Chapter 11

"Evrin!" Captain Soren called, striding over and tilting his head in greeting. "I never thanked you for what you did the other day."

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about me "rescuing" Verity.

"Please don't. I basically tripped over her. There were no heroics involved."

He almost smiled. "Thank you, regardless. I noticed you've been staying on longer and longer after your shifts recently. Is there anything you wanted to… discuss?"

I almost shuddered. This kind of conversation didn't come naturally to either of us. But I appreciated that the captain was at least not standing several feet away from me like his horns might disintegrate if he got too close. It had taken a few months after I'd first joined the Guard for any of them to feel comfortable standing even somewhat close to me.

"No, nothing."

Soren shifted his weight awkwardly. "Well, don't overdo it. Selene suggested that you go to dinner tonight in the dining hall. Join in. There's something of a celebration going on with the new Hunter joining us."

Selene would suggest that. She was an outsider too, among the Guard, though in a very different way from me. Others weren't actively repulsed by her presence.

"Is that an order?" I asked. Soren gave me a pointed look and I sighed in resignation. "Fine."

"Good. I'll be checking that you're there."

Delightful.

I waited until the vast majority of the court had entered the dining hall, intending to slip in discreetly and sit at the back of the room, drawing as little attention to myself as possible—from both my fellow Shades who would be disturbed by my presence, and from Tallulah, who would undoubtedly be sitting at her usual spot near the front.

But I hadn't reckoned with what it would feel like to see her. And not in the distressed condition she'd been in the last time we'd bumped into each other either.

Tallulah's presence was so magnetic, so energizing, that even I—who was conditioned to avoid any and all socialization—was drawn in by it. It was the reason I'd approached her in the first place. Of course, that magic hadn't lessened any with time.

She was sitting with Meera, and the latest Hunter to defect to the shadow realm, Iris. Interestingly, Damen had condescended to sit with the masses rather than make a grand entrance with the king and queen before sitting at the high table as he usually did.

I found myself drifting toward Tallulah, despite my best intentions, following the path around the outer ring of the dining hall that the guards who patrolled this area used. The look on her face wasn't helping in my attempts to resist the pull. She looked… lost, somehow. Which was absurd, because Tallulah was one of the most sought-after beings in this room, and should theoretically feel at home anywhere in the shadow realm simply by virtue of what she was.

But I knew that wasn't how Tallulah thought. Tallulah didn't feel like she belonged. She felt anxious, and worried about what other people were thinking, and whether or not she was living up to their expectations.

And that bothered me. When it had been just the two of us, she'd been able to get out of her own head, and a happy, radiant Tallulah was a fucking sight to behold, and I wanted her to feel that confidence all of the time, even in a crowded room.

Tallulah looked up as I approached her already full table, as if she could sense my presence. There was a brief flash of surprise on her face before she schooled her expression into something perfectly neutral and gave me a polite nod. It was like a blow to the chest with a silver blade.

"Evrin!" Damen called out, waving me over. "What are you doing out in the light? I haven't seen you in years."

He stood, clapping me hard on the back—the physical affection making me startle—and gesturing for a courtly-looking Shade to move down and make room for me. He practically fell off the bench in his rush to get away from me, which in this instance, was an advantage of my condition.

What was I doing? Tallulah didn't want me here. That brilliant, beautiful confidence wasn't mine to give. That came from within her. I'd just had the privilege of witnessing it from time to time.

"I thought I'd try spending more time outside. It's nice out here."

Damen laughed loudly before turning his attention to the three ex-Hunters at the table. "Ladies, I'm guessing you haven't met Evrin—he patrols in the in-between. Evrin, this is Iris, Meera, and Tallulah."

"We've met," Meera volunteered. "At the Curia."

She glanced at Tallulah, the one who'd introduced us, but Tallulah pressed her mouth into a thin line and said nothing.

It was possible that she wasn't best pleased to see me.

"Patrolling the in-between sounds like a difficult job?" Meera ventured tentatively, shooting Tallulah a questioning look. Probably because Tallulah was always polite and charming, everyone knew that. She was well known for her conversational skills.

"It's not difficult so much as tedious," I replied, hoping my relaxed tone smoothed over the obvious awkwardness. Even Damen, who could be rather self-absorbed, seemed to have picked up on the tension.

"Why would it be difficult?" Iris asked, tilting her head toward me.

"It's just darkness as far as the eye can see," I explained. "It's considered somewhat oppressive."

Suddenly, everyone was silent—eerily so. Even Tallulah had swapped her haughty expression for something more akin to horrified.

Had I said something wrong? This is why I didn't socialize. It felt as though I was constantly balancing on a precipice with every word I said.

