9. Isaac

9

ISAAC

“Why are you making that face?”

I looked up from the email I’d just finished reading on my phone. “What?” I asked Asa.

He tilted his head to the side and studied me curiously. “You look like someone just gave you a bag of rotten meat as a birthday gift.”

Grimacing, I waved my phone at him. “I’d prefer the meat over this.”

“That bad?” He unzipped his coveralls and pulled his arms free of the sleeves.

It was the end of the day. Asa and I were in the staff room getting ready to go home, and Zander was at his locker a few feet away.

Nodding, I put my phone on the shelf in my locker and yanked the zipper of my coveralls down.

“It’s my dad,” I said. “My parents are…not great. It’s complicated with them.”

“Preaching to the choir,” Asa said sympathetically. “You’ve heard me rant about mine for how many years now?”

“I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a complicated relationship with their parents,” Zander said, his hands working as he tied his long hair back. “Even when you only have one,” he added with a wry grin, tucking a few wayward strands of hair into the messy bun he wore when he was at work.

I didn’t know much about Zander’s home life, just that he’d been raised by his mother after his father abandoned them when he was a baby. He didn’t talk about her much, but I’d gathered that they didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.

“Mood.” Asa turned his attention back to me. “Is your mom or dad the problem?”

“Both.”

He smiled ruefully. “I know that feeling.”

“Do your parents summon you to meetings with them so they can tell you how much of a disappointment you are and criticize everything you’ve ever chosen to do with your life?” I asked Asa.

“Oh yeah.” He let out a humorless laugh. “At least once a month.”

“Really? I thought it was bad that mine do this a few times a year. Once a month? How do you deal with that?”

“Lots of disassociating and pretending to listen while they drone on about the same shit.” He shrugged. “I swear they just like hearing themselves talk at this point.”

“I wish I could pull that off. I can’t zone out without my resting bitch face coming out to play. That face doesn’t go over well when I’m getting chewed out.”

“I used to do math in my head when my mom would lay into me,” Zander said.

“Math?” I asked.

He nodded. “Thinking about song lyrics or movie quotes made me seem too relaxed and happy, like I wasn’t taking things seriously. Thinking about random stuff made me look like I wasn’t listening or was being insolent. Doing mental math was the perfect balance between looking engaged and solemn. Cut the lecture times down by at least half.”

“I wish I’d thought of that. Rolling my eyes, sighing heavily, and letting the good ole RBF out certainly didn’t do me any favors growing up.” I peeled off my coveralls and rolled them into a ball. “My dad wants to meet me in the city next weekend. He said he has something to tell me, but that’s code for he’s going to lay into me for not living up to my potential.”

“My parents throw that one at me too,” Asa said.

“Do you also get that you’ve got no direction, no drive, and are wasting all the time, energy, and resources your parents put into you?” I asked.

Asa nodded. “Yup. What about saying you were a mistake and they regret having you?”

I winced. My parents had said some awful things to me in the past, but they’d never said they wished I hadn’t been born. “They said that to you?”

“Constantly. And it’s super fun having divorced parents because I get to hear it from both sides.”

“What the fuck kind of parent says that to their kid?” I spluttered.

I knew Asa hadn’t had it easy growing up, but this was the first time he’d given specifics about just how crappy his parents were.

“Shitty ones.” Asa shrugged like it was no big deal. “You get used to it.”

The casual way Asa dismissed that kind of verbal abuse made me wonder what else they’d said or done to him.

“It’s like they have the same script,” Asa continued, swinging his gaze to Zander questioningly. “Did you have to deal with that crap too?”

“Not that bad, but close,” he confirmed.

“Your mom isn’t going to be there?” Asa asked me. “At this meeting?”

I shook my head. “She’ll summon me for a talk of her own at some point. The awesomeness of divorce. I get double the lectures and none of the fun. But whatever. It’s not like I haven’t sat through dozens of these before. A few hours of being talked to like I’m five, and I’ll be free of him until the next time he remembers I exist.” I closed my locker with a loud clang .

