Chapter 20

I can hear Florencio’s raised voice from my room. We all have bedrooms next to each other—Florencio in the middle with myself and Rafe on either side—occupying a different part of the house from Estrella and Juana. I step out into the hall, meeting Rafe coming out of his own room, no doubt disturbed by the same noise as me. Florencio’s door is open and we can see him sitting on the bed, almost shouting down the phone.

“I don’t care what you said. I’m not doing it.”

I glance at Rafe, and he shrugs. Clearly, he doesn’t know either. We’re due to leave for our trip to Castle Montju?c in a few minutes.

“Yes, senor.” Florencio forces the words out and rings off. He flops back on the bed, his arms outstretched.

Rafe is first through the door and I follow closely behind.

“Is everything okay?” he asks and Florencio finally notices we’re there .

“No, it’s not! I hate my family,” he says vehemently.

Rafe sits on one side of him and I sit on the other; he ping-pongs his head between us.

He stops his head and looks straight up at the ceiling. “My father is still threatening to cut my allowance.”

“That sucks,” Rafe says.

Florencio sighs loudly. “I need to find a way to live without him. I’m twenty-six. It’s ridiculous at this point. I’m pathetic.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic,” Rafe says quietly.

Florencio twists to look at him. “You’re so sweet, but I need to do something. I can’t let him keep controlling my life. Urgh !” He grimaces and resumes staring at the ceiling.

“We’ll help you come up with something,” I say, though I’m not sure what right now.

“Yes, of course we will,” Rafe chimes in.

“Thanks.” Florencio gives a crooked smile.

“Do you still want to go to Castle Montju?c?” I ask.

Florencio sighs again, closing his eyes. “My father wants a video call in an hour, and I can already feel a migraine coming on. I’ll just stay here. You guys go and enjoy yourselves.”

“Ah, you sure? Will you be all right?” Rafe asks.

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll get over it, given enough time,” he says dramatically, which I know means he really will be fine.

We stand on the terrace above the parade ground. From here, we can walk around all four sides and look out over the whole of Barcelona. It’s an impressive view. The Castle is a military fortress, built in the seventeenth century. Being involved in both the defence and the subjugation of the city, it’s seen several wars and skirmishes over the centuries.

I’ve not seen Barcelona from this vantage point before. Why is it we can live somewhere and never visit some of its heritage and museums? We don’t become tourists in our own cities.

“Do you think Florencio will be ok?” Rafe asks, his gaze focussed on something in the distance.

“Today or long term?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Yes, he will, on both counts. He’s strong and resilient. He’ll think of a way. We will do what we can to help him.”

Rafe gives me one of his brilliant smiles. The way his face lights up when he’s happy makes him one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever met.

Just like yesterday when Estrella said he could write her biography, which is a brilliant idea. I didn’t know he’d been planning it. We walk around the walls, then down past the stone bastions and sentinels across the harbour. We walk in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable, more that we’re caught up in our internal thoughts.

Since yesterday I’ve been reflecting on Estrella’s words. I was angry with her for a while, but I don’t think she’s correct. I haven’t wasted my life, I can’t have, because the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.

We walk along the moats, now excavated and landscaped, until we reach a dead end. There’s a walkway several metres above us on one side and the fortress walls on the other. I stop as we can’t go any further, but Rafe walks round the perimeter, lost in thought.

When he reaches where I’ve been waiting for him, he looks up. There’s a crease in his brow.

“Is everything okay with you?” I ask. I don’t like to think that he’s worried about something .

“I don’t know. Well, I think so.” He gives a half smile, but he doesn’t sound convincing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I offer. He leans back against the fortress wall, tipping his head back and exposing the long white column of his throat. It’s distracting and I struggle to tear my eyes away from it so I can listen to him.

“Since I’ve been in Spain, I’ve felt different. Not at first, but I was mostly ignoring everything—including my feelings—at the time. But since I met you and Florencio, I’ve felt something changing, especially since we’ve all been at Estrella’s house.

“I feel free. I’m no longer afraid of my future, though there is still so much that’s uncertain. I’m also not dwelling on the past because I’m beginning to understand what it feels like to live in the now. Does that make sense?”

He turns his head, his amber eyes searching mine for some confirmation.

“I think so,” I say, his face captivating me. I know I can answer better than that, but I have no practical advice. After all, am I not guilty of living in the past? “It makes sense to me.”

“I thought at first, it was just being in a different country, but whilst that is a part of it, I think there’s a catalyst. Like you and Florencio. And Estrella, well, she’s a force of nature, isn’t she?”

He laughs and I join in. “She certainly is.”

“She has a way of making me think outside of myself,” he says. I join him, leaning against the wall, looking across the old moat.

“I’d say it’s her speciality,” I reply in solidarity. “She has me questioning my whole life.”

“Does it need questioning?” he asks quietly.

