Chapter 18

EIGHTEEN

DEV

I felt raw and strange after telling Tully about Matt, but it had helped me process the guilt I still felt. For the first time since Matt’s death, I had the promise of a family again. I had someone depending on me. And I felt okay about it.

Maybe better than okay.

Lellie slept with her head against the side of the car seat. Kenji had returned to his seat after Tully had walked back to use the bathroom and let him know it was safe to return up front.

“She’s beautiful, Dev,” Kenji said with his usual calm voice.

Our trusty assistant rarely delved into personal commentary. He was the most professional person I knew and took pride in keeping our lives in order and his role clearly defined. While he wasn’t officially one of the brotherhood, he was an invaluable member of our group, and I wished he took more opportunities to own his place among us.

“Thank you. I agree.”

“You’re keeping her.”

Kenji had an uncanny way of knowing what was up before the rest of us did, so I wasn’t surprised he’d been able to figure out my change of plan.

“Yeah. I couldn’t stomach allowing someone else to raise her. She deserves to be loved and nurtured, valued and encouraged. I know I can give her that.” I smoothed back a wayward curl on her head. “And I’m lucky enough to already have the support of an incredible group of friends and family.”

He nodded. Glints of his ebony hair caught the sunlight slanting in from the window as he tilted his chin toward the back of the plane where Tully had gone. “He going to be able to give her up?”

I was confused by the question. “He doesn’t have a stake in this.”

Kenji pressed his lips together and nodded but didn’t speak.

I tried explaining. “He was never on the list of possible parents. Katie faced career challenges as a single mom, and she knew that no matter how much Tully cares about Lellie, making partner at his law firm is his priority.”

Kenji’s eyes narrowed so slightly that if I didn’t know him well, I wouldn’t have noticed.

“What?” I asked, throwing up my hands. “Jesus, just say it.”

“He loves her.”

There was no doubt about that. “Yes. Definitely. And he’s welcome to continue loving her. Visiting her. Keeping in touch with how she’s doing.” I looked back at Lellie.

Kenji’s only response was a thoughtful “Hmmm,” but it made me scowl in response.

“If you have a point to make, you’re going to have to give me more than a disapproving hum,” I said.

“I was just thinking about how priorities change, that’s all. And that it’s a good idea to give the people you care about options .”

I shook my head. “Still not getting it.”

Kenji studied me for another minute before retrieving his tablet, tapping on it a few times, and handing it to me.

I looked at an email app. “What is this?”

“The email account Katie and I set up when she found out she was pregnant.”

I stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“You asked me to coordinate any legal situations that might arise,” he reminded me. “So I got in touch with Katie to make sure she had my contact info. When she learned she was pregnant, she kept me in the loop. She knew you didn’t want to know… but she thought there might come a point you changed your mind. I kept in touch, checking in regularly and ensuring all was well. She sent these sweet updates, sharing ultrasound photos and anecdotes since we’d sort of become friends at that point. So I set up an email address where she could chronicle things for you in case you ever wanted to see them someday. This is everything she ever sent.”

There were at least a hundred emails here, if not more. “Kenji…” I whispered.

“There are photos and her birth story. I know that for sure. And then there are a few she marked for your eyes only, so I didn’t read them.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The scope of it, the sheer number of messages and photos she’d sent, was overwhelming. Why in the world had she done this? I didn’t deserve it.

Kenji’s voice was soothing. “Katie wanted you to know you were Lellie’s father regardless of where you were in the world or how you felt about it. She wanted to make sure you didn’t miss it if you ever wanted to claim her.”

“She was right,” I breathed, staring at the screen. “I do regret not being involved in Lellie’s life. I hate that I missed all these milestones.”

“Katie gave you a choice, even though you were really adamant about what you thought you wanted,” Kenji said pointedly.

“She did,” I agreed, and the knowledge made my heart squeeze with a bittersweet combination of gratitude and grief.

Kenji huffed out a breath like I was missing whatever point he was trying to make. “Dev…” Before he could say whatever it was he intended to say, Tully reappeared.

He glanced between Kenji and me. “Want me to sit in the back and give you some time?”

Kenji lifted an eyebrow at me, but I shook my head. “Sit,” I said. “Kenji just told me about an email account Katie sent messages to about Lellie. Did you know about this?”

