Chapter 1

Asingle, solitary tear ran unchecked down Rowan's face and he pressed the soft fur of his bear to his chest, gazed at his tiny, secret room, and tucked the teddy under the old comforter, knowing Bear would like the puppies on it. He worried for a second that Bear would be lonely, so he grabbed Frog off the shelf and tucked him in there as well. When he got back from the club he would sleep in here tonight. Father would never know. He doubted that man had been in this wing of the house since Rowan had been thirteen and Father had to have him brought home from school.

It hadn't been the most embarrassing day of his life—Julian Crowther the Third had seen to that later—but it had been the day Rowan knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that his father didn't love him.

Not that sometimes he wished Mother didn't either, but at least staying here every weekend meant he was safely ignored, which was better than during the week when he only wished he was.

Rowan trembled a little as the memory tried to force its way in, but he pushed it back determinedly. Father kept his distance now, and no one knew about the secret hideaway behind the paneling. It had been his one escape.

He dressed discreetly, pulling a plain sweater over his Toy Story t-shirt, knowing it would be warm when he got to the club. After a few seconds' deliberation, he decided not to take a spare. He wouldn't be playing with anyone so he wouldn't get a chance to get all sweaty. He'd still made sure he was clean though, just in case. Maybe he would see…No. Rowan had thought, hoped maybe, that when Daddy—Master Gabriel—had been so kind to him a few weeks ago when Matthew had been so mean that it meant something, but he must have been wrong. Really wrong. Master Gabriel hadn't been near the little room for weeks. He looked up at the sound of a car horn beeping and knew it was his ride. Closing the door, he shrugged into his jacket because it was still cold in March in the evening, and hurried outside, carefully avoiding the study where he knew his father would now be on his second glass of wine.

"Hi Rowan." Rowan smiled shyly at the older driver, Terry, that Adrian used to pick up the unaccompanied subs or littles. He had access to his own ride, but the driver worked for Father and would report where he went. He felt safer with a driver. Of course, he could drive as well, but the thought of getting any of his father's cars out on his own in the dark made him feel a little sick. He never drove if he could help it. Ever. And certainly, never at his mother's except to college and back.

Father was convinced his Friday nights involved meeting a study group. Rowan nearly laughed. He had two completely useless degrees already, but he supposed he would have to start a third soon as an excuse.

He knew his father didn't know what to do with him. His physical problems in his father's eyes meant he had been discounted as useless pretty much at the same time as the divorce. Not just the day his nightmare had begun.

The club was busy when he arrived. He loved Fridays with his friends, and even if they all had Mommies or Daddies now, they still liked to play with him. He quickly signed in, smiling at the sub manning the desk. Jay was a pain slut and for weeks Rowan had hardly dared look at him until one day Jay had walked up to him in the locker room and apologized.

Rowan had gazed at him in shock. "Why are you apologizing?" The words were out before Rowan realized it and he cringed automatically.

"Because I've obviously done something to upset you," Jay had said carefully. "Either that or you think this is catching." He tapped his bare chest and Rowan frowned in confusion.

"W-What?"

"Does Master Adrian know you're a racist?"

Rowan paled, suddenly understanding what Jay meant by touching his skin. "Oh, oh no. I'm sorry." Tears sprang to his eyes. "I would never."

Jay tilted his head and gazed at him. "Then what did I do to you?"

"I—Nothing. You're so strong. And the whips. And you…scare me," Rowan mumbled, feeling his face flame.

Jay tilted his head and considered Rowan. If Rowan could have blushed any more he would have literally caught on fire. "Rowan, no Dom is going to think you like pain. You wear a band that says you don't. Just because you talk to me doesn't mean someone is going to get out a bull whip around you." Rowan was looking at the floor and wishing he could disappear into it, but at Jay's gentle tone he peeked up. Jay was smiling and he cautiously smiled back.

"That's better. I have a scene but maybe when I'm done we can get a juice and chat?" Jay nudged him. Rowan nodded in excitement. He had a new friend.

Rowan walked into the empty locker room and quickly took off his sweater and put it away. Master Adrian had said he was allowed to go in the little room on his own now, something usually littles were only allowed to do when accompanied by their Daddies or Mommies. It made him feel trusted and special.

Or pathetic. It could easily be that. He stopped suddenly as he left the locker room. Was it that? Was Master Adrian taking pity on him? Did he know Rowan would never get a Daddy, so he just felt sorry for him? Oh no. Rowan swallowed. He couldn't. What if the other littles felt the same? What if they weren't really his friends and just felt sorry for him? He had to leave. He had to. He whirled around and nearly walked right into Daddy Caleb.

"Hey Rowan, where are you in a rush to?"

"Hi Rowan," Max smiled and then he glanced down. "This is Shay." Rowan's eyes fell on the guy in the wheelchair, who was gazing up at Rowan.

"Hi," he whispered. Shay smiled a little but looked really nervous.

"Are you coming into the little room?" Daddy Caleb continued as if there was nothing wrong. Was he? Max smiled and opened the door for them all to go through into the club and Rowan immediately saw Master Gabriel had a sub kneeling at his feet.

"I'm on the door." Rowan blurted.

