CAM

I'D SOMEHOW CONVINCED Karter to let me put Ty on the bus, and for him to stay inside. Well, it was more like I'd begged him. I'd insisted that I felt better (I didn't) and that I needed to get out into the fresh air (also no) and that there was no point in him joining me since at least one of us should stay warm and comfy in bed.

When Ty's bus pulled away, with Ty waving to me from his window, I took a deep breath, resting my palms on my knees for a moment so I didn't collapse onto the sidewalk. I felt completely nauseated, but this time I wasn't sure if it was because I was ‘sick' or because I was so nervous I wanted to puke. But the longer I took to carry out this supremely unpleasant task, the higher chance I would be caught, so I scurried off around the corner as fast as my weak body would let me.

There was a little drugstore not even half a block down, open 24/7. The bored cashier barely spared me a glance before returning to scrolling on her phone when I creaked open the door and stepped inside. I shivered, glad to be out of the cold. It was windy, and tiny flakes of snow had started forming in the air, melting before they could stick to the ground.

It had been seven years since the last time I'd done this, but the walk of shame was all too familiar.

All the aisles had big signs over them explaining which items were contained within. Ironically, the pregnancy tests were right next to the condoms, which I felt was kind of rude. No need to remind anyone of any stupid mistakes they'd made. Then again, we'd used one the first time this had happened to me, so maybe I was just extremely uber-fertile. What a lovely and not at all terrifying thought.

Snatching one off the shelf and making my way back to the cashier, I set it on the counter. She looked down at it before glancing back up at me with a bit of sympathy.

"Is this all?" She asked, ringing it up.

"Yeah. Can I use your bathroom?" I set some bills on the counter and crumpled up the receipt she printed for me.

She pointed at one side of the store before handing me a key chained to a comically large plaque with the store's logo on it. I guessed they'd had people accidentally walk out with it. Or maybe not accidentally. Why anyone would bother stealing a bathroom key, I didn't know. But I used it to unlock the door and step in. It closed heavily behind me. Glancing at my reflection, I narrowed my eyes. That moron in the spotty mirror was the one who'd gotten us into this mess.

I followed the instructions on the box, trashing all the packaging while I waited. Pulling out my phone, I forced myself to scroll through a social media feed, though I couldn't focus on any of the posts. When enough time had passed, I inhaled deeply, but didn't bother drawing it out. Picking up the test off the corner of the sink, I saw there was absolutely no ambiguity. No barely-there second line that you had to squint to see and force yourself to believe that maybe you were imagining it. Both lines were thick and dark and very obviously there. Pregnant.

Groaning, I pressed my palms into my eyes. What kind of fucking idiot got pregnant on accident twice ? I felt dizzy and wanted to lay down on the disgusting public bathroom tiles. The life I'd worked so hard to build up was crumbling and escaping through my fingers like grains of sand.

He'd asked one thing of me. One. For everything he'd given me and my kid, all he'd asked was that I be on birth control and I hadn't even been able to manage that very simple and reasonable expectation.

And then something I hadn't considered yet occurred to me, freezing my stomach with terror. Would he think I'd done it on purpose? To trap him into being with me, or so that no matter what happened I'd have access to his money? I'd realized the night before exactly how and when it had happened, but that didn't help me at all. It was still just me being a forgetful idiot.

I was pretty sure being a scatterbrained simpleton would be more forgivable in Karter's eyes than if I was someone who would maliciously trap him into parenthood. But I didn't have a clue what he would think. I'd thus far avoided pissing him off, or as far as I knew I had.

I remembered the way he'd snapped and snarled at someone from his work on the phone the first day I'd met him at the café and shuddered. If he yelled at me like that there was no way I'd be able to keep from crying. I was hovering pretty close to that anyway. Maybe I should wait to bring it up until I'd figured out a good defense. But was there even a good defense to any of this? Shoving the test in the pocket of my coat, I pushed open the door.

Ducking my head as I exited the bathroom, I brought the key back to the cashier. Her eyes seemed to search my face, probably curious about what the outcome of the test had been.

"Not good," I told her, and she frowned, letting out a small sigh.

