Chapter 14

FOURTEEN

DEV

It was a mistake. Of course it was a mistake. But I couldn’t bring myself to regret it.

Touching Tully—tasting him, teasing him, making him come—was worth any amount of complication it would cause between us in regards to Lellie.

I’d fantasized about him too long and too often to chastise myself for taking what I wanted one more time.

The scent of him surrounded me as I pulled off his softening cock and resisted pressing a kiss to the tender skin of his inner thigh.

Tully’s hands gentled in my hair as his breathing settled. “ Fuck ,” he said in a voice hoarse from blowing me earlier.

But I didn’t want his gentleness. Not now. I needed to get the hell away from him before taking everything he was willing to give me.

I was still smarting from his implication I was a poor choice of parent for Lellie. I understood it came from his anger and resentment toward my decision not to keep her, but it still cut deep.

It still mingled with the existing insecurities I had… and it festered.

“We should get some sleep,” I said, pushing off the sofa, away from his tempting bare body.

“W-what?”

I didn’t dare look at him. “Morning comes early around here,” I mumbled, grabbing up my clothes and shoving my legs into my boxer briefs.

“What about you? You didn’t?—”

“Nah. I’m good.”

“Dev.”

I ignored the confusion in his tone, the hurt. “Good night, Tully.”

His silence battered me as I walked away, feeling like the worst kind of asshole on the planet. But he was too tempting, and I was too mixed up in my head to stay with him, skin-on-skin and vulnerable. Surely, he’d be able to feel from my touch, from the noises I made, just how much I wanted him and just how much I’d be willing to sacrifice for more time with him.

But it would be like pouring oil on an already slippery slope.

I quickly hid myself in my bed, trying my hardest to ignore the sounds of him eventually sneaking past me to visit the bathroom and returning to the living room a few minutes later. After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning—silently, so as not to wake the sleeping toddler in her crib—I finally couldn’t stand it.

I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door. My cock hadn’t been able to stop replaying the taste and feel of Tully in my mouth, the sounds he made, and the salty-sweet scent of his skin. I grabbed the body lotion on the counter and shoved down my boxer briefs. The sound of my fist shuttling over my slick cock was obscene and desperate. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, but I came to the image of Tully on his back for me.

After, I cleaned up quickly and snuck back to my bed. Sleep came easy after that, and morning came way too soon.

Once again, I snuck out, only this time, it was for ranch chores. Thankfully, Indigo was already up and mucking stalls, cheerfully humming along to music only he could hear.

I got to work checking and feeding the pregnant mares first. Then I moved to the other horses in the barn who needed special care. Indigo periodically asked questions, but he seemed to follow directions well enough, seeing to the regular ranch horses out in the near paddock.

Things would most likely go back to being awkward between Tully and me after last night, but maybe that was for the best. It was getting harder and harder to keep my physical and emotional distance from him, and I needed to. He was going to head back to Texas and his career sometime soon.

One night this week while making dinner, we’d had a conversation about his job at the firm and how hard he worked. The passion in his voice when he’d spoken about the intellectual challenges of structuring large estates had been palpable. There’d even been a point during which I’d almost wished I was back living in Texas, just so I could hire him to manage my legal business.

That was ridiculous, of course. I wouldn’t move back to Texas for all the money in the world—not that I needed money. Being so close to my parents geographically would make their absence in my life unavoidable. And if I already felt their blame and disapproval from this far away, I couldn’t imagine how suffocating it would be if I was back in Dallas.

Not that Tully would want me there anyway. He was more likely to join my parents in shunning me.

As I worked, I let the thoughts and feelings hit me without trying to dismiss or brush them off. My friends had forced me into therapy after Matt died, and I’d learned the best way to get through grief and pain was to let the emotions come, but I had to admit I didn’t always feel capable of it.

It might work… but it was sure-as-shit uncomfortable.

After finishing my chores, I told Indigo I was heading to the main ranch house for a bit to talk to Silas before coming back to help feed the rest of the stock. It was early enough that Lellie was probably still asleep, but I knew Way and Silas would be up.

I took the utility vehicle down the dirt track to their place, imagining the thousands of times Fletchers had traveled the same path between home and the main barn. When I arrived, Way and Silas were on the front porch drinking coffee.

