Chapter 2

The timing worked out perfectly. Shepherd didn't have to report for training in Washington until three days after Allegra had to be at Columbia in New York to move into her dorm and sign in for orientation. He drove her down from Newport with a van full of what she had been buying all summer. Her father had sent her an allowance for supplies, and was paying for her college education, just as he had paid for boarding school and all her incidentals and expenses. It was the only thing he had ever done for her—he felt it was his responsibility to pay for her education, and the basics she needed for school and college and her life in New York now. To Shep, she called it "blood money" that her father gave her so he didn't have to be there. He paid his dues without complaint and was a virtual father.

Shep helped her set up her stereo and carried in her trunk for her. He did everything everyone else's father was doing, and they went out to dinner at night. They had spent every minute together that summer, and it was going to be strange not being with him when he left for Washington. Her grandparents thought it was a harmless flirtation, and didn't realize it had gone farther than that, nor did his very conservative Bostonian parents. None had any objections to their spending time together, assuming it would fade away once she went to college and he went to Washington, although they had been close friends for two years by then. Their families didn't take their relationship seriously. At eighteen and twenty-two, Allegra and Shepherd had their whole lives ahead of them for serious attachments and to meet the right people, according to their families. Their elders dismissed it as a passing fancy, a summer romance, with no understanding of how bonded they were. Shepherd had always felt like the odd man out in his family. Ten and twelve years younger than his brothers, who lived far away and rarely came home, and with older, extremely proper, rigid parents, he had nothing in common with them. And Allegra understood him and had no family attachments at all.

Shep and Allegra had already talked about the future, and they both knew that this was the real thing. They didn't argue with their families about it. It was easier if they didn't take it seriously. They might have worried about it otherwise, that their relationship would distract them from what they had to do, with the army and school.

It took Shep two days to set everything up for her at Columbia, and he stayed an extra day just to be with her. He even went to orientation with her. She was excited about Columbia and Shep was happy for her. She was free now.

"I'm going to miss you," she said on their last night together. He was staying at a small, inexpensive hotel on the West Side, and she spent the night with him there, saying she was staying with her grandparents when she signed out at her dorm. She had met her two roommates, but didn't know them well yet, and didn't owe them any explanations. They were busy with their parents. For once, she didn't care that she didn't have parents to be there with her. Her father was in Iraq and had promised to be home by Christmas. She wasn't counting on it, and if he didn't make it back, she and Shep had agreed to spend the holidays together in either New York or Newport, depending on where their grandparents were, so they could stay with them respectively and see each other.

Allegra and Shepherd left the hotel early the next morning, so he could take the train to Washington and she could get to her first class. He had promised to come back that weekend if he could get away, or the following one. Unlike everyone else in her life, Shepherd never disappointed her, especially since they had become lovers that summer. He spent every moment with her he could, and never let her down. They were both looking forward to their classes that fall—his leadership course and then military intelligence training, and her studies in English lit at Columbia. With Shep stationed in Washington, there would be lots of opportunities for weekends together. They were both good students and Allegra had to keep up with her assignments, papers, and exams, and there was so much to learn, for both of them.

—

In reality, they managed a surprising number of weekends together during her freshman year in college. Shep joined Allegra and her grandparents for Thanksgiving dinner in New York. His older brothers were going to their in-laws' that year, and his parents had decided to take a cruise, which left him at loose ends, so he was grateful to spend the holiday with Allegra and the VanderHolts. The weather had been particularly snowy in Rhode Island, so they decided not to go to Newport. Allegra always thought it was more fun in the summer, and she enjoyed New York in the winter.

Predictably, her father didn't make it back from Iraq for Christmas. It neither surprised her nor mattered to her. She liked her roommates but wasn't close to them. She was used to keeping her distance, except for Shep. They were closer than ever. He had a long leave, and both their families went to Newport for the holiday, so they were together there, and they went skiing in Vermont afterward, each of them pretending to go with friends. They stayed at a romantic little inn Shep paid for. She chipped in for meals and bought a cheap pair of secondhand skis.