“This is the very question I’m asking myself.” I sigh and we lapse into silence for a few minutes before Rafe speaks again.

“Do you think she was the same with all those stars she met? I can just imagine her down in Cannes telling Audrey Hepburn what she thought of her many affairs and marriages. I wonder what impact she had on them all and the long-term consequences of that. It might have changed the course of many people’s lives.”

“She’s like a pebble thrown into a pond, the ripples reach the shore.”

“That’s very poetic, but then we know you’re the romantic one.”

I turn to look at him, and he’s smiling at me. I can’t help but return it. “I would never consider myself romantic.”

This time I don’t look away, watching his soft golden-brown hair being moved by the gentle breeze blowing across this high ground. His smile fades, and he starts chewing on his bottom lip. My eyes are drawn to it.

“Something else is changing,” he says hesitantly. I give him my best “I’m listening” look, allowing him space to talk if he wants to.

“Is it changing, or just a curiosity? I don’t know, as I’m trying to navigate uncharted territory here. Well, for me, at least.”

“What is it? If you want to tell me, that is,” I say softly. He looks so vulnerable and I don’t want to pressure him.

He gives a little sigh. “Maybe I’m just imagining it. After all, Florencio jokes most of the time and he flirts a lot. But I think in his way, that said, he’d like to kiss me.”

My breath stops in my throat. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. I try to focus on what he’s saying and not on the images that have plagued me for the past week.

“I think I’d like him to.” It’s barely a whisper and I understand Rafe has confessed something to me. The uncertainty in his voice pulls on my heart, and I want to reassure him it’s okay to feel whatever he’s going through right now. But my brain can’t process it, especially not in English.

“No me sorprende. Yo también quiero besarte.”

He draws back slightly, and inwardly I curse myself. Instead of being supportive, I just messed it all up. His face creases slightly in concentration.

“I know only a couple of words there, not enough to get a context.”

I swallow. This is going to get really messy and I’m conscious it might break the trust Rafe put in me with his confession. I’ve shot my mouth off, or rather I was thinking with my dick because that wasn’t rational behaviour. But I will not lie to him.

“I said, ‘It doesn’t surprise me. I want to kiss you, too.’”

I try not to wince at how it sounds to me. Instead I wait, hardly daring to breathe and ready to offer a thousand apologies.

All my focus goes to his lips as he presses them together for a few seconds, then he parts them and licks them. I’ve already spent hours thinking sinful thoughts about those lips. This isn’t making it any easier.

I almost miss his next words.

“Okay then.”

“What?” Confusion clouds my thoughts.

“Okay then. You can kiss me.”

“Oh.” I’m really messing this up, big time. “I hadn’t expected that.”

He frowns slightly, as if he’s done something wrong.

“I’m lost here. Did I read this wrong? You said you wanted to. But you weren’t actually asking? I’m feeling a lot of things lately, and it’s all a jumble. So yeah, I could have got confused, but I’m trying to decide what I like as I sure as hell don’t know anymore.” He pauses to take a breath and I see him about to launch into another speech. His face has closed down and taken on a nervous look. It’s all my fault. I’m such an arsehole.

I push off from the wall and stand in front of him, bracketing him with my arms where he’s still standing.

“Will you let me explain?” I keep my voice soft.

His face is still drawn, his jaw clamped shut, but he nods.

“I’m sorry. I’m making a huge mess of this. I definitely want to kiss you. I wasn’t lying to you there, which is why I said it. But I also wasn’t expecting you to agree, and it caught me off guard. I’m rather out of practice at this.” I offer up a half smile and he relaxes slightly.

“What I don’t want to do is put any pressure on you. I get that you’re going through some feelings, and I’m sorry that I messed up for you there too. Say the word and I’ll back off, give you time to think everything through, and I’ll listen and be here for you.”

He lets out a long breath through his nose, his shoulders loosen, and he tips his head back to look me in the eye.

“Will you stop apologising and kiss me?”

I lean forward and gently capture his lips, poised in case he changes his mind. He doesn’t, and I press harder. He opens his mouth and my tongue tangles with his. He opens further, deepening the kiss, and my knees almost buckle. He puts his arms round my back and pulls me closer until we’re touching knee to shoulder. My brain nearly short-circuits at having him pressed so close to me. My cock is as hard as a rock and he can probably feel it digging into his thigh. It takes every ounce of self-control not to grind against him. I catch his bottom lip in my teeth, and he lets out a little whimper. Friction be damned. I nearly come there and then. I draw back slightly, not wanting to end it, but if I don’t, I might not be able to control myself. I don’t want to scare him off .

He looks so delicious with his bruised lips and shining eyes that I nearly attack his mouth again. I push myself back slightly, trying to put a little distance between us.

“I’m glad I said yes,” he says with a smile that reaches deep down into the dormant part of my heart and rips the door right off.