Chapter 12

TWELVE

DEV

The next few days passed in a blur.

Ever since the night Foster had come over, Tully had been acting strangely. At first, I’d wondered if maybe Tully had developed an interest in the sheriff, but then we’d gone to the cafe for lunch, and Tully had completely brushed off Foster’s friendly greeting.

I’d tried to talk to Tully about it, but he’d brushed me off, too. In fact, he’d treated me like a necessary article of clothing or piece of furniture, seeming entirely neutral about my presence. There’d only been a few times when I’d thought maybe I was wrong—that maybe he was affected by me, but he was just damned good at hiding it—but I hadn’t been sure.

We’d been civil with one another for the most part—discussing his job and my horse breeding program, sharing stories about Katie, even chatting about the weather. But the only times he’d really seemed like himself were when he was with Lellie and when he was on his laptop, catching up on work.

I’d wondered if he was itching to get back to the office, but when I asked him about that, he’d assured me his job was to stay right here in Majestic to assist in Lellie’s transition, but I hadn’t felt assured.

His strange behavior was like a burr under my skin, making me feel on edge and stressed.

But that was far from the only thing stressing me out. I also couldn’t find good parents for Lellie.

I’d gotten up the courage to approach Silas about it, and he’d very quickly disabused me of the notion that he and Way had been considering it.

“No offense, Dev, but we have our hands full as it is with the ranch, Way’s job in town, and my consulting work. It’s not that we don’t want kids, exactly… I’m just not sure we’re ready for them anytime soon.”

He’d eyed me with that intense stare before adding, “Besides, I’m pretty sure you already know who the best parent is for her. You’re just too damned stubborn to see it.”

I’d walked away. Silas was wrong. While I was definitely falling head over heels in love with Lellie—who wouldn’t?—I also knew I wasn’t the best parent for her.

Meanwhile, Silas wasn’t the only one giving me hell about it. Jo Blake had heard all about the situation from Foster and had decided to donate her own two cents to the cause.

“You don’t need a man,” she said as she held the door open to the kids’ resale shop she’d insisted on taking me to. Roundup was almost here, and I’d taken Lellie to town to find some sturdier shoes than the more fashionable ones Katie had seemed to prefer. After finding the right pair at Lake Sports, I’d stopped by the cafe for a muffin and some juice before we tackled the grocery store.

That’s when Jo had lit up and insisted on taking her “favorite girl” shopping.

“Correct,” I said, leading Lellie over the threshold by the hand. She was in an anti-stroller mood, so I’d decided not to fight it. “I’m glad you finally realize that and will stop pushing me at Foster.”

Jo waved her hand. “Oh, I still have hopes in that direction, don’t you worry. I’m just saying you don’t need a co-parent to commit to keeping Lellie. We’ll all help you.”

She led me over to a rack of clothes in Lellie’s size. “I’m thinking she needs a cowgirl getup.”

“She has more clothes than Zendaya.”

“Are any of them roundup-themed?” she asked with a sniff.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and inhaled. The industrial scent of laundry detergent and sanitized toys tickled my nostrils. “I’m not going to fight you on this as long as you help me get a few bath toys. Tully keeps giving her my measuring cups and spoons, which is not great when it comes time to make coffee in the morning.”

She eyed me. “Foster told me about him, too.”

“Tully?” My voice had a strange, squeaky tone, so I corrected it. “Tully?”

“Mm. Seems like there’s a story there.”

I ignored her prompt and instead led Lellie to the toy section, where her entire face lit up at the brightly colored plastic haven.

Jo followed me over, clutching a pleather outfit with fringe that I didn’t want to look too closely at. “She needs that octopus,” Jo said. “And the little table and chairs.”

“I don’t have room for a table and chairs,” I explained.

“You will at the new house. We should go ahead and get it. Store it in the barn.”

I tried to keep calm. “Jo, I already told you. I’m not keeping her. I’m hoping to find a good family and?—”

“Pish. Don’t be ridiculous. I can see how you are with her, and Sheridan couldn’t stop talking about how excited she was that her little peanut will have a built-in friend right out of the gate.”

“She’s like ten minutes pregnant,” I muttered. “They’d be at least two years apart in age.”

