Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

“ T hose who say that we’re in a time where there are no heroes, they just don’t know where to look.”

—Ronald Reagan

Bella

I’d never really thought about heroes since I’d had none in my life. But I’d witnessed one on a horrible night when I’d almost lost the one good thing I’d ever really done since I was born. Maybe my friends would tell me otherwise, but creating a little lifeform like Cally had provided me not only with the unconditional kind of love that I’d never known existed, but also the strength to push forward with every decision and tough endeavor. The thought of losing her had almost wrapped a level of despair around me that I would never be able to abate.

Jagger was an unexpected hero, although if you really looked inside my psyche, my inner voice would tell me that I’d known what he was capable of. Even if he hadn’t. Or maybe the better term to use was that he’d refused to be considered heroic under any circumstances. Why? I had my thoughts, but they were muddled like all my emotions.

A strong, resilient arm snaked down mine, a large and impressive hand shaking a glass of wine gently as a sinful offer. I lifted my head, resting it against the back of the couch and smiled.

“You read my mind,” I told him. I accepted the glass, finally able to take a deep breath. I’d checked out Cally from top to bottom, much to her enthused debate. All she’d wanted to do was to hold the puppy.

Who had her muzzle and paws on my feet at the moment. With Cally’s head in my lap, I was trapped, grateful for the drink. I didn’t care what time it was. Time had no meaning at this point after what I’d almost lost.

Jagger moved toward the chair, plopping down and immediately staring at the fire.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him, words of gratitude that would never be enough, but he had to be the first to speak. It was an innate knowing.

“How’s Cally?” He asked the question without looking at me. It was as if he was embarrassed about managing to save both our lives. Again.

“Bruised and banged up, but the dog saved her from hypothermia. As I told you before. She’s a fighter.”

“That’s good. And as I told you, she’s just like her mom.” His smile was slight, but so genuine.

“What are you going to do with the pup?”

He snorted and took a long sip of his drink. Whiskey I was sure. “That’s up to you. The pup is the real hero here. I don’t think she has a home.”

“Are you suggesting I keep her?”

“Maybe. But that’s up to you.”

The moment the dog moved toward Jagger, licking his face, he softened. The guy had a soft spot for animals. That was a real win in my mind. The only decent foster mother I’d had over the years had told me that I could never care for a man a dog didn’t like. A dead giveaway. Maybe that had been my problem with Joel. I hadn’t dog-proofed him.

Jagger sat rubbing the dog’s head as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “You’re really good with animals.”

“They’re very special creatures,” he said with such reverence in his tone. Using a single finger, he rubbed the soft fur above the pup’s nose.

“Where did that come from? A pet when you were a kid?”

His laugh was followed by a smile from a nice memory. “I mostly grew up on a ranch in Montana. I had lots of pets including horses and cows, chickens and roosters. My brothers and I had a dog when we were all under ten. Buck was a mutt, but sweet as could be. I’ll never forget the little buddy sleeping in my bed.”

“Nice memories.”

“Yeah, they are.”

“Thank you, for everything, Jagger. I honestly don’t know what to say,” I told him with a very quiet voice. Maybe I didn’t want to disturb his train of thought or bring a barrage of chastising comments. Those I likely deserved for taking a risk. But he didn’t understand how much pain I was in.

And not physically.

“You’re welcome. How’s your ankle?” He still didn’t look over at me.

I stroked Cally’s head and shifted my leg. He wasn’t paying any attention. “Just a twist. Nothing more.”

“Take it easy on that foot.”

“Yes, sir. Any other orders you need to bark out?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you can’t look at me and I don’t know why.”

Jagger finally turned his head. “You almost died. That bothers me. Okay? The shit didn’t need to happen.”

His stare was hard, but not cold like it had been so many times before. “Okay. Aren’t you the one who told me that we always can’t control everything?” We’d been through so many rounds of strained silence, but to me, this one was the worst.

“I never said that. I should be able to. I’m trained to do that.”

Bullshit. Yet he really believed that about himself. “No, Jagger. If everyone got their way, imagine the chaotic world we’d live in.”