It had been a perfect Christmas for Allegra, better than any that had come before, because she was with Shep. Her father was promising to return to the States in May, but she knew how hard it was for him to predict his schedule. If they got word in Iraq of any planned subversive activity, he'd have to stay. She never counted on seeing him at the time he said. It was the nature of his work.

Allegra had a Christmas card from her mother with a check for two hundred dollars in it, and a note telling her to buy herself a present. It was a first. She used it to pay for the secondhand skis. She wondered if her mother could guess that George, the teddy bear, still sat on her bed. For too many years, he had been Allegra's only confidant and friend. Now she had Shep. They told each other everything, talking late into the night, whether on the phone or in person. They never ran out of things to say or confidences to share. They had both had lonely childhoods. Shep had suffered from cold, distant parents. His brothers had both left for college when he was still a child. He was six and eight years old when they left. His older brothers were close to each other and not to him. He had been a late accident of their parents, and most of the time he felt they all acted as if he didn't exist. He was an embarrassment. Allegra's situation was more extreme, with two absentee parents, and grandparents who were never comfortable with having her with them. Isabelle had exhausted them with her wild, unruly behavior, and having a teenager in the house at all created a negative déjà vu for them, even if she was well behaved. They were relieved that she was in college now and didn't want to stay with them for long. They had done their duty for seven years as holiday grandparents, and were delighted that she was growing up. They approved of Shepherd because they knew his grandparents from Newport, and he was from a respectable Boston family of bankers.

"Do you realize that everyone we're related to is a snob?" Allegra said to Shep one night. He laughed. "If you were from some regular family, and didn't have a house in Newport, my family wouldn't like you. That's disgusting."

"It's how those families work. They feel safer with their own kind. And your grandmother may approve of me, but she doesn't talk to me. My family isn't fancy enough, and their house isn't big enough to impress her, and I don't think she likes the fact that I'm from Boston." Allegra knew it was somewhat true. Her grandparents were fancier than his, and wealthier, which mattered to them too.

"And your mother always comments that my father is a soldier. But so was her father-in-law, and now so are you."

"She forgives me everything because I'm her son." He smiled at Allegra. He couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was. He felt like the luckiest man in the world because she loved him. They were very attractive young people and made a handsome couple.

"I think she thinks my father is a murderer, since he's career army. And she's probably right," Allegra said, she hated to think about it. She was sure she would be horrified at the things her father had done, if she knew about them. But she never would. She didn't want Shep to go down that path. It would destroy him. But he said he was enjoying his military intelligence classes, though he couldn't talk about them. It was the only thing in his life he didn't discuss with Allegra. They were like two bodies with one soul.

—

Her sophomore year went just as smoothly, and the following one. Her classes were getting more interesting. Her relationship with Shep had grown deeper. At the beginning of her senior year, they had been lovers for three years, and best friends for two years before that.

Shep had another two years to complete on active duty, and four weeks off during the summer, which he spent in Newport. Allegra stayed at her grandparents' house to be near him. They were inseparable. She was twenty-one and he was twenty-five. She had hardly seen her father for the past two years. He was the head of military intelligence in Iraq. He was sixty-five years old and planned to retire at sixty-eight. He was a lieutenant general, with a presidential deferment to stay on active duty until his sixty-eighth birthday. And then he had to retire. But the military was his life, and he was vital and strong. The army needed him, for his expertise and experience. He was stationed in the Middle East as Allegra began her senior year at Columbia. Shepherd was working full-time in military intelligence in Washington, and enjoying the job, but he was still planning to leave the army in two years, a year after Allegra graduated. Their plans dovetailed perfectly, and had for all her college years.

The most shocking thing that had ever happened to either of them occurred shortly after her classes started in September. She was in New York and Shep in Washington the morning the planes hit the Twin Towers, on September 11. Her class was dismissed immediately and she rushed home to her apartment to see the news on TV. She saw the report that the Pentagon had been hit in Washington, and she was panicked for Shep. At first, she was afraid a war was starting. What actually was happening was so shocking no one could understand it at first. She saw the Twin Towers come down and cried as she watched. It was hours before she could reach Shep, and a week before she saw him, when he finally could come to New York.

