Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

H e'd lost another bracelet. Damned thing had gone the way of his arm, tangled in Harrar's claws and likely reduced to space refuse when the shuttle fell away from the airlock. Grumbling, Felix swiped at the holo interface projected from the disposable wallet unfolded across his lap.

"Sensitized pads with patented Real-Feel technology," he read. "Real-Feel, huh."

He'd been experimenting with touch-pad tech on his glove. Without bio-mech enhancements, "feel" was entirely subjective. He'd always been able to tell when he'd touched something with his left hand, but with his eyes closed, he'd have been hard-pressed to describe whatever he touched.

Poking the holo display, he read on. "Electric impulses…what?"

Real-Feel meant delivering a fucking shock to his brain stem every time he touched something? He swiped to the left, bringing up the specs for the next mechanical arm, the Helix-360, and activated the instructional holo. A skeletal silver forearm rotated through the air. The fingers were curved in a surprisingly natural way, but when they moved, light flashed from the gleaming joints. Without listening to the vid, Felix enlarged the display so he could examine the servos in each joint.

This was the arm he kept coming back to—when not indulging the pity fest that would leave him stranded on the Jitendra for life. The skeletal nature of the arm appealed. There'd be no hiding the fact he had a mechanical limb, and Felix didn't figure himself the sort of man who would try. The Helix-360 was the practical choice. Easy to use and maintain, few reported problems, designed by engineers for engineers. But…

Did it really matter if he could only touch Zed with one hand? Hell, if he'd died on the Gorekka , he wouldn't have the chance to touch Zed at all. But Zed hadn't seemed all that surprised by his quitting speech. Maybe he…no, Zed would never abandon a lover, let alone his best friend, just because he had only one arm.

But something was up with him, and Felix lacked the energy to puzzle it out. Zed was probably too tired as well. That could be it. One day the weight of the galaxy's troubles would crush him and he probably wouldn't even notice until he tried to move one of his flattened, pushed-through-the-fabric-of-reality legs.

Felix reached across his middle to scratch a phantom itch—he had no bandages, since the patch-job on his guts hadn't required more than a small incision, now glued shut—but still, the skin over the area itched incessantly. His elbow knocked the wallet from his lap, sending it flying off the bed. The hardened plastic skittered across the floor. He'd have to get up to retrieve it. Where were all his visitors when he needed them?

The door swished open. Aha! Nessa bustled in, her features set to soothe. She immediately spied the runaway wallet and bent to retrieve it. The holo flickered a few inches above the plastic, stabilizing as she brought the device level. "The Helix-360 is a great arm!"

"You don't have to pretend to be enthusiastic," Felix said.

"I'm not pretending. You looking at arms is a good thing. I'm happy to see you're considering your future."

"Heh. I thought y'all were prepping Qek to come in here and give me that speech."

Sliding the wallet back across his blanket-covered lap, Nessa shot him a grin. "Oh, we are, but she's our reserve. The big gun we're saving for last."

Felix lowered his brows.

"Elias is up after me. Then?—"

He waved her to silence. "If you spill the plan, I won't be able to act all surprised when someone finally talks me into…" What? Considering a future beyond this room? Felix pushed out a sigh. He let his eyes close, briefly, as a wave of melancholia drifted through his chest. Losing an arm, particularly in his profession, gave him license to feel down, and he suspected his shrink would encourage him to wallow in his sadness for a while. She was big on acknowledging feelings as a way of dealing with them. But his arm represented so much more than just an arm.

Nessa's gaze met his when he opened his eyes. "You okay?"

Felix dipped his chin. "Sure."

"I don't mean are you in pain, I mean?—"

"I know what you mean. I'll be fine, Ness. Always am."

"You know there's nothing broken you can't fix. Nothing. In the galaxy, or right here in this room."

Was she talking about him, or his arm, or…Zed? Felix cleared his throat. "Want to hear the question I've been saving for Qek?"

Her slim brows tried to arch in surprise. Wrestling them into a curve of more gentle inquiry, Nessa nodded.

"Ashushk only touch people who mean something to them. So that must mean touch is really important, right?" Receiving another encouraging nod, he went on. "What if…what if she touches my new hand and I can't feel it?"

"Is it really Qek you're worried about?"

"Yes." No. "Mostly. Yes, that's…" Waving his right arm around, Felix barked out a harsh laugh. "It's only been a few days and I'm not trying to wave my left arm anymore. But I'm so fucking tired of remembering not to. I'm going to forget and…I feel like giving up. I'm so tired. Just all-over tired. I don't know if I can fix shit anymore."

