Chapter Ten

Ethan

ETHAN HELD JUSTIN'S hug a moment longer, smiled as he stepped back, and watched as Justin left. It was one of those dreaded weeknights when Justin would stay until the last minute, then sprint back to his dorm before his curfew. Ethan's room always felt so empty when Justin couldn't stay over. Ethan looked at his room, the bed where Justin usually slept, and imagined pushing the two beds together, making one large one.

Instant panic came over him, and he fought it off, wondering whether he could handle sleeping next to Justin or what moving the beds together might lead to.

He wasn't ready.

He felt pathetic for a moment, so weak to let this shit keep him from moving forward with his life. Images flashed through his mind, and he lay down on the cold tile floor as he battled his monsters. Just as he was going to let himself break down, the familiar crowd cheered, and Ethan sat up, rubbed his face, and went for his phone.

Justin: Yes.

Ethan already knew that answer in his bones, throughout his soul. It still felt good to see it. The confirmation that Justin was in this, no matter what careful and cautious path they were on.

Ethan: See you after practice.

And they started the spring semester at a snail's pace, still hanging out as friends when out and about on campus, often eating in the dining hall with Justin and his close teammates or doing various things together. Not much had changed behind the closed door of Ethan's room either. They seemed more relaxed and comfortable around each other.

Justin often held Ethan's hand. Ethan played with Justin's hair when they watched a movie on the couch together. They'd gotten uncomfortable and switched around a few times, safely spooning, but things were cautious on the naked front. They hadn't moved past a hands-only approach, and only one other time had they repeated the shower scene.

Justin didn't pressure him or bring it up; Ethan was grateful for that. Every time, he began to doubt how much longer Justin would stick around like this, in a not-going-anywhere relationship of sorts, Ethan's doubts would vanish with one smile as Justin walked through his door—like he was the best thing Justin had seen all day. Or when they'd do dumb normal shit together, like make a shopping run because they both needed laundry detergent or some other necessity—it was just a deep friendship that continued to grow.

With Justin's football season over and Ethan's cross country wrapping up, Justin had come to several of Ethan's meets that weren't too far away. And he blended in at beer league when he could make it. The crowd only half-filled the local rink seats. For the longer track meets or away league games, Justin had used the time to travel home and see his parents. An invite Ethan hadn't gotten yet, but he'd been dragged to dinner when Justin's parents had come to an awards banquet for Justin. They were friendly and seemed like kind people who loved their son, and they'd been welcoming to Ethan as their son's "best friend."

It also seemed that being best friends with a football player meant people suddenly lost interest in your personal drama, and more than once, Ethan handed over some scrap of paper with a name and girl's number to Justin. And Ethan might have taken a ridiculous bit of pride every time Justin wadded them up and threw them in the trash without looking at who they were from or asking anything about them. When Ethan would get insecure, Justin let him vent. He'd say nothing and then just wave a finger between them as if that said it all.

Ethan was home for a weekend with his parents, guiltily bringing his laundry at his mother's command. Justin was doing something with the team—some spring float trip guests weren't invited to.

"I expected much more than this," his mother accused as she looked at Ethan's single basket.

"We've been doing our laundry like adult children should?"

His dad laughed.

"These don't even look dirty, Ethan," she reprimanded and picked up his basket.

He never could get much past her, and he shrugged at his dad, who was still grinning at him.

"The things we do," his dad whispered, winking after his wife.

They were on the back patio, watching the robotic pool cleaner make its Tetris-like journey as it worked over the stairs. They sat with beers in hand and the steady squeak of his dad's chair rocking.

"Justin had his big float trip this weekend," his dad said and left it hanging in the air between them.

"Yeah, the team only. He and I, uh…" Ethan took a drink and searched for the right words. "We're close, you know that. Maybe trying to figure some things out about our friendship. He doesn't seem to be going anywhere."

"And your feelings about him?"

"I'm so screwed, Dad."

John chuckled but drank his beer.

"I mean, I'm not trying to plan out my life here. This is college, how it was supposed to be, trying new things, meeting people. I just…" Ethan blew out a breath. "He doesn't want to ask me to hide this thing. But I'm okay with keeping it quiet, private. It's weird, right? Like I should be the one with the issues, but it's him. He's got this mindset that he's doing something wrong or making me do something wrong when I don't even want what he thinks I want."

"And you've discussed it?"

"A hundred times. He listens to me and then does this thing." Ethan imitated Justin's always answer to relationship talk, the finger motion between them.

"And that means?"

" You and me, Ethan ," he said, mocking Justin's voice. "That's it. Like that's enough."

His father hummed. "Isn't it?"

"Isn't it what?

"Enough?"

Ethan looked at his father and slowly nodded.

"Then be happy, Ethan. It's okay to let yourself be happy again."

"You think he really means it?"

"I don't take Justin for a guy who wastes his time."

Ethan laughed. "No, no one could ever accuse him of that."

"Then don't make up different rules for yourself because you're afraid."

Hearing it hurt. It was amazing how well his dad could pinpoint what Ethan couldn't identify for himself.

"I am. That's exactly what it is, Dad."

"It's okay to be scared. It's also okay to believe another person who you've built some trust in."

"I have. Too scared to be happy." Ethan repeated what his dad had ultimately said. "That's pathetic."

"No, it's safe. And there's nothing wrong with that."

They were quiet for a while until the pool bot got hung up in the one spot it always struggled with, and they both laughed as Ethan got up to give it a nudge. When he came back, his dad was still smiling.

"What?"

