Chapter Thirteen

A lady should never dissemble and should be honest in all aspects of her life.

December 23, 1817

Lydia was rather late in rising that morning, for obvious reasons, but when she did wake, she spent more than a few moments luxuriating in her bed before starting the day. Her body still tingled when she remembered her steamy session with the earl last night, and her mind was perhaps foolishly building castles in the air.

Come back to earth, Lydia. He is not for you beyond the folly of this trip.

By the time she’d finished making porridge for all of them, Elsbeth had wandered downstairs, and Jackson had come in from outside where he’d gathered yet another armful of split wood for the fireplace.

“Good morning,” she greeted as she put a bowl down at the table for the girl. “Did you sleep well?” As far as Lydia knew, Elsbeth didn’t stir, but then, she had been quite distracted by the delicious carnal endeavors of the earl.

“Yes.” She shrugged as she slipped into a chair at the table. “I thought I heard something outside at some point, but when I looked out the window, there was nothing there and the snow was pristine, so I went back to sleep.”

After Jackson deposited the logs in the common room, he returned to the dining room, taking off his greatcoat as he went. “As a matter of fact, there was a commotion outside last night,” he said as he hung the coat on a wooden peg on the wall. “An intruder attempted to break into the house again, but I dealt with him accordingly. Sent him off with a few punches.”

Elsbeth gasped. “Papa, you look a fright!” When she would have pushed away from the table, he waved her back into her chair. “Are you hurt?”

“Cuts and bruises, thankfully.” As he sat at the chair he’d claimed as his since they’d been at Thistle Cottage, he shared a glance with Lydia. “After I ran him off, I cleaned up in the stillroom. Later, I came upstairs for bed.”

In silence, she set a bowl of porridge in front of him. “Eat while it’s still hot. I’ve already brought the drivers their breakfast before the two of you came down.”

“Thank you.” As he picked up a spoon, his eyes sparkled. “Looks to be a beautiful day. The sun isn’t exactly out, but at least it’s not snowing or raining.”

With her chest tight, Lydia turned back to the stove. “I suppose the two of you will head out for the road today?”

Slowly, the earl nodded. “When I was out retrieving wood, I discussed the possibility with Robert and John. They’re going to walk down the lane and see about the conditions. If favorable, Elsbeth and I will leave around noon.”

After everything they’d shared together last night, done together, he would just walk out of her life without warning? “Best do what you can not to miss the pause in the weather.” An ache had set up around her heart, and she wanted to gasp from the pain, but instead, she tamped down on it, stuffed it down where she hid all her other emotions, all the lies she’d had to tell in order to gloss over her pathetic life.

He cleared his throat. The faint clink of a spoon against the side of ceramic bowl seemed overly loud in the silence. “Since the intruder tried again to come inside last night, the best course of action is to have you accompany us to my Scotland property. For your own safety.”

“But…” They had already had this conversation last night between kisses and caresses. When she turned to face the two people at the table, the only two people in her world that had inadvertently become her family, her chin trembled. “This cottage is part of my past.”

“And a barrier to stepping into your future, unless I miss my guess?” One of his dark eyebrows rose in question as he and his daughter continued to eat their porridge. “Leave it behind, Lydia. No one will be able to hurt you once you walk away and never return.”

As I should have done before now. I should have stayed away.

But if that had happened, she would never have met either of them. “I suppose the woman I was when I lived here no longer exists,” she said in a low voice.

“Indeed.” Jackson nodded. “All the more reason to shake the dust of this place from your boot soles and come with us.”

“What do you think, Elsbeth?” If the young lady didn’t agree to their continued presence together, she wouldn’t go. “Should I cast my lot with you through the Christmastide holidays?” She tried to inject a note of cheerfulness into her voice, but suspected she failed miserably.

The girl bounced her gaze between Lydia and her father. Finally, she sighed and gave her a grin that didn’t reach her eyes. “It is two days until Christmas, and no one should be alone for that sacred day.” She nodded. “Come. I’ll have someone to talk to beside Papa. At least once we arrive, I won’t need to eat porridge for breakfast. I loathe it.”

Lydia smiled. “I’m afraid I don’t have the proper clothing to mingle amidst members of the beau monde that will no doubt be a part of your holidays.” She cleared her throat lest they ask more questions. “Due to my luggage being stolen.”

