Prologue

PROLOGUE

M arshall "Cap" Sager's hands clawed at the dirt above him, his nails bloody and chipped from his struggles. He knew the more he fought, the more oxygen he'd use up, but logic and training had left him. He hadn't heard the others' voices in a long time. Anxiety and panic were his only companions now.

I can't breathe… I can't breathe…

A fingernail fell off, but he didn't feel the pain. There was no pain. Not anymore.

He laid his arms back down. He wanted to cry but he was too dehydrated. Molly . His beautiful wife was going to be so devastated when she got the news of his death. He'd promised they'd try for a baby when he got back from this mission. If he'd known… Maybe he should have tried before. At least if she was pregnant, he'd be leaving a bit of himself behind with her. A little boy or a little girl she could remember him by.

The darkness was all consuming. He'd swallowed so much dirt and debris that his mouth felt chalky, his stomach felt heavy, and his lungs felt compacted.

What was he to do? He was buried alive halfway across the world from the woman he loved. He was going to die.

I can't breathe… I can't breathe…

The others were already dead. As painful as that thought was, it was reality. His brothers, his team… He'd given up calling out to them hours, maybe days, ago. Smeagol had lasted the longest, but he'd eventually fallen silent too. Fuck, he already had a little girl. Her name was Precious, hence how Freddy Dorgan had gotten his call sign. It was doubtful Wizard and Bunny had survived the initial blast; they'd been the closest to it.

Fucking suicide bombers.

They couldn't even trust children in this godforsaken country. Cap's SEAL team hadn't stood a chance. Their intel had either been faulty or there had been a traitor leaking information. Regardless, help wasn't coming. The United States was not going to send a rescue team into a country they weren't even allowed to be in.

Cap was going to run out of air soon. He didn't want to die, but he wasn't afraid of dying. He hoped his body and those of his teammates didn't show up on some YouTube channel being desecrated. Not that he would be around to care, but he didn't want Molly, his brother, or parents to see that. His death would be hard enough on them.

He'd close his eyes for a moment. Then he'd get back to work.

Rescue had come, and not in the way Cap had expected. A Delta Force team, who had unofficially been in the area, had heard the explosion. They defied orders to try to rescue their Navy brothers. It had taken three days for them to dig through the rubble, fight off insurgents, and pull the six Navy SEAL bodies from the ground.

Cap had barely been breathing. He only vaguely recalled the rescue itself, becoming more conscious in the medical chopper and then later on at the base before being transferred to Germany. He learned the fates of his teammates by overhearing the medical staff's chatter. Pieces of Bunny and Wizard were located, enough to declare them dead. Crash's body had been discovered mostly intact; he'd died from blood loss after a support beam had impaled him. Saint had been found alive, but he'd passed on the way to Germany.

It had nearly broken Cap when he'd learned Smeagol was alive. From what little he'd overheard, Smeagol's right arm and both of his legs had to be amputated. However, the way he'd been crushed had saved his life and kept him from bleeding out. The quick work of the Delta medic had done the rest.

Somehow, Cap was going to be walking out of the hospital after treatment for dehydration and malnourishment. His lungs were not as filled with debris as they expected, attributing that to the concrete stairs creating a safe pocket of air for him. The doctors called it good fortune, but Cap wasn't so sure. Wouldn't it have been better to die with his team? Or at least have traded places with Smeagol? How was the man ever going to hold his daughter again with literally only one arm left of his four major extremities?

Cap's ‘good fortune' could only be attributed to his position on the stairs when the building had exploded. Like the Survivors' Stairwell in the South Tower, the staircase had protected Cap from the collapsing building above him, but not the dirt and debris that had soon buried him below it. Unlike Smeagol and Crash, whose injuries would have eventually led to their deaths, Cap's death would have been from oxygen deprivation.

As soon as he was able to, Cap was up and at Smeagol's bedside. Their commander, Ethan "Swan" Cygnet, had been at the hospital waiting for them. As Smeagol was in no position to give a report, the After-Action Report had had to be given by Cap alone. He'd never had to give an AAR alone before. It felt…wrong. Swan swore he'd get to the bottom of what happened.

Five days after they arrived in Germany, Smeagol's wife arrived. She'd left their daughter with her parents, not wanting to frighten their three-year-old, and had traveled for two days straight to get to her husband. Cap tried to apologize to her, but Alice wouldn't hear of it. She was very aware of how close the SEAL team was, and she knew that none of them would have done anything to endanger the others.

Cap held her as she cried. She wanted to know the names of the Delta team who had rescued them, but Cap didn't even know that. Swan might, though it was doubtful he'd tell even if he did. Deltas' identities were even more secretive than the SEALs.

