19. Georgia

19

Georgia

Now

T he fair is one of my favorite places in the world. I've only been twice, but both times are full of happy memories.

The aromas of fried treats and popcorn. The bright lights flashing in a hundred different directions from all the rides. I even love the smell of the petting farm, which might seem odd.

But everything combined reminds me of a happier time.

A time when my mother and my best friend were alive, laughing and screaming happily right along with me.

A time where the boy I loved, loved me back.

I look up at the giant Ferris wheel, remembering the time I spent with my mother in one of those silly little carts. Dangling on the edge of the world like nothing bad could ever happen to us. Her diary proved that she loved that moment just as much as I did.

Gazing over at the carousel, I remember the moment Ian first kissed me. I was sitting on the cat, and he was on the polar bear when our eyes met, and our laughter halted in place as we leaned closer to each other until our lips finally touched.

Nothing bad is allowed to happen at the fair.

Auden, Ian, and I can almost pretend like we are a happy little family while we are here. No ghosts, no secrets. Just us. There's no room for anything but joy to exist here today. After the last few stressful days at the manor, we all deserve a few hours of fun.

"What do you ladies want to do first?" Ian asks as we enter the fairgrounds. He holds tightly onto one of Auden's hands while I hold the other. He looks so very un-doctor-like in his deep gray shirt and black jeans, looking handsome as ever. The backpack strapped to his chest makes him look like he's getting ready for some tactical mission. His Braves hat tames his dark locks while his sunglasses cover up those galaxies I love so much.

"Hmm," Auden hums, looking in every direction possible as she struggles to make a decision. Her pinstripe shorts and pink glittery tank top clash horribly with her bright yellow sunglasses. Somehow she pulls it off, because five-year-olds can wear whatever they choose without looking ridiculous. Instead, she looks absurdly adorable.

"What if we do the carousel first? The line looks short right now, and we all know it'll be wrapped around the entire ride by lunch-time," Ian suggests, pointing to his left where the red and white-topped carousel awaits.

"Can I be the dolphin? Please, Mommy?" She tugs on my arm and jumps up and down, her pigtail braids whipping her in the face with each descent.

"Only if your mom can be the penguin and I can be the..." Ian strains to look at what animal sits on the other side of the dolphin. "Duck," he says in horror. "I guess I'll ride the duck."

I look over at him and fight a smile. He's always had this weird thing about ducks. I guess one chased him when he was younger, but I'm still convinced he was chased by a goose that lives on the property. Who gets chased by a duck?

"I'll take the duck, Ian. Don't worry. I'll make sure it doesn't run after you," I tease him as we get into line.

He leans against the railing across from me while Auden stretches both her arms out to touch both poles, nearly putting herself into the splits.

"My knight in shining...overalls," Ian muses, taking his sunglasses off and tucking them into his collar. The way he's looking me up and down makes me feel hot and cold at the same time. I wonder if he is also thinking about the first kiss we shared while on this same ride.

I'm in lavender overalls that I've cut to turn into shorts because the humidity and heat of Texas are already intense this far into spring. My black tank top fits snugly against me and matches the black ball cap that my hair is tucked into, my ponytail swaying back and forth in the breeze.

"Mommy, look! It's our turn now!" Auden yells as she runs toward her coveted blue dolphin. Ian helps her up and wraps the safety belt around her before taking his place on the penguin. I hop onto the duck and flash Ian an evil smirk over the top of Auden's head, making him shake his head with laughter.

This is nice. The three of us, doing something as mundane and normal as going to the fair as a family. Ian is so great with Auden. He's slipped into our daily life with such ease, and Auden absolutely adores him.

Too bad it'll all change the moment my lies unravel.

The carousel bell rings loudly over the speakers, signaling the start of the ride. Auden grips onto the pole tightly, her face a mixture of excitement and fear.

"It doesn't go that fast, hun. I promise it'll be fun."

Her smile lights up the world once she realizes that the ride isn't going to be scary. Her grip loosens, and she laughs loudly as her dolphin starts moving up and down underneath her. "Ian! Look at me! I'm bigger than you and Mommy!" she yells when her dolphin rises higher than ours.

My eyes meet Ian's, and my heart nearly stops when I see that he's also looking at Auden. His smile serene and content, like this is something he'd be happy doing for the rest of his life. This man is making it too easy to fall back in love with him. Especially when he looks at our daughter with so much adoration in his eyes.

The ride ends all too soon, and Ian helps Auden off of her dolphin. She blows the dolphin a kiss and promises that she'll be back to visit him later. Ian and I both let out small chuckles as we followed her toward the exit.

"Let's go on the Ferris wheel next!" Auden excitedly yells, pointing at the large blue ride in the distance. She grabs Ian's hand and skips ahead of us, pulling him right along with her.

"I'll meet you over there! I'm going to grab a couple of waters!" I yell after them. Ian flashes me a thumbs-up before they disappear into the crowd.

I make my way over to one of the concession stands, ordering three waters and two bags of cotton candy, one blue and one pink. I also grab a churro from myself because you can't go to the fair without grabbing something deliciously unhealthy, and the churros were my dad's favorite snack when he took me as a kid.