“And when the house is ready, we’ll decorate a big-girl room all for her. Maybe giraffes and other safari animals. I saw a fantastic Pinterest board when I was looking for nursery ideas for Sheridan.”

I let her continue to babble about what a wonderful, albeit fictional, life my daughter would have here in Majestic. The conversation made my stomach hurt because it did sound wonderful. She made it seem like the perfect life for Lellie and me.

But she was leaving out the imperfect parts. The painful parts. The inevitable moment where I’d make a critically poor decision that would lead to disaster. I had a proven track record, and I was sick and fucking tired of people thinking they knew better than I did.

“Can we move on from this topic, please?” I finally asked. “Do you think we should get her a sun hat for when you bring her outside during roundup?”

I didn’t expect them out in the far pastures, but I knew Jo would want to bring Lellie outside to watch the horses being loaded into trailers near the barn.

Jo’s face lit up. “I’m on it. I saw one back by the dresses that would be just the thing.”

As she turned to make her way back toward the front of the store, I let out a breath and returned my attention to Lellie.

One of her dark curls was sticking out at a funny angle from the way she’d slept. Even though I’d tried to wet it down and fix it, it still stuck out and up. I didn’t know how to do hair without making Lellie scream bloody murder. There was probably some trick to it that Katie had learned from her own mother. But my mother wasn’t about to show up here and teach me how to raise a daughter.

I glanced back to see Jo chatting happily with a man near the checkout counter. She would teach me anything I needed to know about raising a daughter. I knew she would. But it wouldn’t be the same.

There’d been times since my brother’s death when I’d felt inside out with grief. More recently, it had faded into a duller pain but one that was still achingly persistent. It was at times like this that the dull pain turned sour. I missed things I’d never even had. Parenting advice from my mother was an unexpected one.

The sour feeling in my stomach persisted throughout the day, even though I tried my best to ignore it and enjoy the mother figure I did have. Jo spoiled us, taking us to the little shop that sold handcrafted granola and trail mix and treating Lellie to a cookie while she got a much-needed coffee for herself and me.

“You know,” she whispered once we’d settled at an outdoor table in front of the shop. “Brady Kurt is gay.”

It took me a minute to recall the name of the friendly man who’d sold us the treats. I lifted an eyebrow at her. “Is he? I would have given him the secret handshake had I known.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “I just mean if you and Foster aren’t going to give it a try, maybe you could ask Brady out. He’s good with kids, too. He helps out with his niece and nephew.”

“Are you trying to find me a babysitter or a husband? I’m a little unclear at this point.”

Jo held Lellie on her lap as Lellie shoved pieces of the cookie in her mouth. Crumbs covered both of them, but Jo didn’t seem to notice or mind.

“And I happen to know he’s single. Apparently, he was seeing a guy up in Billings, but the drive was too much for both of them.”

I savored a sip of the coffee before replying. “I seem to recall earlier today, you told me I didn’t need a man. What happened in the last half hour to change your mind?”

Sometimes Jo reminded me of Silas. She had a way of looking right into your soul as if determining your eternal fate. “I don’t think you were meant to be such a loner. I think you hold yourself apart when what you really want is to love and be loved. And this little girl needs your love, Devon McKay. So whatever you have going on up in that head of yours… well, you need to get over it. And I happen to know from experience that parenting is much easier when it’s done with a partner.”

Her reference to her ex surprised me. She rarely spoke of him. All I knew about Foster’s dad was that he’d left Jo when Foster was eleven and Anna was still in diapers. His leaving had shaped Foster’s protective tendencies and had led to Jo’s fierce independence.

It was unusual for her to imply she’d lost something good and decent when he’d left.

I couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. Jo looked up in surprise from where she’d brushed off some of the crumbs. “You’re laughing?”

“Yes. Because you’re making my point for me. Parenting is easier with a partner. I don’t have a partner. Therefore, maybe Lellie would be better off in a two-parent household.” Not that my reasons were related to my single status.

Jo scowled. “Is that what her mother would have said?”

I sighed. “I don’t want to argue with you. I just want you to respect that I know what’s best for Lellie.”

Her scowl turned into a knowing grin. “Ah. Just like a true parent.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled. Was I sure I missed having the “well-meaning” advice of a parent?

