1. Georgia

1

Georgia

Now

" A uden, honey! You need to hurry up, or I'm getting in the Jeep and leaving without you!" I yell for what feels like the hundredth time. Stress and uneasiness have filled my veins ever since I got the call from Mrs. Foster over two weeks ago that my father was sick.

Thank goodness this unwanted trip lined up perfectly with Auden's spring break. I can't imagine they'd fail anyone in kindergarten, but it's a chance I was glad I didn't have to take.

I would never actually leave her here in California, but I wish so much that she didn't have to go with me. I wish I had made at least one trustworthy friend in the last five years. But the only friends and family I have are the ones I've been trying to hide her from.

Nobody of importance knows my daughter exists, but they will soon enough.

The thought makes me nauseated and dizzy enough to make me reach out and grab the countertop for balance, placing my forehead onto the cool marble.

Deep breath in, Georgie girl.

Mom used to say that to me and rub my back with a featherlike touch when I was upset about something. And even though I try not to think of her often, whenever I'm stressed, I hear her whispering it in my ear and feel the phantom touch on my back.

She's the one ghost I've never been able to escape.

"I'm coming, Mama! Don't leave without me!" Auden shouts back from the small hallway. I straighten myself up and smile brightly as she appears in the doorway. I can't help the small chuckle that escapes my lips when I see her dragging her bright pink suitcase behind her and trying to shoulder Horton's cat carrier while he yowls in protest.

"Oh, Horton, hush! We are going to visit Mama's giant house, and you'll have lots of mice to go chase around like you used to when you lived there as a tiny baby kitty," Auden tells him excitedly.

I don't have the heart to tell her this Horton is not the same cat as the Horton I grew up with. My Horton passed away of old age when I was seventeen. The day I moved into my first apartment in Los Angeles, I walked down to the local shelter and found this sweet orange tabby cat that needed a home, and I knew I needed him. Naming him Horton might have been a bit morbid, but every time I saw him trotting his way through the tiny apartment, I couldn't help but feel like this Horton was my Horton reincarnated.

Five-year-olds have a skewed concept of time, so I've just let her believe both Hortons are one and the same. I think she likes the idea of having something from my childhood around since I've refused to tell her anything real. My daughter doesn't need to know the dark secrets of my past. She doesn't need to be haunted by them the way I've been since the day my mother tried to kill me.

"Okay, let's load these into the car and get on the road! Our plane is going to fly away without us if we don't get a move on," I tell Auden while I grab both her suitcase and Horton and place a gentle kiss on her forehead, earning me an impressive eye roll from my sweet, but sassy, child.

My bag is already loaded. I packed light because I have no intention of being in that place for longer than a week. I told Mrs. Foster exactly that, and I could feel her disappointment through the strained silence over the phone.

If I had it my way, Auden wouldn't even know that Crane Manor existed. But the curious side of my daughter went snooping under my bed a few months ago and found my box. The only box I've kept from my life before. One that contains photos that Ian, Irene, and I took all around Crane Manor when Mrs. Foster got us all cameras one Christmas. Old cards from my parents from birthdays long past. My diary I kept as a child, before . I left the diary from after sitting between my mattress and box spring back at Crane Manor. I didn't need written proof of what happened at night once all the lights were out...

Those images of Mother still haunt me to this day.

"Mama," Auden says quietly as I help her into the Jeep and into her booster seat. "What if they don't like me?"

I look into those beautiful hazel eyes of hers, the ones that look so much like her father's. I told him once his eyes were like my own personal galaxy, and as long as I could stare into them whenever I wanted, I could survive anything.

Auden is now that galaxy. The one my entire soul is tied to, orbiting around her every breath, and gravitating toward her every move.

I hold her little face in my hands and kiss both of her cheeks, admiring the splash of freckles she inherited from me. "Honey, the moment they meet you, they will absolutely adore you. I promise you that with my whole heart, okay?"

She smiles that smile that she reserves for me, the one that's full of trust and love that only a child could muster up. "Okay, Mama. I believe you. Can we go now? I'm ready to pick out my airplane snacks!"

"Are you more excited to go on an airplane for the first time or raid the snack shop?" I ask with a knowing smile as I get behind the wheel of the Jeep and start the ignition.

I look into the rearview mirror and watch her contemplate my question, her face in deep thinking mode as she taps her fingers against her chin.

"Why can't it be both?"

I laugh loudly as I pull out of the apartment complex. "You got me there, kid. We can be equally excited for both."

"I'm most excited to meet my grandpa, though," she says quietly to Horton, who is in his carrier next to her seat.

My heart constricts, and I gnaw at my bottom lip the entire drive to the airport.

Going home, facing him, seeing my father again...it all seemed like the worst idea in the world. A haunted past I escaped and one I would never expose my daughter to.

I was okay with keeping Auden a secret, even if that meant I would never see the two men I loved most in my life ever again. I was safer without them, happier even.

I still believe it with every breath.