Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

As soon as the door clicked shut behind Ian, Lily gestured wildly and stomped her feet. “You need to tell me everything.”

“I fear it’s far less exciting than you imagine.”

“Lottie, you would be surprised at how little it takes to entertain me these days. Between the renovations and the children and the school… My lovely brain might as well be a bowl of morning porridge.”

Charlotte pulled at the cuffs of her dress sleeves, before sighing and removing her kid gloves. “I see you will not move on until I confess.”

Lily winked at her, then walked over to the pair of chairs tucked into a library overflowing with books and maps. “You are my oldest and dearest friend, Lottie. There is nothing you can say that will shock me.”

But that wasn’t true.

Because Lily didn’t know that Charlotte had asked Ian for a divorce.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you earlier…”

Her friend blushed again, then grinned. “Between my schedule with the school and Rafe’s shipping company, we have barely seen each other lately. Then to make matters worse, the boys usually will come with me for part of the day, but Adain caught Taran’s cold, so they are home with nanny…” Lily sat down in the chair, flopping back against the tall back, and buried her head in her hands. “And we are desperately wishing for a little girl.”

Two things proved to be true at that moment—Charlotte both melted at the admission and felt a pang of grief.

“I am happy that you are so happy, Lily. Who would have thought you running off to marry the wrong brother would have ended in such a happy romance?”

“Well,” Lily snickered, “we bicker constantly. I don’t want you to believe for a moment that everything is perfect.”

“No, not perfect. Just… complete .”

“He is certainly trying to uphold his end of the bargain at the moment. I’m not sure I can survive the chaos of three boys though.”

“You survive the chaos of a school full of girls.”

“They’re mostly angels, though I’m sure you wouldn’t believe it. There’s Dorothea, who still wishes to believe she is headmistress and not me.”

“Yes, Mrs. Pratt told me as much. I will speak with her.” The small talk died away, and Lily kicked the bottom of Charlotte’s boot. “Are you going to tell me about the duke?”

“I’m not sure where to begin.”

“At the beginning then.”

“Well, it was the Cranbourne ball, and I was doing my damnedest to hide away until Kate decided to add gin to the lemonade?—”

“No, no,” Lily laughed. “Ahh, the godmother of pandemonium. I know well what happened that night. I was there, remember?”

Charlotte only scoffed. Just then, a big black cat stretched from her spot on a tower of books, then jumped down, before nuzzling Charlotte’s dress.

“Celeste, my love. I didn’t forget you.”

“She left a mouse’s head in the girls’ room this week. She’s been banned until I know she won’t terrify them any longer.”

Celeste chirped before curling up into Charlotte’s lap .

“He returned while Lord Nathaniel was hosting a house party at Stonehurst. With my permission, of course. As you can imagine, Ian was anything but pleased.”

“Well, what did he expect? He’s been in Italy, or who knows where with whomever.”

“He swears there was no one else.”

“Do you believe him?”

She scratched the top of Celeste’s head, feeling herself calm as the cat purred loudly. “Did he write to you after my riding accident?”

“I have the letter here somewhere. Yes, he did. The man was?—”

“Beside himself?”

“Well, he certainly wasn’t without feeling. He sounded worried, Lottie. Devastatingly worried.”

Charlotte placed a hand on her shoulder, wincing at the memory of pain. “It was a horrible riding accident. I should have never attempted the jump I did.”

“And since you’ve recovered?”

“He’s been… surprising. He returned a stranger, and little by little, I feel as if the old Ian is returning to me. The man who won my heart, which is entirely confusing because I have hated him these past years.”

“You were hurt. But you loved him more.”

Charlotte sighed. “That’s the problem, Lily. The man has been…” she blushed, thinking of him in her bed the evening before. “He has been insistent and patient, and I have acted nothing short of curt and prickly.”

“As you should after what happened.”

“I think I’m falling in love with him again,” Charlotte rushed out. Her chest squeezed. “That’s the problem. I think I never stopped loving my husband, and now that he is back, I am so uncertain about my future.”

“There is no rush to figure anything out.”