“I gotta head out there.” Zander motioned to the wall separating the changing area from the car bays. “Are you going to be okay? It’s weird seeing you mopey.”

“It’s weird being mopey. But yeah, I’ll be fine. Just need to go home and distract myself.”

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Zander tossed us a quick wave.

“Have a good shift,” Asa said.

“See ya tomorrow.” I waved back.

“So, you’re going to go home and distract yourself, huh?” Asa shot me a knowing smile and closed his locker.

“Yup. Probably game with Jamie or something,” I said, trying to sound casual and like I wasn’t chomping at the bit to see Jamie.

“Uh huh.” He leaned against his locker and eyed me.

“Why do I feel like you’re trying to tell me something without actually saying it?”

“Because I am.”

“I’m not picking up what you’re putting down.”

“Are you not picking it up or are you purposely walking past it?” he asked.

“Walking past it?” I smiled sheepishly. “I have no idea what we’re talking about anymore. That metaphor got away from me.”

“All good.” He smiled. “I’m just saying that I imagine gaming with Jamie will be very distracting.”

As far as I could tell, Asa was the only one who’d figured out something was going on between me and Jamie. He was weirdly intuitive that way. It was hard to slip anything by him.

“It’s a great distraction.” I shot him a cheesy grin.

“I’ll bet.” Chuckling, he slipped his hoodie on. “And just so you know, I haven’t talked to anyone about your distractions .”

“Thanks.” I glanced around the changing area. Jesse would be coming back here any second. “I appreciate that.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell Jesse, nor was I hiding it from him. I just wasn’t ready to tell anyone, not until we knew what the hell was going on.

Asa was the exception, but only because he figured it out on his own.

“Of course. What you do is your business.” He slipped the straps of his backpack over his shoulders. “Same as who you do.” He checked the time. “Gotta run. See ya tomorrow.”

“Bye.” I watched as he hurried out of the room, leaving me alone and standing in front of my locker.

Jamie and I had fallen into a routine the past couple of weeks. We’d come home after work, have dinner, and hang out until it was time to go to bed.

It was pretty much the same as our old routine, only now it involved kissing and orgasms.

The first few days of our new arrangement were awkward as fuck, with both of us trying to pretend like nothing was different while simultaneously feeling each other out like we were middle schoolers with our first crushes.

It started with little things, like sitting close enough on the couch that our legs and arms brushed while we watched TV or one of us putting our hand on the other’s back or arm while we talked about random stuff.

All the little touches that had seemed so innocuous in the past suddenly set my blood on fire. Off-the-cuff comments that would have been completely innocent a month ago were now laden with innuendo.

It was like living in a constant state of anxiety mixed with arousal, which somehow made every time we pushed past the line of friendship and hooked up that much more intense and satisfying.

Especially the times he made the first move.

Some nights we blew each other or used our hands; other times we rubbed off against each other. No matter what we ended up doing, there was lots of kissing involved and post-orgasm cuddles that I liked as much as the actual orgasms.

That part was awesome. I had my best friend back, and we were getting off on the regular.

But a part of me was worried it either wouldn’t last or he’d get tired of it and want to go back to the way things were.

I craved Jamie in a way that was almost scary. I’d always had a healthy sex drive, and most people would consider me sexually adventurous. I’d tried pretty much every position out there, even some of the crazier ones that tested the limits of my flexibility, and I didn’t deny my partners their fantasies or requests unless they crossed one of my hard lines.

Most of the time, when I indulged someone else’s fantasy, it wasn’t because I was jonesing to try it myself, but because it was a new experience.

I liked adrenaline. I liked things that made me feel good and gave me an extra hit of dopamine. Sex felt good. New and interesting sex felt really good.

That was probably one of the reasons I got tired of people easily and why I didn’t date. One-and-done was usually my thing, but I wasn’t against repeats as long as we were both on the same page and agreed it was just sex.

