Chapter 31

MORNING MISERY

31

I wake up bleary-eyed and emotionally drained after crying myself to sleep. I have a pounding headache and the sunrays poking through the blinds are not helping, shouting their harsh morning cheer like a drill sergeant at dawn.

I pull the blankets over my head, trying to block out both the light and the reality of last night's fight with Killian.

But no amount of polyester cotton blend can shield me from the truth: Killian has left. To "give me space," I know, but I can't help but feel it's more permanent.

Can I even trust anything he says after he so openly lied to me? My heart jumps in my throat as I realize there's a super simple way for me to know without the shadow of a doubt. The book will know if he's being sincere. And since it writes itself overnight, the answer will be already there this morning, spelled in black on white, only waiting for me to read it.

I throw the blankets away and recover the book from where it's lying abandoned on the floor. I take it back to bed and open it to confirm a new chapter has arrived, and there it is, "The Unfolding of Us." But I hesitate before reading it, Killian's words from last night ringing in my ears, "Don't look at that damn book for confirmation… Do you trust me?"

After that, seeking the help of the book in making a decision feels wrong.

My heart beats like a war drum, my mind screaming at me to just do it. It's not betrayal if he was the one who betrayed me first, right? But still, I can't shake the guilt. I can't do it. I close the book and put it away. Do I really need it, anyway?

Killian is right. In a real relationship I wouldn't have a truth-teller amulet to guide me. Unless my partner and I decided to keep a polygraph machine at home. I sigh again, realizing he was even more right. Because if a couple needed a polygraph machine to trust each other then what would even be the point of staying together?

It all boils down to whether I want to be with him or not.

Do I trust him? The answer deep down in me is a simple yes. Cowboy, daredevil Killian might've lied. But I never had a reason to mistrust Oswald. My sweet, charming, still hot as hell, Oswald who loves me despite my imperfections and my cynicism. Who loves me because of them. The arrogant billionaire in Lakeville Hills didn't know any of those things about me. But the Killian of this world knows everything. Sees everything. Notices every little detail. And still wants me. And all I did was push him away.

A sob claws its way up my throat. I've been so stupid.

Yes, Killian could disappear any moment, but do I really want to waste any second I'm gifted with him worrying instead of living it to the fullest with him? No.

But how will I ever recover if I let myself fully fall in love with him and then he's gone? I wouldn't. My heart would be shattered forever. But isn't that true of any relationship or any marriage, even? Yes. A lot still end up in divorce and heartbreak. But if everyone thought that way, no one would ever take the risk. There'd be no more coupled wise humans.

Have my friends been right all this time? Is it my fault that I've been single so long for not being willing to risk my heart?

Is it time I changed?

I need to look into myself and find some answers. I'm ready for a morning of raw, profound introspection when my phone pings with a reminder.

I check the screen and my heart jolts at the notice that today Killian has his first house-hunting appointment. Oh, right, because even if we make peace, he's still moving out.

Unless I convince him not to. Or at least have him leave with us on good terms. I don't know what motel he's checked himself into, but I know exactly where he's going to be in half an hour. I shower at the speed of light and still manage to get there with ten minutes to spare.

Killian, looking impossibly tall and handsome in simple jeans and a heavy leather jacket, is also already there, waiting on the curb in front of an older building.

When he spots me crossing the street toward him, instead of the usual warm tingle in his eyes I get a set jaw and a tight expression.

"Hi," I say tensely.

He just nods.

"I'm sorry," I blurt. "About last night. I overreacted."

"Did the book tell you I was telling the truth and so now you're here?"

"I haven't read the new chapter."

Something swirls in his eyes. "Okay."

"I trust you, Killian, I don't need the book to confirm it, to know you were telling the truth last night." Some of the harshness on his face melts away, but not all. "And I'm sorry it's taking me so long to figure out how I feel. That's not even it—" I pause, staring at the curb, pressing my hands to my temples before looking up again. "I know how I feel about you."

"That makes one of us."

"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm not good at relationship stuff. I've no experience. Half the time, I've no idea what I'm doing."

He crosses his arms skeptically. "Meaning?"

"Take this appointment. Instinctively, I don't want you to move out. I hated that you weren't there last night. But I don't know if we should live together, maybe it's put too much pressure on us. Add that the way we met is not exactly conventional, and I think it's normal for me to have some doubts."

"Some, yes. What's not normal is for you to doubt everything. Even when I tell you that I'm in love with you and you reply by saying my feelings aren't real."

"I'm sorry." My lower lip wobbles. "I was wrong. Your feelings are real, mine are too. And I get it, you're mad at me, that's valid as well. Just please, come back home tonight so we can talk and figure it out."

Killian sighs. "I'm not mad, Spoon."

"You're not?"

He shakes his head. "I'm just tired."

"Of me?" I ask in a small voice.

"I'm tired of being the only one who fights for us. Of being the only one who believes in us?—"

"I believe in us."

"Since when?"

"Since forever."

"Then why do you keep me at arm's length? Why do you refuse to admit how you feel? Why do you keep doubting me? I need to know you're all in, too, because you're asking me to come back, to take a leap of faith, and it's hard when you refuse to do the same."

"Because I'm scared, okay?" I yell. "I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of you disappearing. And I'm scared that even if you're here to stay, you'll tire of me. That you won't like me for long. That once I give in, you'll just leave, and I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle losing you, Killian." My voice cracks. "I'm scared that I'll fall into the same pattern as every other relationship I've had, where I fall too hard and then they're gone."

His face is unreadable. "That's what has kept you away all this time?"

I give a small nod. "There was also the fact that you were still acting like a romance trope when you first arrived, but you haven't in a while. You fit. We fit. Just last night, reading the book say our relationship was a lie almost confirmed all my fears about you playing me for dumb, you know?"

"Sugar, all this time I've been scared you didn't want me because this version of me with my simple clothes"—he tugs at his jacket—"and my humble job wasn't enough for you."

"What? No!" I shake my head. "Then we've been two scared idiots because that thought never even crossed my mind."

"Come here." He opens his arms wide for me. "I think you need a hug."

Before I can move, he's already wrapped me into his arms, tucking me into his chest.

He squeezes me, but I keep rigid in his embrace. Still too worked up by our fight.

"You can let go now," I assure him.

"Do you feel better?"

"No."

"Let's give it another minute."

Eventually, I succumb to the warmth. I let myself go limp and wrap my arms around his lean, solid waist.

"That's more like it," he declares, satisfied as he lets go just as a portly, bald man clears his throat next to us.

"Mr. Oswald Finch?"

I almost laugh at hearing Killian's fake name out loud, at least before I remember this man is here to show us houses for him to move out. That we might've hugged and hashed out some feelings, but the argument from last night isn't solved. There's still so much to unpack, so much more to say and do before we can truly move forward.