Whatever insider information he had, he couldn't share with her. The entire country was badly shaken, and New York was somber and subdued. It was a full month before the city returned to a semblance of normal and people seemed in better spirits. Shep told her that life would never be the same, after an attack on American soil that was so devastating.

—

In October, a month after 9/11, they were making plans for Thanksgiving when Shep showed up in New York on a Tuesday night without warning. He always called to tell her he was coming. Allegra had her own small student apartment by then, near school, which her father paid for. Shep had a key and let himself in. She was studying and suddenly looked up and he was standing there. He looked pale and troubled.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, as she stood up to kiss him, and he put his arms around her.

"I need to talk to you," he said as they both sat down.

"Do you want something to eat?" He shook his head. She knew something had happened, and she could feel a chill run through her. "What's wrong?"

"I got orders today. They're sending me to Afghanistan," he said, with a tormented look in his eyes.

"I thought they were going to keep you in Washington?" She frowned, shocked by the news.

"That's what they said. They changed their minds. They can send me wherever they want. And I have the training for this." He had never said that before.

"Is this because of 9/11?" she asked him, and he nodded. "Can you refuse to go?" she asked, feeling breathless and reaching for his hand. He held it tightly in his as they sat on the couch in her apartment. The assignment had come as a shock to him too.

"No. I'm in the army. I'd have to have a damn good reason, like health, not to go, and I don't. They're only sending me for six months, and then I've got another eighteen months in Washington before I finish active duty."

"You can't go." Allegra looked desperate. She had seen what places like that had done to her father. In her opinion, Bradley was subhuman, no matter how good he was at his job, or probably because of it. She didn't want that happening to Shep. They would ruin him. He was the gentlest soul she knew. He would never survive a war zone like that, and the things that happened there. She knew enough about military intelligence from her father to be terrified for Shep.

"I don't have a choice," he explained to her. "These are orders, not an invitation. I'll be attached to MI while I'm there. In theory it's a strategic office job." They had trained him for a situation like this one.

"There's no such thing in a war zone. Everyone gets pulled in to do the dirty work, and in places like that, it couldn't be dirtier." Allegra had read a lot about it. "When do you have to go?"

"In three weeks," he said, still holding tightly to her hand. He had wanted to tell her in person. He couldn't give her news like that over the phone. He knew how upset she would be. He was too, but there was nothing he could do about it. He had to go.

"You won't be here for Thanksgiving," she said, feeling as though she was in a haze and had lost her sense of direction.

"I know."

"Or for Christmas. When would you come back?"

"In May," he said in a flat voice. It sounded like a lifetime away to both of them. If he didn't get shot or killed in the meantime.

"What do we do now?" she asked him, still feeling dazed. She felt as though a wrecking ball had hit them.

"I want to get married," he said in a strained voice.

"Now?" She hadn't expected that.

"Before I go. I feel like it will protect me." What Shep said brought tears to her eyes. "And we want to get married anyway." And they had always said they didn't want a big social wedding. Allegra nodded, thinking about what he'd said. She liked the idea too. It would confirm everything they felt for each other, and had for five years. They had grown up together.

"Do you want a real wedding and all that?" she asked him, to be sure. That would be harder to pull off. Her grandfather had been ill recently, and her grandmother was getting frail and was not up to planning a wedding, if she would even do it. Allegra had always figured she'd have to plan her own wedding one day, even a small one, and three weeks wasn't enough time to do it. The fanfare didn't matter to either of them, it never had. All they cared about was being married to each other.

"No, let's just go to City Hall and do it. We could get the license tomorrow before I go back. And we'll get married this weekend. I think you have to wait a couple of days after you get the license."

She nodded agreement. "I'll skip my early class tomorrow. Are you going to tell your parents?" she asked him. She wasn't sure if they would approve or not. They still thought she was too young for such a serious relationship.

"I don't know. If I tell them, they'll want us to wait and have some big deal wedding in Newport. We can always plan that later. This is just about us, if you want to do it," he asked shyly. It was a big step for both of them.