“And we don’t now?” He gave me a long and very heated gaze that tingled me to my toes.

“Not really. It may seem like it sometimes, but there could be worse things.”

He huffed as if he knew I was dead right.

“You should keep the dog,” he stated as if being definitive.

“What if she belongs to someone?”

“So put up flyers. I guarantee someone dumped her off like the shitholes they are.” He finished his drink and rose to his feet, storming away as if angry with me. He’d been so tender before, so damn caring that I’d thought maybe his wall of armor had started to crumble a little. As usual with the man, I was wrong.

He returned with the bottle in his hand. “We need dogfood.”

“Okay. We’ll feed her some steak later. I know we have plenty.” I tried to laugh it off since it was his choice, but he wasn’t interested in breaking the mood. But I couldn’t stand the wall built between us any longer. “You saved lives during your tour with the Army.” I didn’t really make the tangled words a question. My instinct told me I was right.

His half smile felt like a win in a battle I had no intention of losing. I was far too exhausted to pick at his wounds or his insufferable attitude.

He cocked his head in my direction again and the corners of his mouth curled in a way that sent heated shivers down my spine. Some would say he had no charm, maybe even no redeeming qualities, but they hadn’t seen the side of him I’d been allowed to see.

If only for a little while.

After bringing the glass to his lips, he licked the rim before taking a sip. Maybe he was trying to entice me on purpose or just keep me on a short leash. Every scrutinizing look he offered was a direct reflection of the darkness he’d suffered.

As someone who’d also studied psychology in her effort to become a surgeon, every glance he offered made me want to learn more about his demons.

“Yeah, I did,” he said. “Lost some too. Search and rescue tactical missions with a highly qualified team, but we made mistakes.”

“You’re trying to insinuate you made mistakes and you’re having a difficult time living with that.”

“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Bella. You won’t like what you find.”

He was trying to convince himself of that fact. “Damn it, Jagger,” I huffed, letting a few seconds go by. “Until what?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it’s easy to ascertain by your clipped answers that something happened during your military career that troubles you. Until you face what occurred, you’ll never heal. That’s just pointing out facts.” On that damn mountain slope, I’d gathered a sense I’d lost him for a few seconds. I’d felt it, not seen it. Even now, the ugliness from something he’d thought about was eating at him. What in God’s name had he been forced to endure?

His laugh was laced with the same bitterness I’d heard before as well. “Let’s just say that when you fail to protect two members of your team, that takes away any chance you’ll ever be considered a hero. Or it should. Forever.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you went through, but when you join the military and are sent into a combat zone, I’m sure you and your fellow soldiers were told about what you could expect.”

“Yeah, but try telling that to eager young recruits with stars in their eyes about the military.”

Whatever had occurred had made him sour on his Army career. I leaned forward as much as having a sleeping child in my lap would allow. “Jagger. What you did by risking your life to save mine and my little girl’s means the world to me. I won’t ever forget or take it lightly. Just do me a damn favor and take the compliment.”

Snuffling, he lifted his glass as if in a toast. “I know you’re feeling better.”

“How’s that?”

“Your nasty attitude has returned.”

Instead of becoming annoyed like I usually did, I tossed a pillow at him. He ducked and shook his head as I laughed softly. “You are a difficult man.”

“I have my reasons.”

“I’m sure you do. We all have reasons why we’re soured on the world.”

“Yeah? You’re a brilliant surgeon making a ton of money, a beautiful woman with an insanely cute daughter and a full and amazing life ahead of you. My guess is you have an incredible and very supportive family who adores you, your Christmas holidays exactly like this freaking Hallmark card I live in. What reason could you have to hate the world?”

This was just another one of his efforts to push me away. I refused to let it work this time. “You’re wrong. You’re not as good at reading people as you think you are.”

“Oh, yeah, lady? What am I so wrong about?”