Several days after Alice had arrived, the doctors had brought Smeagol out of his medically induced coma. Alice never left his side. She was right there, every step of the way.

Cap's brother Gus, who had to get special leave to visit him at the hospital, and his parents had come. All three got suspiciously quiet whenever Cap inquired about Molly. Why wasn't his wife here as Alice was for Smeagol?

Finally, he'd had enough of their half-answers and subject changes, demanding to know what was going on.

His mom took his hand and confessed that Molly said she wasn't coming. Cap didn't understand. He'd nearly died. Two-thirds of his team was dead—and his wife wasn't coming?

"She claims she couldn't get time off work," his mom said. Her face was turned away from him, but Cap caught the disgust on her face as well as in her voice.

Whenever Cap tried calling her cellphone, it went straight to voicemail. From his parents' and Gus's phones too. Eventually, Gus had to catch a ride back to his post. Their parents hugged and kissed him goodbye; Cap and Gus gave each other chin lifts only to annoy their mom because they hadn't hugged or told the other they loved him.

Perhaps Cap was still in shock. It was the only reason the anger over Molly's refusal to come to Germany didn't bother him as much as it should have. There was also the news that he was being discharged soon. Swan was talking about him joining another SEAL team, but Cap had told him no. He was still part of a SEAL team, and until Smeagol was home and situated, Cap's place was with him.

Unfortunately, the Navy didn't see it that way. Before he left the hospital, he'd been given orders that he was transferring homebases. His parents followed him back to California to help him pack and to be there when he confronted Molly.

Which meant his parents were also there when he walked in on Molly fucking another man. That's when the anger hit him.

A vase being thrown and the resulting crash caused such a severe flashback that Cap's parents had had to simultaneously call for an ambulance and kick Molly out of their house.

I can't breathe… I can't breathe…

The medical discharge that Cap received from the Navy was long overdue. They'd tried to fix him first, but there was no cure-all prescription or operation for PTSD. Being around for Smeagol's homecoming helped, but the pitying looks he kept receiving once word about Molly had spread did not.

The flashbacks continued, especially anytime there was a loud noise. Fireworks were the worst, gunshots a close second. A car had backfired down the road in the middle of the night, and Cap had taken cover in his bathtub believing the neighborhood was under attack.

The anxiety and nightmares were getting worse. Cap couldn't sleep. If he fell asleep, he knew he'd be back in that underground grave. Food lost its taste, a hollow depression sucking him down into a cavern of despair and emptiness.

With the support of his family, Smeagol was doing better than Cap was. Smeagol had even been entered into a trial by a robotics company who made prosthetics to try out their latest products.

Cap's mom continued to travel to California to try and help, but Cap kept pushing her away.

Pills and alcohol became Cap's only companions. At first, he was able to hide it. Like any addict though, he was eventually discovered. Gus came for a visit and found his stash. While it had only been prescription drugs, Cap had been contemplating finding something stronger to take the edge off.

No one seemed to understand that he just needed to breathe . It was like he was in a constant state of hyperventilation. He could never get enough air into his lungs.

The other thought in his mind was if he'd be like this if Molly had been a supportive wife. Being around Smeagol, Alice, and their daughter started to become too much. Cap couldn't look at them without seeing what he thought he'd have waiting for him at home.

He'd loved Molly. She'd been there when he'd earned his Trident. He'd proposed at his celebration party. They'd promised to love and support each other. They were supposed to grow old together.

Instead, he'd been buried alive and nearly died and she'd been at home fucking some other guy. Cap wasn't even sure how long she'd been unfaithful and, frankly, didn't want to know.

Despite his former profession, Cap had never considered himself to be a violent person. When he'd discovered that Gus had poured all of his alcohol down the sink and flushed all of the random pills, he'd struck out at his brother. Being hyped up on pills and hungover were the only reasons that Gus was able to best him in that fight.

Cap stormed out of his house. He drove away, though he had been in no condition to safely drive. Several days later, Cap drove his car into a light pole. It was a wonder he hadn't killed anyone. Once again, he walked away with minor injuries. He was then forced into an out-patient rehab program by a judge who had never seen war and whose biggest life problems probably revolved around which prostitute to pay to blow him that night.

The only good thing about being sober was Cap being able to see the trajectory his life had taken. Needing a new start, Cap sold his house and most of his belongings. He packed what he could in his rucksack, hopped onto a bus, and rode across the country to his parents' house in Asheboro, North Carolina. He wanted to do something with his life, but knew he needed help to control his addiction.