Silas took one look at me and turned to whisper something in Way’s ear. Way nodded, waved to me, and headed inside.

“You didn’t have to send him away,” I said after joining him on the porch.

He ignored my comment. “You want coffee?”

I raised my travel mug. “Just refilled it before coming over.”

“You finally going to explain what’s going on with the hottie?”

I kept my eyes trained across the land I’d just driven over. The large bulk of the old barn was visible through a stand of trees in the distance. “We hooked up.”

“Last night?”

“No, I mean…” I realized that was a lie. “Well, yes. That, too.”

Silas quirked an eyebrow.

I took a sip of coffee and savored the flavor before swallowing. “Two years ago. When I was in town to help Katie get pregnant. She had a party. He was there. We hooked up.”

Silas nodded. “Okay. Is it making things awkward? Is that the problem?”

I shrugged. “It’s definitely not making things easy,” I admitted.

“Ah,” Silas said knowingly. “You have feelings for him.”

I looked out again, this time glancing west toward the triple peaks of Three Daughters. This land was so beautiful, so peaceful, it still stole my breath sometimes. “Big feelings,” I finally said.

His eyebrows lifted. “Wow. I can’t believe you just admitted that out loud.”

I glanced at him and let a smile tug at my lips. “Me neither.”

“You must really need advice,” he teased.

I simply nodded.

Silas took a breath. “Dev, last year, when I came here after Way… I thought I had it all figured out. I had my career, my friends, my home back in New York. Above all, I had my pride. I was in control.”

I let out a soft snort.

Silas grinned and pointed at me. “Exactly. That’s exactly right. I didn’t have anything under control because the minute I met that sexy cowboy at a bar in Vegas, my future was suddenly and irrevocably out of my hands. And everyone knows I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

“My situation is hardly the same. It’s not like Tully is my… Waylon.”

“Who says he’s not?”

“For one, he lives in Dallas.”

Silas flapped his hand dismissively. “I lived in New York. Apparently, there’s such a thing as a cross-country move.”

I shook my head. “Not for this guy. His identity is all wrapped up in making partner at a big-city firm. He does trusts and estate law. It’s not like there’s work for him in Majestic. And you know I won’t go back to Texas.”

He shrugged. “I never thought I’d move to rural Wyoming, but never say never, right?”

“He’s also angry with me about the custody thing. He thinks I should keep Lellie.”

Silas’s gaze sometimes felt like a boat anchor. “We all think that.”

I opened my mouth to argue with him, but he held up a hand to stop me.

“Don’t,” he said. “It’s a load of bullshit, and we both know it. I get that you’re still mourning Matt’s death. It was awful. But it was an accident. And the idea that you might let an accident keep you from giving Lellie the most loving future possible pisses me the fuck off. You want to know why? It’s not even because I care about her, though I do. It’s because I care about you . And I know you need that girl of yours. You need her to teach you how to be a family again, how real families are supposed to be. How true parental love is unconditional.”

“I already have a family, and it’s you assholes,” I said, speaking of him and the rest of the brotherhood. Even I noticed how petulant I sounded.

Silas nodded. “Definitely. And we’ll always be your family. Which means we’ll always be here for you and Lellie. You won’t be doing this alone.”

“Doesn’t she deserve a mother?”

“Absolutely. And she had one. You’ll make sure she knows all about Katie as she grows up. That’s something you can do because you knew her. It’s not something a random couple from Atlanta can do for her. Besides, you implied you might be okay with Way and me taking her, and we certainly can’t provide her with a mother. So that’s clearly not a true concern.” He bumped his arm into mine. “Now, get your head out of your ass and commit to your daughter so we can let Jo Blake loose on decorating Lellie’s room in your new house.”

I had to admit that sounded fun. And thinking about being there for Lellie’s milestones was even more exciting. But I also knew from some of the things Tully had said about Katie that being a single parent could be exhausting, nerve-racking, and isolating, even if you had plenty of money.

“I’ll think about it,” I said, standing up and stretching. “Thank you for being here. For helping me feel like I could do it.”

