Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Christmas Eve 7:35 p.m.

Shit. Why? Why is this happening. Today of all days. I’ve managed to last a whole year without bumping into Mitch, which I’ve considered lucky since he lives just down the road in Kensington. What is he doing in Notting Hill? This is my patch. He’s invaded my turf! Yes, it’s been a year since I ended things but still. I’m not ready to see him. Argh!

I stare at him and he stares right back at me. God. I’ve imagined him many times over the last year, but seeing him here in real life, with his dark mahogany muscled arms and those sloping, long-lashed eyes makes me feel horny and angry and sad all at once. The woman he’s with picks up his hand and fondles it. She looks very comfortable around him. Girlfriend? Mitch smiles the lazy half smile that used to drive me wild and it pulls me out of my trance.

‘Phoebe, are you alright?’ Adam asks. ‘You’ve turned rather a funny colour.’

I swallow and it gets stuck in my throat. I look down at myself, cringing as I realise I’m still in my work clothes, makeup up sweated off, hair bunched up under my woolly hat.

Do not cry, Phoebe. It’s been over for a year, you goon.

‘My ex,’ I tell Adam in a strangled voice. ‘At the bar, with who I am assuming is his new girlfriend. Don’t make it obvious that we’re talking about him. Don’t look.’

‘The ex from last Christmas?’ Adam asks, very casually casting his eyes around the bar until he spots Mitch.

‘Yeah,’ I say, my stomach twisting. ‘I should be over it by now. I just feel so angry at him for stringing me along for a year and but also attracted to him, which makes me feel even worse. Like I’m an idiot.’

‘There are no rules when it comes to heartbreak.’

‘Christ. His girlfriend’s gorgeous. Of course she is.’

‘You’re gorgeous, Phoebe. In fact, I think you’re —’

‘She looks like the fairy on top of the Christmas tree.’

‘You’re smart too. And you take no shit.’

‘Argh, this is horrid. He keeps looking over.’

‘You know what you need to do, right?’

‘What?’

‘You need to make him jealous. Show him that he really fucked it up the day he messed you around.’

I take a large gulp of my drink and yank off my hat, smoothing down my hair self consciously.

‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t know how to make him jealous.’

‘Just flirt. With me. He’s looking right this way.’

‘I’m terrible at flirting.’

‘Well, I happen to be rather good at it.’

‘We made an agreement that you weren’t allowed to flirt with me.’

Adam raises an eyebrow. ‘Well, this would be fake flirting.’

‘I don’t know…’

‘Do you want him to wish he’d never upset you? That he’s a damn fool for losing you?’

I glance over at Mitch. Holding hands with the Christmas fairy woman, he heads over to a tall poseur table by the door. He glances at me once more, making my heart pound out of my chest. Thirteen months he let me think he had proper feelings for me. And to try to make that stupid insulting pact with me on Christmas Day?

‘Yes,’ I say to Adam, necking the rest of my drink. ‘Yes I do.’

Adam’s eyes sparkle with mischief. ‘Well, dear Phoebe, let me show you my ways.’

* * *

Another drink in and it turns out that I might not be too bad at flirting after all. A lot of it is just touching the other person a lot, giggling, leaning in close and also touching yourself on the neck or the hair or the collarbone.

Adam nestles in close and whispers into my ear. ‘Whispering can be a good flirty technique too.’

His breath tickles my neck and sends a tingle to unexpected places. But that’s just basic ASMR. It could be Horace the creepy IT guy whispering to me and I’m sure that would give me unwanted tingles too.

‘Should I whisper back?’ I ask Adam, swaying a little to the left as the vodka makes itself known in my bloodstream.

‘Sure,’ Adam shrugs.

I lean in to his ear and notice that up close he smells like Bondage, which makes me giggle and also recoil a little.

‘What is it?’ Adam laughs at me laughing.

‘Bondage.’ I pull a face.

‘I usually smell amazing. Very manly and fresh.’

‘I’m sure.’

‘Okay, Mitch is looking over. Whisper something to me.’

I lean in again. ‘Spssssss spssssss blah blah blaaah.’

‘It has to be something real, Phoebe. You have to actually say something.’

‘Why? Mitch can’t hear what I’m whispering.’

‘You want it to look authentic, don’t you?’

‘Yes?’

‘Then you have to whisper something real. Tell me a secret.’

I lean in for a third time, feeling the heat of Adam’s neck, warm on my cheek. I swallow, feeling more than a little tipsy now. ‘I sometimes worry I’m not a nice person or that I’ll never be happy.’

Adam looks at me for a long moment. I wriggle in my seat at his intensity. Why on earth did I spill something so genuine? I didn’t have to do that. Stoopid vodka.

‘Sorry, that was a weird thing for me to say.’

Adam’s face is very serious. ‘No, not weird. I used to feel pretty much exactly like that.’

‘You did?’

Adam sighs, taking a gulp of his drink. ‘I was pretty depressed a few years ago. I found a therapist and started medication and I’m much happier now.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yeah... Although, I’ve got to say this past few weeks have given me a bit of a wobble.’

‘I bet. I’m sorry things have been shit with you too. And here I am being a grump all day. That can’t have helped.’

‘Today was the most fun I’ve had in ages,’ Adam says, his eyes searching my face so intensely I have to look away for a moment to gather myself.

‘The thing with me is I know I’ve been blaming the way I feel on my breakup last year,’ I say eventually. ‘But… the truth is, I was feeling this way for a long time before that… It’s kind of become the norm.’

‘It will get better.’ Adam smiles at me. ‘I know it will.’

We go quiet for a moment, both lost in our own worlds.

I hold my glass up to Adam. ‘Well, I guess it’s a Merry Christmas for us!’

Adam laughs his weird loud laugh and it’s so very loud and so deep from his belly that it makes me laugh too. And despite the fact that it’s Christmas, that Mitch is here with someone else, that all this flirting is fake and that I’m only hanging out with Adam so that I can impress my boss – I realise something… I’m actually having a really good time.