Later that evening, Tully’s recent distraction and distance resolved into a bizarre passive-aggression that took me by surprise.

“Thanks,” I said after Tully lifted Lellie out of her seat at the dinner table and offered to take her to see the horses before bedtime.

“Might be a good chance for you to make some decisions,” he said.

I glanced at him. “Decisions?”

We’d spent some time discussing my breeding program earlier in the meal, so it took me a minute to realize he wasn’t asking me about equine bloodlines.

He looked pointedly at Lellie before flaring his nostrils at me. “Unless you plan to keep her in flux indefinitely.”

“If you’re referring to her guardianship,” I said. “I’m working on it. Finding a good family for a child isn’t exactly the same thing as asking someone to water your houseplants.”

He grunted and walked out, leaving me staring after him in surprise and annoyance.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion about my custody situation, but Tully’s unreadable reaction got my back up in a way no one else’s did.

Did he agree with me that she’d be better off with someone else? It had seemed like he’d originally encouraged me to keep her, though maybe it had only come from supporting Katie’s decision. Had he changed his mind? And if so, was it because he’d been around me for a few days? Did he see something in me that indicated I wouldn’t be a good parent?

Why did it matter if he believed it when I already knew it to be the truth?

I forced myself to clean up our dishes and tidy up the apartment before preparing Lellie’s bedtime routine and setting out her pajamas. The tiny cotton tee and shorts set smelled like my laundry detergent now since she had very strong opinions about which pajamas she wanted to wear each night. For some reason, pulling her little clothes out of my laundry basket had stopped me in my tracks earlier this afternoon.

What if her adoptive parents didn’t let her wear her elephant pajamas whenever she wanted? What if they insisted on her wearing girly stuff when she wanted to wear something else?

Questions like this were constantly floating around in my mind, keeping me from deep sleep and messing with my head.

Anxiety was my new normal now.

Kenji had scheduled a conference call with my attorneys, including the Texas lawyer Tully had recommended, but there wasn’t much they could do until I was officially served with papers about the custody petition. When I questioned why that hadn’t happened yet—an associate from the same legal firm was sleeping on my sofa, so the Scotts’ attorneys must know where to find me—the lawyers had explained that there would be an “ethical wall” preventing Tully from sharing information with other attorneys at the firm.

I simply had to hope that Tully’s ethical wall was sturdy enough to buy me the time I needed to find a good solution for Lellie.

I’d briefly considered asking one of my polo player friends from New York if he and his wife would be interested in adopting her. They’d talked about starting a family by adopting a child rather than pursuing a pregnancy, so I’d thought of them right away. But then I’d remembered some of their casual comments about forcing their children to play polo “whether they liked it or not.” The other people in the conversation agreed and said that pushing your kids into extracurricular activities was the only way to guarantee them a good future at a good school. The whole conversation had seemed pretentious and stifling.

That wasn’t what I wanted for Lellie, and I knew it wasn’t what Katie would have wanted, either.

But if I intended to micromanage the kind of upbringing Lellie would have, it would make finding the perfect parents even more impossible than it already seemed.

It had been less than a week, and I already felt like giving up. Not only had I racked my brain to come up with people, but I’d also asked the brotherhood to do the same. Zane had mentioned a gay couple he knew in Atlanta who might be a good option, but as soon as he’d opened his mouth to tell me more about them, Kenji had abruptly ended the video call.

The sound of tires on gravel filtered through the open window. I looked out to see Foster’s SUV. Instead of waiting for him to come up, I made my way downstairs and met him out front of the barn.

“Hey,” I said with a smile. His visit would be a good distraction from my stormy mood.

His usual wide smile was noticeably absent. “Unfortunately, I’m here on official business. I need to serve you papers.” He held out an envelope. “The request came into my department a little while ago. I thought I’d bring it out myself instead of sending a deputy.”

Tully came around the side of the barn with Lellie in hand. He seemed to realize what was happening sooner than I did.

I glanced over at him. “Did you know this was coming?”

“I told you they’d filed suit.” His voice carried a tone of defensiveness, but I could hardly blame him.

He was right. He’d warned me. But holding the actual notice made it very real.

I opened the envelope and pulled out several documents. The official petition for guardianship was there, as well as several other documents requesting information.