Silas stood up and yanked me in for a hug. He wasn’t usually demonstrative, so the gesture took me by surprise. Thankfully, my travel mug was empty, or I would have sloshed coffee all over both of us.

“You have a lot of love to give, Dev. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their dad.” His voice was gritty with emotion and hit me right in the solar plexus.

“Thanks,” I managed before pulling away, nodding awkwardly, and heading for the utility vehicle.

“Hold up,” Way called, jogging down the porch steps. “Mind giving me a ride? I told Indigo I’d help with the morning feed so you can get back to Lellie.”

I nodded and climbed into the driver’s seat before turning the vehicle around and heading for the barn. When we arrived, Way took off with Indigo toward the farther pastures while I headed up to the apartment.

Tully had Lellie on one hip while he scrambled eggs with his free hand. He was shirtless and sleepy-faced. His hair stuck up on one side, and his voice was scratchy as he murmured to her about breakfast.

My heart took a wild detour toward fantasies of domestic bliss for a split second until I reined it in.

“Mornin’,” I called. “Thanks for getting her up.”

His eyes met mine but then skittered away as he made a sound of acknowledgment. I walked over and took her out of his arms. “You ready to get dressed while Tully finishes up?”

She tucked her head against my chest and melted my heart. I gave her a quick hug, then chuckled as she squirmed out of my hold and demanded to be put down. Jo Blake said she’d never seen a child so determined to stand on her own two feet at this age. “Stubborn,” she’d said. “Like her father.”

I’d dismissed it at the time, but maybe she was right.

Maybe Silas was, too.

Once Lellie was dressed, I brought her to the breakfast table, but as we ate, the silence between Tully and me grew excruciating. I considered ways to break the tension, but I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t offensive or ridiculous. He all but ignored me, speaking happily to Lellie and only engaging with me when absolutely necessary.

I scrambled for a way to get us all out of this. “I’m taking Lellie to Three Daughters for a hike. Would you like to come?”

Maybe if we could get away from the ranch, get outside in the summer sun, and move our bodies, we’d find a way to get past this awkward discomfort. And maybe I could ask Tully’s advice about what Silas and I had discussed.

Tully cleared his throat and refused to meet my eyes. “Thanks for including me, but I have a couple of important calls and a ton of work to catch up on. Maybe you can enjoy the day together, just the two of you.”

His rejection of my invitation stung, but I understood. Why would he want to spend the day with someone who ran hot and cold like a temperamental faucet?

After we finished eating and cleaning up, I packed up enough snacks, drinks, and supplies for an army before moving Lellie’s car seat from Tully’s rental to my SUV.

I headed into town first to Lake Sports, where I’d seen a hiking backpack that Lellie could ride in.

Jackson Painter greeted me as soon as I walked in. “Hey, Dev, who’s this?” His smile was wide for Lellie. I introduced her by name, avoiding explaining that she was my daughter. I didn’t want to have to explain the situation or deal with future questions about her when… or, okay, if … she didn’t end up staying with me.

“I came for one of those hiking backpacks I can put her in. We’re going to do that flattish trail at the base of Maude unless you have a different suggestion.”

He directed me toward the right side of the store. “No, that’s perfect. It’s only a mile to Newton Lake, and you can picnic there. Show her how to skip rocks.”

“She’s not quite sixteen months,” I told him, as though that number would have meant a damn thing to me even a few short weeks ago. “More likely to eat rocks than skip them.”

Considering her size again, he wrinkled his nose, then nodded. “Fair point. Maybe show her how you skip rocks and let her plonk them in the water.”

When I pulled down the backpack to check it out, Jackson squatted down to distract Lellie. He was all charm and sweet smiles.

“You’re good with her,” I observed. “Did you and Lake ever think about having kids?”

Jackson and his husband had been together a while, and I’d always admired their relationship.

“We’re in the process of trying to adopt,” he said, smiling back at Lellie as she waved around a colorful set of webbing straps she’d pulled off a nearby rack. “It’s not easy.”