“When we arrive at the hunting lodge, we can plan a shopping party into Carlile to replace what you need.” Jackson’s grin was quite different than his daughter’s, for there was pleasure in his expression, and his eyes twinkled with anticipation. “For what it’s worth, I detest porridge as well, and have quite missed hamsteak and eggs. However, I deeply appreciate the efforts you have gone through to keep both of us and the drivers alive.”

“As do I,” Elsbeth said as she rose to her feet. “Cooking is an impressive skill for the daughter of an earl. I’m afraid I don’t even know who works in our kitchens or even how to boil water in a kettle.”

For long moments, Lydia rested her gaze on the young lady. “Where did you go yesterday when we were dancing?”

A blush stained Elsbeth’s cheeks. “Oh, uh, you and Papa seemed quite… content with each other, and when it began to feel awkward with me being there, I went upstairs to read.”

So the girl must have an inkling of the attraction between them. “I’m sorry we made you feel unwanted.”

“Oh, it wasn’t that. I figured you could do with some time alone, and I wasn’t of a mind for dancing anyway. There is plenty of time for all that.” Then she came over, scooped up one of Lydia’s hands, and briefly rested against her cheek. “I’m going to pack my things. Shall I pack yours as well?”

She nodded. “I would appreciate that. There isn’t much, I’m afraid.” Once left alone with the earl, she brought her teacup to the table and sat in one of the chairs. “You don’t need to continue protecting me.”

“I do. You don’t belong here, and I’m certainly not going to hand you off to that oaf who seems to think you’ll marry him.” Exchanging his spoon for a teacup, he sighed. “Honestly, I don’t think our story is done being written; there are still secrets to discover,” he added in a low voice.

“Stories not designed to inspire, surely.” The longer she went without confessing the full truth to him, the more the ache around her heart grew. Once everything came out, the odd sort of bubble surrounding them would burst, and he would send her home on a post chaise as soon as he could arrange a ticket.

“That depends. Inspiration can come from anywhere, and perhaps someone else can learn from your mistakes.” He held up a hand when she would have retorted. “Before you fly into the boughs, consider this. You married your husband because you were truly convinced you loved him. There is no fault there, but you have a cautionary tale to tell your students and empower them to use their own judgment over the urge to marry.”

Heat seeped into her cheeks. “They don’t know my history.”

Shock went through his expression, but he nodded. “I suppose you couldn’t say that out of necessity and fear.”

“Yes.”

“I’m still of a mind that it could only help.”

She dropped her gaze to her teacup. “I’m not that brave.”

For long moments, he kept his own counsel. Then he stirred. “I met my wife in a ballroom. She was the daughter of a viscount; our fathers were friends. Though I knew the union would be a sound investment and venture, I was genuinely fond of her. Mary was the embodiment of what a daughter of the beau monde should be.”

“You were well-matched.” Of course his wife would be everything Lydia was not.

“Yes.” He nodded. “After a six-month engagement, we were married. Quite young, the both of us, but I would be an earl someday and I wanted my family life sorted by then.” A frown tugged at the corners of his mouth. “As I said before, Elsbeth came along rather sooner in our marriage than we’d anticipated, but she was a celebrated addition. Mary and I always thought we would grow old together, and that our family was complete at three. But then the surprise pregnancy came about.”

“The beginning of the end,” she whispered, for him talking about his loss made hers rush to the forefront of her mind.

“A bit.” Moisture gathered in his eyes. He pressed his lips together as he fought against the emotions. “When they both died, I agonized over losing them. That hope and anticipation I’d had of expanding my family was suddenly gone, as was the only person I could talk to about the grief and anger I was feeling.”

“That must have been a horrible time for you. Left with a young daughter and your life in upheaval. Certainly not the future you had in mind.” Tears welled in her eyes from hearing and seeing his emotions. “I understand that all too well, and when faced with that, you have no idea where to turn.”

“Exactly, and for a long time, I didn’t think I would ever be ready to move forward, to live again and enjoy my life.” When he met her gaze, the intensity in his eyes had returned, and she nearly fell into those sapphire pools. “Until recently.”

“Oh?” Heat went through her cheeks once more. “Don’t flatter me and say it is because of me.”

“It isn’t flattery if it’s true.” When he laid a hand over hers and then he flipped it over to caress his fingers along the inside of her wrist, shivers of need twisted down her spine. “I fully believe it’s time for something new, to spend time with someone completely different.”

“I…” Confusion came over her and her pulse accelerated. What was he trying to convey?

