Chapter 19

Nineteen

Alaska's powder blue eyes sparkled, burning like kindling against the darkness, her magic radiating from her hands, mimicking her irises. It was the visual confirmation I needed to whisk her into the shadows and unleash my devilish desires.

Her mouth remained open, her poppy-colored lips inviting mine to join them. As I leaned in to kiss her, she turned her head away, my lips landing on her soft rosy cheek. My jaw clenched, knowing where her thoughts lingered.

"We can't," she whispered, her breathing slightly raised. I lowered my head, reluctantly releasing her chin. Her hands clasped mine, pulling me back to her. "You know how I feel about you, Lazarus, but Cain—"

"Don't." I cut her words off at the sound of his name. "I've respected your choice to keep this what it"s been for a long time," I looked at Alaska, her colored fringe framing her face perfectly, "but it's agonizing having to watch you with him. You spend your days pretending with him but fill your nights tangled with me. You can't just keep dragging us both along." I lowered my head disappointed in myself. "I thought I could handle being your secret, but after everything you said last night…" I hesitated for a moment, remembering her words. "You possess my thoughts and my dreams, always there in my mind. My heart aches for you, Alaska. Every beat is this unbearable craving I have but can never fulfill because you choose to stay with him. I can't stand being apart from you. It drives me insane." She stared at me, eyes wide. "I am yours, Alaska… but you are not mine. You"re his, and I want more. I need more."

"I can't give you more." Her voice was weak and pained.

"Why?" I pleaded, clutching her hands. "Why can't you just leave him?" Alastair snorted, reminding me to pull my temper back.

"I just can't, Lazarus. What you want can only be in our dreams," Alaska snapped, lowering her head. "I've been with him for so long, and he's just…. I know it's wrong, but—"

"See? You said it yourself. It's wrong. He's wrong for you. You know it. You don't want to be with him, so why are you? Why stay? Just leave him."

"You don't know him like I do!" She raised her voice, ripping her hands from mine as a single tear fell from her eyes. Her hands burned, balled into fists at her side, glowing brighter than I had ever seen them. Her face was painted with multiple emotions: anger, sadness, fear.

"Dreamer?" I tilted her face up, staring into her reddened eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to upset you. I just…" I sighed. "I just want you. All of you."

"I can't give you what you want." She sniffled. "He…" Her words trailed off as she tried to look away.

My hands cradled her face, gently forcing it back to face me. "He what?" Her expression changed, breaking as she refused to answer me. Her behavior had always made me question Cain's aggression, the way she flinched when he slammed that rock into the lock earlier, her uneasiness to leave the room without his approval. It all but confirmed my suspicions of how he treated her when no one was looking. My arms flexed as I fought back my anger, my jaw clenching as I spoke to her.

"Alaska, tell me the truth. Does he hurt you?" Her eyes widened with fear as she shook her head in response. Anger bubbled in my chest at her reaction, dreading the answer. "Don't lie to me, darling. Tell me the truth. Does. Cain. Hurt. You?" I demanded, dreading the words.

Another tear rushed down her reddened cheek. "I—," She hesitated. "It has only happened a few times." The painful whisper stabbed my heart, and fury boiled in my veins as my muscles tightened with wrath. I knew it.

"When?" I growled. The idea of him putting hands on Alaska, on mywoman—it was wrong. He had no right.

"Lazarus, please, he—"

"When?" Alastair barked at my raised voice, but I couldn't control myself. My body was flooded with rage.

"Last week!" she shouted, tears flowing from her eyes. "Last week. That's why–that's why I stood you up." The pain she visibly showed softened my touch as I realized the burden she was carrying and how my reaction must've made her feel. My shoulders relaxed as I tried to calm down, swallowing my anger, filled with shame.

"I didn't want you to know," she sniffled. "He was mad at me for working so much—for being away from him. I tried to calm him down, but you've seen how he gets. That anger… there's no stopping it once it starts!" She rubbed her eyes, her skin flushing at the roughness. "I can't leave him. If I do, he'll hurt me. Even if I run away, he'll still find a way to get to me. You know he will. That's why I can't be with you, Lazarus. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't." Alaska sobbed her words up at me, pushing my hands back as she slammed her fists into my chest with each beat of her voice. "Even if my heart aches and longs for you. I'm starving to be free of him and give myself fully to you, but I can't! I'm trapped, Lazarus!" she cried. I grabbed her arms and yanked her close as I hugged her tightly, stroking her hair. "I'm broken, Lazarus." Her voice was muffled as she spoke into my chest, tears soaking my shirt. "Damaged. You may think you want me, but you don't. He's defiled me with his venom as my soul rots from the inside out. I can never give you what you want because I can never be free." My heart shattered at her harrowing words.

"Alaska," I pulled her from my chest and stared into her eyes, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not damaged. You are not poisoned. You are perfect, and I want you exactly as you are." My mouth slammed down onto hers, the saltiness of her tears mixing with our saliva as I kissed her fiercely, unable to hold back my emotions.

"I–" she breathed against my lips. "I want you too," she whined. "I just—"

"Don't." I reluctantly broke my mouth from hers, pulling back. "I'm sorry for being a selfish prick. I'll stay your secret as long as you want me to. But Alaska," my gaze darkened, "if he touches you again, hurts you in any way, or even makes you feel unsafe…" She listened to my words carefully. "I'll kill him."

And I meant it.