Chapter Fifteen

Justin

JUSTIN WAITED UNTIL Ethan was inside and the door was closed. He scooted up to the step next to John, where Ethan had been.

"Could you drive me to the airport tomorrow?" Justin asked, then took a long drink and added, "Without Ethan."

"I can."

John asked nothing about Justin's reasoning as they sat together and drank their beers. Later, after dinner, Ethan and Justin headed to their room. Once in bed, Justin ran his fingers lightly on Ethan's arm, then slid his arm over Ethan's chest and tugged him back against his chest. He felt Ethan's entire body relax against him, something that had recently started happening, and Justin loved that moment every time it happened.

"You know you're safe with me, don't you?"

"I do know that."

Justin whispered against Ethan's neck, "I would burn down the world if anyone ever tried to hurt you again."

"I know that too."

"What else do you know?"

"That you're a badass who loves me."

Justin smiled against the back of Ethan's neck. "Damn straight."

*

THE LAST DAY of practice, Justin signed footballs and jerseys for the kids on the team as they all took pictures. Coach had gone easy on them for this session and even ordered pizza after. Ethan took pictures, too, and then it was done. Justin's time helping out with the team had concluded, and it was time to return to campus to start training after a quick stop with his parents. Ethan would spend the remainder of his summer break at home, and it would be a challenging month for them.

"You focus on not getting injured," Ethan said, "and as soon as they open the dorms, I'll be back."

Justin kissed him in the room they'd shared, and as Justin had asked of him, John drove him to the airport after his goodbyes with Bethany and Ethan.

In the SUV, John looked at Justin. "Go on. Let's do this."

Justin shook his head. "Drive for a minute, and let me get my nerve up."

John nodded and backed out of the driveway.

"I love him," Justin said, and John nodded again as if it was something he already knew. "I want your blessing; I want to ask for your blessing." Justin's heart was pounding so hard. "I'm going to ask him to spend the rest of his life with me someday. I don't know when that will be—before the draft, after the draft, or after I leave the field. But it's going to happen one day, and I want to ask now so I don't have to lie and fly back here. Because I'd never get away with it, not with him." Justin had said it all so fast, then exhaled hard.

"You have my blessing. I couldn't be happier," John said. "You know, I had a feeling this was why you asked for this ride alone."

"I suck at hiding my feelings."

"When it comes to my son, yeah, you really do," John said jovially, but he sobered. "You've impressed us with your patience and commitment to his recovery. Thank you."

"We're figuring things out. The counseling sessions together help, and then his private sessions after those seem to have the most impact. The books helped. We're doing good, but this has been a summer away from campus. I'm no fool; I know what he's like there."

"We've tried to get him to change schools, but—" John's knuckles turned white as he gripped the wheel tighter. "—our therapist has discouraged that now."

Justin agreed. "He mentioned a transfer depending on where I end up."

"Really?" John was pleased by the news. "I'm selfish. I want him away from that school. It's not the school itself; it's walking past that building. It's everyone knowing what happened to him. He needs a fresh start."

"I get it," Justin said.

"Does he ever talk about it with you?"

"No, and I don't ask. I know enough."

John was quiet as he drove.

"You'll talk to Bethany for me?" Justin asked. "I couldn't figure out how to get you both away from Ethan without him catching on."

"She can't keep a secret anyway, so a phone call or text before he calls her with any big news would be great."

"Thank you for your blessing. My dad is looking into some options for me with the draft, with other avenues for after I leave the game."

"Ethan talked to us about the agent idea and your desire to not ask him to hide, but honestly, Justin, I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like a horrible father. I feel better with him tucked away and safe, not out and proud."

"I know; I remember where he'd been before it happened, that student group pride meeting. I won't ask him to hide, but he's offered to lay low for two years until I can make a name for myself and make the connections to be an agent. That's the plan, anyway. Time enough for him to transfer and finish school. Maybe I can convince him to get a graduate degree or Ph.D."

"I have no doubt you two will figure it out. You'll find a way. And if the shit hits the fan…" John shrugged. "You both have good support systems."

Justin agreed.

"Got a ring yet?" John teased.

"I'm getting one before he gets back. It's kinda hard to swing that when we're always together. Think long engagement."