"I do want to," she said seriously. Everything was moving so quickly. "My grandmother will think the same thing. Let's not deal with everyone's opinions, and just do it." He smiled at her answer and wasn't surprised. They were always on the same page, soulmates. She hoped that their being married would protect him from the evil forces he'd be fighting every day, the dangers of a war zone, especially in that part of the world. Her father was there. She wondered whether she should tell him Shep was arriving, and if they'd be in the same place. Maybe Bradley could look out for Shep, although she doubted he would. He had no paternal instincts for her or anyone else.

They lay awake talking for most of the night, and finally fell asleep. It was still dark when they got up early, went out, rode the subway downtown, and were at the front of the line, waiting to get into City Hall when it opened. They went straight to the Bureau of Licenses and filled out the forms. They got the license and Allegra put it in her purse for safekeeping. He kissed her and they felt like two conspirators on a secret mission, and then he took the subway to Penn Station to catch his train to D.C., and she went all the way back uptown to Columbia. It was exciting knowing that she had their marriage license in her purse. Marrying Shep was the most important thing she'd ever done in her entire life. It would change everything. She'd be a married woman, and one day they'd have children. This was the beginning, and when he came back, if they wanted to, they could have a proper Newport wedding in the VanderHolt mansion, to please their families and make it seem more official. But this seemed much more real. She would be his wife when he left, and for the rest of their lives until one of them died.

She was glad that he wanted to get married. After classes that afternoon, she called her father in Afghanistan. He had an office there, if he was in it, and not touring around the countryside on a mission. She wasn't calling to tell him she was getting married. She wanted to tell him that Shep was coming to Afghanistan, and to look out for him. He was surprised to hear from her—she never called him, except to wish him a happy birthday, or on Christmas.

"Is everything all right?" he asked her in a businesslike voice. He knew her grandfather hadn't been well recently.

"Yes and no," she said in a serious voice. "Shep is being sent to Afghanistan in three weeks. I wanted you to know."

"I'll find out where they're sending him. Maybe to my office, or he may get assigned to some other detail. They keep the MI boys busy here out in the field. We catch a fair number of spies we have to deal with," he said matter-of-factly, which filled her heart with fear again.

"I wish they weren't sending him. He has less than two years left."

"We all wind up in places like this at some time. He's had a soft ride till now. Afghanistan will make a man of him." Shep already was a man, and the last thing she wanted was for him to turn into a man like her father. His notion of manhood was very different from hers. They talked for a few more minutes, and he said he'd find out when Shep arrived and look him up. He liked him better knowing he was being given an assignment in a hard post, instead of a desk job at the Pentagon.

Allegra didn't tell Bradley she was getting married in three days. It was a private matter between her and Shep, and she had no desire to share it with her father. One day, he would walk her down the aisle in his dress uniform, which was just window-dressing. The real heart of their marriage was being born at City Hall in three days, and Bradley had no place in that. He had shared none of her joys and sorrows over the years, and this was going to be the most important moment in her life. She wanted to share it with Shep, and no one else. He was the only person who had been there for her in her entire life. Her grandparents had been shamed into grudgingly hosting her for holidays, and her father had never been there for her at all. She owed him nothing, except to be polite to him when he visited her for a few hours once every year or eighteen months.

—

Shep arrived at midnight on Friday. His current job in military intelligence was a standard office job, five days a week, with evenings and weekends off. He had taken the train from Washington after work, as he had almost every weekend for three years. Everything had been so easy until now. And now he had to face Afghanistan.

They were among the first on line at City Hall. Allegra had worn a white wool dress she already owned, and a white coat she had bought that week with her allowance, and they lent her a bouquet at City Hall. She had worn her red hair straight down her back, and she looked beautiful and young. Even in the institutional surroundings, there was a sudden magic to it when the City Hall employee performing the ceremonies that day pronounced them man and wife and Shep kissed her. They had none of the trappings of the kind of wedding they would have had, but it was a moment they both knew they would cherish forever. Allegra handed back the bouquet when they left, and they walked out into the October sunshine. It was a glorious autumn day in New York.

"What'll we do now?" she asked him, beaming. For a moment, they forgot the reason for their hasty marriage, and were just a young couple with their whole life together ahead of them. Shep had a plan, and he hailed a cab. He had the driver take them to the Plaza Hotel, where he handed Allegra into a white hansom cab, and after they took a tour of Central Park, the carriage driver took them down Fifth Avenue to the 21 Club. They had both eaten there with their grandparents at various times but had never been there together. Shep had reserved a table for them and ordered champagne. They toasted each other, had a sumptuous lunch, and afterward went back to her small student apartment uptown.