I could tell from the frown lines this was the first he was hearing about it. “No. What kind of messages? Was she trying to get in touch with you?”

“No, no.” I explained how the account had come about and pointed at the screen with all the messages.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” he said with a soft smile. “She was very grateful to you for helping her.”

The guilt gnawed at me. “I owed her a favor. When I applied to college, she got her father and grandparents to write me recommendations, not only for admission but also for scholarships. And she’s the one who found scholarships for me to apply to. Without that, I never would have been able to go to Yale. Katie changed my life.”

I tried not to think about how that single decision had led to the death of my brother. It was impossible now to wish for things to have changed. If they had, Lellie might not have been conceived, and how could I ever wish for that?

“Do you want time to read through them?” Tully asked, nodding at the screen.

“Not now. I’m not…” I let out a huff of laughter. “I’m not feeling strong enough to go down that rabbit hole.”

I handed the tablet back to Kenji, knowing he would send me the credentials to take ownership of the email account.

After clearing my throat, I changed the subject slightly. “Did you schedule a meeting with the trusts and estate attorney about changing my will?” I asked Kenji. “I need to make sure Lellie is protected.”

“I can look over whatever they come up with,” Tully offered. “And you might want to continue using Katie’s wealth manager or find your own. Eleven million dollars would be a lot to handle by yourself.”

Kenji and I exchanged a look. “Uh… yeah,” I agreed. “Good call. Definitely someone will have to manage it.”

Tully narrowed his eyes and glanced between us. “What? What am I missing?”

I opened my mouth to tell him it was nothing when I caught another of Kenji’s judgmental looks.

I sighed. He was right. There was no good reason why I couldn’t admit the truth about Lellie’s trust fund. I’d gotten to a point after Matt’s death where I was afraid of my wealth and the damage it could cause, ashamed of the damage it had done. But I knew Tully wouldn’t feel that way. I wasn’t sure I felt that way myself anymore.

“I already have a wealth manager,” I admitted slowly. “Lellie’s trust fund came from me.”

Tully’s surprise was colored with confusion. “But I thought you didn’t know about Lellie.”

“I didn’t. But I knew there might be a baby, and I wanted to contribute to their financial security. That was one of the reasons I put Katie in touch with Kenji.”

Tully glanced at Kenji. “You arranged it?”

He nodded. “Dev instructed me to set up a trust for any child or children that resulted from the arrangement. Once Lellie was born, the money was transferred over.”

Tully was clearly shocked. “So… millions of dollars were transferred out of your account and into Lellie’s trust.”

Kenji and I both nodded.

“And you didn’t notice and say, ‘Ah, there must be a baby’?” he demanded, looking at me.

I shook my head.

“Holy shit.” Tully ran a hand through his styled hair. “You weren’t kidding when you said you had money.”

I felt Kenji’s eyes on me, so I shook my head as subtly as I could. “No, I wasn’t.”

I could tell Tully wanted to know more but was too polite to ask. Part of me wished I could explain that the source of my money and the sheer size of it were secrets that weren’t only mine to share. After Matt’s death, the brotherhood had agreed to put a lid on the wealth we’d made from selling the emergency traffic control system we’d developed in college. I’d put a lot of it into charitable trusts and endowments, but there was so much of it, the money I had left continued to grow at a rate I studiously ignored.

Tully moved his hand like he was going to reach for mine but stopped when he remembered Kenji was with us. I quickly reached for his hand anyway and squeezed it. Kenji didn’t seem surprised by the intimacy.

Tully’s cheeks were a little flushed. I couldn’t tell if he was hot, frustrated, or embarrassed. I hoped it wasn’t the latter because I took comfort in feeling his hand in mine right now.

“That was good of you,” he said softly. “To make sure your daughter was taken care of that way.”

I snorted. “I think a good parent would have been involved in his daughter’s life from the beginning. Setting up a trust fund was the very least I could do for my child.”

Tully and Kenji exchanged a look, and both laughed out loud.

“Remind me to have words with my parents,” Tully said.

“Same,” Kenji added, shaking his head with mock severity. “Setting up a trust fund was the very least they could have done.”

I kicked his shiny and probably very expensive shoe with my boot. “I meant for me . Obviously. In my situation.”

“I know.” Kenji patted my arm. “We were just teasing.”

