Chapter 5

"Ye are nae sharing that room with me," Catreena said for what she felt had to be the tenth time already. She sat down by a raging fire as Tad sat opposite her. A passing maid placed down two trenchers of meat and an umble pie between the two of them, along with tankards brimming with ale.

The three soldiers sat nearby at a table of their own, practically falling face first into their own trenchers in hunger.

Tad didn't answer her this time. He started serving up the food between them, placing a rather large chunk of the pie on her plate and far too much meat.

"Tad," she waved a hand in front of his face to get his attention, "if ye insist on guarding me, then ye can sleep outside the door of the room."

"Like a dog?" He scoffed and lifted his tankard to his lips. "Nay chance. I will need sleep too, Cat. The only way tae get that is in that room."

"Pff." She scoffed, digging into her pie.

"I would have thought it was a relief tae ye, tae hear that I intended tae sleep alone."

"Enough." She was sharp, digging her fork into the pie. She didn't need him to talk about… that, when she had just learned they would probably be sharing a room that night. He chuckled at her reaction, then added more to her plate. "I dinnae need any more food."

"Ye need yer strength."

"I'm a lass, nae a soldier who marches on his stomach."

"Ye still need tae eat more." He gave her more regardless.

"Ye are always telling me what tae dae."

"And ye always dae as ye please anyway," he said, a glint of humor in his eyes. "I'm just making sure I dinnae eat it all. This way, ye get yer fair share."

Unsure how to feel about this nonchalant show of consideration, she focused on her food, trying to block out the rest of the inn around her, though it was impossible. She was all too aware of the way people looked their way. Some were probably curious, and perhaps had heard a rumor that the Laird MacBean was staying in the inn that night. Others ogled her in their drunkenness. Yet there were bar maids too and the occasional lass who couldn't resist looking at Tad.

Catreena glowered at one such bar maid who smiled very warmly at Tad as she came to place a second tankard of ale in front of him. He winked at her, before she caught sight of Catreena's glower and hurried off like a pup with its tail between its legs.

"Relax, little Cat. Ye are quite safe with me," Tad said when they were alone again. "I made a vow tae yer braithers tae protect ye, and I will see it through. That means I will be in that room tonight, nay matter what ye say."

"Curious how the things I say never seem tae matter or make a blind bit of difference," she muttered darkly.

"What ye say always matters."

What did he say?

She jerked her head up from her plate, staring at him, wondering if she had misheard him. They stared at each other for a few seconds, then a different maid came over, making them both turn their heads sharply away.

This maid was astounding to look at in her beauty. With long dark hair plaited the back of her head, richly dark skin, and brown eyes that looked almost copper, she flashed Tad a smile with rouged lips. She was so beautiful that in spite of herself, Catreena's jaw fell slack.

The maid placed the next tankard of ale on the table in front of Tad.

"We didnae order another yet," he said softly. "Though I thank ye fer it." His flirtatious smile was back in its usual place as he looked at the maid.

"It's on the house. Me gift tae ye… a welcome gift." She smiled back, sidling up to stand beside him.

Catreena began stabbing at the meat on her plate with great ferocity.

It is as if I am nae here at all. Have I blended intae the wall? Fer all this woman kens, I could be his lover!

The mere thought made Catreena's cheeks turn pink and she squirmed in her seat.

"Curious, Tom tells me we have entertained yer company many times, but I dinnae remember seeing ye afore," the maid said leadingly to Tad. "I feel I would remember such a man as ye."

Tad chuckled as Catreena muttered darkly, "A little obvious, eh?"

Tad flashed Catreena a warning look, but the maid didn't seem to have noticed her words.

"Well, perhaps we have just been unfortunate tae miss one another, lass," he leaned back in his chair as he spoke. The maid stepped toward him, running her fingers up the bare skin of his forearm, where a single black tattoo shone like ochre in the firelight. The tender and sensual touch made Catreena rage once again.

Rather than saying anything, Catreena turned in her seat and stared into the fire.

"Ye could get tae ken me tonight, sir, if ye so wish it."

"I thank ye fer the offer," his words made Catreena's gut curdle. "But as ye can see, I already have company fer this evening. Goodnight tae ye lass."

Catreena whirled around in her seat in surprise as Tad faced her completely, eating his food. The maid looked startled, her eyes wide like a deer's eyes at the end of a gun, and somewhat embarrassed. Then she turned and scampered off, giving her attention to one of Tad's soldiers instead.

"What did ye dae that fer?" Catreena hissed under her breath.

"Dae what?" Tad asked, seeming much more interested in focusing on his food now.

"Turn her down." Catreena waved a hand at the retreating woman. "I ken ye. I ken ye would go with anyone woman who offered tae lift her skirts fer ye –"

"If that's what ye think, then ye dinnae ken me anywhere near as much as ye think ye dae."