He didn't expect the smile. It bloomed across her face like a sunrise, all warm and golden.

"What?" he snapped.

"You and Zed. God, if ever two people were made for each other. He wants to save the world and you want to fix it. All of it, both of you. All the time." Nessa's wallet chimed. While she pulled it out of a pocket, Felix took a moment to catch his breath. "You've got more visitors coming." She glanced up. "You feeling up to it?"

"I s'pose. Are Elias and Qek arguing over who gets to browbeat me next?"

"No, it's the resonance. They want to see you."

"The—" Shit. Had the one he'd dragged along the corridor been more gravely injured than anyone had let on? "Why would they want to see me?"

Nessa consulted her wallet. "Apparently they have much to say to you."

"I fucked up the peace thing, didn't I?"

"What? No, of course not. Fixer, you saved one of them. They probably just want to thank you."

"Oh. Okay."

Nessa poked her screen a couple of times and folded the wallet closed. Felix hadn't tried to read the display backward, but as she stuffed the wallet back into her pocket, he wondered why the call had been text only. Panic clawed an icy path through his veins, making the itch of his skin worse.

"Ness?"

"Hmm?"

"Got anything for this itch?"

"I can numb it for you." She reached for the ever-present hypo at her belt and dialed the selector. Even without a canister, a hypo could deliver a numbing charge. Felix struggled to lift the soft SFT shirt, grateful the hospital had dressed him in something other than a backless gown. Ness reached to help and stopped to scold him over the angry red lines marring his abdomen. "Why didn't you ask for something sooner? You've scratched yourself nearly raw."

"Would just leave another scar." And he had plenty.

The door to his room slid open again and several shafts of light shot across the threshold as a resonance bent to pass through the hatch. Felix tried to pull his shirt down and caught Nessa's hand, hypo and all, in a fold of material.

"You didn't say they were coming right now," he hissed.

Tugging her hand free, Nessa replied, "I didn't know they were coming right now." She scooted back a step, then farther back as two, three and four resonance ducked into the small room. All of a sudden, they were in the middle of a crystal forest. A close-packed forest. Oh, and there were Zed and Theo.

"Sure we don't want to ask Elias and Qek to join us?" Felix mumbled. "And maybe Dr. Gazi? I'm sure we've got room for a few more."

Nessa poked him.

Felix struggled to sit up. "Um, hi?"

Zed angled his way forward, elegantly avoiding spikes and oddly folded crystal legs until he stood between the smallest resonance, the one he called Gleams, and the bed. Without meeting Felix's eyes—oh, his gaze skidded over Felix's, but didn't stick—he said, "Gleams would like to speak to you."

Felix squashed the urge to dismiss everyone but Zed so he could ask why things were so weird between them. Was it the quitting thing? He hadn't really meant it. Surely Zed knew he hadn't really meant it.

The room creaked as everyone subtly adjusted position, as if they were waiting for something. Shit, they were waiting for him. "Ah, okay."

Zed turned to look at Gleams, though he didn't need to in order to listen to the voice in his head. Or whatever it was. It did make the silent conversation likely taking place seem a little more natural, though. He turned back to Felix. "They wish to express their gratitude for your actions aboard the Gorekka ."

Felix suddenly wished he was standing. Lying in a bed that took up whatever space the resonance didn't put him in the center of a situation he'd rather be on the fringe of. An embarrassed flush tickled his cheeks. "I, ah…" Find some good words . "Tell them I'm glad they're all okay."

Zed nodded and turned. He verbalized Felix's request for the benefit of the room. A handful of tense seconds passed as he received a reply and rearranged the thought barrage into words. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he turned back around. "Your concern for their well-being makes them happy."

Felix dared a look elsewhere but Zed, taking in the four resonance crowded about his bed. The one to the left of Gleams, that was the one he'd dragged down the corridor, he thought. The one who had spiked him in the gut on the way toward the hole in the conference room. The crisscross spikes that had grown around his wrist to secure them together were gone, but he thought he recognized the pattern of shoulder spikes.

That resonance shifted and extended a shiny, faceted appendage. What might be a hand. Felix didn't have an arm on that side to meet the gesture. Instead, he nodded.

"They're aware you were damaged by the incident and are sad you are unable to repair yourself," Zed supplied.

Felix snorted softly. "Nessa seems to think I can." More loudly, he continued. "It was just an ar-m." So why had his voice broken on just that word? Rallying, he continued, "I'd be worse off without a head. Though maybe my crew would be relieved." Nessa looked as if she might smack him. Felix shot her a quick grin. "So, um, tell 'em I'll be okay."