"Wise, and give him the time to process that step. Time to keep working through things and more time to recover. He's happy, and I never thought I'd see that again. Some happiness from him."

"I'm happy too. Did you ever read the essay he wrote freshman year?"

"What essay?"

"You should probably find a parking spot for a few minutes."

Twenty minutes later, Justin stood on the arrivals curb and waved as John waved back, red-faced, teary-eyed, still, and utterly overwhelmed by what his son had written. Justin had known the part about his father's love for his mother and his unflinching love for his gay son would hit hard. He didn't feel guilty for letting him read it, allowing him the more personal parts about how Ethan wanted to be loved like that.

Nope , not guilty at all.

And Justin was proud of himself for making the promise to John that he would love Ethan just like that. He would be the man Ethan had described in the essay.

*

JUSTIN SAT AT his parents' dinner table, ready to nail down the plan for the year, and reviewing all the books and articles, laws, and things his father had been researching, along with a recommendation from the attorney and advice from an old college buddy who knew an agent.

"I think you do Pro Day, get graded, and then talk to your coach about the Combine. But honestly, the best choice is ultimately making a good impression and then going free agent. With less media attention, you can also discuss contract options with one team, not twenty."

"And if they invite me?" Justin asked.

"You tell them to talk to you after the draft. You lose your eligibility to play ball if none of this works out, but you still can consider the free agency route. Or you think about college coaching at a liberal school. I think the draft, the publicity, the media, the questions in the interviews… Not a good idea. From what I've learned, they get pretty personal."

Justin nodded, knowing that. "I'll talk to my coach and Ethan's dad and see what they think. But we're basically saying ‘fly in under the radar' with an entry-level contract in the beginning, practice hard, play well, earn the contract I want, and try to sneak past the media for as long as possible."

"It's not ideal, but this is the bottom line here, the worst-case scenario. You could declare, go through it all, and not get drafted. More and more players are declaring early; they can only take so many."

Justin knew that too. "I don't mention free agency until later in the game."

"They've got to know what you can do, and no doubt, they already do. You have three high school state championships and a bowl game win. I think this year, you play hard and do no interviews, no college articles, or statements post-game. You start avoiding the media now, so it's not a big change when you go pro. You become the guy who doesn't ever talk to the media."

Justin nodded slowly, seeing his father's point.

"You can do it without being a dick, Justin," his father added humorously.

"No, I know. I was just thinking about talking to Coach about it beforehand, letting him know I don't want to do interviews or talk to them. He's the type it would be better to tell first than explain after he's yelled at me for ten minutes."

"Agreed," his dad said. "And look, this is just what I've come up with, from what I've read and from a friend who talked to an agent for me. The contract lawyer isn't much good without an actual contract, but he still gave me some good advice. Talk to your coach in a way where you are just asking questions. Be undecided and play your best year. Keep your head down with Ethan."

Justin groaned but knew his father was right.

"I know," his dad said, "but for this to have a remote possibility of working, this is the gameplan. Or, you forget the NFL, and you graduate, focus on being an agent. You have your degree and a solid plan." He sighed. "You two have a lot to think about."

*

JUSTIN SAT IN his head coach's office, dreading the conversation they were about to have. He'd always gotten along well with Coach, asked very little, was a solid team player, and had never been "called in." He'd never been on probation or been caught violating curfew. He'd only been barked at over a penalty on the sideline a time or two.

"I hear you wanted to see me."

Justin stood and shook Coach's hand. "Yes, thanks for taking the time to talk to me."

"Shoot," Coach said.

"I wanted to ask for a favor, sort of." Justin confessed. He paused at the look on Coach's face but went on. "I don't want to give interviews or talk to the media this year. And I know you'll want to know why, but that's the favor part." Justin shook his head. "I just don't want to, and I'd rather bring it up now than have you be pissed at me later if I refuse. Respectfully, sir."

"And the draft?" Coach leaned back in his chair, looking suspicious.

"Undecided, but I want to do Pro Day, get graded, and see where I am. I hoped to ask you about free agency later, but…" Justin shrugged. "Might as well give you a heads-up on that now. I don't know if I'm willing to go in the draft, but free agency is looking more appealing to me. And a way to avoid the media."