"I've seen ye be hooked in by a woman on the strength of a smile or a flirtatious word alone. Yet tonight ye turn down such a plain offer? Why is that?"

"Ye are me responsibility," he said with sudden huskiness, lifting his gaze from his food. "If ye think I would abandon me guard beside ye fer one minute, just tae spend a night with another woman, then ye really dae think the worst of me. If I want a woman's company in that way, I can dae it at home when we're safe. Nae here."

Unsure what to say, Catreena sat back in her seat.

"Eat yer food." He waved a hand at the plate. "Ye've stopped eating."

Strangely, Catreena didn't argue about his instructions this time. She tried to eat a little more, baffled by why the fact his keenness to remain beside her actually made her feel a little warmer. That heat had nothing to do with the fire beside them.

"Tell me, dae ye blush like that every time someone speaks of sex or just when I speak of it?"

She dropped her fork in alarm at his words. It made an almighty clatter, so much that the soldiers who were guarding them looked around, one of them even reaching for his belt, before they saw all was fine and settled down again.

"If ye intend on dropping all yer food on the floor, tell me now so I can rescue it before I speak of sex again," Tad said with that mischievous glimmer in his gaze.

"Tad!" she hissed. "Enough. We arenae talking of this now."

"Why nae? I find it most interesting that ye turn intae the color of a tomato whenever I say the word se –"

"Och, thank ye fer that." She waved a hand at him, cutting him off before he could finish the word.

"Shall I call it something else instead then? Sharing yer bed with another, perhaps? Making love," though he wrinkled his nose at calling it that. "Rutting, or even shag–"

"Tad!" This time she managed to silence him for just a beat before he began to laugh hard. He raised his tankard of ale to his lips and gulped it down. "We arenae talking about this anymore."

"Why nae?" he said between his rumbling laughter. "Cat, it's one of the most natural things humans do on this planet. Animals do it too. Ye could nae talk of anything more normal."

"I cannae bear this." Her face felt like it was on fire as she stared at her plate.

"Is it because ye dinnae ken much about it?" he said, pushing on. "Is that true?"

"I am nae having this conversation with ye."

"Oh aye, because I'm the worst person tae have this conversation with, arenae I?" he pointed out. "Only the man ye ken with probably the most experience who could tell ye everything ye needed tae ken." She looked at him with arched eyebrows and he paused in his eating. "I didnae mean that as a brag."

"Ye most definitely did." She even managed a small smile, which made him chuckle again.

"The point is I ken things, if ye want tae ken them too. If it would make ye feel more comfortable about hearing the word again. Sex." He added quickly, and she glowered at him.

"I just…" She stared at her plate, suddenly feeling numb all over. Of all the people in the world, talking to Tad about such things felt strange indeed. "I dinnae ken much about it."

"Why nae? Has nay one spoken tae ye? Have ye nae had…?" He trailed off. The laughter vanished from the air abruptly as he sat back in his seat, the chair creaking beneath his weight. "I was going tae ask if a woman in yer family hasnae told ye what tae expect that."

"Aye, funny that, isnae it?" she said harshly, abandoning the last of her food and pushing the plate away. "Nay maither, and nay other woman tae speak tae me about it. All the things I learned, I have learned from Kira and… Ilyssa."

"Ah, stop." He held up his hands in sudden surrender. "I dinnae need tae hear what me sister gets up tae with yer braither." He shivered, as if the mere thought made his bones quake. "Well, did Kira and Ilyssa tell ye much? Or are ye still… in the dark?"

She didn't say anything. The fact she was so reluctant to have this conversation had made her mind wander onto other matters. She was thinking of her mother, of what it might have been like to have learned such things from her mother. Yet her poor mother had passed giving birth to her and Dunn. Her mother had birthed Catreena with ease, but when Dunn came a few minutes later, it was too much. Her body, weakened, could not put up the fight it needed to make to survive.

"Ye are thinking of yer mother, arenae ye?" Tad said, with such a knowing tone that she jumped in her seat.

"Nay." She lied, though she wriggled so much, it must have given it away. Abruptly, he pushed one of the tankards across the table, encouraging her to drink, but rather than retracting his hand again, he slid her fingers over hers. The sudden soft and delicate touch was not something she had expected. A man like Tad, strong, tall, overbearing with muscle, every touch was usually firm. The gentleness made her mouth dry. "Dunn still blames himself, ye ken," she whispered, finding the confession falling from her lips. "He was a bairn. It wasnae his doing, but still…" She sighed, unable to utter anymore words on the matter.

"It wasnae his doing," Tad seconded the feeling. "In time, he'll see that, Cat. Even if it takes him longer tae realize it."

Catreena slid her hand out of his own, worried that such a gentle touch of his fingers would make her reveal other things she had not intended to speak of.