"Everything will work out," she promised me. Lovely sentiment, but I wasn't so sure.

Every step home felt like I was on my way to the guillotine, but I marched on. Dully punching in the code to Karter's private elevator, I leaned against the metal wall as it rose.

As I tiptoed into the living room, hoping I could shed my winter clothes and get back into bed without him noticing, the lamp on the table next to the couch clicked on, scaring the shit out of me.

"Karter!" I gasped out, clutching my chest.

"Was the bus late?" He wondered, but didn't apologize for scaring me.

"Ah, no. I just wanted to take a walk."

"In this weather? As sick as you are?"

I wasn't sick, but I didn't bother correcting him. Not sick in the way he was thinking, anyway.

"Yeah. I-I needed fresh air," I lied.

"You could have asked me to come with you," he said. "I don't like the idea of you roaming the streets alone, especially this early."

"I did it a lot before I met you," I pointed out.

"That was before me," he countered. "Now I don't want you doing things like that."

"Well, I wanted to be alone."

He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head. "Since when do you ever want to be alone?"

"Just… Sometimes." I could barely get the words out without stuttering.

"You know something, Cameron? You're a really terrible liar."

"What am I lying about?" I asked, only because I had no defense to the statement.

"I don't know, but you've been acting weird since last night. And I know you were bullshitting me this morning, trying to get me to stay home. Which I let you do, because I was curious what you were up to. But I see now that I should have followed you."

I shook my head, the idea of him catching me in person taking a pregnancy test too horrible for me to even imagine. "It's not whatever you're thinking."

"I'm not thinking anything," he said. His voice was so calm and so even. It was almost worse than if he'd been yelling. "I just need to understand what's going on."

He wasn't giving me an out. He was demanding that I tell him the truth right now, which I totally hadn't prepared for. But I didn't have a choice. I knew I couldn't make anything up because then he'd know and it would only make everything worse. But I couldn't help but feel that I was signing my death warrant.

Everything I'd been loving about my life lately was going to come crashing down around me. And then where would I be? Where would Ty be? He was so happy and so secure, and if Karter wanted to break up because of this, then I'd be snatching that away from him. I was a terrible parent, always screwing up. I couldn't do anything right.

At that moment the gravity of everything sank in, drowning me in fear and misery. I was pregnant, again. I had no idea what was going to happen or how I was going to provide for it. And this time I didn't even have the excuse of being a dumb teenager.

Tears welled in my eyes, and my chest started to pound. My breath started to clog in my throat, and I couldn't pull enough air in to fill my lungs. My hands started to shake, and a dizziness so intense I nearly crumbled crashed over me.

Karter was up off the couch like he'd been fired from a cannon, rushing over to me. "Is it that serious?" He asked incredulously, his eyes raking me all over as if to find the source of my sudden behavior.

"I… I'm pretty sure I'm having a panic attack," I informed him, between rapid panting. I was freezing all over, then burning hot, then freezing again.

His eyebrows raised, and I could see a sliver of the panic coursing through me appear in his eyes. "I don't really know what to do," he said, but he nudged me to the couch so I could collapse onto it. I curled into myself, raising my knees to my chest. "Should I bring you something?" He asked, his worry for me evident in his voice. Would he be worried if he knew what I'd done?

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed. "I just… I'm really sorry. You're going to hate me."

"Hey." He sank down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders to pull me to him. "I could never hate you. You know that."

"I really, really screwed up." I pulled away, out of his arms only because I knew I wouldn't live through it if he ended up pulling away from me once I told him what was going on.

"Did you…" He hesitated, and I knew he was thinking the absolute worst. "Did you do something behind my back?"

I shook my head, sniffling. I almost wanted to laugh. Probably just hysteria. "No, you were definitely there."

"Whatever happened, it's okay," he said. "We'll figure it out."

"Okay." We were quiet for a while. I wasn't sure how much time passed, but I got to a point where I could breathe and talk. I couldn't delay it any longer, and even if I could, I didn't want to. "But I need to explain myself first."

Taking in a deep breath, I prepared for everything to change.