As I make my way toward the Ferris wheel, I decide it's probably not a bad idea to call my father and check on him since we most likely won't make it to the hospital tonight.

The call connects instantly.

"Hiya, Bug." His gruff voice sounds pleasantly surprised.

"Hi, Dad. Guess what I'm eating right now?" I ask, my mouth full of churro like the heathen I am.

"Well, I can hear the telltale signs of the fair, so if it's not a churro, you're grounded for life." His laugh is loud over the phone, making me smile while wanting to cry at the same time.

This is the dad I've missed the most over the last two decades. The one that makes silly jokes and big belly laughs because the joy he feels can't be contained. I don't know what changed, but something flipped a switch in my father, and I hope nobody ever flips the switch back. This is the grandfather that Auden has already fallen in love with, and the father that might convince me to stay at Crane.

Ian isn't the only reason to stay anymore.

"You still chewing, or did you hang up because you've realized you're grounded?"

I laugh loudly into the phone. "No, I'm still here. And yes, it's a churro, and it's as delicious as I remember it being when you brought me here for the first time."

"That was a good day. You and your mother both wore matching neon-orange T-shirts so I wouldn't lose you," he muses, clearly fond of this memory.

"I don't remember the orange shirts, but I remember the Ferris wheel with her. It was magical. Ian and I are actually about to take Auden on the Ferris wheel. I just wanted to call you and see how you're feeling today," I say while looking for Ian and Auden. I don't see them in the line.

"I'm feeling much better. I'd be a hell of a lot better if you talked that boy of yours into convincing these angry doctors to feed me a bacon cheeseburger."

I sigh loudly into the speaker. "Dad, he's not my boy. I don't know what he is."

"I take it you haven't told him about Auden, then? Because, Georgia, you know the moment you do, it'll change everything."

"That's what I'm afraid of," I whisper. "It could change everything for the better, or it could ruin Auden's future if he wants nothing to do with us after I spill the beans."

Dad's gruff laugh rings loudly through the phone. "That boy ain't going anywhere without you girls."

I smile to myself, praying that what my father is saying ends up being true.

"Mommy!" I hear Auden's voice screaming from above me, and when I look up, I see her and Ian sitting together on the Ferris wheel as it slowly starts going up. They are both waving and smiling huge smiles at me.

"Dad, I gotta go. Auden and Ian are on the ride, and I want to take a photo of them. I'll send it to you."

"You three have fun. I love you, Bug. Talk to you later. Thanks for checking up on me."

"Love you, Dad. I'll come see you tomorrow," I promise him before hanging up.

I turn the camera app on and point it toward Auden and Ian, taking several snapshots before turning it to video mode and hitting record.

I don't want to miss this moment of them together, and I know it'll be one Auden will cherish forever.

Once their turn on the ride is up, Auden comes running toward me, her pigtails hopping up and down with each bound.

"Mama! That was the coolest ride ever! Ian pointed out all the buildings, and once we got to the tippy-top, he showed me where home was! I could see it all the way from over here! It was so awesome," Auden tells me in a rush, barely taking a breath.

Home , she called it.

Maybe Crane Manor could be our home.

"Sorry we didn't wait for you. This girl of yours lacks patience, much like someone else I know," Ian teases with a sly smirk. "Did you eat a churro without me?"

"I might have. Why?"

Ian laughs and licks his thumb before bringing it to my face. "You have some sugar right here," he says, wiping it away gently.

It causes every butterfly in my stomach to take flight while my skin feels like it's on fire where he touched me.

"I, uh—thanks. I got these for you two," I say nervously as I hand over the pink and blue cotton candy. Auden digs into the pink bag immediately. "The pink is obviously for Auden. But the blue is for you. Naturally."

The first kiss we shared was a mix of sticky lips and tasted of blue cotton candy and churros, and I'd be lying to myself if I wasn't thinking of replicating that same kiss at this exact moment. I know I put the brakes on whatever this started to be when we got a little too drunk in the library. But I can't breathe when he's in the same room as me, let alone listen to my brain's reasoning. Especially when my heart is pleading, begging even, to lean in to kiss him again.

Ian takes the bag of cotton candy from me, our fingers brushing slightly. Fire burns in my lungs as I remember those same fingers cupped around my face just the other night, kissing me thoroughly.

Somehow, we still ended up wrapped in each other's arms by the end of the night.

"Oh, speaking of food," Ian says excitedly as he reaches into the backpack he's wearing. "I brought these for you." He hands me a bag of Hot Cheetos, a Chesire cat grin on his face.

I take them and roll my eyes at him. "I can't believe you still remember how much I love these." I grin up at him.

"I remember everything that you love, Georgia." His voice hits me like a soft caress against my already heated senses, and I feel the blush creep up my neck and into my cheeks.

"Are you blushing for me, Georgie?" Ian smirks.

"Eww, no. It's just the heat."

He leans in, his lips a hair's breadth from my ear, and whispers, "Friends, right?"

