Chapter 12

Twelve

A s far as first dates went, Ethan couldn’t fault this one as he leaned back on outstretched arms and looked up at the monstrous India Gate in the centre of New Delhi.

Though in reality, he could’ve been in a dingy alleyway in the back of Timbuktu and the date would’ve been amazing all the same, courtesy of the stunning woman by his side, looking happy and more relaxed than he’d ever seen her.

“What are you thinking?”

She smiled at him from her vantage point, stretched out on the grass on propped elbows. “I’m thinking if I see one more monument or fort or palace, I’ll go cross-eyed.”

He laughed, reaching out to pluck a blade of grass in her hair. “But this arch commemorates the seventy thousand Indian soldiers who died fighting for the British Army in World War One and is inscribed with the names of over thirteen thousand British and Indian soldiers killed in the 1919 Afghan war.”

She shook her head. “There you go again, swallowing another guide book. You know, all those facts will give you indigestion.”

He winked, before ducking his head for a swift kiss that left her blushing. “Just trying to impress you.”

“You’ve done that already.”

Her praise, the easy way she admitted it, warmed his heart.

How far they’d come in a week, since he first gatecrashed her trip.

And after today, it would be over.

Would she revert to withdrawn once they returned to Melbourne? He hoped not. Crazily, her sudden turnaround had him wary. He wanted this, right? Then why the constant nagging deep in his gut this was more than he could handle.

He hadn’t spelled it out to Tam that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He hoped to date for a while, have some fun together, explore the underlying spark simmering between them. But that’s where things ended.

Would Tam want more? He doubted it, considering she’d talked about new beginnings and a fresh start as an independent woman, and believing her only encouraged him to indulge their attraction, guilt free.

For now, he was content to date her, see what happened. If things got too heavy, he knew what he had to do: run.

He’d learned the art of fleeing emotional commitment from the best: his mother. He’d loved her, secure she returned the sentiment, until his childish delusions had been ripped from under him, leaving him a homeless orphan with a mother who’d rather be on her own than stuck with a five year old.

“What’s wrong?”

He blinked, wrenched back to the present by her tentative question, her hand on his arm, and he mentally dusted himself off.

Today wasn’t a day for sour memories.

Today was a day for creating brilliant new ones.

“I’m thinking about where we go from here.”

Not a lie, exactly. He’d been stewing over their future since yesterday, since they’d opened an emotional Pandora’s box at the Taj Mahal.

He wanted this, wanted more than friendship with this incredibly special woman. Then why couldn’t he rid himself of the faintest mantra stuck on rewind in the back of his mind, the one that chanted ‘be careful what you wish for.’

He’d always been ambitious, driven to succeed, craving control to stave off the darkness that crept into his soul at the oddest of times, a darkness filled with depressing memories of physical abuse and living on the streets and starving to the point of desperation.

Being one hundred percent focussed on business had served him well. Until now, when contemplating taking the next step with Tam smashed his legendary control like a soup tureen being flung by a temperamental chef.

He half expected her to baulk at the question, to shirk it. Instead, she fixed him with those mesmerising green eyes, eyes he could happily get lost in forever.

“Honestly? I have no idea where we go from here. I’m in Goa for the next week, you’re doing business.” She plucked at the grass beneath her hands, picking blades and letting them fall. “I guess we wait until we’re back in Melbourne and see what happens.”

For some strange reason her answer filled him with relief when he should be pushing her, ensuring she wouldn’t back off once their journey together ended today.

What the hell was happening to him?

He enjoyed the thrill of the chase as much as the next guy but usually didn’t tire of something once possessed—until the woman in question wanted to possess him.

So why was he feeling uncertain, uneasy, unhinged?

“You’re not happy about that?”

He forced a smile, tension sneaking up the back of his neck and bringing on one of the classic headaches reserved for day-long meetings when starting up a new restaurant. “We’ve come a long way in a week. Maybe I’m expecting us to revert back to acquaintances when we get home?”

A tiny frown puckered her brow as she pushed up to a sitting position. “That’s not like you. You’re the optimistic one, I’m the confirmed pessimist.”

What could he say? That he didn’t trust what they had? That it was too new, too unsteady, too fleeting? That he didn’t trust easily, period?

Reaching out, she draped a hand over his, and squeezed softly. “There’s more. Tell me.”

If he looked for excuses long enough he’d find them and at that moment a veritable smorgasbord flooded his mind, leaving him to choose the juiciest one.

“The press hounded you for weeks after Richard’s death. What do you think they’ll do when they discover we’re dating?”