Jamie and I had been hooking up for almost two weeks, and every time was as intense and incredible as the first.

We weren’t even trying new things, just sticking to what we were comfortable with. But it never got old. Never seemed repetitive or stale, and I didn’t feel the urge to do more.

Did I want more? Absolutely. Did I feel like I was missing out by not doing more? Not even a little.

But how long would that last? I didn’t have a great track record when it came to my attention span, and I wasn’t the only one.

Jamie lived by the same rules as me. He always had. It was one of the things we bonded over when we’d first met. He was just as adventurous and experienced as me. How long would he be satisfied with the new status quo?

How long before he got bored? Or decided he’d experimented enough, and it was time to go back to being friends?

“Isaac.”

I jumped at the sound of Jesse calling my name, blinking dazedly as the world around me came back into focus.

Jesus, I’d really zoned out there.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concern written all over his face.

“Fine. Just got lost in thought.” I smiled, but it felt more like I was baring my teeth at him and not an actual smile.

His look confirmed I wasn’t fooling him. “Are you sure? I had to call your name three times.”

“I’m fine.” I dropped the act. “Just zoned out there.”

He folded his lips into a tight line, like he was stopping himself from saying something.

“I’ve got some stuff going on. My dad is being his usually annoying self,” I lied, guilt churning in my gut.

My dad’s email was stressing me out, but that wasn’t what I’d been thinking about when I disappeared into La La Land and got lost in my head.

“That sucks,” he said, his expression shifting to one of sympathy. “Parents can be the best or the worst. It’s like there’s no middle ground.”

“Mood.” I shoved the balled-up coveralls I was still clutching into my bag so I could wash them. “Mine are firmly in the worst category.”

“I’ve got two who are in the best, and one who’s competing for the worst ever.” He smiled ruefully.

I didn’t know much about Jesse’s mother, just that she’d gone no contact with him and his younger brother four years ago. His parents were divorced, like mine, but unlike mine, his father had remarried, and Jesse’s stepdad was amazing. He loved Jesse and his brother, Adam, like they were his own, and the whole family was incredibly close.

I envied him and how he had his brother and an older stepbrother to rely on growing up.

Being an only child sucked, and it was worse when your parents put you in the middle of their problems and used you to try and control and hurt the other.

“At least it reminds me why I’m never having kids,” I said. “Made that decision eons ago and never looked back.”

“Hard same.” Jesse pulled open his locker. “It’s easier for me since I only have sex with men.” He waggled his eyebrows. “No oopsies when there’s only dicks involved.”

“I got that issue fixed when I was nineteen. No oopsies for me, either.”

He froze, then slowly blinked at me like a confused owl. “You mean you got snipped?”

I laughed at how utterly taken aback he was. “Yup. I wasn’t an oops baby, but I was an accident. I figured it was best to not repeat history on that one.”

“How does that even work?” Jesse asked. “How can you be an accident but not be one?”

“Let’s just say that my mother wasn’t completely truthful about her birth control status, and my father probably should have taken some precautions of his own but didn’t. So one of my parents was surprised, the other, not so much.”

Jesse gaped at me. “Are you serious?”

“It’s amazing what you can learn when you read court documents.” I shrugged. I’d known about this since I was a teenager. I’d gotten over it years ago.

Jamie was the only person I’d ever talked to about this at length, and while I didn’t go around advertising it, I didn’t feel the need to keep it a secret from my friends if it came up.

And it was fun to melt people’s brains and watch them short-circuit like Jesse just did.

“Tell me about it,” he said, shaking off his shock. “I read some crazy shit in my parents’ family court docs.”

My phone buzzed with a notification. I checked my screen, and my good mood faded when I saw another email from my father.

“I need to check this,” I said to Jesse.

He nodded and pulled his own phone out of his pocket.