"So, the ultimate goal here is to avoid the media." Coach tapped his pen on the arm of his chair. "And when they ask me the hard questions because you won't answer them?"

"Say ‘He doesn't like talking to the media. He just wants to play ball.'"

"Leave the boy alone and let him play ball," Coach mused and chuckled. Then, he let out a long sigh.

"I know, sir," Justin agreed with a matching heavy sigh of his own.

"We'll see; let me think on it, Justin. I can see how we'd get away with it until we end up in a bowl game again, and you're my top-scoring player."

"I need to play hard, make an impression, and lay low this year," Justin said.

"And they'll smell that like blood in the water." He gave Justin a knowing look. "For now, I'm going to agree while I think of an alternative solution."

"Thank you, Coach," Justin said and stood.

"Stop by the front office and cancel your only will-call ticket holder on your way out. Pay cash and buy the tickets at the front office."

"Yes, sir," Justin said, and Coach waved him on.

Justin's face was on fire as he left Coach and headed for the front office to do exactly what he'd advised. His coach totally knew, and Justin nearly lost it. Of course, he knew. That man knew everything about his players.

"Fuck," Justin muttered over the obvious digital trail he'd left. He took a deep breath as he prepared to do some sweet talking with the office moms, the lovely ladies who worked there.

*

ETHAN AGREED ABOUT the tickets, and they both felt like idiots over the record that someone determined enough could dig around and find.

"Not if I don't give out any will calls for the season. And I already paid cash and bought the season tickets for you. It is a different seat though. You'll be on the thirty, not the fifty."

"You're right; he totally knows," Ethan sputtered but then apologized. "God, now I'm super paranoid about every time you've signed in at my dorm."

"Stop," Justin groaned, commiserating over the ridiculousness of it all.

"Well, at least Coach agreed to the media thing. I bet he'll come up with something. I mean, you're like the goodie-two-shoes on the team." Ethan smirked as Justin frowned at him. "A coach's dream and worst nightmare all rolled up in one." He sighed. "So, how was first practice after that?"

"Good, I was not one of the ones puking. All the coaches knew I'd kept it up over the summer break, so I also have that going. None of them are currently pissed off at me ."

*

THE FIRST COLLEGE journalism student was an easy blow off. Justin just gave her a wave and said he had somewhere to be. The local sports reporter who came to interview Coach and do a story on the team had the assistant coach sending him home early without explanation.

"Go home, Halstead; Coach said to get the hell out of here," he'd said with a shrug. "I'm just the messenger."

And Justin beat feet, grabbing his shit and not bothering to shower until he got home.

And so it went, with Ethan back in the dorm, and Justin scribbling a name illegibly and 1234-ing his student ID number in an even more illegible scratch. One of Ethan's ideas. Justin was back to sleeping over on the weekends, in his dorm during the week, busy with practice, and playing hard.

They'd had no fall classes together since Justin changed his major to business and was taking a slew of those classes. They ordered in, or Ethan went and got meals and brought them back. Sometimes, Justin ate with his teammates and brought Ethan food back, but they were making it work.

Justin studied and kept his head down, hat low as usual. The first game came and went with a win and Ethan in a cash seat nowhere near the players' families and loved ones. Justin avoided the after-game interview when Coach sent him to the locker room just before the fourth quarter ended and after scoring two touchdowns for their lead and the ultimate win with their defense killing it and keeping the lead.

Justin jogged down the tunnel. In the locker room, he stripped out of his sweaty uniform, threw on his sweats, then made a beeline for a maintenance exit where he now parked his truck. Another of Coach's ideas. And despite parking next to the stadium's dumpsters, it had been a good one. Zero media braved the backside of the stadium.

The reporters would go for their on-field interviews and post-game outside the locker rooms. It had worked this time, but Justin feared it wouldn't work all season. People would begin to notice him getting pulled, especially if they were down to the wire and down points.

Justin showered at his dorm and then drove to Ethan's rather than his usual walk over. He parked his truck behind the dorm, closer to the adjoining dorm that shared the same lot. He used his key to enter and found Ethan, grinning, sitting naked in his desk chair.