Chapter Twenty

Ethan

ETHAN MOPED AROUND their apartment. He went to his classes. He called his parents more often than he should have. He stayed an extra hour and a half after league practice to work on his puck-handling skills. Ethan messaged Justin and got replies when Justin had a single spare minute to respond, but Ethan realized in only two days alone what part of his future might look like when Justin was gone. Justin was in Florida again, visiting another team.

"I am codependent," Ethan said to their empty apartment.

He and his therapist had discussed it many times once he and Justin's relationship had become serious. She'd cautioned him. He'd argued he didn't take advantage of Justin, and Justin didn't take advantage of him. Nor did either one of them confuse love with caretaking or personal sacrifice with some fucked up sense of loyalty. They both took care of each other when the other needed it. They were both making sacrifices for their relationship.

He'd gotten irritated with her during their session. So irritated, he'd requested admission packets to several potential schools in towns where Justin might get drafted. Justin was always encouraging him not to live in a bubble, and he found himself annoyed by everyone who looked down on it. They didn't understand. Ethan wanted a break—a big break. After the incident, he'd been so determined to bounce right back and not let it ruin his life.

Back then, everyone encouraged time off, and Ethan had refused, insisting on returning to school as soon as he was well enough. Now, everyone seemed opposed to him wanting a moment to breathe, to enjoy the happiness he never imagined finding, and to do everything he could to try to move past his trauma. It had taken months for Justin to even kiss him. They were engaged and had only talked about sex once. Ethan was scared, scarred, and while he'd finally been given a medical all-clear, he still couldn't even sleep in the dark. He couldn't have penetrative sex with his partner, whom he loved, and couldn't find a balance between his wants and everyone else's expectations.

Everyone except Justin.

It was all so frustrating. Ethan grabbed the mailbox key and headed downstairs. He got the mail, pulled out three more large envelopes, and headed back upstairs to check out three more potential colleges and compare their journalism programs and requirements. So far, the other four he'd looked at would all accept the credits on his transcript, and he wouldn't lose any hours. Ethan only had one more year after this and realized how stupid it would be to not finish.

"And he wants me to get a master's degree," Ethan muttered over Justin's bright idea.

Tricky man . He knew Ethan too well now and just what to say to have him sitting at the table looking at online programs.

"I want you to get a job you love, not one you feel like you have to have ," Justin had said. "Work part-time, do online school part-time, and get past this burnout, so what if it takes a little longer. Do an internship. I honestly don't care, Ethan. You could stay home and not do shit, and I'd be happy."

Ethan remembered the joke he'd made about being a kept boy. For a moment or two, Justin had gone all "Neanderthal man" on him; they'd gotten naked and, for about fifteen minutes, Justin had shown him just how great that life might have been.

"You are so much more than that," Justin had said afterward. "But it was a fun thought. Plus, eventually, I think you'd get bored." Then, Justin had started laughing.

"What now?"

"If we ever consider role-playing," Justin had thrown out and waggled his eyebrows.

"You're down for the kept-boy scenario." Ethan had laughed too.

Ethan knew Justin was right, but they were facing many changes in their near future. Their only free time, any real time together, would be during Justin's off-seasons, and no job or school lived by the NFL's schedule.

"Thank God he doesn't play hockey." Ethan realized that game schedule would have been impossible. He didn't know how couples pulled it off in the NHL.

Ethan opened the next packet, one of the programs in Florida.

"I am not codependent," he told the empty room and began reading.

If they got Florida and all the stars aligned, Ethan had narrowed it down to two schools he was seriously considering transferring to. One with an in-person program he liked and the other with an online program he could see himself taking to avoid complete school burnout. It was only a flicker now, but he knew it wouldn't take too many more dull research papers before he recited Smoky the Bear's mantra: Only YOU can prevent forest fires .

Ethan's phone beeped, and he read the group message about movie night. Some movie about a megalodon, and Ethan had seen the previews.

"Sharks," Ethan said as he typed back that he'd join them. "Just what I need to be watching before I possibly move to the coast."

Ethan's phone screen lit up on his thigh in the dark theatre with a message from Justin saying he was boarding his flight. Ethan messaged back for him to have a safe flight, and he'd see him soon.

"Who's that?" Lilly whispered.

"Someone I'm seeing," Ethan whispered back.

He wasn't about to tell Lilly all his business; she was far too chatty, and while Ethan liked her, she wasn't someone Ethan viewed as entirely trustworthy.

"Oh. Well, crap," Lilly said. "I was going to see if I could fix you up with another friend of mine."

"Who?"

"Derek. He's cute, yeah?"

Ethan bit back his comment. Lilly tried . She really did. Never in a million years would Ethan even hang out with Derek Milner.

"Please tell me you didn't already say something to him," Ethan whisper-hissed.

"Of course I did. You need to get back out there." Lilly directed her attention to the screen and stuffed her mouth full of popcorn.

And Ethan watched as the megalodon on the screen devoured a baby whale in one bite. He envisioned Justin as the shark and Derek Milner as the baby whale. That was about right, how it would go down, and Ethan lost it. He was the only one in the theater, laughing his ass off over the horrific scene.

When Justin got home, Ethan had made the mistake of telling him about his night with Lilly and Fran, how they'd just so happened to run into Derek Milner as they stopped by an ice cream shop where he worked after leaving the theater, and how awkward it had been.

"I had no idea he worked there, or I never would have agreed to get ice cream," Ethan said, chewing on a nail as Justin lost his shit.

"Show me a picture of him," Justin demanded.

"I never knew you were a jealous person," Ethan said as he retrieved his phone from the coffee table.

"Very," Justin said, and that fact didn't seem to bother him one bit.

"I'm afraid you're getting upset over nothing." Ethan searched his social media. "Lilly meant well. She never would have done that if she knew about you. I didn't tell her I was seeing someone until tonight."

Ethan chuckled and held out his phone. "Just scroll."

Justin snatched the phone and seemed to vibrate with anger as he glared at Ethan and then at the screen. Ethan settled back on the couch and silently counted down three, two, one .

"Oh."

"‘Oh,' he says." Ethan crossed his leg and bounced his foot as Justin continued to scroll through Derek Milner's social media selfies.

Justin cleared his throat and scratched at his neck.

"That one in the striped ice cream uniform," Ethan said. "No, wait, the one in the neon booty shorts at the club. That's the one you gotta worry about." Ethan hummed and waited.

"I'm a dick."

"You are."

"You still love me though."

"I do," Ethan sighed.

"I apologize." Justin hung his head and sat beside Ethan on the couch. He handed back the phone.

"I forgive you," Ethan said and patted his leg. "But you don't ever have to be jealous again, all right?"

Justin shuddered. "Not over that guy, anyhow."

" Any other guy."