded enthusiastically, but then watched as Daddy walked to the bathroom. "We can keep a couple of spare pads in the car. What do you think?"

And suddenly he didn't want them. He didn't want them ever again. He hated them. They weren't sexy or cute. They were just a constant reminder of his shame. "I don't need them."

"You sure?" Daddy asked carefully, walking back in. "I think they're sexy."

Rowan shook his head quite violently. He had to be saying that to make him feel better, but he hadn't had any accidents during the day this week. He wanted to be normal. He wanted Daddy to be proud of him. He wanted…

I want him to love me.Desperately, irrevocably.

Rowan couldn't speak as that knowledge ran around his brain and Daddy chuckled, oblivious to the thoughts Rowan faced. "Okay baby boy, let's get you dressed." And he did. Daddy wore dress pants, a blue shirt, and a dark blue jacket and looked totally gorgeous, and Rowan shook off his worries and decided he was going to have a good time. They drove to the bookstore, and he was so excited. Charlie and Dash were his best friends, and this felt like a grown-up little event, which sounded really silly, but when he repeated it to Daddy, Daddy thought it was perfect.

Just like him, Daddy said. And Rowan almost floated into the bookstore. They'd gotten there early because Max was expecting a big crowd, and Max had arranged a small area nearly hidden by the tall bookcases where during the day toddlers could stay and play while listening to someone read the stories out loud. In fact, Max was arranging a special little story time when Tiffany Nightshade could come and read to them like she did the kids once a month, except this time they could be their little selves and enjoy it.

It was exciting and Rowan was so happy. Daddy wanted him. He wanted all of him. They had to talk some more, but for the first time Rowan allowed himself to believe this was real.

They all colored or read quietly while the store steadily filled up. Rowan had elected to stay in their corner with Dash and Charlie while Daddy went to meet Emily Jade and get his books signed.

"Daddy," Dash said from where he was peeking through the shelves. "There's a lot of people in here." Rowan heard the worry in Dash's voice, and looked at Daddy Jensen, but his Daddy also heard the anxiety in Dash's voice and drew him back to the sofa and onto his lap. Rowan peeked through the shelves as well and saw it was nearly Daddy's turn to meet the author, and before he thought about it, he rushed over to stand with him. If he'd been in any doubt Daddy hadn't wanted him there, it was soon dispelled by the way Daddy smiled and reached for his hand, tucking him close and then introducing them both to the author. Rowan was a little too star-struck to do anything but smile, but soon Daddy not only had his books signed but also Emily's personal email address so they could talk about the business.

Daddy was thrilled and even kissed Rowan in full view of everyone. Daddy got snagged by Daddy Caleb to help with refreshments and Rowan turned back to the little space only to run smack dab into someone.

Rowan opened his mouth to apologize to the young man, only to hear a loud grunt as Master Paul, of all people, sent him a furious gaze and immediately began petting the man as if he was checking for injuries. "There sweetheart, did the big, clumsy man scare you? Are you hurt?"

It took Rowan a second longer than it should have to realize that Master Paul meant him, and he gazed at the blond-haired, blue-eyed boy letting Master Paul fuss all over him, at the same time as Master Paul kept shooting glares at Rowan. "You need to be more careful," he hissed. "You can't just barge into people like that."

Rowan froze and at the same time, images filled his head of him crawling around on the floor on a leash being made to drink water from a dog's bowl, and his final humiliation of collapsing in front of the whole club. He glanced down because he felt sudden warmth on the front of his pants and stared at the spreading wet stain on the front.

Rowan made some sort of wounded noise, turned, and bolted for the bathroom. It was ruined. His whole night was ruined. Everyone had probably seen. He'd embarrassed Daddy in front of people he admired, and he would never forgive him. He would never love him. What had he been thinking? He locked himself in the stall and glanced down at his wet pants. He couldn't have held back the sobs if his life depended on it.