Chapter 13

THIRTEEN

E ven an hour later, Julio was still fuming about the arson investigator's announcement. Samantha could tell, even if he'd finally quit ranting. Not just the fact that Tennet had gone on TV in a press conference without telling anyone else on the taskforce, but also because he had announced to the whole city that they were looking for a copycat.

She sat in the passenger seat of his truck, on their way to speak with Richard Sylvana's next of kin. She didn't want to keep rehashing the same thing over and over, but it just wasn't connecting. And it was much better than thinking about her own sister and partner having their first date in the Intelligence bullpen.

Julio was right—it was pretty adorable.

Not that she planned to admit that to anyone.

"I just don't understand how Tennet could make that assessment so quickly," she said, glancing over at Julio. "We had barely put it together about the identities of the two victims. He seriously jumped the gun."

"It connects them to Sylvana." He shrugged one shoulder, his movement tight.

"Seems to me like a whole lot of circumstantial evidence when it isn't clear who is doing this or what their motives are." She would never have moved on it in the same situation. "All we did is tip him off to how much information we put together so far."

"Maybe that's the point."

"I don't know how the fire department conducts investigations." She shook her head. "But in the police department, we try not to let the bad guys know that we know what they're doing and that we are onto them. The takedown tends to go better if it's a surprise."

Kind of like the way Bristol had surprised them with coffee. It wasn't until her sister had shown up with four cups instead of three that Samantha realized it was about seeing Romeo. It just so happened that about the same time Romeo decided he wanted to get to know the woman Samantha was having breakfast with at the diner, her sister was also having the same reaction to him. But love at first sight wasn't something Samantha put much stock in.

Was it even a real thing?

And the odds of it happening to both of them at the same time?

It was like watching some kind of bizarre miracle cross with a fairytale unfold in front of her. As if there was still magic in the world, not just death and destruction. Cases. Investigations. Breakups.

She barely knew what to make of it.

Another God-thing?

Samantha said, "I'm thinking maybe I should go to church, or something. Things just seem to be way too confusing and I'm having a hard time understanding what's going on."

Julio reached over and squeezed her hand. "It's a good place to start. I should probably go with you, but…"

She waited for him to say more, but he didn't. "But what?"

"I haven't gone to church in a while. To be honest, I was pretty angry after we broke up."

"After I lost the baby."

He nodded.

"Angry at me?"

"It seemed unfair to be angry at you. Being angry at God was a lot easier, because I knew He could absorb how I felt at the time. When it would have been the wrong thing to lay it on you."

Samantha couldn't help thinking they had dealt with it completely wrong. Even if at the time they both felt that going their separate ways was the right thing. But how could she have done anything else? She'd been in so much pain.

Pushing Julio away had been about self-preservation more than anything else.

Still, she said, "Maybe we were supposed to deal with it alone and then come back together, but we never did. Maybe we missed what we should've done."

They might have missed a whole lot more than that.

But she didn't want to live in all the could have beens and should have beens . Life just happened that way, and wishing it was otherwise would be pointless. She'd rather deal with reality.

"I think maybe we did miss something," he said. "But we can't say that it was right or wrong at the time. Not when we were both hurting."

Samantha looked out the window, watching buildings pass beside the truck as Julio drove through Benson to the address GPS was directing him. Richard Sylvana's son might prove a fruitful source of intel. Or, at least, she hoped he would.

Or he knew nothing.

Or he might turn out to be their arsonist.

Right now, she had no idea.

She sighed. "Sometimes I feel like everything I want is out of reach. Maybe I did the wrong thing somewhere along the way and missed it. And I lost my shot."

"I don't believe it's ever too late. You and I have been through more than most people do in a lifetime, but that doesn't mean we can't stick through the rest together."

Samantha glanced at him. "But can you guarantee it isn't going to be worse than what we've already been through? Because I don't think I can survive that again."

As far as she could tell, it was safer to stick with what she knew—what she could control.

"I don't have any more answers than you do." Julio sighed. "We can't know what's going to happen. We just have to pledge to stick together through it."

"Because I didn't do that last time? I drove us apart because I couldn't handle what was happening?" Was that what he was saying?

Julio hit the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. Someone honked, but he ignored it and put the truck in Park. He turned in his seat to face her. "If you want me to blame you, I'm not going to. You had no idea that one shift would put you in a situation where you lost the baby."

Tears gathered in her eyes, the hot sting of regret and grief. "I talked to my sergeant as soon as I showed up for that shift, asking about getting put on desk duty. He was going to put the paperwork through that day." She wouldn't have continued to walk a beat during a pregnancy. But then, she hadn't been super happy about desk duty either. Still, she would never have put the baby's life at risk just so she could do whatever she wanted.