After a few moments, I asked, “Do you think Katie resented me for not wanting anything to do with the pregnancy and the baby?”

Tully immediately shook his head. “Nope. She was grateful to you for giving her Lellie, and she wanted you to have the option of getting involved because she cared about you, but Katie was also grateful that she was able to solo parent her. One of our coworkers dealt with constant co-parenting stress after a contentious divorce, and Katie definitely didn’t want to have to deal with that.”

I knew he was right. Katie had explained to me how seriously she’d taken the decision to become a single parent. But I still worried I’d let her down.

Kenji added his own reassurance. “You’ll see when you read her messages. She was grateful. She was also happy, Dev. Very happy.”

“It couldn’t have been easy,” I murmured.

“No,” Kenji said. “I’m sure it wasn’t. But she had resources. That’s more than a lot of single parents have.”

Tully agreed and added, “And you’ll obviously have the same.”

Kenji clasped both of his hands together over the tablet in his lap. “You might consider hiring Indigo.”

“Right,” I said with a laugh. “Stoner kid?”

Tully’s hand tightened around mine. “Kenji’s right. That kid has spent the past three years working part-time at a preschool as part of his early childhood education program.”

“Wait, Indigo got his degree in early childhood education? You’re kidding.”

“He’s not,” Kenji said. “You know I did a full background check on him before letting Way bring him onto the ranch. He graduated with a degree in early childhood education. His references from the preschool were stellar. They love him and have tried to hire him permanently.”

That was surprising. I would have thought Indigo was more likely to find himself a VW bus and tour the country following a Grateful Dead cover band… but if there was one thing I was learning this week it was that it was really shitty to judge people based on what you thought you knew about them.

Tully explained what he’d learned about Indigo’s love of outdoor adventures and how much he appreciated the opportunity to live close to so many mountain sports. “Besides,” he continued, “Lellie likes him. The other day, he sang her songs about mushrooms that made her giggle.”

I snorted. “Were they ‘special mushrooms’?” I teased.

The edge of Tully’s mouth lifted. “Maybe.”

Kenji grinned.

I blew out a breath and considered it. He was a nice, easygoing guy who definitely cared a lot about doing the right thing. His stress and concern after Trigger’s incident proved it. After a few minutes, I muttered, “Songs, plural? Who knows multiple songs about mushrooms?”

Tully huffed out a laugh. “A vegan with an agenda?”

Kenji said, “He also plays guitar. Or so Silas says. Which reminds me, Zane told me to tell you that he’s thinking about performing with some friends at the Factory in Dallas in a couple weeks, so maybe you can catch up with him there. He was hoping to see you when he’s in Majestic for the AdventureSmash concert, but I told him you might not be back by then.”

“Shit. I forgot all about the concert.” Zane was scheduled to headline the event, which had been planned to coincide with one of the AdventureSmash races taking place near Three Daughters. “I thought Zane was planning to visit family in Georgia after that.”

“He was, but when he found out you might miss him in Majestic, he decided he’d come to you in Dallas if he had to.”

“Wow,” Tully said, eyebrows lifted. “You said your friend Zane had his music, but I didn’t realize he was good enough to play at the Factory. What does he play?”

While I tried to figure out how to tell Tully my friend Zane was a famous musician without sounding like a douche, Kenji tapped his tablet and handed it over. It showed the Wikimedia page for Zee Barlo, which featured a photo of him from the Billboard Music Awards.

Instead of the usual reaction of widening eyes and some form of “You’re friends with Zee Barlo?” Tully seemed to shut completely down.

“Oh,” was all he said before releasing my hand and turning to look out the window.

I glanced at Kenji in hopes he might understand why Tully’s reaction had been so strange, but Kenji looked just as confused as I was.

“So…” I began. “If we can make the timing work for one of those events, I’d love for you to meet him, Tully.”

Tully nodded at the clouds outside the window. “Sure… Maybe.”

I glanced at Kenji again, who took it as a silent request to vacate the premises. Once he was gone, I moved to kneel on the floor in front of him before reaching for his hands. I tried to be as gentle as possible, watching him closely for any hints of what he was thinking. “Hey. What just happened?”

He glanced over to Kenji’s empty seat before responding. “I just feel like I don’t know you at all, Dev. And it makes me feel ridiculous. I had this… idea in my head of who you are, and now I’m discovering things about you that make me feel like… maybe you’re a completely different person.”

