17. Jaiyana

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

JAIYANA

I sat cross-legged on the bed in our hotel room with my hands on my knees. The mattress leaned slightly toward Rehan at my front while Og’s body heat sank into my shoulder on my right. The limited daylight from the window had been replaced with darkness, leaving us with budget lighting and mono colors.

It’s like that meme, the one where if you are going to cry, you might as well be crying in a Porsche, only this is a Toyota.

And I’m not crying.

Yet.

“Jay, stop talking to yourself and look at me,” Rehan said.

I pulled myself back to the present, my hands shaking, and I clasped them together in my lap, but I couldn’t look at Rehan or Ogden.

My mates were mad, and it had nothing to do with sex or demons or my missing memories. They wanted something from me that I couldn’t give them.

Instead of dealing with my emotions, I’d told them about my life. Lists of my past lovers spilled out of me, along with professions I’d picked up and discarded as the centuries ticked by. I described to them my favorite house, the tiny two-bedroom tower I’d built in the Swiss Alps. I was an open book. But facts were not what they wanted.

“Jay, I could listen to the stories about your life for hours,” Og said. “And someday, I want to do exactly that. I want to lie my head on your lap and close my eyes and see your adventures as you tell them.”

My heart squeezed at the sincerity in his voice. I believed him. I really did.

“But we’re not asking for stories.” Og cupped my cheek, forcing me to meet his eyes. “We’re asking about you and your thoughts. I want to know how you honestly feel.”

I bit my lower lip, and my heart squeezed. I didn’t want to know how I honestly felt. I knew how this ended. I introduced my lovers to their wives. I helped them build careers that propelled them to whatever future they could imagine as long as I wasn’t in it. Then, I started over. But even that wasn’t new and exciting anymore. Feeling didn’t help anything. It was probably how I ended up in a shitty apartment in Graeagle, desperately trying to find meaning in repetition.

Unless something happened that you can’t remember, and that’s what set off your depression. Who were you dating before Graeagle? Can you think of a name or a face? Where did you live before you moved? What do you remember?

I squeezed my eyes shut. I remembered driving the moving van, but even packing my stuff into it was hazy. Not a single detail came to mind.

Og brushed my arm. “What is going through your brilliant mind?”

I rolled my eyes but answered his question. “I don’t remember the beginning of my move to Graeagle.”

“What?” Og asked, clearly not expecting a topic change.

“I don’t remember the beginning of my move to Graeagle,” I repeated. “My ex said, ‘fix our mistake,’ but I don’t remember a mistake. I don’t even remember my ex.” I met Rehan’s flat gaze. “I’m missing memories and cursed. I’ve shared my thoughts, and my emotions aren’t relevant because the situation has made them unreliable.”

My words hung heavy in the air.

“Your emotions are always relevant,” Rehan squeezed my hand. “For dragons, I have a large, very close family. Believe me; emotions are not just relevant, but key.”

I found myself wanting to nod along with Rehan’s logic.

Because he’s right.

“Are my emotions relevant?” Og asked, ducking his head.

I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. “Of course they are.”

“Then, do you understand how hypocritical what you're saying is?” Og squeezed my hand and leaned toward me.

I jerked back. “Hypocritical?” I snatched my hand back and crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m telling you how I feel about the situation, and your response is to call me a fucking hypocrite?”

Rehan let out a low, frustrated grunt.

Og paled. “I’m not calling you a hypocrite, but you just said your feelings aren’t valid. But now you’re claiming your feelings about your feelings not being valid need to be respected. Jay, that’s the definition of hypocrisy.”

I gripped my knees, and my knuckles turned white. “So glad we cleared our definitions up, Og. Let’s dig into what constitutes a feeling next.”

“Do you think that would help?” Og asked.

I pulled my hair and groaned.

“No.” Rehan and I both snapped at the same time.

Og winced.

“Look, We’re not in the same situation.” I stopped pulling on my hair and forced calm into my voice.

“We’re not in the same situation?” Rehan asked, encouraging me to continue.

Og bit his lips shut and leaned toward me, showing he was listening.

