Chapter 25

I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept at all, my eyes are gritty, and my mouth feels like I’ve been sucking on sandpaper.

But worst of all, my head feels like it’s full of knotted yarn. I can’t seem to unravel it.

Going outside to try to clear my mind last night didn’t work, either. I just ended up kissing Constantin. Urgh, no, that’s not fair to him. I made the decision to do it. But that’s when it got more complicated. For me, at least. Rafe seems to think this is easy, that somehow the three of us are going to work out. But it’s not that simple, life never is. It’s messy and complex. Actually, he didn’t say that. He said he’d like to try, which comes down to the feeling that I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that’s the real problem here. The not knowing, it’s twisting my insides like they’re on a spin cycle.

I’ve always flirted around anything more serious than one night. Two would be a rarity. But I hadn’t even kissed Rafe and I knew he was special, someone I wanted a chance with. And then there’s Constantin. I loved how my body responded to him, so that’s confusing the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s just pent-up frustration. I haven’t had sex for a while, after all, much longer than I’m used to. But no, I’m not sure I can use that excuse. Even kissing Constantin feels different, I can’t define it, but it’s like he needs us too. Messy and complex.

So, who am I doing this for? For Rafe, for Constantin, or myself?

I’m not sure I have the answer, or that it is straightforward, but not having a clear picture of what’s going on is eating me up.

I think we all need to have a talk.

I feel better that I’ve at least made one decision and go in search of the others.

I find Rafe in the kitchen, making pancakes. Or rather, making a mess. He appears to have got flour and batter all over the counter. He spins around when I enter and looks so happy to see me that my heart starts a cadenza in my chest. The effect settles my stomach a little as I walk over to him.

“Hola,” he says and steps close, so close I can smell his citrus and vanilla scent. He places a hand on my hip and it’s all the encouragement I need to kiss him gently.

“Good morning,” I say as he releases me and turns back to the stove.

“I’m making breakfast,” he says, flipping a pancake in the pan.

“I think we need to talk. All of us.” I start helping clean up. He glances at me with a slightly painful expression .

“Oh.” He deflates a little. “Why does ‘we need to talk’ always herald bad news?”

“It’s not bad, but it is important,” I say and he nods, the happy look gone from his face. I feel bad, of course I do, but we need to do this, or I think I’m going to turn myself inside out.

“Hey,” Constantin calls as he walks in. He looks at me with a question on his face. I shake my head slightly, confirming that I haven’t told Rafe we kissed last night. He makes for the coffee machine instead of coming over, and I breathe a small sigh of relief.

“Breakfast is nearly ready,” Rafe says over his shoulder at Constantin, who grunts a “good” in return.

Rafe places a stack of pancakes on the table. There is fruit, syrup, and honey to add to them. Constantin brings us coffee and we sit and eat.

“These are good,” Constantin says as he swallows a forkful of his first pancake. He’s not wrong, they are delicious. Rafe’s smile is halfway to returning.

“I was thinking we need to talk about how we’re going to make this work,” I say, mostly directing my speech to Constantin this time.

“I agree,” he replies, but his voice is hopeful.

Rafe looks up from chasing the last bit of pancake round his plate and looks between us. “Did I miss something?”

“I’ve thought long and hard about what you’re asking of us, and I’d like to try too,” I say, trying for casual.

“The three of us?” His face lights up once again and I feel it’s the right time to own up.

“I couldn’t sleep last night, so I went outside to get some air. Constantin had the same idea. We talked and we kissed.” I pause and watch him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. Because if, when it comes down to it, he can’t cope with the thought of us kissing, then this could all be over before it even starts. I hold my breath as his face changes into a big smile.

“This is good, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” I say, and he frowns at me slightly.

“Rafe, you’ve drawn us into your orbit, but I need to know what trajectory we’re on.”

I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the next part. Considering that I’m usually very blasé about sex, this is not a conversation I’ve tried to have before, but then, this is new territory for all of us.

“We just kissed, but what if we’d wanted to do more? What then? Would that be okay or not okay? I feel like we need to know what our... your expectations are here, so we can explore this together without hurting each other.”

His face creases slightly and he worries his bottom lip as he thinks about what I’ve said.

