27. Caroline

27

Caroline

23 Years Ago

I peek in on the girls one last time before I head to bed and confirm they are both fast asleep. Georgia and Horton are passed out on her bed, and Irene is asleep on the adjoined mattress next to her.

When I told Lincoln I wanted to get a trundle bed for Georgia's room last year, I expected to use it for a sibling for her.

Unfortunately, life hasn't quite panned out the way I had hoped. I rub a hand over my flat stomach. I'm supposed to be halfway through a pregnancy, but I lost the baby at ten weeks.

I still haven't managed to figure out how to feel.

One minute, I'm looking at Georgia and reminding myself how blessed I am to have been gifted with such a beautifully kind little girl.

The next minute, I'm angry and heartbroken that my body can't figure out how to give me another one.

Seeing Irene, Ian, and Georgia together all the time both hurts and heals something in me. Georgia would make such a wonderful big sister, but maybe it's time Link and I stop tempting fate.

Three losses in three years, all before the end of the dreaded first trimester.

The pain is still there after every loss, but it's getting more familiar to cope with. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or a bad thing yet. Nobody wants this type of grief to become easier with time, but unless you've experienced it, you wouldn't know that this form of grief never truly leaves you. You just make room for it.

"Hello, my dear." Link greets me at our bedroom door with a kiss on the cheek. His appearance catches me off guard. He's wearing black iron-pressed slacks and a cream-colored button-down shirt with a sports jacket slung over his arm. His hair is combed to the side, making him look devilishly handsome.

"Why are you all dressed up?" I ask him, giving him a swift kiss on the cheek before I head into our bathroom so I can change into my pajamas.

Link follows me into the bathroom and adjusts the collar of his shirt. "Gabe and the boys are all getting together for drinks down at Harper's," he says as he pats down a few stray strands of his dark hair.

"You're getting that dressed up to go to a pub?" I cock an eyebrow at him.

Link wraps his arms around me, placing his chin in the crook of my shoulder, our reflections staring back at each other from the massive vanity mirror. The heady scent of his cologne swirls around me as he holds me close.

"I'm the boss, baby." He kisses the side of my head before pulling away. "I have to dress like the boss. You know, keeping those appearances up and all that."

I scoff. "Gabe is your best friend; he doesn't give a damn if you're the boss. He just wants to hang out with you and remind everyone that he's next up for that promotion once Damian heads to Alaska to help manage the rigs there."

Link's face twists into something unpleasant, like he just got done sucking on a sour lemon.

"Care, I'm not making Gabe my VP. The guy horses around more than anyone I know. Sure, I can trust him with fixing this skeleton of a house, but I can't trust him to manage my men when I'm needed elsewhere. The whole company would turn into a beer pong tournament within an hour of him taking charge."

He sounds remorseful, but there's an underlying emotion seeping out of him that I can't quite pin down.

Anger, perhaps? Annoyance. Maybe. Either way, I've never heard Link speak about Gabe this way. He's always been his go-to person in a pinch. I never realized that Link didn't trust him to do the bigger tasks in his absence.

I can't imagine the burden of having to keep your best friend at arm's length.

I'm extremely grateful I've never felt that way about my own best friend. Lydia has been nothing but supportive and loving since the day we met. Her falling in love with my husband's best friend felt like fate. Then when we both got pregnant just a few months apart, it was like a childhood fairytale coming to fruition.

Two best friends living next door to each other, married to the loves of our lives while raising our children together. It's the type of life we had always prayed for, the ultimate dream.

"Why don't you ask Lydia if she wants to come hang out for the night. You girls can get wine drunk and watch scary movies while the kids sleep," Link suggests as I walk out of the bathroom wearing a blue nightgown. He's sitting on the chair in the corner and pulling his shoes on.

I smile at him and shake my head. "I already have Irene here having a sleepover with Georgia so that Lydia and Ian can have a mother-son date."

Link looks up at me, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "What on earth is a mother-son date?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm not sure. Lydia just asked if I could keep Irene here tonight so she and Ian could spend some time together. I think she was taking him to dinner and a movie."