"It's just nice to see you happy."

"Happy enough to know when to call stop on the question session."

His dad tilted his bottle and clanked it with Ethan's. "Fair enough."

*

"HOW DID I let you talk me into this?" Ethan groaned, and Justin looked back at him as he dragged his feet along the intermediate hiking trail. "This is not cross country. This is hell and rocks."

"Hell's not so bad." Justin shook his head at how miserable Ethan was playing at being.

"Who goes on an eight-mile hike for fun?" Ethan muttered but picked up his pace to walk next to Justin.

Their break trip together was unusual, unlike most college students who preferred to hit the beach and party it up during spring break. They were camping in the national forest, visiting a famous cave on a guided tour, hiking this trail, and then spending their last two days at a river cabin rental and doing some trout fishing.

"You said you wanted the pictures," Justin said as he reached for a rock above and checked his footing before hoisting himself higher. " Wouldn't it be cool if one day we had an entire wall of framed photos of all the adventures we went on together? " Justin repeated Ethan's words for the hundredth time as he stood and turned, waiting for Ethan to follow him up the few boulders on the elevated path.

"Correction to the original plan," Ethan said, brushing his hands off on his pants. "I want the reward of the picture, the work getting there, not so much."

Justin fished out the camera and skinny tripod while Ethan sat and drank some water and continued to pretend-bitch about hiking. He'd been just as much in on the planning of this trip as Justin.

"Vacations are supposed to be lazy," Ethan stated.

"You're going to get lazy in the tent when we get back." Justin grinned as he set the timer, motioning Ethan to get up and get in the picture. "Smile, try and look like you like me."

Ethan turned to Justin and did as ordered. "You only do this kind of shit for the one person you like." And then he turned his face back to the camera in time for the next click.

"It might be my favorite picture yet. I can't believe that background, that view. And your hair isn't even sweaty."

Ethan sighed and leaned in. "Fine, it's a good picture."

"Better than that thing where you made me stick my head in the hole," Justin reminded him.

Ethan remembered the tourist trap they'd stopped at and the classic farmer with his pitchfork and wife photo op with head holes cut out for tourists to snap pictures there. Like hundreds of others before them, they'd done it and then hit the little shop buying T-shirts, key chains, and another sticker for Ethan to put on Justin's truck. Currently, he was not only saving the North American wolf and the Florida manatees, but it seemed he'd be saving the entire national forest as well.

Ethan held up a sticker with evergreen trees on it with expectant hope in his eyes.

"Whatever." Justin waved a hand and examined some bracelets on a rack. He pulled two off, inspected the intricate leather braiding, and tossed them in Ethan's basket with their other garb. "My truck will end up looking like a Subaru before you're done with it. Do you know how much shit I get from the guys over the manatee one?"

"Oh, he's cute," Ethan said.

"Cliff said it looks like an old gray nut sack," Justin shared.

Ethan burst out laughing, thought about it, then couldn't contain it. Justin smiled and followed him down the next aisle of roadside bullshit. They ate at a diner, cheating with greasy burgers and ice-cold shakes before hitting the road again and leaving the last of civilization behind.

The tent setup was not only entertaining but theatrical. There never seemed to be a dull moment with Justin. They were finally settled in on their large air mattress and looking at the stars through the mosquito screen at the top of the tent.

"Free," Ethan said in a breath.

"It's nice." Justin very carefully rolled to his side, reached over slowly, and took Ethan's hand.

"I know, no sudden moves, or we'll go flying off this thing again." Ethan's voice grew shaky as he continued. "We put too much air in it, I think. Maybe we should let some out so it's not so…"

"It's just holding hands. We've done this a hundred times before, Ethan."

Ethan blew out a long breath and ceased his nervous ramble. He turned his head to the side, his hand already clammy but still holding Justin's. "How did I get so lucky?"

"Oh, that's my line. But slow is good for both of us, and I'm happy with this, happy with you."

"My therapist said it takes some victims years to get to a point where they can have a healthy relationship," Ethan whispered.

"Then it takes years," Justin said simply. "I'm not going anywhere."

*

ETHAN FINISHED PUTTING the photo in the frame. It was of himself and Justin holding their trout, taken by their guide. The frame had the lodge's name engraved on it, and yet another touristy frame now sat on Ethan's new bookshelf. Justin had shown up with the large box, assembled it, then stretched out on the couch and fallen asleep half watching a baseball game.

Ethan quietly moved the overcrowded photo frames from his desk and arranged them on the shelves with his books, along with a football from Justin's bowl game that now lived in Ethan's dorm room.

Ethan remembered fondly how Justin had walked in, tossed him the ball, and said, "That's for you."

Like it was nothing. Just the winning touchdown ball.

Ethan stuck the pencil tip eraser in front of the ball to keep it from rolling off the shelf. Justin's genius solution. Ethan finished and stepped back, taking in the new shelf and its contents.

My God, they were a couple . With all their pictures and adventures together, it couldn't be denied as Ethan studied how close they'd stood to each other, shoulders bumping, seemingly connected at the hip. In one, Justin had an arm slung over Ethan's shoulders, and in another, Ethan had wrapped his hand around Justin's back, and the timer had gone off with a smiling Justin looking directly at Ethan.

Ethan couldn't deny what they were to each other any longer, and he turned to tell Justin his epiphany only to shake his head at his… boyfriend asleep on the couch, mouth agape and sprawled out as some team manager argued with an umpire in the background.

"Okay, Justin Halstead," Ethan whispered. "It's yours; just don't break it."