"Let's talk of something else," she pleaded.

"Aye, very well." He cleared his throat as he ate the last of his pie. "Let's return tae our earlier conversation. Is there anything more that ye dinnae ken but would like tae ken?"

Catreena choked on the ale. She managed to splutter half of it across the table as Tad chuckled and passed her a napkin. She slapped his hand away as she snatched the cloth and mopped her damp face.

"Ye are unbearable."

"I ken. It's a curse," he said with self-mocking pride. "Come on, there must be something. I dinnae imagine ye havenae pressed Kira and Ilyssa fer too much information when ye would just be hearing about yer braithers."

"Of course, I havenae!" She felt humiliated at the mere thought. The last thing in the world she wanted to hear about was Alec or Bran described in their most intimate of details.

"I am nae yer braither. Ye willnae have the same embarrassment with me. So, ask me anything ye'd like."

"I dinnae need tae hear about yer interpretation of it."

"Can ye nae even call it what it is?" he asked in a quiet voice, leaning across the table toward her.

"I dinnae have tae. Ye seem tae be saying the word enough fer the pair of us."

"It's nae as bad as ye think, ye ken. It can be really rather thrilling, the stolen touch…"

"Aye, sure it is," she said mockingly, then felt a sudden caress to her ankle. As a booted foot lifted the hem of her skirt, she snatched her foot away and glared at him across the table, threatening to pick up the fork and stab him with it. As she reached for the fork, he chuckled.

"Aye, see? There was a moment before ye pulled away that ye felt a thrill."

"I didnae."

"Ye did," he said knowingly. She picked up the fork, threatening him silently again. "All I'm saying is ye can ask me anything, little Catreena."

Dinnae call me that.

It felt awful, in that moment of all moments for him to call her such. Maybe he thought it was affectionate, but she simply felt younger than before, more a child to him than a woman at all.

"What would ye like tae ask me?" He held his arms out wide, as if he was a performer on stage, waiting to play his part.

She twirled the tankard in front of her, curious questions leaping to her mind. She couldn't deny that in the dark recesses of her mind, there was much she wanted to know.

Tad had said the night before that a lover who was like a wild wolf was no bad thing, but what did that mean? Was it always pleasurable, sharing yerself with another in such a way? What was intimacy in itself like? Was it nerve-wracking to share so much with another person?

Then another question leapt to her lips. She didn't ask any of the other curious thoughts in her mind but ended up reaching for something much more personal instead.

"I'll ask ye just one thing alone," she murmured in a rush. "Why dae ye sleep with so many women?"

He clearly hadn't expected it. The playful smile fell, and his hands reached for his tankard.

"Isnae it supposed tae be something special, tae lay with another? Shouldnae it be something of… love?" The moment the words were out of her lips, she wished she could recall them, somehow pluck them from the air and stuff them back in her mouth.

He will think me more a foolish child than ever now.

She looked down into the tankard, staring at the amber liquid of the ale.

"Ye dinnae have tae answer –"

"It depends."

"What?" She looked up again.

"Listen, Cat." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. She found herself mirroring his action, the two of them ending up with their heads bent toward one another. "Fer some men, that is what sex is. Fer yer braithers, I imagine it is, fer they are in love." His eyes wandered, down to her lips, and they tarried there. The way he looked at her built a tension in the air, something she could not describe, though she was all the more aware of the way the fire crackled beside them. "Fer others, it's about pleasure. That is what it is fer me. I ken well enough ye dislike me fer this reason." His gaze snapped toward her eyes again. "But love is way too complicated and intense fer me. It is nae a part of me life, and I dinnae think it ever will be. Understand this one thing about me, Catreena, and maybe ye willnae dislike me so much – love isnae fer everyone in this world."

She swallowed, a sudden lump in her throat at the mere thought.

"And any woman I bed," he went on, "kens exactly what it is. We are both there fer pleasure, fer that moment, that… release," he said the word with a little relish, then the smile faded. "Neither of us hope fer anything more."

"In other words, ye arenae lying tae them."

"Exactly." Then he lifted his tankard and downed the contents.

She squirmed in her chair, all too aware of the way the air had shifted around them now. The fire no longer crackled, and the atmosphere felt heavy.

"We should get some rest," he said, leaning forward. She didn't even notice his hand lifting in the air, for she was busy thinking that perhaps she had been a little unfair in her judgement of him. "Yer face looks like it's about tae burst intae flames." He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers, a fleeting touch that made her recoil.

"There is one thing I dinnae understand. A philanderer unable to use a heart, I understand, but the way ye dae it…" She shook her head slightly, deep in thought. "The way ye litter women around ye and carry on, that is what I dinnae understand."

It suggests the absence of a heart at all.

She stood, unable to bear this conversation any longer, though she caught sight of his expression as she turned away. His brow was furrowed deeply.