Chapter 19

Piles of trash were blown against the edge of the weeds that bordered the parking area of the lookout, but it didn’t hinder the view.

“I haven’t been up here in a long time,” Danny said after he turned off the car.

“I’ve never been up here,” Jael said, releasing her seatbelt.

“It used to be cleaner.”

“You used to bring girls up here?” She didn’t really want to know, but she was in the mood for a fight.

“I’m not proud of the man I once was,” he said. “I made a lot of mistakes.”

When she looked at him, she expected to see pity. But what framed the edges of his eyes was longing. A look she’d hoped for all those years ago. She held his gaze for a moment but had to look away. He was partly right about her motivation for seeking him out back then. The danger of a man her father didn’t approve of had bolstered her.

But Danny had been a young man who, even though he’d done her father’s bidding, reserved something for himself. She knew there were lines her dad had crossed that Danny never would, and she had wanted a part of that for herself. He may not have treated her how he should have, but her intentions with him had been selfish. Maybe she’d gotten what she deserved. All of this was what she deserved. As much as she felt a stirring when he looked at her, he deserved better than her. She had to make him understand.

“It wasn’t all your fault,” she said. “What you did to me.”

“It absolutely was.”

She rubbed at her eyes, wishing she hadn’t drunk so much. “You were right. I was using you.”

He nodded slowly. “That doesn’t excuse my behavior.”

“Still, it was for the best. Nothing good would have come from us getting together.”

“Again, you might be right, but I refuse to let you justify what I did. I regretted it even while I was doing it.”

“Then why did you?”

He gripped the steering wheel and thought for a minute before saying, “I’d been with—a few women.”

“You think I didn’t know that? It’s pretty normal behavior for a guy.”

“If it is, it shouldn’t be. But none of those women had ever meant anything to me. It had always been about me and what I wanted. I’m ashamed to say those women served a purpose that didn’t go beyond the physical. In a way, it protected me. It’s dangerous to let people get close.”

“That’s very true.”

“But I couldn’t protect myself from you. I felt something for you that I couldn’t comprehend. If it turned out you didn’t feel the same…I wasn’t prepared to handle that.”

Her pulse raced at his words. To hear someone speak to her like that was too much. She got out of the car and walked to the railing. When she heard him follow and could sense him behind her, she begged him in her mind to wrap his arms around her and hold her close. To tell her it would all be okay because they would have each other, and it would be enough.

“I’ve upset you,” he said after a stretched silence. “I’m sorry. I don’t expect anything from you. I think— Had I known the way your dad had treated you, I probably would have handled it differently. But we can’t change the past. All we have is what’s before us.”

She licked her lips to give herself time to get up the courage to ask. When she turned to him, she kept her hands stiff by her side. “And what’s before us?”

His eyes flicked back and forth between hers like he wanted to confess something, but when he opened his mouth, he said, “I don’t know.”

“Why did you come back? Was it really for the work?”

“No.” He turned his head to stare out over the city. “I wanted to check on you. See how you were doing. Make sure you were looking after yourself.” He shook his head and smiled sadly. “I can’t tell you how happy I was to learn about the foundation.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew it would make you happy. Even back then, I knew you had something inside of you that strove for good, even though you were mixed up in the bad.”

A flush of shame warmed her cheeks. “It has nothing to do with me being a good person.”

“Do you really believe there is nothing but darkness inside of you? That there’s nothing inside of you that reaches out for more?” He was looking at her again in that same way. He wanted from her what she couldn’t give him.

She jerked her head to tear her gaze away. She was unsure what it was about him that made her want to unburden herself, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “Vita Nova doesn’t make me happy.”

“But I thought?—”

“I do it out of desperation more than anything. But seeing the hurt other people are facing is… It’s heartbreaking.”

“Then why do you persist when it costs you so much?”

“Because at least I’m helping people now instead of hurting them.”

“Is that what it’s for? To make up for your past.”

“No.” She blinked rapidly at her tears. She hadn’t cried in a very long time and couldn’t understand why she was about to now. “Nothing will ever make up for that. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t spend the rest of my life atoning. Maybe when I go to hell, they’ll turn the heat down a little for me.”

“Is that what you think?”

She huffed a cynical laugh. “Of course not. I’ll burn just as hot as my father.”

She flinched when his hand touched her arm. “You don’t have to.”

“I don’t have to what?”

“Burn in hell.”

Her eyes slid up to meet his, and they looked at each other for a long minute. “It’s what I deserve.”

“It’s what we all deserve. But there’s a way out.”

She was suddenly sober, seeing Danny for the first time. She knew exactly what he was talking about. She had sensed something different about him, and now she understood.

“You remind me of someone,” she said.

