14. Ryklin
The bleeding stoppedafter Noelle tore herself out of my grasp and stared at me, eyes wide and panicked. I wiped my hand across my face and looked at the blood. I had a headache, a pounding in my temples that had been steadily building with every moment that Noelle touched me. But I hadn"t told her to stop.
I hadn"t wanted her to stop.
I could see that she was desperate to ask questions, but I had no answers. My clothing was dry enough, so I pulled them back on and watched as she did the same. Something about seeing her naked skin made me want to reach out and touch, just as she"d touched me. But if receiving touch had caused my nose to bleed, I could only imagine what might happen if I gave.
I shouldn"t want it at all. I was soulless.
I was fixated.
I had to be.
Whatever fixation was, I"d tripped over that final step and fallen fully into it. My entire being felt attuned to Noelle, and there was something wild within me battering against my discipline to get out.
We built a fire at the edge of the beach, on the rocks where we wouldn"t have to worry about it spreading. It wouldn"t make for comfortable sleeping, but it would be safe enough. And tomorrow we should find the mine.
And then I would need to let Noelle go.
No.
The denial tore out of me, and I had to breathe deep to keep from speaking the word aloud. Nebula Outpost was Noelle"s home. She belonged there. I could find some other place to live, some other planet where I would be no danger to her.
But my body rebelled at the thought of leaving her.
I forced myself to leave her by the fire as I tried to hunt more rabbits, but there were none to be found. Strange, but perhaps there were larger predators in the area, something that made them run.
Or maybe they heard me coming.
I heard a high-pitched shriek and went running back towards the beach only to find a fish flopping around near the edge of the water and Noelle standing up to her ankles, shirt off once more, as she stared at the water as if she could make the fish jump out of it with the power of her mind.
The dying fish on the beach was evidence that maybe she had.
"It"s so gross, they"re all touching my feet!" She hopped a bit in the shallows then bent down and came up with another fish in her hands, but it squirmed out and made it safely back to the water. "Damn it!"
Before I could take my boots off to assist, she grabbed another fish and threw it at the shore before sprinting out of the water as if it might bite her. "There, we have dinner." She pointed at the large fish on the ground. "You can use your, uh," she made a fist and swiped down with her wrist, imitating claws, "to clean those, right?"
"I can." There was something light in my chest, and I had the strangest urge to do … something. Perhaps I was just hungry and satisfied that we would have dinner.
What else could it be?
As I worked on the fish, Noelle pulled her shirt back on and rested her legs near the fire to let the bottoms of her pants dry. "They were all swarming in the water," she said. "That"s why I could catch them. I figured it wouldn"t hurt to give it a shot."
I could have pointed out that she could have been swept away in the river a second time, but I didn"t. She hadn"t gone deep, and she was an intelligent woman. I trusted her.
As night fell around us, we ate our fish.
It had been a long day, and I was ready to sleep, but Noelle was sitting up and looking into the fire. "I wonder if we should tell ghost stories. That"s what you"re supposed to do when you camp."
"Do you know any?" Soldiers in the Legion had plenty of stories to share, sights seen throughout the galaxy, unbelievable tales of daring and triumph. But I didn"t think I had any about ghosts.
Noelle sprang into a tale about a widowed woman and her six dead husbands, all drowned in different shipwrecks. For some, it might have been scary, but all I could hear was Noelle"s voice, the way her tone rose and fell, wrapping around me like an embrace.
I wanted her to keep speaking and never stop. I wanted her to move closer to me and touch me again.
I just wanted.
I shouldn"t be able to. This wasn"t what I was. But what was obsession if not want? What was fixation?
Or was it something else?
Drex had acted erratically before he realized that Pippa was his denya. He"d made decisions I hadn"t understood and had acted in ways that went against every rule we had to adhere to as soulless Detyens. But it was all because he"d found his mate, and his emotions had somehow reawakened.
Could that be what this was? Could Noelle be my denya?
The want was so strong it made my gut clench. If Noelle was my denya, wouldn"t I know it? We recognized our mates on sight. That was how it always worked. And I"d been seeing her around the ship for years. I may have become fixated, but there was no bond.
Then again, Drex had not immediately recognized Pippa. Perhaps it had something to do with the procedure that made us soulless.
I wanted it too much to believe it could be true. But perhaps refusing to believe it in this case was the illogical path.
Thinking about it was only confusing me further.
"And then the sea goddess rose out of the sea with her six undead merman husbands and slew the banshee before she could send any men to a watery grave!" Noelle ended with a flourish. "Now it"s your turn."
I stared at her, at the flickering firelight reflecting off her hair. Her face glowed with warmth, and her eyes were bright with the story. I was no storyteller; I was bound to disappoint. "I have no stories to tell."
She opened her mouth and then quickly closed it, giving me a considering look. "Then what do you want to do?"
Sleep, I should have said. Or corrected her that a soulless Detyen could want nothing. But in that moment, it wasn"t true. "I want to touch you." It was a secret shared between us, down here where no one could catch me, where no one could see the deviation. There was no worry, no rules. It was anathema to the soulless, but I would have shooed rescuers away in that moment if it meant I could spend more time with her.
Did that make her my mate or just my obsession?
Noelle"s expression turned serious, but she scooted closer until we were nearly touching, only a breath between us. But she didn"t reach out. No, this was my desire, my job.
I could still feel the ghost of her hands on me, though any pain it had caused had faded.
I started with her hand, and there was the explosion of pain in the back of my skull. It was even worse than before, prickling all down my neck and into my spine, like a limb that had fallen asleep and was trying to wake.
But I kept touching and ignored the pain. I traced my fingers over her hand, memorizing every curve and callus. I hadn"t noticed her hands before, but they were strong, just as strong as the rest of her, even if she was softer than me in places.
Her hand twitched under my touch, and Noelle watched me, expression rapt.
I didn"t dare kiss her. But that forbidden desire was there.
I brought her hand up to my face, cradling it against my cheek, and her breath caught. And the pain grew. It was fire under my skin now, but I didn"t care. I wanted her touch, and if it hurt then I would bear it.
I pressed her palm against my face, and Noelle leaned closer, her eyes falling half closed, and her lips parted.
"Ryklin …," she breathed my name, and it was like a prayer, like a promise.
I leaned in and captured her lips before she could say anything else.
There was a burst of pain, and then a rush of heat. I was kissing her, and my body was on fire with need. I opened my mouth, old instinct driving me, and Noelle moaned.
Something in me roared to life, and then an avalanche of pain washed over me, and everything went black.