In spite of the circumstances and no one to celebrate with them, Shep and Allegra turned it into a special day. Even when they went back to her apartment, it felt different than usual. He carried her over the threshold, and they made love with all the tenderness and poignancy of the day. He fell asleep in her arms afterward, and she watched his beautiful face as he slept. There had always been an innocence to him which touched her deeply. Sometimes he was more like a boy than a man. There was still a playful, childlike quality that she loved about him, and he brought that out in her as well.

It was chilly that night and they snuggled in her bed, and when he woke up, they talked about the things they had done in Newport the summer they met. The memories would have to keep them going for the next six months after he left. They tried to forget the reason for their hasty marriage, but it was always there, a drumroll in the distance, a storm ready to engulf them. They would have to hold on tight to get through it. They were both ready to do that. It was painful to realize that once he left, she wouldn't see him again until May. It seemed an eternity away. They had never been apart for that long since they'd met.

On Sunday, they went for a long walk in the park. She smiled every time she looked at the narrow gold wedding ring he had put on her finger the day before. He had bought it in Washington and brought it with him, and had borrowed a ring of hers without her knowing so he would get the right size. He was wearing a wedding ring too. He hadn't decided yet if he was going to tell the army he had gotten married. If he did, her father might find out, and Allegra didn't want Bradley to know. He would be annoyed that they hadn't waited to do it properly, with a full guard of West Point cadets holding crossed swords over their heads, worthy of a West Point officer. She knew the kind of wedding her father would have wanted for her. He hadn't been there for a single important moment in her life, but he would want all the pomp and ceremony due his rank, which she didn't care about. She couldn't remember the last time he had hugged her, and yet he would want to give her away. The hypocrisy of it was jarring.

It was enough to be married to Shep. She didn't need to tell the world. One day they would, at the right time, with Afghanistan behind them.

He took the early train back to Washington on Monday morning, and was pensive all day, thinking about her and their wedding weekend and what it meant to him. He didn't see how he was going to be able to leave her in a few weeks. He would receive rigorous combat training once he got to Afghanistan, although he wasn't supposed to be in combat, being in military intelligence. But situations happened, and he had to know the local style of combat and what he might run into unexpectedly. He hadn't said anything to Allegra about it. It was just part of the drill of going to the area.

He went to New York every weekend until the last one, and then she went to Washington. She skipped some classes to see him off. She wanted to be with him until the very last minute they would be able to share.

Their last weekend together was hard. The minutes ticked by so loudly you could almost hear them, like sand filtering down an hourglass. Second by second, she was losing him, and wondered who would come back in his place. She knew that the worst wounds that returned from war were those you couldn't see.

He had to go back to the base the night before he left. She dropped him off in a car they had rented, and he held her tight before he got out of the car.

"Don't worry, I'll be back, Mrs. Williams." He savored the name and she smiled. She loved the sound of it. She kissed him and he touched her face, as though trying to remember the feel of her, her touch, the tenderness of her lips on his.

"Just come back to me the way you are," she said softly. "I'll be waiting for you, Shep."

"I know you will." He finally had to force himself to let go of her and get out of the car. He stood looking at her for a moment, smiled, and then walked toward his barracks, with a last wave at her.

As she watched him disappear, she felt her whole body shudder, knowing that tomorrow he would be in Afghanistan, and there was nothing she could do to protect him there. All she could do was pray that he'd come back to her sane and whole and alive.

She took the car back to the garage where they'd rented it. He had already paid for it, and she took a cab to the station. She caught the last train back to New York. She was his wife now. She sat huddled in her seat on the train, and stared out the window into the night, as all the images of the past weeks flooded into her mind. She couldn't lose him now, she thought. Life couldn't be that cruel to them.

It was too late to call him when she got home that night. He would be gone in the morning when she woke up. He'd be on his way to Afghanistan. She touched the wedding band on her finger and prayed that their love would keep him safe, and he would come home to her the same man who had left.