She wasn’t quite sure if she’d said the words out loud until Danny said, “Who?”

There was a man her dad had used her to humiliate. It hadn’t worked. Through the torture and threat of death, as she’d stood before him while he hung naked from a chain connected to the ceiling, he’d remained steady and unflinching.

“A man my father murdered. His name was Lucas McGregor. I was there when he told my dad that he forgave him. Then, naked and bleeding, he looked me right in the eye, and he told me he forgave me too.” Her last word came out choked, and she stared past Danny’s head, picturing the scene. It sent a chill down her spine. “He said Jesus could set us free if we’d reach out to him. All we had to do was ask for forgiveness. He said that right before my dad put a bullet in his head.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I went to my room after that and trembled for hours. I don’t even know why. When I looked it up online, I only got as far as ‘sinners deserve death,’ and I couldn’t go farther. How could I stand before my maker and ask him for my life after what I’ve done?”

“But you can.”

“Maybe. I guess some souls are worth saving. I watched my dad murder men who were. But I’m beyond the reach of any god. No matter what price he paid.”

Danny’s eyes dropped, and he pulled his hand from her arm.

“I wish I knew how to change your mind,” he said.

“I’m not your responsibility.” But she wanted so much to be.

“You know what my life was like, and Jesus set me free. I want you to know that freedom.”

She could see that he really did. It made her ache. That someone actually cared what happened to her soul. It was too much to resist any longer. She moved toward him and reached up to rest her hand softly on his face. His jaw was rough with stubble. She ventured closer, and his hand came up to rest on hers. He held it there for a moment before wrapping his fingers around hers and pulling her hand away.

“I can’t,” he said. But the roughness of his voice said the opposite.

She stepped back, knowing he was right to resist, but she still felt the sting of his rejection. “It’s my fault this time. I’m sorry.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve had too much to drink. You should probably take me home now.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I think I do. I misread your concern. You don’t have to explain.”

“You didn’t misread anything. But I won’t take advantage of you.”

“It’s not taking advantage when I practically throw myself at you. You’d think I would learn the first time.”

“Your dad’s just died, and—it’s bad timing.” He shook his head and looked away, leaving a lot unsaid. She understood then, even through the haze of everything that had happened, there was more he wasn’t telling her. Maybe his return wasn’t a surprise to everyone the way it had appeared. Maybe her dad had found him and invited him back, knowing that his time was close and that Danny would be the one to make sure his wishes were carried out. But then why would he tell her she didn’t have to marry Christopher? Nothing about the night made sense, but it didn’t have to. Danny had made himself clear.

“Take me home,” she said. “To my dad’s place. I’ll be staying there while I’m sorting through his things.”

“I’m really sorry?—”

“It’s been a long day. I just want to go home.”

They got into the car. “Jael, I?—”

“Please don’t. It won’t help. You do what you have to do. And I’ll do what I have to do.”

Neither one of them said another word, even after they pulled up outside her dad’s big, dark house.

“Is Sofia still there?” Danny said.

“Everyone that my father employed is still employed. Christopher and I will discuss how we can find places for them all. Artus has a large estate. He may be able to take on more employees.”

“And Sofia?”

“I’m hoping Christopher will be open to hiring Sofia for our house.”

“I don’t want this to be goodbye,” Danny said.

She had to look him in the eyes. Had to pretend like none of it mattered. Steeling herself, she turned to him. “I don’t know what to tell you, Danny. I have a lot of work to do with Vita Nova and with this house. Not to mention I’ll have a wedding to plan. If you want to continue following me for some reason, I won’t stop you. You need to finish what you started, and I have no intention of denying you that, but there’s no reason to say goodbye when you go.”

“You’re mad at me for the wrong reasons.”

She didn’t know which emotion was stronger, her fear, anxiety, desperation, or hopelessness. A deep anger won in the end. It wasn’t for Danny, but he bore the brunt of it.

“All I know is that every time I make myself vulnerable to you, you throw it back in my face. I have a life to live, and you’re not in it. Goodbye.”

She slammed her shoulder into the door as she opened it, then heaved it closed with a satisfying bang. She didn’t stop the tears that came as she marched to the front door, because they were tears of outrage. She was furious with everyone, but especially herself. She knew better than to let hope back into her life, but she’d let it in anyway. She deserved the misery she felt now and would let it swallow her whole like it had her mother. She’d spent a lot of years angry at those who’d caused her death, but Jael hadn’t understood what a mercy it had been. A mercy she would likely one day hope for herself.

Everyone around her already thought she was cold and hard, but they had no idea. If Christopher wanted a wife, she’d give him one, but inside she’d shrivel until there was nothing left. She could live out her empty life giving warmth only to those she could help through Vita Nova and nothing more.