And perhaps not. But Charlotte wished to finally move forward with her life after years of remaining stuck.

“I should go find him and give him a tour. ”

And as if Rafe was outside waiting, he knocked and then dragged Liam in with him. “He promises to be good and listen,” Rafe said.

“I most certainly did not!” Liam shot back.

Charlotte giggled. “I think this is the perfect time to find the duke.” She waggled her brows at Lily, who jumped up and marched over to her husband and his business partner.

“Liam Hawkins, I do not know what you are up to?—”

“It’s best you don’t ask, darling.”

She glared at Rafe. “We’ll discuss this another time.”

Liam slapped Rafe’s middle. “I didn’t mean to cause a spat between the two of you.”

“It’s how she expresses her love for me.”

“Rafe Davies! Out. Go conduct business somewhere else in London so I can continue with mine.”

“Only if you kiss me first.”

“Out.” Lily couldn’t keep a straight face. Lily pressed up onto her tiptoes and pressed a chaste kiss against Rafe’s lips. “I will see you this evening.”

“I give you permission to yell at me all you like.”

“Out!” She shooed the two men away, leaving Charlotte there, laughing to herself.

“What’s it like being married to a rake?”

“Oh, absolutely the worst. I can never stay mad at him. He’s too damned charming.”

“Sounds terrible.”

“Almost as terrible as being married to a broody duke who has returned and is utterly obsessed with you?”

Obsessed? No, certainly not. He remained because… well, Charlotte didn’t have the answer. She assumed because he had been scared to lose her after her accident, or more pressingly, he wished for an heir. And now they were becoming reacquainted with one another. And she vowed her heart would stay out of it.

Couldn’t they share what they had last night without her surrendering to him completely? Could she continue enjoying their time together exploring one another’s bodies without involving her heart ?

But Charlotte knew the answer, even if she didn’t like it.

Some people trusted their heads—like Lily—while others like Kate trusted their hearts. But Charlotte had always had a strong intuition, listening to her gut. The problem, however, was that she was beginning to wonder if she was allowing fear to guide her decisions rather than her intuition.

She searched the halls, peeking into rooms until she came upon Ian in the doorway to the music room, silently watching as the girls danced and sang and practiced their instruments. The very merry sound echoed off the walls of a property he had never had any intention of using.

Charlotte approached, unable to wipe the smile off her face at the sight of him in her school.

“You created something special, Lottie,” he whispered to her as she came to stand beside him. “These girls are very happy.”

“They have the opportunity to learn and pursue their goals and not focus on finding husbands. I suppose that is why.”

“For now.”

She hated that he had to slip that ugly truth in between them.

“I dream of a future where girls can grow into women and chase after their interests with the same freedom as men. Fanciful, I know. I am reminded of it often enough at dinner parties that my interests are fanciful. A woman naturalist should not be treated like an oddity. So yes, I believe this is a worthy cause.”

He glanced at her, nodding.

“Would you like a full tour?”

“Someone already beat you to it, I’m afraid.”

“Who?”

He pointed toward Dorothea, a small girl with a round face full of freckles and an auburn plait tied with a purple bow. She sat down at the pianoforte and stretched her arms.

“Only what we’ve practiced now, Miss Jones,” the teacher reminded.

Charlotte chuckled. “Watch this…”

“Hmm? ”

The little girl smiled. “Yes, ma’am.” Then she began playing a gentle hymnal. And just when the teacher turned her back, the girl grinned and began playing the rowdy notes of a bawdy song.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Miss Jones. Must we do this every day? You know well enough what to do.”

The girl nudged her friend on the piano bench, finishing the song with a grand flourish before hopping to her feet and approaching Charlotte and Ian.

“Not so bad now, hmm, Duke?”

“It’s Your Grace, Miss Jones,” Charlotte corrected.

Ian chuckled. “Very… inspired.”

“Why, thank you for the lovely compliment on my playing,” she shouted so the teacher could hear.

“The office, Miss Jones,” the teacher reminded her. “The headmistress would like to speak with you.”

The girl slipped between them and made her way up to Lily’s office.

“I couldn’t help but think,” he said with a soft, low voice.