Daddy Caleb frowned a little but nodded. "We'll see you soon then."

He wasn't but knew whoever was there wouldn't mind if they got relieved early. All the subs took a turn on the door, and he knew Master Adrian didn't make them do it because they couldn't afford the membership fees. If they really had problems, Master Adrian worked something out; no, it was so the shyer subs had to actually meet people even if it was just Doms coming in and out. But to Rowan, it was a way to escape so he wouldn't seem to be on his own. So he wouldn't seem quite as pathetic.

He rushed out and smiled at Pete. Pete grinned and jumped down. "You're a life saver. I just got asked to go talk to Master Shaw when I'm free." Rowan's eyebrows rose.

"Wow, well better not keep him waiting then." Master Shaw was apparently a legend. He'd just moved from the UK and had a really good reputation as a Dom. Of course, all the subs were obsessed with the new guy. He'd been here three weeks and had not so much as picked up a flogger. Not that Rowan wanted a flogger anywhere near him. He huffed to himself. The thought of a flogger was frightening, but it was the thought of him being naked with anyone that made him want to be sick.

Rowan signed in a couple of members and then just sat there. He was pathetic, really. He wanted—desperately wanted—his own Daddy but knew outside of books he wasn't going to get one. All the littles were gorgeous. Small, delicate, fine-boned with almost elfin features that a Daddy could pick up and cuddle. Not that it would ever happen, but if a Daddy picked him up he would get a hernia, and that was assuming he could lift him in the first place.

Well-built. Big-boned.They were the kinder comments over the years. The euphemisms for fat were endless, even the ones meant kindly. He didn't even know why he was here. There was no way he was going to get a Daddy but every weekend like clockwork Rowan tried. He heard the door open as someone exited the club and looked up almost automatically.

It was Master Gabriel.

Rowan might have whimpered. The strong, silent Dom oozed capability and dominance. The problem was Master Gabriel wanted subs on their knees.

And Rowan wanted to be on his lap.

"What are you doing here?" Master Gabriel frowned. "You're not due on the door for another two hours. Did someone not show?"

Rowan's heart beat so fast he stuttered. "I-I don't mind."

Gabriel took a deep breath and smiled again. "I know you don't. But there's a difference between helping out and being taken advantage of."

Rowan smiled. It was as if his universe was complete. "Can I help you, Sir?" Please. Oh God, please.

Master Gabriel hesitated and for one glorious, heart-breaking second Rowan thought he was going to get what he wanted. Master Gabriel shook his head. "I left my cell phone in the car. I was just going to grab it."

Rowan blinked stupidly. "That's important." Duh. Of course, it was important.

Master Gabriel seemed to study Rowan for a moment. "Has Master Adrian set you up with a Daddy Dom yet?"

Rowan flushed and shook his head. He didn't want a Daddy Dom. He just wanted a Daddy. He didn't want someone who needed to be strict because Rowan wouldn't so much as put a toe out of line. He'd seen the brats and how their Doms loved it and knew he couldn't even pretend to misbehave. He was too terrified of misbehaving and putting a Dom off. Of them getting tired and leaving him.

Which was ridiculous when he was never going to get one interested in the first place, especially, especially with his problems.

"You won't find someone sitting out here."

"I won't be long," Rowan whispered just as the door opened and a group came in. Rowan reluctantly dragged his gaze from Master Gabriel and turned his attention to the new people. He didn't recognize two of them, and they signed in as guests. The two Doms they were with played here occasionally but weren't Daddies so Rowan didn't really interact with them.

"Well, well. If I'd known you were going to have this tasty morsel on the door, I would have been waiting outside for you to arrive."

Rowan registered the words and glanced to his left automatically in case there was another sub standing there.

"What's your name, Boy?"

Rowan blinked in shock and gazed at the man in front of him. Rowan's eyes travelled up the dark navy suit, spotless white shirt and red tie, to his face. And the raised eyebrow over dark green eyes that was currently expecting a reply. "R-Rowan, sir." Rowan felt the tell-tale blush creeping up his neck, and then gaped in shock as the man took Rowan's wrist and examined his band.

"Rowan's a little, Paul," the other Dom—Eric, Rowan thought he was called. He wasn't saying it unkindly though.

Master Paul smiled at Rowan and dropped his arm. "Oh, I don't know," he said appraisingly. "I doubt there's anything little about him."

Rowan's flush had reached his hairline. He knew he was being teased, he just couldn't work out whether it was meant kindly or not. Probably not.

"I'll be looking for you when you finish out here, Rowan."

Rowan's mouth must have fallen open because Master Paul chuckled and with a firm finger under Rowan's chin pushed it closed before turning and following his friends into the main room.

Rowan stared in shock at the closed door. Him? Master Paul was interested in him. Nah. Rowan shook his head. That was impossible. He'd misheard. The man was being polite.

The door opened again and Master Gabriel came back in, rubbing his hands. He smiled at Rowan. "I'll make sure you get relieved soon." Rowan just nodded, still in a complete daze, and he still hadn't recovered when Julie bounced through the door, grinning, an hour later.

Did he dare?

Rowan picked himself up and walked through the doors. There was, he supposed, only one way to find out.