Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

They rode in silence through the forest to the village, so that Gabriel could spend his day in the inn. It wasn’t as if he was angry with Kate. Everyone was allowed to make poor decisions. It was only that when it fell back to him over and over again, he was tired of being wanted for something he couldn’t provide.

She was correct. When he was young, he had run whisky for his father with the help of his brother. That was the last time in his life that he had ever done anything without someone wanting something from him. After his father’s death, his brother Tavish became laird and took over the business and the estate, married, and had children. During that span of time, he had somehow taken what had been profitable and a solid family legacy and burned it down to the ground because he could, and Tavish had seemed to enjoy it.

Gabriel could never fix what his brother had broken. He realized that more each day. And at some point, it fell back to him not to correct the wrongs of his family, but to look at the future and see what could be, find the hope there. It didn’t do anyone any good for him to return home to Scotland, Dunsmuir Castle, and see ruin. There was always a fresh start. There could always be hope.

Gabriel glanced at Kate as she rode beside him. The bright white light of the sun dappled through the trees in the forest, and it smelled of earth and decay as the autumn bore down on the mountains. He wasn’t mad at Kate. But he was mad at himself for how he had treated her, for how they had shared that kiss in the kitchen, and how he had become the world’s largest coward and fled. It was no wonder that she was furious with him when he had strode in last evening as she drank with Elsie, demanding to know what she was doing. As if he had a right to tell her what to do.

But Gabriel also knew that for him to have any chance to succeed, he needed to work with Kate, and he needed her on his side. Today, that would be his mission. For one day, he would be focused and put thoughts of kissing her away.

Gabriel had built a shipping empire on his own, but it was all at risk now. He wasn’t interested in running whisky when he knew he could make a legitimate business of their distillery. And he needed help.

The stable hand ran out to meet them in the courtyard when they arrived. Birds flitted from the trees to the stable block as the clouds began to darken in the sky. He didn’t wish for another day of rain when he had work to do outside as well.

Gabriel dismounted and strode over to Kate.

He looked up at her, feeling a little breathless at how beautiful she was, and she gazed down at him. She really was the worst governess that he could have hired in all of England. But he wasn’t interested in that, not anymore. She had been correct. The girls needed their family, and he would show up for them now, just as he would show up for Kate. He could show up for his family without expecting them to do that for him, not because he owed it to them, but because he owed it to himself.

“What am I doing here?” Kate asked as he reached up to help her dismount.

“I’ve a lot to do,” Gabriel said, his voice low and raspy. “And I ken I can count on ye, Kate. I need yer help.”

“I don’t see how you can count on me after last night. After these past few weeks with the girls. ”

“It’s no’ as if I havena had those nights before as well,” he said, and she looked at his lips, then his eyes before sighing.

“I am not meant to be your friend, Gabriel. I have been brought up my entire life to become the wife of a peer. And then I made a horrible choice, and I have to live with that mistake now. As governess, I am meant to live in that attic. I am meant to be no one’s friend. I am meant to live on the fringe, to be reminded of my behavior and what little options I have left to exist in this world.”

“It doesna have to be like that,” he said. “Ye’re here today no’ as a governess but because ye’re my friend. I’m only asking for a lil’ faith.”

“I don’t know where I should go,” Kate confessed. She swallowed hard, then looked out into the distance before returning her gaze to his, and his heart twisted in his chest. “I don’t want to be in London and to be treated so poorly,” she said, “and I don’t want to be a companion or a governess and be so invisible.”

“Ye’re no’ invisible to me,” he insisted.

And she flashed a sad smile at him before continuing, “I don’t feel as if I even belong to myself. I’ve only been living life to complete someone else’s dream. I don’t know what my wishes are, or what my dreams and hopes are. I have been told since I was a girl what those would be, and now that it’s no longer an option, I’m just...” She swallowed hard once more and raised her hands up into the air, then let them drop. “I am just Kate Bancroft,” she said, “who has a history of poor decision making, is unusually tall, and very proficient at what is necessary for a good wife. But I don’t enjoy those things, and I can’t make myself be anything I am not. That I know. But what’s left for me to find out is too big at this moment. I’m scared, Gabriel. I’m afraid of ending up alone, but all my friends are getting married and having children and starting families and moving on as they should in this world, and I am quickly getting left behind. And I ran off to Scotland, thinking that it would be the perfect place to hide, but I don’t want to hide anymore.”

“Then dinna,” he said.

“Then that means I must…” She searched for the words. “I don’t know what I must search for— me , I suppose. That sounds silly when you are trying to rebuild the distillery and save this inn and see what you have left of your family. You go marching around this village as if your life depends upon it, and I understand now that it does. So when I decide to drink too much whisky and cast up my accounts and ruin your boots, it makes my quest to make sense of my own life… well, silly.”

“It’s far more important to ken who ye are in this world than anything else. And in the meantime, and until ye can figure it out, yer welcome to stay here.”

Her brows furrowed. “I don’t know what that looks like,” she said. “I can’t stay here as a friend because it’s improper, and I have no money of my own, so I need wages if you no longer employ me as your governess.” She looked at him, and her voice trailed off. She leaned down to whisper, “That was a very nice kiss, Gabriel. But you and I both know it will only complicate things further. You don’t want to marry, and I don’t know if I am ready to marry yet, either, after what has happened. Anything more would only tie me back to the in-between. I will only cause trouble for you, and I don’t think my heart can take any more heartbreak right now.”

