5. Mortem

“ Y ou’re such a prick,” Krampus says as I put my jacket on.

“I was talking to her, and you ruined it.”

“Oh, no. Don’t put that shit on me, you were fumbling hard.”

“I was not,” I snap back.

“You almost made her cry. You couldn’t clearly say if you wanted to be with her or not.”

“Don’t act like you’re innocent in all of this. You didn’t reach out in the last six months, either.”

Krampus looks ashamed, his hideous dark green shoes pressing against the pink snow.

“You know, working for Santa is a demanding all-year gig.”

“And collecting souls isn’t? You’re just as fucked up as me, Krampus, she probably deserves better.”

Krampus’ brows furrow, and he shakes his head. “That’s a cop-out and you know it. Saying you aren’t good enough gives you a reason to run away. If we want to be good enough, we can be, we just have to put in the work. That’s exactly what she just asked of us.”

“Has all the Christmas spirit fucked with your head? There’s no world where we’re good enough and can give her everything she needs.”

Krampus shrugs. “That’s why there’s two of us. Maybe together we can be enough. I bring the fun, my large dick, and gentleness. You bring…well I’m not sure what you bring to the table, but we can workshop it with the elves.”

I give him a look of disgust. Of course I bring things to the table…I just can’t think of them under this kind of pressure.

“And what about your busy schedule with Santa?”

“I’m retired,” he says with a smile.

“Retired?” I reply, the concept foreign. Except it’s not, is it? Cupiō has an interim Head Cupid while he takes time with his new lovers.

Could I do the same? The thought of letting someone else control my realm makes my throat itch.

“Listen, you can either work alongside me to prove to Candy that we’re good enough, or I’ll do it on my own and you’ll lose her,” he says.

I glance at him. We did kiss all those months ago, but Candy is the priority. I’m sure Krampus and I could roll around in bed, forget everything, and walk away unscathed. But Candy? She needs more, and I wonder if I’m even capable of it.

I’ve been miserable these last few months. What would it feel like to treat myself to some happiness?

“What did you have in mind?” I ask.

The grin that spreads Krampus’ too-pretty face is wicked as he throws an arm around my shoulder. I stiffen from his touch, but relax as his peppermint scent wafts around me.

“She all but spelled it out. She wants a grovel.”

“I’m Head Reaper; I don’t grovel.”

Krampus sighs, removing his arm from my shoulders, and the loss of the simple affection feels…frustrating.

“No grovel, no cupid. So, are you going to be this somber asshole for the rest of your days, not allowing yourself the one thing you truly want? Or are you going to get over yourself, stop being a mopey dark lord, and help me win the cupid of our dreams?”

I inhale sharply and look into Krampus’ dark eyes. His irises are nearly the same color as his pupils and it’s unsettling in an attractive way I’d rather not discuss.

“I’m in. What do we do first?”

Krampus scratches the base of one of his horns, and I roll my eyes.

“You don’t have a plan, do you?” I ask.

“I conceptually know how to grovel, but I’m not sure how to execute it.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Unfortunately, I think I know someone who can help us.”

“Oh?” Krampus says.

“This isn’t going to be pleasant.”

“Mortem, Krampus, I’m so glad you two could join the festivities. What do you think of the place? It’s a winter wonderland made of love, isn’t it? Gosh, I just love the holidays so much. Is there something I can help you with?” Love asks in her annoyingly sweet voice.

Her partner, Death, one of my best reapers, stands behind her, looking very uncomfortable with the fact that I’m talking to his girlfriend. At least this part of the plan is enjoyable.

I do really like making people uncomfortable.

“Yes, thank you for inviting us, Interim Head Cupid,” I say.

“Of course, how could I not? All beings of the veil are welcome to our parties. It’s important to be inclusive, plus the number of love matches to be made at these things just gets me going, you know?”

“Love,” Death whisper hisses her name.

Love just shrugs, completely ignoring her imposing reaper as she looks Krampus and me up and down.

“I imagine you’re here because you need help to get Candy back?” Love says, reading us both like a book.