"It was a tragedy that no one could've anticipated would happen. You shouldn't blame yourself, and you should know that I don't blame you."

Maybe it would be better if he did, but that would only mean she could focus on him rather than dealing with her own pain and the need to find some healing. She'd been pushing away her need to deal with it for two years, shutting people out. Focusing on work. Keeping her head down. Pretending she was fine.

She wasn't sure it had worked.

"I don't know what to do." Samantha shifted. "I don't know how to make it not hurt."

"Sometimes I think it's supposed to hurt. Because if you feel nothing, then it means you didn't care."

Tears rolled down her face. So many tears. She'd not only lost the baby, but she'd also lost him. In the blindness of her grief, she'd pushed him away.

Julio reached over and touched her cheeks, swiping at the tears with his thumbs. "You don't need to feel like you're the only one in pain. You aren't alone."

She'd always thought it was easier to just deal with her problems by herself. Maybe that meant she closed herself off to everything and everyone. But it didn't work. And she wasn't sure it had been easier, either.

Even Bristol stayed at arm's length, where Samantha insisted she be. Using the difference of communication to create a wall between them because Samantha didn't want to face her own inability to fix her problem and find some peace. She didn't want to know that Bristol could help her when it was far easier to nurse the hurt.

Because the pain was the only thing she had left.

Julio leaned closer to her, hesitating. Tentative, the way he had always been. But right now, Samantha didn't need him to be gentle with her. She needed someone to break down the wall and force her to share her heart.

She closed the gap between them and pressed her lips to his, pouring all the hurt and grief and longing into that shared moment. Her hands sought him, and she grasped the collar of his shirt, dragging him closer to her. She shifted her fingers to the back of his neck. He didn't tighten his hold on her. Content to allow her to take what she needed from him while he held himself still.

The fact that Julio was being entirely Julio right now was what allowed her to draw back, breathing hard.

The skin around his eyes flexed. "Good?"

She frowned.

"Now it's my turn," he said.

He didn't let her go. He leaned in, still touching her cheeks and pressed his lips to hers. Exquisitely gently, he held her close, and she soaked it in. Drawing deep of all the comfort and connection he wanted to give her.

The churning in her heart and mind eased, softened by the way he settled her like no one else. Like nothing else in her life ever had, or ever would. In a way that made her want to believe that God was real. Because if He wasn't, then all this was nothing but an accident. And she couldn't believe that it could be exactly what she needed, otherwise. There was just no way some random confluence could precisely match her the way that Julio did.

He eased back, and she dipped her head.

Samantha felt his cheek touch hers. She wasn't sure how long it was going to last, but the simple contact was enough to let her feel safe enough to pray.

I'm sorry I didn't believe You.

The simple words in her mind and heart eased more inside Samantha than even Julio's kiss had. She would never have guessed just days ago that she would be here, sitting with him. Feeling like she was actually at peace with God for the first time in a very long time.

And yet she was.

"I could stay here forever."

Julio's voice rumbled close by. "Eventually one of us is going to have to go to the bathroom."

She smiled but didn't move.

"Although, you'll probably need coffee before that happens."

She started to laugh. Then it occurred to her she hadn't done that in a very long time as well. She leaned back, shaking her head. Marveling how much had changed in just a couple of days. It wasn't that she had managed to regain what she lost. Samantha was a much different person than she had been two years ago, and she doubted a relationship between them would be the same.

It wasn't as if everything was fixed.

But at least she was headed in that direction.

The skin around his eyes flexed. "You okay?"

"I am more okay than I've been in a long time." She pushed her hair back, swiping at her cheeks. "And a lot of it is thanks to you."

Julio smiled. "I'm glad I could be here."

"Me, too." She resituated herself in the seat and looked at the screen of her phone. "We should be going."

"Back to reality?" He seemed as reluctant as she was to get back to work.

"Maybe when we clock out at the end of the day, we could go get some dinner or something?" Samantha bit her lip. Why was asking that so awkward? They had eaten together plenty of times. Not to mention everything else that came with creating a life, something neither of them had been proud of—but she knew he would've stuck by her.

By now they would be married with a toddler.

This was just dinner.

He reached over and squeezed her hand. "Sounds good. I know just the place where we can get a good meal."

She wondered where he ate regularly lately and realized again how long it had been since they spent time together. Enough time for him to have found new places and new people.

Meanwhile, she hung out with Bristol and went to work. It had been enough for a long time. But now that Julio was back in her life, it seemed more like a desolate existence.

One she'd have to figure out how to let go.