He nodded. “You have given me back a zest for life. This week has chased away some of my ennui, has caused me to look at… everything differently, and I have found myself a bit addicted.”

Oh, heavens.

That remembered feeling of falling in love assailed her, and for a few seconds, she let herself revel in that before responding to his statement. “Because of my husband and what he became—or what he always was and then chose to show me his real self—I worry about how men often trick women with charm and lies. It’s why I’ve been reluctant to marry again. I’m not certain I could survive if a new union turned horrid as well.” Slowly, she shook her head, and when she tried to pull her hand away from his, he gently tightened his grip. “These are things I try to have my teachers instill into our girls at the school. Those young ladies need to be aware and taught not to settle and certainly not to jump at the first man who perhaps says pretty things to them.”

“Perhaps ten years ago, I would say you were wrong and perhaps jaded, but now? As a father to a young woman who will make her Come Out in three years? I very much hope that someone will teach her discernment and the ability to think for herself.” Some of the color leeched from his face. “I worry over who she might eventually choose to marry. My daughter is already learning so much from you.”

“Despite my issues with trust, I firmly believe that fate puts the people in our paths we need to meet, whether to teach us a lesson or serve as a warning.” Daring much, she held his hand tighter. “The difficult thing is to puzzle out which.”

“Sometimes it is making that differential that is the most terrifying thing, for that leaves room for mistakes.” The longer he held her gaze, the more Lydia tumbled into the cool pools of his eyes. He dropped his voice. “In the event you wondered, you are not a mistake.”

Unexpectedly, a sob rose in her throat, and she stifled it the best she could. “Do you know how lovely it is to hear that? After my husband showed his true personality, all he ever told me was that I had no brain, that I didn’t know how to do anything right, that he’d made a mistake in marrying me.”

Jackson huffed. “That means he probably thought your father’s coin would somehow find its way to him if he hung on long enough… until you left.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Tears welled in her eyes, because that wasn’t the truth at all, and this wonderful man deserved honesty from her. But how could she do that now when the time had passed for her to reveal all naturally? He would surely despise her if she said something at this late date after everything they had done together, after everything they meant to each other.

Or were coming to.

“Don’t ask me how I know, but everything will come out right as rain.” Jackson pushed out of his chair, came around to her side of the table, and tugged Lydia to her feet. “We have all been through much these past several years. Isn’t it time that we had something to look forward to as well as the Christmastide holidays?”

“Yes, but there is so much you don’t know…”

“It doesn’t matter. I know enough to trust you.” When he pulled her into the welcoming shelter of his arms, Lydia uttered a soft cry and let him simply hold her. “And I hope you know me well enough that you can trust me too.”

They stood like that for a long time before Elsbeth came down.

“Lydia, are you well?”

She sprang apart from the earl as if he were a fire and burned her. “Yes, of course.” When she met Lydia’s gaze, cold disappointment went through her belly. Though she was happy Jackson shared his feelings, the look behind Elsbeth’s expression gave her pause. Surely the girl wasn’t jealous of her? She had been the one pushing Lydia at the earl. “Your father and I were merely sharing stories of grief. I became a watering pot… he thought to comfort me.”

“Ah.” But Elsbeth didn’t appear convinced. “I just thought you both would like to know I’ve packed my things and Lydia’s.”

“Thank you.” Adolescent girls were unstable at times, and their moods mercurial. She would need to go carefully with Elsbeth until the mood shifted once more. “Well, I’m going to put the cottage to rights. No sense in leaving a mess for someone else to clean later.”

“You are quite thoughtful.” Jackson then moved toward his daughter. “And thank you for being helpful. I’ll just pack my things then I’ll inform the drivers of our wish to depart.”

Laughing Crane Inn

Four hours north

It had been slow going due to the road conditions, but as long as the weather held, they should be able to travel a full day tomorrow and nearly gain the earl’s hunting box. During the trip, Elsbeth had remained quiet and sullen. She kept her gaze trained on the window, when she wasn’t sleeping, or at least pretending to do so. The earl had read. Conversation between them had been sporadic, but she’d welcomed the quiet.

There was much to think about.

Not long after arriving, Lydia hadn’t been one for conversation or dinner. Since it had been an emotional day, she went directly up to their private room.

Something had changed, something subtle she couldn’t quite put her finger upon, but it left her with foreboding sitting cold in her belly. Perhaps tomorrow everything would come back to what had been considered normal. Until then, she would try not to worry.

Regardless, she was asleep by the time either of them came in.