We continued talking as I tried on the backpack and decided to buy it. It wasn’t until I was halfway down the highway toward Three Daughters that I put two and two together and considered that Jackson and Lake could be potential parents for Lellie. I admired both men and knew them to be kind and loving people, dedicated to their business and the town of Majestic. They were generous, attentive, and warm. I couldn’t imagine anyone better suited to becoming parents once I started thinking about it.

But when I made the logical leap between realizing they’d be great parents and imagining myself handing Lellie over to them, my gut roiled.

I pulled into the small parking area by the trailhead and rearranged the necessary supplies into the pockets of the backpack before pulling Lellie out of her car seat and trying to load her into the pack.

She heartily rejected the offer.

We started out with me carrying an empty backpack while Lellie toddled at her usual drunken-sailor pace down the trail.

The day was beautiful, warm and sunny without any humidity. There were wildflowers along the edges of the trail and Lellie even noticed a brightly colored butterfly. Several other visitors shared the trail with us as we made our way toward the lake. Lellie’s legs tired fairly quickly, and she allowed me to put her in the backpack so we could pick up the pace. Thankfully, the little baggie of apple slices I’d brought kept her busy long enough to get used to being in the pack.

Unfortunately, by the time I reached the lake, she was dead asleep. I carefully pulled the pack off and stood it on the grass, pulling out the old beach towel I’d brought as a makeshift picnic blanket and setting out the supplies for our lunch and a diaper change.

Once everything was set up, I carefully pulled her out of the pack and held her close as I settled onto the towel and gazed out at the lake. Another family played at the edge of the water, and their three kids alternated between laughing together and bickering.

A teenager farther down the lake shore played music from their phone while an older woman sat on a small camp chair and read a tattered paperback.

I looked down at Lellie’s face. Her dark lashes were curled against the tops of her cheeks, and her rosy lips poked out almost like a pout. Her skin was impossibly flawless and soft. I ran a thumb across her cheek and jaw to her tiny ear. What had she looked like as a newborn?

Part of me now regretted missing it. Getting to know her now with her funny personality quirks had begun to make me realize what I’d missed. She was obsessed with flowers and frogs but had a clear aversion to birds for some reason. She was obsessed with apples but detested apple juice. She loved to dance, but her version of dancing was just swaying her body without ever moving her feet.

What had she experienced in her short life that had contributed to her idiosyncrasies?

I tried to imagine her growing up within the loving embrace of Jackson and Lake. They would be the fun kind of parents who nurtured a fierce love of outdoor adventure. They’d teach her to ride a bike and swim. They’d take her to the rodeo and introduce her to everyone in town. Jackson would be the kind of parent who volunteered at school, and Lake would most likely throw himself into making adorable Halloween costumes.

What would I be like as a parent?

I was quieter and less social than they were. Yes, I loved being outside, too, but I’d be more likely to teach her to ride. To meander through the large ranch property in search of deer tracks and signs of elk. I’d spend cozy nights curled up on the sofa in front of the fire, reading books with her. Maybe it would be boring.

But maybe it would be exactly what she needed.

My brain whirred with options and various imagined scenarios until Lellie began to stir in my lap.

When she woke up, she happily ate her new favorite—PB&J—while stumbling back and forth to the water’s edge. Every time she reached the edge, she tried to lean over to pat her hand on the cold water, and every time, I had to rescue her before she fell in.

I couldn’t hold back my grin. She really was stubborn…

Like her father.

It wasn’t until we were a quarter of a mile back down the trail that she lost her good mood and dissolved into a tantrum. I tried not to take it personally, as a sign of my failure as a parent, but it was hard not to feel like I could have somehow prevented it if only I’d been more experienced.

When we got back to the vehicle, she fought me at every turn. She didn’t want the car seat. She wanted “ap-puh” and “Dah.” I tried explaining that I was out of apples, and I couldn’t hold her while I drove.

My attempts to explain things rationally weren’t well received.

Lellie cried without pause the entire ride home. My nerves were completely shot by the time I pulled off the highway and onto the ranch road. I selfishly hoped Tully would be up for taking a turn with her, or, at the very least, I hoped his familiar presence might calm her.

But when I pulled up to the parking area, Tully was hopping behind the wheel of one of the ranch trucks, completely oblivious to my arrival. It wasn’t until he pulled past me that I noticed he was hauling a trailer with a horse in it.