He would be okay, he decided. Might take him a while to find happy again, but as Nessa had said, he could fix that if he tried hard enough.

Zed's emissary face looked about ready to crumple. Felix's heart felt about ready to follow, though he had no idea why. Were they having one of those conversations under another conversation? He'd never been good at that sort of thing. He stared at Zed's eyes, begging him to look, to meet his gaze for just a second. It suddenly seemed important they do this now, that he somehow communicate the fact he wasn't giving up, that being okay without an arm wasn't the same as being okay without Zed.

Zed wouldn't meet his gaze, damn him.

"Zed—"

Zed held up a hand and turned to face Gleams. "Repeat, please?" Cocking his head, he "listened" for a couple of seconds, mouth moving silently. "They want to grow you a new limb. Not like yours, like theirs. Flesh of their flesh, um…it would be, wow." Zed's eyes widened. "They want to replace your arm with a piece of their substance. There is a risk it might not be as fully functional as one of their appendages, given the difference between our chemistry, but they believe it might." Zed turned to face him, meeting his gaze at last. "Based on how well the shard in my neck functions, they really think it could work."

Zed reached for the back of his neck and Felix thought about the rows of scars there and the almost imperceptible bump between, the piece of Species Four that had not only cured him, but allowed him to communicate with them.

The resonance wanted to give him a gift of similar magnitude.

All the moisture evaporated from his mouth. Swallowing actually hurt, and reminded him of when he'd first woken. He felt about as disoriented. His left shoulder burned, and the ghost of his arm wanted to flail up and down. He glanced at Ness, whose expression combined scientific interest and wonder. Theo just looked stunned. Zed…Zed's eyes were all shiny, damn him. Blinking rapidly, Felix cast his gaze downward and contemplated the smart fibers twined through the blanket covering his legs.

Function was an important consideration, which was why his choice of mechanical arms had been so limited. If he wanted to continue his life of utility, of being a full member of his crew, he needed to be able to do his job. But though he was no diplomat, Felix understood the gesture for what it was. Even if the arm didn't work, he had to consider it. But first, he had to figure out what functionality they were talking about.

"Would it be rude for me to ask what they consider fully functional?"

Zed put the question to Gleams, but the resonance beside her answered by extending an arm appendage and growing another pair of spikes near the end, just like the ones it had clamped around Felix's wrist. The spikes crossed, then receded, replaced by a single, slimmer spike. Then a curved one, a hooked pair, a blunt knob shape, something like a knife, several more delicate protuberances.

"Qek needs to see this," Felix murmured. He looked up at the resonance. "Um, do you have a name?"

Zed turned the query over to the resonance unit, and a lot of thinking rolled back and forth between them. Felix could almost feel the weight of the discussion and he wondered if he'd asked the worst question possible. The resonance weren't cowering, though, which was the only thing he'd seen them do when they were affected by a dissonant vibration.

After several minutes, Zed—visibly wilted by the effort of extracting and understanding another name—turned back around. He wore a tired but triumphant smile. "One-Who-Unlocks-Mysteries-of-Connections. We've agreed on Locks for short. As I understand it, it…he—" there he went, assigning a random pronoun to another named resonance "—is an engineer of a sort, like you. The arm was his idea."

Felix considered the demonstration Locks had given him. "So they're not sure if I'll be able to do all that with it."

"No, but you will be able to move the appendage as if it were an actual arm and you'll be able to handle tools and…" Zed took a few minutes to clarify another point before delivering the most stunning aspect, the very thing Felix thought he'd lost forever. "You'll be able to feel with it."

It was a selfish want, to have an arm he could touch his lover with, feel his skin with. Touch would be useful to him as a mechanic and engineer, but what Felix had feared most was losing half of the self he used to embrace Zed, to make love to him. His left arm might have been next to useless, but it had served him well enough in that respect. He'd been able to caress Zed's face with those broken fingers, even clumsily. No one wanted to be caressed by a mechanical hand and cybernetic limbs…

"Oh my God," Felix breathed.

"What?" Zed's expression instantly morphed into deep concern.

"They can travel through j-space."

"Ah…"

"I could touch things with this arm, feel them, fix them. Hold you… and travel through j-space?"

The significance of his statement seemed to catch every human in the room at the same time. Mouths gaped. Gleams apparently tugged at Zed's attention, because he turned and spoke to the resonance, speaking aloud for the benefit of everyone else. "We don't have this technology. Well, we have it, cybernetic limbs with bio-implants and, damn, this is hard to explain. Jump-space breaks it. People, humans with such enhancements can't travel."