"Weird sort of date," Link mumbles. "Who takes their children on a date? It's not like they can get lucky at the end of the night."

Irritation seeps into my bones.

"Lincoln Harris, there is absolutely nothing weird about spending time with your child. Maybe you should take Georgia on a date one of these nights instead of heading to the pub every night with your ‘boys,'" I snap back. "Then maybe you'd see the benefits of spending one-on-one time with your only child."

Maybe this is why we will never be blessed with another child. My husband would rather go drinking than spend any time trying to really get to know his daughter. He's not a bad father—he adores her and spoils the girl rotten. But he doesn't know how to calm her down from a night terror. He doesn't know that she prefers the blueberry waffles over the chocolate chip ones. He doesn't know that she would rather play in the mud with Ian than play dolls with Irene.

He doesn't really know the child we made together, and it breaks my heart.

But maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe those things are foreign to all fathers. Maybe mothers just pay better attention to the little things like that.

Link stands, and he crosses the room toward the bedroom door. His shoulders are stiff, and I can tell that I've upset him with my outburst.

"Hey," I say, crossing the room and wrapping my arms around him from behind, laying my head against his back. "I'm sorry. That was unfair of me. I think I'm just having one of those days where all this loss feels overwhelming. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

He turns and pulls me into a tight embrace. "It's okay, Care. I know all of this has been so much harder on you than it's ever been on me," he says gently. "But I know one day we will give Georgia a sibling. I just know it."

I look up at him, his green eyes twinkling as he stares down at me.

"And I know we will have lots of fun making that happen. In fact, I know something we can do right this moment to up our chances," he says in a sultry voice, causing my insides to melt as he turns and grips the hem of my nightgown.

I reluctantly pull away from him and playfully slap his chest. "You cad! Go play with your friends," I tell him, my foul mood dissipating as he laughs with me. "I love you."

I stretch and go to kiss his cheek, but he turns his face at the last minute and kisses me hard on the lips.

"I love you. Date night, you, me, and Georgia, tomorrow. Be there or be square." Link chuckles before kissing me one last time and leaving the room.

God, I love that man, even if he's the biggest fool sometimes.

He pops his head back in before I shut the door behind him. "But you and I, my dear, we have a date tomorrow night, and it involves that pretty lacy nightgown."

My cheeks blush crimson as he winks at me one last time before finally leaving.

I jerk myself awake with a muffled scream into my pillow.

I sit up and see that the clock reads 2:00 a.m.

"Link?" I ask, my throat painfully dry. I reach for his side of the bed, only to be met with a cold and empty space. It's obvious he hasn't come home yet.

Strange. I swear I thought I heard something, but maybe I was stuck in one of those nightmares that Georgia is frequently plagued with.

Or maybe Link is downstairs hunting for food in his drunken state. I roll my eyes. He had better not wake the girls.

I make my way out of bed, grabbing my robe from the chair in the corner and pulling it on before heading into the darkened hallway.

Georgia's door is already open when I peek my head in to check on them, but when my eyes finally adjust to the darkness, I see that both beds are empty. The blankets are both pushed to the end of the beds as Horton is sound asleep on top of Georgia's pink pillow.

I head downstairs, straining to hear them. I bet they are in the kitchen with Link getting fueled up on sweets before he sends them back to bed.

When I get to the kitchen, I flick the light on, and again, the room is empty.

Where on earth are the girls?

I walk toward the window to see if Link's car is here, but the only car in the driveway is my own.

I stare up at the full moon. It's beautiful tonight as it illuminates the yard. I catch movement in my peripheral.

Movement toward the lake, just past the willow tree.

I stare into the darkness, waiting to see something, anything, when I see something—no—some one splashing in the lake.

I rush out the back door and run as quickly as I can to the lake's edge.

My blood runs cold when I finally see them.

Georgia and Irene are both in the lake, too far for their toes to reach the lake bottom.

"Georgia!" I yell as I run into the bone-chilling water toward them.