“We’re not sure where to start,” Krampus admits, and I’m thankful because I’d really rather walk away from this conversation and spend the rest of my days miserable than ask for help.

“Well, you two really hurt her feelings. Plus, with the amount of time that’s lapsed, well…your apology needs to be vast.”

“I did apologize,” Krampus retorts, and Love clicks her tongue.

“That’s cute, but you can’t just say sorry I made you feel something for the first time in centuries and then abandon the poor girl. Maybe if only one of you had done it, it wouldn’t be so bad. But both of you? What were you thinking?”

Krampus and I look away from the tiny, fearsome cupid as she taps her chin in contemplation.

“Words are great, but actions mean more. Show her that you care: grand gestures, gifts, real assurances with cold hard facts to prove your promises. Words aren’t going to get you out of this one. Candy is a special cupid, and she deserves to be wooed, because I tell you what, looking the way she does tonight, she won’t have any problem getting someone else’s attention.” Love adds that little jab at the end. “Also, if you can’t be the men she deserves, I suggest you both leave Cupidale and don’t return. Playing with a woman’s heart is strictly against code 25b in my new policy. Now, I need to go greet our new guests,” she says, putting her chin high in the air and walking away.

Death pinches his lips together, and then he sighs, like he’d rather be anywhere than giving us advice. “When Love was mad at me, I had to make a grand gesture. Candy is used to being in the background. Make her the center of attention,” the reaper says before walking away.

I decide then to make his life a little less miserable.

Slow music starts, and I look over at Krampus, who looks like his brain is working overtime.

“Go, get her some gifts. I’ll work on a gesture,” I tell him and he nods, a small smile taking over his face.

“I know just the place,” he says before he pops out of existence.

I stare at the table where Candy is sitting, and I slowly approach, aware of eyes following my movement as I do.

Gloom, another reaper from my realm, is smiling wide, giving me a thumbs up while a tall female cupid I vaguely remember meeting glares at me. Cupiō, the former Head Cupid, tilts his chin at me in acknowledgement.

“Mortem,” he greets.

“Cupiō.” I glance back at Candy and hold out my hand. “Candy, I was hoping you would join me on the dance floor.”

Candy’s large pink eyes meet mine, and I watch as her throat bobs. She looks over at the tall female cupid, who nods at her.

“Okay,” she says, putting her small hand in mine.

Reapers and cupids alike part the dance floor as I take her to the center of the ridiculously decorated room.

She’s far shorter than me but can hold on to one of my shoulders as her other hand rests against my chest.

The music is a slow holiday melody I don’t recognize.

“Everyone is looking at us,” Candy says under her breath, and I lean down slightly, pressing my face against hers.

“Good. I wouldn’t want anyone getting the idea that you’re available to dance with anyone else.”

I’m not sure if I expect her to hit me over the possessive remark, but she surprises me by resting her cheek on my chest as we sway to the music. I keep my hands respectfully on her hips.

“Don’t be kind and sweet if you’re just going to leave again,” Candy says, looking down at the floor that’s covered in pink snow.

“I’m no good at this, Candy. But I want to be for you.”

She inhales deeply, like those are the words she’s been waiting to hear.

“I want to be someone different for you, but I’m not sure I’m capable.”

Her hand runs along my chest, her nails painted with pink Christmas trees for the occasion.

“All I wanted was for you to stay, Mortem. I don’t want you to change who you are,” Candy says, and I pull back to look down at her.

I push a piece of pink hair away from her face and I try to see myself from her eyes. I’m not sure why she would want someone like me, and maybe it’s selfish to want her to be mine. I haven’t felt this pull ever, and she needs to hear that.

“My assistant blackmailed me into coming tonight because I’ve been sulking all over Purgatory for the last six months. I’ve regretted not reaching out this whole time. I’m going to work on it. Krampus and I, we’re going to prove it to you with actions and words.”

Her pretty pink brows furrow. “Wait, where is Krampus?”

Suddenly, the doors to the front of the banquet hall open and my mouth drops as I take in the sight before me.