Theo cleared his throat. "Emissary, if you'll excuse me for interrupting. This offer, this exchange—it's more than an arm. Do they understand what they'd be giving us? What this could mean for anyone who has lost a limb?"

Zed returned a hurried nod. "Yeah, I get it. Trying to explain it to them."

Gleams poked Zed's shoulder and he turned back to the hulking unit of resonance. A second later, he smiled. "Oh, they get it, all right. Apparently the same limitation kept them bound to regular space for…whatever measure of time that is, I…it was a long, long time. Probably the entire history of humanity. Then they—" his brow scrunched "—evolved."

"This is a big deal," Theo said.

"I know."

Everyone took another of those moments, this one less stunned. But Felix could see their thoughts all matched his. What would the resonance want in return for this extraordinary gift? Locks reached out and touched his shoulder, and Felix shivered. Panic raced through him again. Oh shit. Did they want him ? They really shouldn't take him. As a representative of humanity, he failed miserably. But…maybe they just wanted a test subject?

Okay, that thought appealed less.

Zed interrupted his descent into self-indulgent despair. "They say it is a gift. Without Felix, their unit would not be whole. As a result of his actions, my partner-unit is not whole."

"Your partner-unit?" Theo asked.

Zed had finally met Felix's gaze and he didn't look away at Theo's question. "Yeah, that's what they call Felix and me. We're a unit. Only complete together."

Yeah? Then why were things so bloody weird now?

"You want to try an experimental upgrade?" Zed said.

Felix nudged aside worries about their relationship long enough to smile. "Do you really have to ask?"

Only exhaustion prevented Zed from sprinting back to Flick's room after he'd seen the resonance to their shuttle. He walked through the corridors on autopilot, the resonance's offer and the revelations accompanying it rolling through his mind on a constant loop.

A new, nonmechanical arm. An arm that would allow Flick to travel through j-space. To feel .

Holy shit.

How could Flick not jump at that? Zed didn't blame him for his enthusiasm, not in the least. But now that the shock was wearing off, doubts were starting to creep into Zed's mind. He was too tired to categorize and fully analyze them, but they hunkered in a dark corner of his brain, making him uncomfortable. Remembering the look of incredulity and joy on Flick's face, though, Zed wouldn't bring anything up now. Later, there'd be time to discuss everything fully. Rationally. Hell, maybe he'd even invite Theo for the conversation.

Maybe not.

He stepped into Flick's room, thankful that he was healed enough that infection was no longer as pressing a concern as it had been in those first few days. No decontamination scan required, nothing that prevented him from getting close to his lover immediately. Flick had reclined the bed and he lay on his back, eyes closed. The slow, rhythmic movement of his chest attested to his own need for rest.

Maybe the sight of Flick sleeping was as contagious as a yawn, because damn, suddenly Zed's body felt too heavy, too clunky, and absolutely not up for the task of carrying him all the way across the ship to his own, empty quarters.

He must have made some noise—a grunt? A whimper?—because Flick suddenly shifted, stretching gently, and opened his eyes to look at Zed. "Hey," he said, blinking slowly, his voice rough with sleep. "Get them off to their shuttle okay?"

Zed dragged the chair closer to the bed—the nurses kept moving it too far away when he wasn't around—and settled into it heavily with a sigh. "Yeah."

"C'mere." Flick scooted over, angling himself onto his good side so there was a Zed-sized space on the bed. He rolled his eyes when Zed didn't move. "I'm not gonna break. Come here."

No, Flick wasn't going to break. If after all he'd been through he hadn't broken yet…yeah, it wasn't going to happen. Zed bent down and undid the fastenings of his boots, then toed them off before climbing onto the bed. Guilt flickered and flared in his gut, but oh God, it felt so good to be horizontal. It felt even better to be lying beside Flick.

He brushed his fingers across Flick's curls, his temple, his ear. "Hi."

"Miss you," Flick whispered.

Zed grunted.

Flick looked at him for a minute, obviously expecting more than just a grunt, then scooted a bit closer, tucking his head against Zed's chest. "Anyway."

Zed's throat tightened. Usually he was the one to initiate a cuddle—Flick never objected to his touch, but he rarely sought out more than a simple squeeze of a hand or a brief hug. He grasped Flick's side carefully, pulling him a little closer.

He lifted his blond curls and looked up at Zed. "What?"

Zed gazed into his eyes and thought about unloading—telling Flick about Elias, or about the stin, or about all the doubts and horror that kept sneaking into his dreams to prevent any real rest.