“Verra well,” he said.

He had never been one for many words. He was never much of a talker. That had always fallen to his brother, who could spin the best tales. Gabriel was mostly quiet and, to the disappointment of much of his family, stern and focused. Truth be told, he didn’t want to be stuck here, either. He had made a life for himself outside of Scotland, and it was a fine life, full of fine things, but it didn’t feel quite right either.

And returning home as he had was not how he planned for it. All those years gone, only to return home to bury his brother and take guardianship of his brother’s daughters. He resented bearing the weight of his family’s crumbling legacy on his shoulders. But something recently had struck him, and that was, it was less of a burden and more of an opportunity. There was hope here. He could save this all and turn his family legacy into something for him, something he could create for himself.

Because he was lost as well .

He reached up and gripped her waist, she leaned forward and shifted her weight so he could catch her. It reminded him of the evening before.

They would strive to remain friends. That kiss could remain in the past, even if it did haunt all his thoughts currently. At some point, he could rid himself of the memory of her taste and not act like some besotted schoolboy.

He set her on her feet, and she smiled at him, and he thought for a moment she didn’t wish to be apart either.

“When my father was alive, we would age the whisky in casks in the back of the carriage house.” He laughed, remembering how his mother would greet the excise men with fresh pie as the groom saw to their horses. “No one kent. No’ for a time.”

“And now?”

“The carriage house roof is collapsing. And the stills that were in the basement of the inn weren’t in a place that was safely ventilated. The casks of the whisky he didn’t bother selling are stashed everywhere, and I am trying my best to track them all down to use that for funds to see to the proper licensing of the distillery. But Archie and Finn don’t see the need to modernize. They think we should stick with illicit whisky. They like the challenge and don’t wish to give an edge to our competitors. And Finn hates the English.”

“I’ve noticed.”

He scratched the back of his neck. “I’ve come back, Kate, to fight. Everything could go wrong, but I’ve done right in this world to realize there’s a chance here. I’m no’ about to waste it.”

The crows cawed overhead, darting across the sky as the autumn air spun around them.

“I believe you,” she said, clasping her hands in front of her.

For a moment, it felt as if it should have always been this way, with her by his side. But their paths had never crossed, so he shook off the feeling and proceeded inside.

“First, I need help with paperwork,” he said. “For proper licensing there are more requirements, and the logbooks are a mess. And I was stuck refinishing floors yesterday instead of sortin’ all this out. ”

He brought her through the kitchen and into the small office he had set up for himself in the larder. Sacks of flour and sugar were stacked high on the shelf above the cabinet he used as a makeshift desk. And piled high were the logbooks and correspondence about the distillery’s licensing.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, glancing toward Kate who stood in the doorway.

“It’s a mess, Gabriel.”

“I need the inn reopened in time for the festival in three weeks. The distillery will take longer.”

“You’ve no staff, yet. The rooms smell like smoke. Is the inn even structurally sound?” she asked, counting on her long fingers.

The look on his face must have been answer enough because she grabbed some paper, folded it, then snatched a pencil from the tabletop. “We need a list. Give me a tour and I will write everything down.”

The panic that had gnawed at his chest since returning lessened a sliver.

“The kitchen will need to be stocked, the plates and glasses need to be inventoried, a menu needs to be decided, and then we need to hire a staff. Wait, before the menu, a budget would be best so I can search out reputable vendors.”

He braced himself for her disbelief at his plan. It was ridiculous to sort all that out in time. But it was necessary to bring in income again as winter approached.

Kate spun around and walked out of the kitchen, proceeding into the empty inn hall and bar.

“We drank most of what was here at the bar after Tavish’s funeral.” He cleared his throat, placing his hands on his waist and walking around the empty room. “The bar will need to be restocked, and the tables and chairs examined because many wobble.”

They then proceeded upstairs and toured each room, making note of linens needed and what should be cleaned and sorted for a guest’s stay.

Finally, Kate plopped down on the edge of a bed and laughed. “Goodness, is that all, Gabriel? ”

He was certain he would dream of her tonight. He laughed instead and glanced around. “It isna so bad.”

“Hardly.”

She stood up and walked over to him, staring up with admiration in her eyes. He had never been looked at in that way before. Repairing the inn in time for the festival was as daft a plan as he was for trying to convince himself he didn’t want this woman.

“I apologize for last evening,” she said again. “And I will see that you have new boots.”

“I dinna need new boots, Kate.”

The truth of it was, if this gamble of his paid off, he would have more money than he knew what to do with. The truth was that he preferred the finer things in life, the luxury he had afforded himself by the way he handled business. He wanted the best.

And some small part of him wished to spoil Kate endlessly. He wished to see her in fine dresses, and feed her the most luscious foods, and sleep with her in the softest beds. He wished to worship her. Curse that marquess who treated her as he had, and damn London for its rules.

“You’re quiet,” she whispered. “You’re thinking, and I’ve learned that can be good or bad.”

He clenched his hands at his waist so as not to touch her.

She reached up and patted his cheek with a grin. “Best time to start is now.” Kate floated out of the room while humming to herself, and Gabriel closed his eyes, certain he had just condemned himself.