“Oh, yes. I see what you mean. I hadn’t thought of that, had I?”

I don’t want to point out the understatement of the century, so instead I reply.

“This is why it’s important we discuss it now.”

His gaze bounces between us before he runs a hand through his hair. “Okay, how do we do this?”

I stall. Now I’ve got this far, I don’t know how to proceed. I’m used to a culture where you kiss whomever you want, you have sex with whomever takes your fancy. Hurt doesn’t factor into it, because nothing ever reaches below the surface. My reaction yesterday surprised me, and I don’t want that to happen again.

Constantin reaches across the table for Rafe’s hand, and then he takes mine. His hand is large and warm. It’s comforting. He gives mine a squeeze and I hope it means that he understands me a little .

“When Florencio told you we’d kissed yesterday, how did that make you feel? What was your immediate thought?”

He doesn’t even hesitate with his reply.

“I felt a burst of happiness. I was worried you two wouldn’t like each other. I’m glad it happened.”

I try not to snort at how his reaction was the polar opposite of mine but fail, receiving a small frown from Rafe and another squeeze from Constantin. He continues. “So, let’s stick with kissing for a minute. Are you saying you don’t mind if any one of us kisses the other?”

“I’m okay with it,” he says.

“Good. I’m fine with it, though I’d rather watch.” Constantin gives a little chuckle. “Florencio?”

I swallow round the knot in my throat. It would be hypocritical for me to say I’m not happy about it, considering what I did last night. But that isn’t the problem here.

“Kissing isn’t an issue for me. What I’m more worried about is exclusion. One pair of us drawing away from the other one.” Or rather Rafe and Constantin becoming something more and me not being a part of it. That’s at the root of my turmoil. “That’s where we have the capacity to hurt each other, and it’s what scares me.” I know as I say it, I can’t predict what might happen, nor can I be the keeper of anyone’s heart but my own, but at least I’ve voiced my fears.

Rafe’s fingers find mine, and he interlaces them, giving me a tentative smile.

“Can we agree that if any of us feel excluded, we can voice it and talk about it?” I’m not so na?ve as to think this is the perfect solution. Life doesn’t work like that, but I need to believe that it can. I need to believe this will work, or the anxiety will never cease.

“Yes, I can agree with that,” Constantin says.

“I agree,” Rafe adds. “Is it like a pact? ”

“Of sorts, I suppose, as long as I don’t have to sign in blood,” Constantin says with a grimace. My mouth twitches, and my nerves are still frayed, but the roiling in my stomach is easing.

“There are other bodily fluids,” I can’t help quip and Constantin laughs, relieving some of the tension. We release hands and I reach for my coffee, pulling a face at how cold it is.

“That’s the other question here. What about when we want to take things further?” Constantin asks. “What do we want to agree on here?”

This time Rafe chimes in. “I think for now we only go there when we’re all present?”

“Is that practical?” I ask, trying to think up all the scenarios I can and giving up almost immediately as there are too many.

“Or as a pair, but checking in with the other first and gaining consent?” he queries and Constantin nods. That seems about as fair and workable as we can make it. Even though I wanted this discussion, it’s starting to feel a bit clinical to me.

“Well, I hope I haven’t killed any spontaneity now.” I grimace.

“I don’t think so,” says Constantin. “I think it helps. At least we won’t be second-guessing ourselves.”

“Oh, look at the time!” Rafe jumps up. “I’m due to meet Estrella and I’m five minutes late.” He leaves the room in a whirlwind.

“Have I done the right thing?” I muse when Constantin and I are left alone.

“There’s nothing wrong with stating your feelings and wanting to make sure they’re protected,” he says, getting up. “I need to get down to the bar. I’ll see you later.” He stops as he passes behind my chair and places one of his large, warm hands on my shoulder. I look up into his dark eyes .

“It will be all right.” I know he can’t promise that, but I appreciate him recognising the need to say it.

“Thanks,” I say, and then because I need to move past this. “You stole his first kiss, so I call dibs on the first blow job.”

His eyes swirl darker, and he leans down close to my ear, his voice husky. “That’s all right, because I’ll be watching.”