My horse.

Trigger.

“Hey!” I shouted, throwing my truck door open and jumping out. “Hey!”

He didn’t hear me but continued driving away, the tires from the truck and trailer throwing up dust in their wake.

My heart was in my throat. What the hell was he doing with my horse, and why hadn’t he bothered to stop and explain?

“What’s happening?” I asked when I noticed Indigo standing near the large open doors to the barn.

He looked shaken. The whites of his eyes were huge. “I-I don’t know, man. Tully said… something about colic, I think? Asked me about where we keep the medicine, but I didn’t know. I’m sorry!”

Colic?

Trigger had seemed just fine last night. He was only nine years old, in his absolute prime. The gelding was my baby. He was more important to me than anything in the world, with the very recent exception of Lellie. The idea of him suffering made me nauseous.

I opened the door and unbuckled Lellie, taking her in my arms to soothe her cries. “Does he know where to go?” I asked Indigo.

Way pulled up on a utility vehicle and thumbed in the direction of the dust plume. “Hey. If the two of you are here, who was that in the truck?”

Indigo looked like he was about to throw up, himself. “Tully. He said one of the horses was sick. I think he’s, like, taking him to the vet? He said he knew where to go.”

I explained what he’d said about Trigger and suspected colic.

Way met my eyes. “Go after him and make sure he gets there. I’ll call Pete to give him a heads-up.”

I hesitated, taking a step toward the truck before remembering I had Lellie in my arms and then doubling back. Shit .

I needed to go, but I also needed to stay.

Indigo reached for Lellie. “I can take care of her.”

I was afraid she would freak if I tried handing her off to anyone else. What kind of parent left their kid when they were upset? “Maybe I should take her with me.”

Indigo opened his mouth to speak but seemed to second-guess himself. Way didn’t show that much restraint. “No. Leave her with us, Dev. She’ll be fine. Go.”

I pressed a long kiss to her dark curls before attempting to hand her to Indigo. “Can Indigo hold you while I go find Tully, sweetheart?”

Thankfully, she didn’t fight me and went right to him, murmuring, “Tuh-wee.”

My heart cracked.

After thanking them and jumping back into the truck, I lit out after him. A million questions tumbled through my head. How did Tully know what to do? What made him react so quickly? How did he even recognize the signs of colic in a horse?

And how hadn’t I noticed them myself?

I thought back over my movements this morning and realized I’d never gone out to the paddock to check Trigger. I’d taken care of all the high-needs horses first and then run up to the ranch house.

Fuck . This was my fault.

I sped up enough on the highway to catch sight of the burgundy trailer ahead. He slowed down before the edge of town and hung a careful left at the large sign for Majestic Animal Hospital. I silently thanked Pete for making sure the signage was large and clear on the highway. Tully must have noticed it when driving between the ranch and town earlier in the week.

The large building was surrounded on one side by a fenced paddock and on the other by another fenced area for dogs.

I pulled in next to Tully and hopped out, going straight to the trailer door latch to check on Trigger.

Before Tully had a chance to say anything, Pete himself came striding out of the front door. “Way called. Let’s get him checked out.”

I appreciated his calm demeanor when all I wanted to do was scream. A nervous lump in my throat kept me from speaking, but Tully found his voice just fine.

“I saw Trigger out the window pawing the ground, turning to look at his flank, and just acting off.”

I moved up next to the horse, murmuring reassuring words as Tully continued. “When I got downstairs to take a closer look, I realized he was doing that thing where it looks like he’s trying to urinate, but nothing came out.”

As he described all the typical symptoms of colic, my heart began to beat faster with panic. We worked together to back him out of the trailer and help get him through the open bay doors on the side of the building and into Pete’s large animal exam room. Two vet techs met us. One immediately began helping Pete, and the other gently led Tully and me out of the exam room and into a quiet waiting room off the lobby before returning to help the doc.

“I should be in there with him,” I said, immediately pacing to the other side of the room.

“No. You shouldn’t.” Tully sat down on one of the chairs and rested his elbows on his knees. I realized he was dressed in the outfit I’d taken off the night before.

I stared at him. “You’re wearing my clothes.”