I didn’t want to read the damn thing, but I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else until I did. My brain was annoying that way. It latched on to things and held on, driving me crazier and crazier until I gave in to whatever impulsive thing my brain was telling me to do.

Right now it was telling me to email my dad back and tell him to fuck off and stop projecting his issues onto me. I settled for opening the second email. It wasn’t like this crap was anything new.

The email was a carbon copy of the first one. He’d resent it because I hadn’t answered the first, even though he’d only sent it an hour ago.

I typed out a quick reply, agreeing to meet at the designated time and place.

When I was done placating my dad and his whims, I put my phone away and glanced at Jesse.

He had his nose buried in his phone, a pink flush staining his neck.

“Whatcha looking at?” I asked loudly, knowing damn well he was either sexting with his boyfriend or looking at a dirty pic he’d sent.

“Nothing.” He hit the home button to turn off his screen and put his phone face down on the shelf in his locker.

“That was a peen, wasn’t it?”

“I am neither confirming nor denying that statement.” He shot me a little smirk.

“It was totally a peen.”

He shrugged innocently. “Again, I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.”

Chuckling, I leaned against my locker. “Want me to wait and walk out with you?”

“Sure, if you’re not in a hurry.”

“Not tonight. Jamie’s stuck in a staff meeting, and it’s his turn to cook. I’m in no rush.”

“Are things okay now?” He sat on the bench in front of the lockers and bent to unlace his boots. “With you and Jamie?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying not to let my shock show on my face.

He glanced up. “Things seemed different last time we hung out. Like you guys had a falling out or something. Are you good now?”

“Oh, that .” I waved dismissively. “Yeah. All good. That was just a misunderstanding. We’re fine.”

“Good. It’s weird when you’re not in each other’s pockets. You’re the most codependent people I’ve ever met, but somehow, you’re not toxic together.”

“I know there’s a compliment in there somewhere, so I’m just going to accept it and pretend like that made all the sense in the world.”

He chuckled and kicked off his boot. “I just mean you two are good together. You balance each other out. It’s weird when you’re not getting along.” He shoved his foot into his shoe.

“We’re fine,” I insisted, a little too forcefully.

Jesse either ignored my tone, or didn’t notice it, and started unlacing his other boot. “Did Asa already leave?”

“Yeah, a few minutes before you came back.”

“Is it just me, or is he getting even more secretive about stuff? He’s always rushing off and has to leave things early, and he stopped taking overtime shifts.”

“It’s not just you,” I agreed. “I noticed too. But you know him. He won’t talk about it unless he wants to. Sounds like someone else I know,” I added with a pointed look at Jesse.

He shot me a sheepish smile as he stood. “That does sound familiar.”

Jesse wasn’t as bad as Asa, but he wasn’t the talking type either. He kept things bottled up until they got to be too much, then he either did something destructive or turned his turmoil inward and took it out on himself.

“But it’s not like I’m one to talk,” I continued. “I must have missed the class on how to communicate like an adult because I’m just as bad as you guys.”

“It’s easier when you have someone you trust to talk to,” he said softly, his eyes on the bench as he pulled on his sweater. “Someone who knows you and understands why you do the things you do.”

“Bas is that person for you?”

Jesse nodded, his eyes shining with love at the mention of his former rival-turned-boyfriend. “I’m not saying you should only talk to one person about stuff, but it’s easier to be open with other people when you have that kind of support from someone you care about. Someone who chooses to love you.”

“Chooses to love you?” I asked. I had a feeling that statement went deeper than just finding a romantic partner, and it resonated with me for some reason.

Jesse’s gaze darkened slightly, some of his earlier happiness fading. “Biology doesn’t mean shit when the people who share your DNA don’t show up for you. It’s the people who choose to love you who matter, not the ones who have to because you happen to be related.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” That was exactly how I felt; I’d just never had a concise way of saying it before. “I’m stealing that.”

“Go for it.” He closed his locker. “Ready to head out?”

“All set.”