Her frown intensified as her hand slid off his. “They’ll probably say I’m some kind of trumped up tart that waited until her dearly beloved husband was cold in the ground for a year before moving on from the chef to the billionaire restaurateur where he worked. So what? It’s all crap. Who cares what they say?”

But she was worried. He saw it in the telltale flicker in her eyes, in the pinched mouth. If Tam had tolerated the constant publicity barrage being married to Richard entailed, she cared about appearances, and no matter how much she protested now, he knew the first hint of scandal in the tabloids back home would send her scuttling for cover.

Where would that leave him? Content to sit back and watch from the sidelines? He’d be damned if he settled for that again.

“As long as you’re sure—”

“Of course I’m not sure.” She jumped to her feet, eyes flashing, hands clenched, more irritated than he’d ever seen her. “ You wanted this.”

She stabbed a finger in his direction, all bristling indignation and fiery righteousness, and he’d never seen anything so beautiful. “And now I’m ready to take a chance on us, you start hedging? What’s with that?” She ended on a half sob and he leaped to his feet and reached for her.

“Don’t.” She held up her hands to ward him off and he couldn’t blame her.

He was still a screw up. No matter how far he’d come from that lonely, desperate, filthy, street kid who’d scrounged food scraps to survive, no matter how rich or successful, he was still the same wary guy who wouldn’t let anyone get too close.

But he had to fix this, and fast, before he not only ruined any chance they had of dating but shot down their new friendship too.

“Tam, listen to me. I—”

“Why should I? Give me one good reason why I should listen to you?”

She folded her arms, her stoic expression at odds with her trembling mouth and it took every ounce of self control not to bundle her into his arms.

He held his hands out to her, palm up like he had nothing to hide, and shrugged. “Because I care about you.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Care, right. If you cared, you wouldn’t say you want one thing and act like a jerk when you get it.”

Tears shimmered in her eyes, turning them a luminous green and slugging him harder than his first shot of alcohol as a shivering fourteen-year-old squatting in a Melbourne hovel desperate to stay warm.

Shaking her head, she swiped a hand over her eyes. “I don’t need this. I didn’t ask for it, but at least I had the guts to take a chance, so I’ll be damned if I stand here and let you play me for a fool.”

“I’m not—”

“You are.”

If she’d shouted, ranted, abused him, he might’ve stood a chance at convincing her otherwise, but her soft, empty words, frigid with contempt, reached icy fingers down to his soul, freezing what little hope he had left.

“You’ve got a week to figure out what you want.” She held a finger to his lips when he opened his mouth to respond. “Let’s hope by the time we get back to Melbourne we can still be friends.”

He reached for her hand, briefly capturing her fingertips, before she snatched it away.

“Tam, don’t do this.”

She fixed him with a superior glare at odds with her shaky hands. “Do what? Stand up for myself? Speak my mind?” Her mouth twisted into a wry grimace. “This is my time now. Time I start looking after number one, and that’s me.”

She gathered her hair, piling it into a loose bun on top of her head before letting it tumble around her shoulders again. He loved watching her do it, an absentminded habit she did when stressed.

“I want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into,” he said, increasingly out of his depth but wanting to do whatever he could to salvage this mess he’d made. “As far as I know, I’m the first guy you’ve dated since Rich and that’s got to be a big step for you.”

“But it’s my step to take!”

He’d never seen her so irate and for a moment he wondered if there was more behind her flare up. Was she nervous and covering it with bluster? Or was she as crazy for him as he was for her and had no idea how to control it, something he’d struggled with daily for way too long?

“For the first time in forever, I felt safe yesterday.” She sighed, the dejected slump of her shoulders slugging him. “At first, I thought it was the Taj, the overwhelming sense of calm that flowed through me when I stepped inside. But it wasn’t that.”

She raised her wide-eyed gaze to his, her unguarded expression beseeching him to understand. And he did, all too well. Tam needed a man to make her feel secure, to cherish her, to spoil her, to do all the things Richard had done.

But he couldn’t be that man. He couldn’t relinquish control of anything let alone lose it over a woman, no matter how special. However, now wasn’t the time to get into all that. The way things were heading, it looked like their first date may also be their last.

“It was you, Ethan. You being there with me, sharing it, treating me with respect, made me feel safer than I have in a long time…” She trailed off, shrugged, and took a step backwards. “Maybe it was the monument after all.”

“Tam, I’m not sure—”

She raised her hand, to ward him off? To say goodbye? “I’ll see you in Melbourne.”

While Ethan’s heart urged him to follow her, to tell her the truth, to make her understand, his feet remained rooted to the spot as he watched the woman who’d captured his heart walk away.

.