“I’m a different person because I have a famous friend?”

“No. It’s not that. I don’t care that you’re friends with Zee Barlo. It’s really great, actually. I’d love to meet him. But you’ve never talked about him. I’ve lived with you for almost two weeks now, and you… you’re like a fucking puzzle box with latches and locks. I thought you were this smart, quiet ranch hand, but every time I turn around, I feel like I’m accidentally finding out big things that change my perception of you. I thought you were a scholarship kid like me, and now I discover you’re a millionaire.”

“I was a scholarship kid. And Tully, I hate to break it to you, but you’re a high-powered attorney at a big Dallas law firm.”

“Yeah, I get it. But I don’t have enough money to give someone millions of dollars without even knowing I did it. Jesus fuck. And it’s not the money. It’s not. It’s…” He pulled a hand out of my grip and waved it around. “It’s the not knowing. It’s the fact I’ve learned all this shit unintentionally. Like you don’t want me to know anything, and I feel like I’m intruding by learning it anyway.”

I reached for his fluttering hand and brought it to my lips. I hated seeing him agitated, but most of all, I hated that he was right. “It’s not about you,” I assured him. “I started realizing this week that I’ve been keeping people I care about at arm’s length for a long time. I figured the fewer close attachments I had, the easier my life would be. You know that Silas, Zane, and our friends Bash and Landry are the nearest thing I have to family, right? But I didn’t even tell them I’d agreed to help Katie conceive until a few days ago.” I shook my head ruefully. “I don’t want to do that anymore. So if you have questions, ask them, and I’ll answer…” I thought about my agreement with the brotherhood and added, “…as long as the answer doesn’t involve other people. What do you want to know?”

Tully’s cheeks were deeper pink now, and I was beginning to realize he’d been upset since before the subject of Zane had come up.

He took a breath and exhaled slowly. The edge of his lips turned up, surprising me. “I want to know if you like… like me, like me.”

I blinked at him.

His cheeks darkened. “I want to know if I’m the only one who…”

I lurched forward and kissed him on the lips. Hard. “Fuck no,” I breathed against his lips. “Not the only one.”

He moved his hands up to clasp my face so he could kiss me more. I could taste a hint of cheddar Goldfish crackers on his tongue, which made me laugh. I pulled back from the kiss. “Lellie didn’t have anything crunchy to eat earlier because you stole her fucking snack, you shit!”

“They’re made with something nefarious, Devon,” he said earnestly. “It’s like… crack or meth or something, I don’t know. It’s not my fault. Blame the fish.”

I leaned in and kissed him again before murmuring in his ear. “I want you in every way. I’ll do better at trying to be open with you. I promise.”

He shuddered and leaned closer. “Just talk to me. I want to know you—the real you, not the one in my head.”

“Talk to you…” I tried to think of how I could prove myself to him, show him I was willing to open up more and allow myself to be more vulnerable. “I’m… I’m terrified of my parents finding out about Lellie, but I also want them to meet her. I think part of me imagines they’ll suddenly forgive me for Matt’s death and want to be part of my life again if they learn they have a grandchild.”

Tully took a few moments to consider it. “What would your ideal scenario look like moving forward? If they accepted her… and you… would you change your mind about moving back to Texas?”

I shook my head. “Definitely not. I’m building the house in Majestic, and I know it’s the right place for Lellie and me.”

“So then you’d visit. And they could visit. You’ve already established money isn’t an issue for you. But your money is an issue with them. How would that work?”

We continued to talk it through until Lellie began to stir. Tully stood up to unlatch the buckles of her car seat while I searched for the backpack with her diaper supplies.

“One more thing,” Tully said. “If you do decide to work things out with your parents, pay attention to whether you’re doing it because it’s what you actually want or because it’s what you feel like you ‘should’ be doing. My mom spent a lot of years begging me to reconcile with my father. She used to say, ‘He’s your father,’ as if that was enough reason to put up with his bull…” His eyes slipped to Lellie. “Malarky. It took me a long time to figure out that being a father was more than donating DNA, and if he wasn’t going to act like a father, I wasn’t going to treat him like one.”