“We’re not.” I focused on Rehan, my rock. He had to understand. “Life moves so fast. But I don’t.” I punched the air. “At the end of every story, no matter how much fun or how much love I experienced, I’m alone again.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever admitted that out loud, and my chest tightened. Tears threatened to spring to life, obliterating my anger.

Rehan’s big dark blue eyes wavered before he nodded. “We’re not. I hadn’t looked at it like that before. You must be lonely, love.”

The tightness in my chest twisted, and a tear escaped. I was lonely. Every time I stopped moving, I felt it. I dove for Rehan’s hoodie-covered chest and buried my face in it before either dragon saw my self-pity.

Rehan wrapped me in his arms, and Og placed his hand on my lower back. It was too much: too much support, too much emotion, too much vulnerability. I was stronger than this.

But you don’t have to be.

Shut up.

I pushed off Rehan and put a hand on each of their chests as if holding them physically away from me would keep me from feeling. “I can’t remember parts of my life.” I shook as the fear I held in check broke free. “I have no magic. I’m probably mortal. And I apparently had a hand in creating the largest demon infestation I’ve seen in my thousand years alive.” I swallowed hard, using facts to control my emotions. “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know how I feel about it, and I refuse, point blank, to force anything onto any of you beyond what has already happened. It’s that simple.”

You’re terrified, Jay. For the first time in hundreds of years, it’s left you feeling vulnerable in a way you don’t know how to admit.

Instead of saying any of that, I looked flatly at Og. “If that makes me a hypocrite, then so be it.”

Og’s entire posture fell. “I’m sorry, I didn’t say that well. And we’re not back in my cave, so I can’t offer to bury myself this time.”

I narrowed my eyes and considered smothering him with blankets to end this fucking conversation.

Before I could, Rehan cupped my cheek. “We’re here for you, love. You’re not alone.” Another unwanted tear slid down my cheek. “Whatever you need. Talk to us. You brought the four of us together-”

I scrubbed away the tear and bitterly cut him off. “The curse…“

Rehan put his hand over my mouth. “Might have been the catalyst, but it’s not why the four of us are here. You have to know that.” He moved his hand from my mouth and to my heart. “You have to feel it here.”

I do. That’s the problem.

“Out loud,” Rehan stated.

“You are so fucking good at that.” I poked his leg. “What’s my tell?”

“Out loud,” Og and Rehan growled together. Og’s chest rumbled against my back.

I gritted my teeth, suddenly tired of crying. My inner bitch rose to re-armor my heart. I was the fucking queen of topic changes. I was Jaiyana, a goddamn powerful enchantress with a hundred times more life experience than these two combined.

Does any of that matter if you’re not happy?

A polite knock sounded at our door, derailing my thoughts and our conversation. I tried to stand, but Rehan put his hands on my legs, holding me in place.

“It’s open,” Og called, his arms still around me.

The young woman who got us checked in stepped into the room. She eyed the three of us, fully clothed, sitting very close together on the single bed before ducking her head. “My apologies, I didn’t realize you were, ah…” she trailed off. “I would’a found you more appropriate accommodation.”

Either my donation to the alliance came through, or she thought she was interrupting something way more fun.

I shrugged. “You did your job, and I got what I needed. No apologies necessary. Why are you knocking on my door?”

The girl ducked. “Well, there’s been a wee situation.”

I nodded for her to go on. “Um,” she peeked past me. “You’re missing two of your party?”

I sighed. “What did they do?”

She smiled awkwardly. “I don’t know, but the Garda arrested about thirty folks, including your guys. They're waiting to get booked. My contact suggested ye get down there before that happens.”

“We’ve been in Ireland for less than a day!” Ogden exclaimed. “Both of them have been arrested?”

“That is what I was told,” the girl confirmed.

I snorted. “Thanks, we’ll go get them now.”

While she gave me directions, my remaining mates found their shoes, Og dropping mine by my feet.

“We will finish this conversation,” Og whispered in my ear.

I begrudgingly grunted. A single tremor made it hard to tie my shoes before I banished it.

They’ll protect you, Jay. At some point, you have to stop and actually feel something.

Fortunately, today is not that day.

With my head held high, I joined the throng of nightlife to rescue two of my princesses this time.