I clear my throat and glance over at Auden, who is still devouring her cotton candy. Her hands and face are covered in a pink sticky mess. It's hard to just want to be friends when the three of us fit together like a natural, real family. Especially here. All around us, there are happy little families. Riding the rides together, eating at tables, laughing. All of them seem so happy.

I look up at Ian, and my reflection stares back at me through the lens of his sunglasses. If I look a little closer, I wonder if I can see the lies written all over my face. Instead, I flash a smile at Ian before stepping closer to him.

"Friends, yes," I whisper into his ear, inhaling the sandalwood and citrus scent that seems to always surround him. "But maybe, something more, too?"

I place my hand on his chest. His ragged breathing matches my own as his heart races in tune with mine. I step back, putting some distance between us, before he grabs my hand that still lingers on his chest. Giving Auden another glance, I make sure that she's completely occupied with her snack before I look back up at Ian. My hand is clutched in his, my palm sitting flush against his heart as he leans in and brushes his lips against mine softly. Just a peck, really. But it's enough to set my skin ablaze all over again.

Ian pulls away all too soon, his mouth moving from my lips to my ear again. "Something more, I think," he whispers before finally stepping away from me and smiling down at me like I've captured the sun just for him.

"What ride should we all go on next?" Auden's voice jars me like a jug of ice-cold water being poured over my head. "I vote for the haunted house!"

Ian chuckles next to me. "Why don't we go get cleaned off first? Then we can definitely go into the haunted house. Maybe it'll scare your mom like it did the first time we went in it."

Auden looks down at her pink-stained hands and then back at us. "When did you come here without me?"

"I'll tell you on the walk to the bathroom," Ian tells her as he holds out his arm like a fancy prince from a Disney movie.

She wraps her arm through his, and I follow behind them toward the bathrooms near the back of the fairgrounds.

"I'm waiting for the story," Auden sasses. One day, she's going to get in trouble for that attitude, but at five years old, it's just a little cute. Plus, Ian could use some sass in his life once in a while.

"Okay, so, when your mom and I were teenagers, I asked her on a date and brought her here," he tells her. "We went to the haunted house, and I was hoping she'd get scared enough to finally hold my hand," Ian continues with a wink thrown back at me over his shoulders.

I roll my eyes, but I'm secretly loving hearing his side of this story. I vividly remember Ian screaming like a banshee and me having to basically carry his ass through the rest of the haunted house.

"We were in this room that had this really scary clown." Ian stops and looks down at Auden. "If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I don't mess around with clowns. Especially the scary ones. Your mom made me watch It with her, like, five hundred times, and Pennywise still scares the crap out of me."

Auden giggles and turns to look at me. "I guess we can't ever go to the circus with Ian, Mom."

"I will absolutely be forcing Ian to a circus one day," I tease. "That is a promise."

"Ian, do you know where California is?" Auden asks. "Because they always have a really big circus where we live, and maybe one day you can come visit us after we have to go back."

Ian looks over his shoulder at me, a wistful sort of smile playing on his lips.

"Wait, what happened in the clown room?" Auden asks as we step up to the bathrooms.

"How about you go wash your hands, really, really, well. And then I'll finish telling you. Deal?" Ian holds out his pinky, then pulls it back when he sees her pink hands. "How about we shake on that deal once your hands aren't pink anymore?"

Auden rolls her eyes at him with a playful smile. "Deal! I'll be right back! You guys better not go to the haunted house without me!"

"I would never!" I shout in mock horror, holding my hands to my chest like she's wounded me for just suggesting it.

"Love you, Mama."

"Love you, too, kiddo."

Ian and I watch as Auden runs into the bathroom.

"I—" I start.

"Don't leave," Ian says at the same time, ripping his sunglasses off of his face, tucking them into his T-shirt.

"What?" I stare at him, into those hazel eyes that have always felt like home. So many conflicting thoughts rush through me.

He steps closer and grabs both of my hands in his, pulling them to his chest. "Please don't go back. Stay here. Stay with me. Both of you."

I take a deep breath. "Ian, there are so many things I need to say. Need to tell you. You may not want me to stay once I tell you everything. You might hate me afterward."

"There's nothing you can say to make me hate you. Nothing, Georgia." His hands squeeze mine harder. "I want all of this. You, me, Auden. A family—our family. There's nothing you can tell me that'll make me feel differently. I've loved you for my entire life, and I'll love you for the rest of it."

"You guys went into the haunted house without me!" Auden shouts. Ian breaks my gaze, and we turn toward her. Her arms are crossed, and her eyebrows are knitted together in anger.

Ian shakes his head at her. "No, we've been right here the whole time. I swear it."

She walks closer and points at our hands, which are still clutched together and resting on Ian's chest. "Then why are you holding hands again?"

I yank my hands away from Ian's, and hurt flashes over his features before he hides it with a smile for Auden.

"Your mom had a splinter, and I was helping her get it out," he lies effortlessly. "Let's go to the haunted house!" He reaches out, and Auden takes his hand.

They walk away from me before I'm able to process everything that just happened.

Before I can tell Ian my secrets and tell him that I love him, too.

That I've never stopped loving every single thing about him.

I'm not sure my heart knows how to unlove him.