"Zed?"

God, he loved this man. Heart, body, soul.

Flick's worried look morphed into a glare. "Now you're just starting to piss me?—"

Zed leaned in and covered Flick's mouth with his own. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to burden Flick, not when he had so much already on his mind. Eventually, the worries about the resonance's solution would kick in—Flick might not admit to it often, but he was an analytical sort, examining problems from all sides in order to see a solution. Once the wonder and happiness wore off, he'd do the same here, and that would be enough to deal with.

Elias and the stin were Zed's problem.

It felt like it had been months since they'd kissed, not days. Their tongues met, tentatively, then not so tentatively as they fell into a rhythm that was as familiar to them now as breathing. Flick's scent was still there under the antiseptic smell of the hospital—the comforting tang that reminded Zed of the Chaos . Of home. He couldn't stop the tremble that cascaded through him as he remembered watching Flick lying so still in this same bed for hours upon hours.

It was simple—without Felix Ingesson, there was no Zander Anatolius.

He skimmed his hand downward, over Flick's chest, across his stomach, a singular destination in mind. He needed to show Flick how much he meant to him. And maybe they couldn't do everything Zed wanted to do—strip Flick naked, taste every inch of him, worship his body and demonstrate that no amount of scars, no amount of so-called imperfections could ever make him less perfect in Zed's eyes. He couldn't do all of that, not in a hospital bed barely large enough for one man, let alone two. But he could do this.

He pulled the sheet up over their hips. It wouldn't hide much, but it would give some semblance of privacy. Slipping his hand beneath the waistband of Flick's soft pants, he groaned as he discovered Flick wasn't wearing underwear. There was nothing to navigate before wrapping his palm around Flick's cock, and the hospital pants were nice and roomy.

A strangled grunt-groan escaped Flick's lips. "N-not fair," he managed before tilting his head back, eyes closed, neck arching, as Zed coaxed him to full hardness. Zed took the arched column of pale skin as an invitation, bending forward to nip at it, kiss, lick, all the while keeping his hand moving. Slow, tight, twisting slightly over the head of Flick's cock, just as he liked it.

"This okay? Not hurting you?" Zed asked softly.

"No. 'S good." Flick squirmed beneath him and grunted again—though the noise was tinged with frustration this time. "Fuck…want to hold you."

And he couldn't. Not on his side, with his one arm trapped between them. Zed levered himself up, loosening his grip on Flick's erection but not letting go. "Roll onto your back."

Flick didn't argue but arranged himself as Zed instructed, his eyes dark with want and need. Zed lay on his side, pressed up against Flick, his right leg tucked between Flick's and taking some of his weight as the rest of it was braced on his left forearm beside Flick's head. Flick reached up into the space Zed had left specifically so he could grab at Zed's back. Dig in with fingers and nails, if he wanted to.

Flick looked up at him, his gaze naked with desire. "I don't tell you enough how much you turn me on," he whispered. "Damn, your muscles."

Zed let Flick's compliment go without response. He resumed stroking Flick, loving how his body arched beneath him—until Flick hissed in pain. Growling a warning, Zed stopped the motion of his hand until Flick calmed somewhat.

"Keep your hips still."

"Let me worry about me."

Flick's eyes rolled back as Zed started stroking again. Zed's hips wanted to match the rhythm, pressing his hard cock against Flick, but he remained motionless. This wasn't about him.

Flick moaned, the scent of their combined arousal overpowering both his tangy circuitry smell and the sterile odor of the hospital. His fingers bit into the muscles of Zed's back as he arched upward, Zed's name on his lips, come spurting between them.

Zed reveled in the sensation of heat smeared across his fingers. He lifted them to his lips and licked, letting out a sigh at the taste of his lover.

"Good?" Flick asked, his voice a bit shaky.

"Yeah." Zed offered a soft smile in return, making sure his hips were angled away so Flick wouldn't feel that he was still hard. Maybe he was being stupid, denying himself a release—but it was the one bloody thing he could control out of this whole mess. And he needed to control something, have some say over something . "Sleep. I'm gonna go get something to clean us up."

By the time he got back to the bed with a cloth, Flick was out, snuffling quietly. He didn't stir when Zed wiped up the mess he'd encouraged. Afterward, he eyed the bed, wishing he could lie down beside Flick.

Too much to do.

He left the room and pulled out his wallet to place a call while he walked back to his quarters. If anyone would be able to give a good, scientific opinion on what the resonance were offering, it'd be his mad-scientist/genius brother, Maddox.

He only hoped he could convince Maddox not to show up at the Hub.