He looked in confusion down at the blue jeans. “Oh shit. I’d just stepped out of the shower when I glanced out the window and saw Trigger. I grabbed the nearest clothes and went running out to check. I didn’t think. Sorry.”

I waved away his concerns. “How did you know what was going on?”

He glanced up at me without smiling. “I grew up on a ranch. I’ve been around horses since I was Lellie’s age and riding since I was three.”

The words jangled between us like an old rusty can filled with bottle caps. “What?”

He rubbed his face with both hands as if he was exhausted already. Considering the recent spike in adrenaline, I wasn’t surprised. “Can we not do this right now? You’re going to say, ‘Why didn’t you say something?’ And I’m going to reply, ‘I tried. Several times.’ And then you’re going to act like even though I grew up on a ranch, I still probably don’t know beans about horses. And that’s just going to piss me off. So… can we just wait in silence until your friend has something to tell us?”

I opened my mouth to argue with him. To tell him he didn’t know me well enough to predict what I would or wouldn’t say.

But then I realized he was right. In fact, I’d done the same thing with Indigo.

I dropped into the seat next to him. “I’m grateful you noticed and acted quickly. Thank you.”

He leaned his head back and sighed. “I hope I overreacted.”

“You didn’t.”

“Okay, I hope it’s not colic or anything else serious.”

I closed my mind against all the possibilities and tried to distract myself. “Your family owned a ranch?”

He inhaled through his nose. “My dad ran a small cow/calf operation. Failed at it, mostly.”

There seemed to be a story there, but it sounded like one he didn’t feel like sharing. “He still around?”

Tully glanced out the window toward the road, keeping his gaze away from mine. “As far as I know. We had a falling-out when he strongly suggested I should stay home and work the ranch instead of accepting a scholarship to college. He doesn’t keep in touch with me or my little brother.”

“You have a brother?” I asked, careful not to make it sound accusatory. I could hardly be upset that he hadn’t mentioned his brother when I hadn’t mentioned my own, but it blew my mind how much I didn’t know about Tully. How much I hadn’t asked.

“Nolan,” Tully confirmed. “He’s a junior at Texas A&M. Studying animal science.” He darted a look at me. “He said one person in the family who wore thousand-dollar suits was enough.”

I barked out a laugh before I could hold it back. “I dunno. You make them look damn good.”

Tully released a breath. “Thanks.”

“And you made the right choice,” I offered. “Taking the scholarship.”

“Agreed.”

Hearing the two of us had something in common intrigued me. Hearing him open up made me think I needed to do the same. Maybe that would bridge the distance between us.

I cleared my throat. “Money was always tight when I was growing up, so my dad helped me get work at a nearby ranch when I was fourteen. That’s how I met Katie. It was her grandparents’ ranch.”

Tully nodded, clearly familiar with this story. “She loved being on the ranch. Her grandparents still have the land, but they’ve sold off all the stock.”

I let out a sigh. “They were wonderful to me. Gave me every opportunity to learn and grow. Made me feel capable and important. Delmar and Biddy… they were like my surrogate grandparents. Have you met them?”

Tully finally turned to me, a soft smile edging up his lips. “Yeah. I complimented Biddy on her banana pudding once, and now she makes it for me every year at Fourth of July.” His smile faded. “Katie’s death nearly broke them.”

I felt a band around my chest at the thought and leaned over to cover my face with my hands. “Fuck.” That girl had been everything to them. They had probably ten grandkids, all told, but she was the closest one to them and the light of their lives. “Are they supporting the Scotts’ bid for custody?”

“I haven’t heard. They adore Lellie. But Delmar has pretty serious arthritis, and Biddy is losing her memory. I can’t imagine they could offer to help care for her or be anything other than moral support.”

I used to touch base with them once or twice a year, but I hadn’t spoken to them since I left Dallas two years ago.

“If they were younger, I’d consider them as guardians,” I said, feeling the now-familiar pinch of discomfort in my gut at the thought of giving Lellie to anyone.

Tully looked away from me again. “Maybe they know of someone.”

“No.”

He turned to look at me. “No?”

Before I could say anything, Pete came in. And the look on his face wasn’t good.