“I don’t have the perfect family. As a matter of fact, other than my daughter now, I don’t have a family at all.” The words I’d thought would be so difficult to say were easy around him. Few people know my background as it seemed to taint their view of me. I’d also had my share of those who felt sorry for me, acting as if I was damaged goods and wasn’t capable of finding happiness. I thought I had. Maybe they were right.

“No family? They died?”

“You want to learn the truth?” My pulse was racing.

“Yeah,” he admitted, but it wasn’t to challenge me or attempt to shut himself down. He was genuinely interested. “Tell me.”

“I never had one in the first place,” I said. “My mother dropped me off right after birth into a trash bin outside a hospital. Thankfully a worker found me. It was snowing that day, or so I was told much later in my life. I was underweight, suffering from malnutrition, and close to hyperthermia myself. I was the one who found my birth mother after she died of a damn drug overdose, which means I have no clue who my father is and no one came to claim me. For some reason, I was never adopted, going from foster home to foster home until I was eighteen. I can tell you for certain that for some, our foster care system is fucked up. People want money, not children. I had my share of abusers.”

I sat quietly for a couple of minutes enjoying my wine. However, I realized the intelligent, sexy, and aggravating man had goaded me intelligently into talking about my past. Damn him. I was even certain there was a tiny twinkle in his eyes. After he realized what I’d told him, his entire emotional status changed. He was like a ticking time bomb.

But dear God, I adored him for his reactions.

As I stared at the fire, I could feel the heat of his stare along with the vibration of his anger. “What the fuck?”

“Hey, I turned out okay. From an early age I was determined to have a better life. I studied hard, making straight A’s in school. I worked three odd jobs all throughout high school and what money wasn’t stolen from me I saved for college. Thankfully, I got a full ride, or I never would have made it through medical school without being mired in debt for the rest of my life.”

At least I could laugh about my experience now.

“That’s why family is so important to you.”

I thought about his statement. “Yes, but I also learned the hard way that you can’t pretend and hope someone loves you. It just doesn’t work that way. At least with Cally, I feel something pure and sacred. You know?”

His facial muscles were contorted, his jaw clenched as I’d seen one too many times. “Yeah, I do. I’m sorry about the shit you went through.”

“Don’t be sorry, Jagger. I think we all go through our lives in a way that’s deemed required. Maybe I’m being a little philosophical myself, but I think I’m finally starting to learn what’s most important in life, at least in mine.”

“What’s that?”

The answer hadn’t come to me until now. “Giving yourself grace.”

He sucked in his breath but said nothing, yet I could tell he was thinking about everything he’d been through and the reason for his continued anger and hatred.

Maybe there was much more to being able to share a space together in utter silence than I’d given credit for. I wasn’t antsy or worried he would explode into rage or bother me with additional questions. He was offering me space, much as I was doing for him. Yet I think we both felt more comfortable being around each other.

Even if the air continued to crackle with extreme electricity. A swarm of butterflies had taken up residence in my stomach, which allowed a rush of excitement where there’d been terror and fury only a couple of hours before.

I leaned my head back, thankful for our survival and for having my own private hero.

Even if they were words he didn’t want to hear. I’d whisper them softly in his sleep so maybe one day he’d come to accept the kind of man he was meant to be.

A protector.

I closed my eyes, stifling a yawn. My little girl was even snoring. So was the dog. What in the world was I going to do with her? Cally had grown attached to the dirty yet brilliant and amazing pup. Her gold fur was matted, her big brown eyes full of sadness, but to me she was the most beautiful dog in the world.

As I stroked Cally’s arm, I allowed myself to think about the strength and determination I’d seen in Jagger’s face. He refused to let my baby go when he could have died himself trying to save her. He was… amazing.

Maybe I’d dozed off, but I suddenly felt a lack of weight on my lap. Startled, I peered up and seeing Cally in his arms all over again brought so much joy into my heart.

He pressed his index finger across his lips, shushing me. “I’ll be back.” As he walked around the couch, I instinctively knew he was going to take her to bed. The dog dutifully followed, trotting up the stairs after giving me a look, asking me if she was allowed.

I nodded in return.

Why was it this moment in time felt like the perfect family I’d always wanted?