"Endless darkness can be very tedious," Iris agreed serenely. "I hope they're not all glaring at you for pointing that out. Just because I'm always in the dark doesn't mean others aren't allowed to express their discomfort. It's not a competition."

Iris had the calmest manner of speaking I'd ever heard, but the censure in her voice was clear, though not directed at me.

Oh. Oh. She couldn't see.

Perhaps I should just leave now. The captain was busy, with far more important things on his mind than my whereabouts. He probably wouldn't notice.

"Of course not," Damen said hurriedly, more contrite than I'd ever seen him. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him contrite.

"Are you two old friends?" Tallulah asked politely, looking between Damen and me. I hated the indifference in her voice, but it at least moved the subject along after my misstep.

Tallulah's irritation with me also seemed to have replaced the worry she'd appeared to be feeling before I'd interrupted, which I was choosing to interpret as a positive side effect of my presence, though it was probably an arrogant assumption to make.

"Something like that." Damen grinned, though I detected a hint of uneasiness in it as he glanced at Iris.

"We were comrades in hedonism when we were young and stupid," I added dryly, because I wasn't about to cover for him. There were always members of the Guard who joined for the escapism, and Prince Damen had been plenty wayward and eager to indulge them in his youth.

Damen had never held my lack of horns against me. He'd barely even acknowledged it.

"Very young," Damen agreed hastily, still watching Iris's reactions. "And we weren't that stupid."

"How lovely that you're still friends after all this time," Iris said simply. "My nana used to say that old friends were precious as jewels. I didn't have any old friends, but she had lots that she liked to talk about."

"You have new friends now," Meera offered, swooping in to rescue the conversation as the rest of us faltered.

Iris sighed happily, perfuming the air with a bright, pleasant scent that could only be joy.

I'd never smelled anything quite like it from Tallulah. I'd smelled her arousal, and it had been fucking mouthwatering. And there had been moments of sweet happiness when we were talking—a scent I missed desperately now—but it had never been as pure and uncomplicated as what Iris was clearly feeling.

Tallulah's happiness had always smelled a little more precarious.

"So," Damen began, leaning forward on his elbows to speak to Tallulah across the table. Were they friends? Of course they were. Tallulah would be well acquainted with all the highest Shades in the realm by now. "What's this I hear about some arranged dates for you?"

I knocked my still-empty goblet over at the same time as Meera started loudly coughing. Iris startled, and Damen hurried to reassure her while I pulled myself together, quickly setting the goblet upright.

"Arranged dates? What arranged dates?" I asked roughly. Whose fucking idea was this? None of the other ex-Hunters were doing that shit. Were they? Maybe I needed to spend more time outside.

Tallulah gave me a flat stare across the table, and I marveled for a moment at just how much she was able to convey with her eyes alone.

"The queen asked me to meet with some Shades who don't spend time at court. As a favor."

"That is quite the favor," I replied—a little too sharply, if the looks Damen and Meera were giving me were any indication.

"Of course, you won't be pushed to do anything you don't want to do," Damen said cheerfully, glossing over my outburst. "And I am personally looking over the list Ophelia has, making sure they're all good prospects. Most of them are just shy and less comfortable approaching in a crowded room."

I exhaled heavily, dragging my shadows inwards around my body as they moved of their own accord, wanting to lash out in frustration.

This was always going to happen, remember?

No one wanted a Shade without horns. My work hours were terrible, and I didn't have a home of my own, or even a private room. I had nothing to offer anyone but myself, which seemed like something of a raw deal.

Or it had in the past. Because with Tallulah, myself felt more valuable. She'd been happy with me. Calm. I'd been able to offer her that sense of groundedness, and she didn't appear to be getting it from anywhere else.

Maybe…. Maybe I should have fought for that.

But that wouldn't have been fair on Tallulah. She clearly hadn't understood the extent to which being born without horns was a curse in the shadow realm.

The right thing to do would be to silently and supportively stand aside while Tallulah searched for that sense of calm I had given her with someone who wouldn't destroy her reputation.

That would be the right thing to do.

But I was wrestling with the urge to do the wrong thing. The thing I actually wanted to do, which was to be a thorn in her side until Tallulah realized that I would do anything to make her happy, reputation be damned.

Tallulah glared at me across the table as though she could hear my thoughts, and it sparked a possessive need in me that I'd never allowed myself to have.

Stop it,she mouthed, narrowing her eyes at whatever she saw on my face.

My lips tilted up in spite of myself, because I was selfish and at least she was talking to me. But that was where my selfishness had to end. I knew that.

I had to let Tallulah find the happiness she deserved.

But there was no fucking chance that I was leaving those decisions up to the queen and Damen. They didn't know Tallulah like I did.

No one on that list would be meeting Tallulah until I'd vetted them first.