"She won't wake up! She started sleepwalking!" Irene yells as her head bobs up and down in the water, trying her hardest to stay afloat next to Georgia's still form. "She won't wake up!"

No, no, no. I can't lose her. I can't lose my only baby.

" Georgia! " Irene screams, her words muffled by the water as she pulls on Georgia's arm. "WAKE UP!"

I'm only a few feet away when Georgia goes under completely, leaving only a dark ring of floating hair as she sinks lower. Irene starts thrashing wildly as she reaches for anything to keep her body afloat. That's when I notice that she's holding onto Georgia's body, pushing her down farther as she uses my baby as a life raft.

" No! " I scream at Irene. " Get off her! "

As soon as I reach the girls, I grab Irene's arm and yank her off of Georgia, pushing her harder than I mean to away from us, deeper into the lake, and grab Georgia's still form.

I lift my daughter into my arms and kick furiously toward the shoreline. Georgia's dead weight threatens to drag us both under as I call on all my strength to get us out of this watery prison.

When I finally reach the shore, I lay Georgia down gently and bring my ear to her mouth, listening with my whole soul for any type of noise.

Nothing.

Tears stream down my face as I start CPR on my daughter. Her tiny body jerks violently with every thrust down.

"Come back to me, baby girl, come back!" I yell between movements.

After what feels like forever, her body convulses, and she sits up, spewing water all over both of us between coughing and panting for breath.

"Mama, what happened?" she asks weakly, her small body melting into mine.

I grab her and hold her to my chest, my body shaking from fear and adrenaline as I sob into her hair. "Nothing, baby girl. Nothing. You're okay. That's all that matters now. You're okay, you're okay."

"Where did Irene go?" Georgia asks, her voice hoarse from coughing up the lake.

I feel the color drain from my face, and I turn toward the lake behind me, my eyes scanning the surface of the dark water.

That's when I see her.

Floating face down in the lake.

Her pink frilly nightgown is like a piece of driftwood around her.

"Stay here, Georgia. Don't move. Just stay right here until I come back," I tell her, hugging her hard before racing back into the lake.

The lake that might possibly have become a graveyard tonight.

I swim as fast as I can, reaching Irene within moments. I grab her the same way I grabbed Georgia and fight like hell to get us both back to shore.

My energy is fading fast, and I practically throw us both down onto the shore. Irene's body hits the ground with a loud thump next to mine as I struggle to catch my breath.

"Turn around, Georgia," I beg her when I see her staring at Irene with wide eyes.

Grabbing Irene's still body, I listen for breath, the same way I listened for Georgia's, and I hear nothing.

I go through countless rounds of CPR. But Irene's body doesn't spring back to life like Georgia's did.

Her body remains motionless, suspended forever in this state. Her hazel eyes staring into the abyss of the night sky, the full moon reflecting through them.

That's when the reality of it finally sinks in. I bring Irene's lifeless body to my own, crying harder than I've ever done before as I rock her and hold her close to my body.

"I'm so sorry, Irene. I'm so sorry," I whisper to her, my tears getting lost in her dark, wet hair.

Georgia whimpers behind me, and I feel as though my heart is flayed open.

Overwhelming panic fights common sense as I realize what I must do.

I can't let Georgia get taken away from me. Everyone will think this is Georgia's fault because of her sleeping spells. Even though she has no control of them, she still walked into the lake, the dominos of cruel fate following in her wake.

I cannot be taken away from my daughter.

So we must lie.

I brush Irene's damp hair away from her face, closing her eyes forever with the palm of my hand, then I walk her back into the lake and leave her there.

Everyone will think she accidentally drowned.

I can't save her now, but I can save myself and my daughter.

If that makes me the worst person—the worst mother—in the universe, then so be it. I'll surrender my soul to Hell before I let my own child grow up without me.

I walk out of the lake, leaving Irene's body floating behind me. I wrap Georgia's shaking body into my arms and walk back into the house with one thought playing in my head over and over again.

I just killed my best friend's daughter . . . to save my own.