62. Mikhail

I wake up achingly hard.

Viviana must feel me shift next to her. Her eyes are closed, but her hands find me. She rolls onto her side and backs into me. "Mikhail…"

My cock twitches. "Viviana, I want?—"

"Me, too."

I slide into her and we fuck slowly, lazily. I bury my nose in her hair and flatten my hand across her stomach.

I never had a choice. Not when it comes to her.

I'll always want this.

I slide my hand lower to circle her clit and find her wet. Really wet.

Viviana moans and clenches around me. I want to ignore the little voice in the back of my head telling me something is wrong. I want to silence it and keep fucking my wife.

But I can't.

I pull my hand away. Viviana groans in protest and reaches for my wrist. "Don't be a tease, Mik?—"

I barely hear her. I'm too busy staring at my bloody fingers.

My silence must catch her attention because she looks at me over her shoulder, her smile slipping. "What is it?"

"You're bleeding."

"What?"

I slide out of her and there's blood on me. On her. On the mattress. Everywhere.

I'm out of bed in a second. I grab a towel from the bathroom and wet it under warm water. I come back and Viviana is staring down at the stain. Her cheeks are red.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know?—"

"Don't apologize for bleeding." I swipe the towel over her. She moves like she wants to do it herself, but I level her with a glare. "Sit still. Let me take care of you."

"I'm fine," she protests, but she lets me work.

I clean her up and then grab her hand, pulling her to standing. "Can you walk?"

"I'm fine," she repeats. "The doctor told me this could be normal."

"Could be normal. Which means it could also not be normal at all." I lead her towards the closet. "We're going to the hospital."

She pulls on my arm. When I don't stop, she spins around so she's in front of me. "Mikhail, I'm okay. I'm sorry I got blood everywhere, but it's probably just because we had sex. Really great sex. It can happen during pregnancy."

"I'll believe it when I hear that from the doctor."

I fire off a text to Dr. Rossi and then Viviana lets me dress her. Her lips are twisted into a frown, but she doesn't argue. She knows damn well it won't change anything.

The sun is nothing but pale yellow light behind the horizon when we get on the road. We only slept for a few hours at most, but I'm not tired at all. My stomach is twisted in knots.

"Everything is fine," Viviana says as if she can read my mind. "The baby is okay." She reaches over and plucks my hand from the steering wheel. I let her twine her fingers through mine. "Everything is going to be just fine."

Dr. Rossi arrives at the hospital five minutes after us. I've already demanded Viviana be given a private room and a nurse is rolling in a portable ultrasound machine when he walks through the door.

"You were at the emergency room yesterday," he notes, reading from her chart. "The doctor who examined you didn't call me." He looks over the paper, eyebrow arched. "Nor did either of you."

Viviana wilts. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. We panicked."

Calling it "we" is generous. I wasn't even with her. Saving Dante ranked high on the list of priorities. He's safe in bed right now because of what I did, and I don't regret it. But it's another reason I need to let this world go. I want to be able to be there for Viviana whenever she needs me.

Dr. Rossi smiles and sets her chart aside. "All is forgiven, of course. Let's take a look at what's going on."

"She's bleeding," I tell him. I'm sure it's on his chart, but I say it anyway. "It started while we were sleeping."

"After we'd…" Viviana's cheeks flush. "Well, we had intercourse."

Dr. Rossi is a professional and doesn't react at all as he sets up the machine. "Some bleeding can be normal after sex."

He presses the wand to her stomach. He pokes and prods for only a second before an image fills the screen.

Our baby.

"This little one has gotten bigger since I last saw it," Dr. Rossi coos warmly. He zooms in, isolating a small flutter on the screen. A rhythmic whooshing sound fills the air. "Listen to that heartbeat! It's beautiful. Very strong."

Viviana reaches out and grabs my hand. "The baby is okay?"

"It's perfect," I answer under my breath.

I can't take my eyes away from the screen. We made that.

I felt the same way the first time I saw Anzhelina. I've been responsible for taking a lot of people out of this world. It's a new experience bringing them into it.

Dr. Rossi chuckles. "That's right. You weren't at the first scan. This is Dad's first time seeing the baby."

I turn to him. "Is Viviana okay?"

"As far as I can see, everything is fine."

"Why would she be bleeding if she's fine?"

"It won't do a lot to make you feel better, but as much as science has figured out about the human body, it's still a mystery."

"You're right. That doesn't make me feel better at all," I drawl.

Dr. Rossi thinks for a second. Then he snaps his fingers and reaches for Viviana's chart. "I have something that might make you feel better: the results of the NIPT test."

"Does that mean it's good news?" Viviana asks.

"It's great news. Your baby didn't test positive for any of the chromosomal disorders we tested for. It also means I know the sex." Dr. Rossi wags a brow. "If you want to know."

Viviana tugs on my hand. Her green eyes are hopeful. "Do we want to know?"

"Do you?"

She chews on her lip. "It would make it easier to buy clothes and paint the nursery."

I almost forgot about a nursery. Alyona planned Anzhelina's down to the most asinine detail. I told her it was certifiable to commission art for a newborn's walls, but she insisted. And I let her. I was busy with work, anyway. Preparing the nursery gave Alyona something to do.

Now, Viviana and I will do that together.

Fucking hell, we are having a baby. Not a six-year-old who comes barreling into my life already walking and talking, but a baby. A helpless, tiny baby.

My track record with those isn't great.

Viviana shakes my fingers, bringing me back to the moment. "Well?"

I swallow down the bitter thoughts and turn to Dr. Rossi. "Might as well find out."

He checks the chart one last time to confirm the result. "Congratulations, you two, on your healthy baby girl."

"A girl!" Viviana squeals, clapping her hands over her mouth. "Dante is going to have a little sister."

"We're going to have a daughter."

Another baby girl. I smile and hug Viviana, but the news drops like a stone in my stomach.

I'm happy. Really, I am. I want this.

I wanted it ten years ago, too.

When I lost Anzhelina, I swore I'd never have another family. There wasn't a choice with Dante. But this… This is a choice.

Dr. Rossi leaves and Viviana pulls me closer to the side of her bed. "What are you thinking?"

I blink and paste on a smile. "I'm happy."

"But…?" she prods.

I shake my head. "It's nothing."

Viviana brings my hand to her lips. She kisses my knuckle and presses her cheek to my curled fingers. "It's okay if you have mixed feelings, Mikhail."

I clench my teeth. "We're having a baby. This is what we wanted. We're supposed to be overjoyed."

"You and I have never done what we're supposed to do. Why start now?" She shrugs. "I mean, I'm happy, but I'm scared, too. I'm worried I don't know how to have a family in the traditional sense. Not after the way I grew up."

"Are you scared I'll be a bad parent? That I'll turn into a man like our fathers?"

She palms both sides of my face and forces me to meet her eyes. "Listen to me: that is the one thing I have never, ever been scared of, Mikhail. You've suffered so much in your life, but instead of letting it make you cold and cruel, you've used it to become a better man. That's how I know you have enough love in your heart for this baby and Anzhelina."

I stiffen, but Viviana strokes her fingers over my cheeks. "How did you know?" I mumble.

"Because I'm a parent, too," she says softly. "I can't imagine what you're going through and I won't tell you how to feel, but I have no doubt that you'll love this baby girl the same way you loved Anzhelina. The same way you love Dante. Love isn't a finite resource. When you have a child, you don't have to make room for them in your heart. It grows to fit them. There's always enough to go around."

I want to believe her. Maybe someday, I will.

But not tonight.

Still, I kneel next to her bed and cradle her face in my hands. "I love you. And I'm happy."

She kisses me softly. "Me, too."