Maybe I was a fool and reminded myself nothing was perfect. He’d placed my wine on the table and the fire was slowly dying down. I eased off the couch, careful putting weight on my strained ankle, but I wanted to see his reaction when he put her to bed.

It was suddenly very important to me.

I partially hobbled, but made my way upstairs, tiptoeing as much as I could toward the bedroom. The pup was patiently waiting as Jagger lowered Cally onto the pulled back sheets. There was something quite special about the way he tugged up the comforter, taking his time not to wake her, but making certain she was all tucked in. Only then did the savior dog hop into bed, placing her head on Cally’s stomach.

Her tail even thumped gently as if thanking us for saving her as well.

I leaned against the doorframe, my arms folded and my heart full if only for a little while. It was tough not to make a sound as Jagger brushed his curled fingers down Cally’s cheek. I did hear what he said to her and tears formed in my eyes again.

“Your mommy loves you, sweet Cally. You’re a very lucky little girl to have a mommy like that.”

I backed into the hallway so I could remain silent. Even breathing normally right now was hard. He’d untangled and unlocked so many feelings deep inside.

When he stepped out into the hallway, it was as if he’d sensed my presence. He shoved his fingers into his back pockets, giving me a funny little look that I couldn’t read.

“What is it?” I whispered.

“You can’t follow directions. I wonder if you play by any rules.”

“Rules? They bore me to death.”

“Oh, yeah?” he asked as he closed the distance, taking me into his arms.

“Uh-huh.” I rubbed my fingers through his beard, ending with tracing his mustache.

“Lady, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Careful.”

I chuckled as darkly as possible. “Being careful is no fun. Is it?”

His grin was absolutely adorable. “No, I guess not.” He swept me into his arms as he’d done in pulling me off the mountain, taking long strides into the bedroom I’d chosen. He’d known it instinctively or he’d checked on me the night before. Either way I didn’t care.

The feeling of being in his arms was incredible, almost as if it was meant to be. His eyes never left mine as he eased back the covers just as gently as he’d done with Cally, placing me on the bed.

There was no rush this time, but he closed the door in case Cally woke up, taking his time with everything. He stopped shortly after, taking a deep breath as he gazed upon my form. I wanted this crazy and rugged man to devour me and I think he’d figured that out given the way his nostrils flared.

As he advanced, I felt more lightheaded than ever. Maybe a small part of me was still a bit crazy, but I no longer cared. This felt right. His smile was devious in a dark and delicious way.

Earlier, he’d forced me from my wet clothes, insisting I put on the warm terry robe I’d brought with me. It wasn’t particularly sexy, but at the point of shivering all over I hadn’t cared. Everything he’d done after the avalanche had been to protect me and Cally, including trying to keep us warm and safe.

There was something about the way a man pulled off his shirt that told a woman a lot about him. Jagger was the rugged type, not caring about his attire in the least. He yanked the thick material from the back where the label was, pitching it to the floor as he’d done before.

I rose onto my elbows, which prompted a head shake from the mountain man, but his eyes remained twinkling. He knew better than to try to push me but so far.

He was right. I was as stubborn as they came.

He’d removed his boots on the front porch; however, I had the pleasure of watching as he unfastened his jeans. His nostrils flared as he pulled the dense, damp material past his hips. I could watch him do this for a long time, but I knew that wasn’t an option.

The handsome guy might be able to learn a few new… tricks, but he’d never learn patience. It wasn’t even in his vocabulary. I bit my lower lip when he finally exposed his boxer shorts. They fit him like I’d never seen before. Cobalt blue. I wondered what he’d look like in red ones.

Fire engine red.

My pussy throbbed as he kicked off his jeans, sliding his thumbs under the elastic of his boxer shorts. His slight smile was shifted to a dusky expression of lust seconds later as he slowly lowered them down his muscular legs.

Now I was hot and wet all over.

There was no flair in his actions, no suave moment of trying to impress me.

Just him taking what he wanted.

Which was exactly what I needed.

Him.

Every single inch of his hard body pressed against mine.