For a time, being around family and a house that wasn't tainted by memories of his ex-wife helped. His nightmares were less, he was eating healthier, and he was attending his support group meetings. Then, one fateful day, a dump truck driver had a heart attack and the large vehicle had crashed into a neighbor's house. The echoing destruction, followed by the power immediately going out, had caused a horrible flashback.

Cap couldn't breathe . He hadn't recognized where he was or who he was with. His mom had tried to help him, and Cap had lashed out. His mom had stumbled backward and hit her head on the coffee table.

She was alive, thank the Lord, but the sight of his mom bloody on the living room floor had done nothing to ease him back into reality. At least he had enough sense to call nine-one-one for her before he ran.

His dad found him later that night, standing on the ledge of a bridge. Cap wasn't sure how long he'd been there, inches from open air and the rushing waters below. The deep river was hypnotic in a way. As a SEAL, he'd always found peace in the water. He'd dived into some of the most treacherous waters there were around the world.

Could this water bring him some peace? He was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of feeling tired… Swaying, Cap took a step forward. Maybe in the water he could finally sleep…

"Marshall!"

Cap heard his name, but it wasn't enough to snap him out of his haze. The hand grabbing his was. He turned and was confused as to why his father's face next to his. "Dad?"

"Marshall, what are you doing? You need to get down from here."

His vision was fuzzy enough that his dad looked like an apparition. "I'm sorry I hurt Mom." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "So fucking sorry."

"Your mom's fine. She's got a bump on her head and needed some stitches, but she's going to be fine. She's worried shitless about you. What are you doing up here?"

Cap's attention was caught by the racing water below. "I'm so tired, Dad. I just want to sleep."

"Then let me take you home! Your bed's there."

But Cap was shaking his head. "Can't. Not there."

"Where then? Where do you want to sleep?"

Cap said nothing, continuing to stare straight down at the river.

"You are not jumping, son! I won't let you." The hand in his tightened.

"Better me than anyone else." The image of deep crimson in his mom's hair flashed before his eyes. Cap flinched and started to take a step forward.

A sharp tug pulled him back. "No! Marshall, you'll die!"

Die? Death might not be too bad. At least he couldn't think or dream if he was dead. It was a permanent kind of sleep.

"Marshall, stop!" Another tug on his arm. "Think about Freddy! Smeagol! What would he say to you if he was here?"

Except it wasn't Smeagol's face his dad's words brought to his mind's eye. It was Wizard's and Crash's and Bunny's and Saint's. The morning of the explosion they'd all been laughing. They could feel the tension, but it was supposed to be a simple extraction. An American reporter had gone someplace they shouldn't have and had gotten themselves captured. They were going to be publicly executed if the demanded ransom wasn't paid. The United States stood by their statement that they didn't negotiate with terrorists and had sent in Cap's SEAL team.

Trap. It had been a trap.

Swan had gotten back to Cap weeks after his discharge from Germany. The journalist had already been killed. The Taliban had wanted the SEALs to come. They'd even videoed the explosion with Cap's team still inside.

Wizard would never pull another quarter out of someone's ear.

Crash would never prove that he could drive a Sea-Doo without crashing it into a reef.

Bunny would never get the opportunity to change his call sign after getting a rabbit drunkenly tattooed on his body.

Saint would never propose to his girlfriend back in St. Louis.

Dead. All four dead. Somehow Cap had walked away. Smeagol might be alive, but he'd forever be changed, marred, broken.

"Fine!" his father snapped. Cap felt something brush up against him. His dad was now standing on the ledge with him. When Cap just stared at him confused, his dad said sternly, "I was there when you were brought into this world. I'll be damned if you leave it without me too."

"What about Mom?" In retrospect, it wasn't the smartest question to ask.

"What about her? She's about to lose her son. Losing her husband too won't make the pain any less." His dad tipped his head over the side. "Long way down. We going to do this?"

Cap just stared at his dad in bewilderment. "I don't want you to die."

"And you think I want you to? You need help, son." His dad pointed downward. "Case in point. You're my son, Marshall. I don't want to die, and I certainly don't want you to. You're in pain, but this isn't the way to solve it. You'll only be spreading your pain. Every holiday, every birthday, you'll be this gaping hole in our lives. Is that what you want?"

It wasn't what Cap wanted. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to be able to breathe without thinking it'll be his last breath.

"I hurt Mom."

"Yeah, you did." His dad's voice was casual, almost conversational. "But you're about to hurt her even more. Do you think she'll be happy or relieved when she hears you took your own life? Think that'll make her head wound feel better?"

The haze was starting to come over his brain again. He was so fucking tired.

"So, Mr. Big Navy SEAL, are we going to do this? Are you going to jump?"