Charlotte tensed, hearing the sadness in his words. Her grief surged, then shattered, nearly overwhelming her.

He reached for her hand and squeezed, running his thumb over the back of her hand. “We might have had a daughter their age.”

She nodded, fighting back the tears burning her eyes. She somehow remained composed, but she was sure she couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. It was best never to think of that or what could have been. Especially when he had returned, and there were still so many possibilities in front of them of what could or couldn’t be.

“I don’t believe I can ever forgive you for that,” she whispered. “Leaving me when you did after what happened.” Tears swelled, then spilled on her cheeks.

She had only just celebrated her twenty-first birthday. They had both been so swept up in their romance that Charlotte had allowed passion to rule over reason, and she had made a terrible decision. One that left her with child. It hadn’t mattered when they were to be married in two months’ time anyhow .

But she had lost the baby two weeks later after telling him. And then everything fell apart between them. Weeks became months, and months became years, and Charlotte was left to carry that loss by herself.

“I don’t forgive myself.” He tugged them farther into the darkness of the hallway and away from the rest of the pupils. “And I won’t insult you by listing excuses. There is none for my behavior. I must have started a reply back to you a hundred times, but I couldn’t find the right words. There was nothing I wanted more, and… I never blamed you.”

“Anything would have been preferred to your silence. And then your absence. You left me when I needed you most, and then my parents—after Nathaniel swept in to help, and the rumors started.”

Charlotte would never forget lying in bed crying, bleeding as Lily and Kate held her, placating her as the rest of London buzzed about the sudden illness affecting the bride taking part in the wedding of the Season to the Duke of Dandridge.

“I love him,” she had cried over and over to Lily and Kate. They hadn’t asked for her to be strong, hadn’t shied away as the gossip roared through London. And had waited for Ian.

Waited for a letter to accompany the flowers that had first been sent. Waited for a visit, or an invitation to ride in Hyde Park once she had recovered. But instead, she found herself walking down the aisle of a London church toward him almost two months later, the small smile that he hid from the rest of the world missing as she approached. Only to be met by cold words and colder actions.

“I wanted that baby,” she whispered. “Even if it was a surprise, women in London have babies early all the time. I wanted that baby with you.”

He tipped her chin up and gazed down at her, the pain crushing her also visible there in his dark eyes.

“There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t hate myself for how I have treated you, Lottie. I understand that means little when you have suffered because of me. When I have been a blackguard and threw away what we had shared because I allowed the opinion of others to sway my head instead of me trusting my heart. Which was shattered. I was scared I would lose you then. Devastated to learn we had lost a baby.”

Once her mother had discovered what had happened, she remembered being shut in her room, not allowed to see Ian, who was furious and demanded to see her. He had pounded at the door, yelling she was to be his wife, and he had the right to make sure she was well. But her father had refused, and instead, she remained with her parents until her wedding day two months later.

Foolishly, she remembered through her shame that she would still have Ian in the end. But even he had turned on her, his wicked friend Lord Blackwell whispering that she had only agreed to bedsport to secure the title.

That hadn’t been true. She had been hopelessly and recklessly in love with him.

“What happens,” she asked, her voice trembling, “if I am unable to give you an heir? Will you leave me?”

He grabbed her hand between his and gently kissed her knuckles. “I never left you because of the baby. I allowed my own doubts and the opinions of others in my head before the wedding, and I am endlessly sorry I left when you needed me most.”

She remembered how nervous she had been to tell him about the baby. They were out for a ride in Hyde Park. And at the time, she thought the brilliant smile he had flashed her would be the same he would wear for her on the wedding day. She remembered how he nearly crashed the curricle as she told him, how he let go of the reins and embraced her, kissing her cheeks until she was crying from laughing.

“I have a surprise for you this evening. Please agree you will come.”

It wasn’t lost on her that he hadn’t answered, yet she couldn’t shake the hope springing up in her chest as he leaned in and pressed his thumb against her chin, tilting her gaze up to his.

“Please, Honeybee. I can’t make up for what I did, but I am here now. Give me a chance.”