I bit out a curse under my breath and handed the papers to Tully before leaning down to pick up Lellie. “Did you visit Trigger today?” I asked, shifting her onto my hip.

As I walked toward the paddock to take comfort in my horse, I heard Tully speak in a low voice to Foster.

“This is going to be a hell of a battle, especially if Dev’s not firmly committed. I wonder if he’ll decide to let them have her,” Tully said.

“Like hell he will,” Foster snapped back. “He said the grandparents weren’t a good choice.”

“They’re not ideal, but they’re family. They’ll take care of her and make sure she never lacks for anything. They’ll love her.”

I ground my teeth together and forced myself not to shout at him over my shoulder.

Foster’s low voice was barely intelligible. “Not like he will.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled the familiar, soothing scents of horse and hay. Lellie’s hand had snuck into my hair and clasped a hank in her fist.

Foster was right. I was beginning to realize that no one but Katie could possibly love this precious baby as much as I could.

Because I was falling for her faster than I would have believed.

And giving her up was going to be damned near impossible.

As I greeted Trigger and guided Lellie to feed him some peppermints, I couldn’t help but simmer with anger toward Tully. It was obvious, now that he was ready to take Lellie out of my hands, that he was no longer on my side—if he ever really had been—which meant his fucking “ethical wall” was probably thin as tissue.

The idea that he’d prefer for the Scotts to take her made my blood boil.

After giving Trigger a few final pats, I took Lellie upstairs and got her ready for bed. I heard Tully moving around the apartment, but I ignored him and focused on my daughter.

When she was finally asleep in her portable crib and I couldn’t avoid returning to the main room to grab a cold glass of water, I saw Tully at the kitchen table with his laptop and the stack of legal documents Foster had brought.

“Guess someone gave the enemy my address,” I muttered under my breath.

Tully turned to me and narrowed his eyes. “Guess someone has his mail delivered to this address,” he snapped back. “I found you easily enough. It’s no surprise the Scotts’ attorney did, too.”

“If you think the Scotts are the right choice for Lellie, then I’d like you to leave,” I said flatly. “Lellie is currently legally my child, and you have no right to work for her fucking grandparents to change that.”

He stood up and stepped closer. I tried not to notice the bare feet sticking out of his worn blue jeans or the fact that the Wyoming sun had turned his forearms and hands a honey gold in the few days we’d spent time outside with Lellie. “I’m not working with the Scotts,” he hissed. “In fact, I’ve put my job on the line by refusing to help them, so you can fuck right off with your accusations.”

I was in no mood to be appreciative, or even rational, for that matter.

“I heard what you said to Foster, so it’s clear you think she’d be better off with them than me.”

Tully stepped closer and poked a finger into the center of my chest. “What I think is that you are willfully fucking ignorant.” Poke . “What I think is that I’ve tried everything to convince you to keep your daughter, and you’re the one who insists you’re a bad bet, not me.” Poke . “What I think is that you’d be as good a parent to her as Katie would have been. But you know what’s more important than any of that bullshit? A good parent actually wants their child.”

He met my eyes with heat and thunder rolling heavy and unpredictably. “So you’re right, Dev. That makes you a shitty fucking choice.”

I grabbed his wrist to stop him from poking me again. His skin was warm, and the faint prickle of body hair against my palm reminded me of the most sensual night of my life.

“Don’t you realize how much this is fucking killing me?” I asked, hearing way more anguish in my tone than I’d hoped.

Tully’s face softened. I still held his wrist in my hand, and his body was close enough for me to feel his warm exhales on my cheek.

“You say that what you want isn’t important. I say it’s the most important thing of all.” His gaze held mine. “So what do you want, Dev?” he breathed.

You. Lellie. All of it.

The dream.

I gritted my teeth. Those words, however truthful, would never pass my lips. Instead, I chose a different truth.

“Know what I want?” I growled to keep my voice from breaking. “You on your fucking knees, choking on my cock. Maybe then I could escape this fucking pressure for ten goddamned minutes.”

Our eyes locked as the shock of my words fell heavily around us. His nostrils flared, and the hand of the arm I held curled into a fist.

But instead of fighting me, instead of pulling away and telling me to fuck off, Tully Bowman dropped to his fucking knees.