Tully’s words stayed with me as we landed and made our way to Katie’s house in Uptown. It was an adorable historic home that she’d taken great pride in fixing up after law school. I wondered if I should try to hang on to it for Lellie or sell it. Tully would probably have good advice on the subject, but it was definitely too soon to bring up the idea of selling her house.

Kenji managed to bring half the suitcases in without breaking a sweat, whereas I felt like a soppy mess. My shirt was covered in sticky handprints, spilled coffee, and sweat, and I was desperate for a shower.

“We need to leave for the clinic in an hour,” Kenji reminded me. “I’ll arrange for a pickup.”

Tully nodded toward the driveway. “There’s a garage in the back. Katie’s Range Rover should be in it. We can use that.”

Kenji allowed Tully to show him around upstairs so he could deposit the luggage accordingly. Meanwhile, I was dealing with a sudden and unexpected situation.

“Mama!” Lellie cried as soon as she realized where she was. “Mama!” She squirmed to get down and surprised me by running immediately to a toy box in the corner of the living room instead of somewhere she expected Katie to be lurking.

She busied herself with her toys, pulling out a brightly colored plastic music keyboard and a wooden sorting box. One by one, she brought them over to show me, chatting happily, if unintelligibly, about each one.

I let out a sigh of relief for the temporary reprieve, even though I now realized I’d need to expect more moments of confusion like this.

Tully returned to the living room and asked how I was doing.

“I feel so stupid. I should have known she’d wonder where Katie was when she came here,” I said before lowering my voice. “But I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know what’s appropriate to say to her about Katie’s death.”

“The attorney I recommended is going to meet us at the clinic. Susanna might have some good resources.”

I blew out another breath, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Before I could ask Tully to watch Lellie while I cleaned up, Tully grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. “You’re doing well. I promise.” He pressed a kiss to my ear. “It would be hard for anyone. Just keep caring about her the way you do and go easy on yourself.”

I fought back the sting of emotions for the millionth time that day. “Thank you.”

When he pulled away, I suddenly realized he’d left his luggage by the front door. “Oh… are you… I guess…” I scrambled to figure out how to act casual and still beg him to stay. “You’ll want to go to your place?”

“I assumed I’d go home, yes.”

“Right.” I cleared my throat. “Of course.”

His bright eyes took on a teasing glint. “Unless you want me to?—”

“Fuck, yes. Yes, please,” I blurted before he’d even finished the sentence.

He laughed and leaned in again, teasing me with the barest brush of his lips on mine. I grumbled and lurched forward, demanding more for a few precious moments before pulling away. “I’m filthy. Would you mind keeping an eye on her while I shower?”

Kenji walked in, looking as crisp and fresh as always. “I’ll watch her while both of you shower. Think she’ll let me brush her hair?”

“No!” Tully and I both barked in unison. Lellie hated the hairbrush.

Kenji held up both palms. “Okay, fine. It’s just that I suspect the Scotts are going to take this opportunity of showing up so they can put eyes on her. We want to make sure there’s nothing they can point to as evidence you’re not a good parent.”

“You’re welcome to try,” I said, telling him where to find what he needed. Then I grabbed Tully’s hand and dragged him up the stairs and into the guest room.

The shower was quick but very productive. When I returned downstairs in clean clothes, I not only felt refreshed but also relaxed. Tully and I had gotten each other off before scrubbing each other down, a regime I recommended with a full and hearty five stars.

When we entered the living room, Lellie’s hair was immaculately combed. The curls were adorable instead of haystack-esque, while Kenji appeared to be serenely scrolling through his cell phone.

“How in the world…” Tully murmured.

“Yeah, what’s your secret with the hair?” I demanded.

Kenji looked up. “I told her it wasn’t time for Lellie’s hair brushing but that her stuffed tiger would look extra special if I brushed its hair. And then I made a big deal about how much Tiger loved having her hair brushed and how she looked so beautiful she would probably get to bring one of her toys in the car when we go for a ride. By the way, Lellie is bringing Tiger and the music toy, so don’t praise me too much.”

While we loaded up the car, I realized I was feeling much better about the trip to the clinic. Even though I dreaded seeing the Scotts, I was looking forward to getting one step closer to proving I was Lellie’s father and the best person to raise her.

It only took half an hour before my optimism died a quick and sudden death.

When it wasn’t just the Scotts waiting outside the paternity clinic but my parents, too.