Chapter 33 James

Eight years earlier

James closed the lock on the bathroom door and poured his vodka soda down the sink. He refilled his red solo cup with water and used some more water to splash his face.

A stronger man wouldn't have to switch out his drink in secret. A stronger man would own the fact that he didn't want to drink tonight. But James was weak. He knew he cared too much about what others thought, but he couldn't stop himself from pretending. Besides, he'd only have to pretend for three more months until he moved to California for college.

At first, James' popularity in high school had come easily to him. James was smart, rich, and athletic. He knew he was good-looking. The hottest girls in school had always swooned over him. He had naturally fallen into the popular group freshman year and then become one of its unofficial leaders. Then last year, the final step in his journey to conquer high school had clicked into place when he'd started dating Mary Grace.

But James had started to realize that what had been given could be easily taken away. A few months ago, he had decided to skip a couple of parties to rest up before big tennis tournaments. He had invited Mary Grace over to his place both times, but she'd opted to go to the parties with her friends rather than hang out at home with him.

James got the distinct impression he had been uninvited to a couple of parties after that, and so he had decided he would go out with his friends and simply not drink. But when he told his buddies he wouldn't be drinking one night, they laughed at him and called him a middle-aged man. The taunts had escalated after they'd all gotten their college acceptances. His friends had only worked hard in high school to get into college; once they had acceptances in hand, school and sports didn't matter to them anymore. When James tried to explain that he was trying to make tennis his career and couldn't afford to fuck around, they dismissed his concerns, citing other pro athletes who were at the top of their game despite legendary drinking and even drug habits.

James knew he should probably just stop caring what his friends thought — or better yet, find some new friends. But he simply couldn't bring himself to give up his seat at the top of the food chain. He was addicted to the popularity, to the way the sea of students parted for him in the school hallway.

You're not in high school anymore , James tried to remind himself. He had graduated this morning, and of course, Mary Grace was hosting the graduation night party at which to be seen.

James had told himself months ago just to keep up with the popular kids until graduation. Then he'd go off to college and never have to impress any of these people ever again. Except for Mary Grace, he'd supposed. Mary Grace had applied to Stanford in order to stay with James, who'd committed to playing college tennis there. The McMahon family's sizable donation to Stanford last year secured her early admission along with James.

James knew he should be happy Mary Grace was moving across the country to be with him. And she would excel at Stanford; she'd graduated second in their class academically. She would help him feel comfortable as he moved away from home for the first time. So why did some tiny part of James wish he could start over without knowing a single person at Stanford?

He felt guilty for even thinking about it. He decided to try to enjoy tonight, even if he had to pretend to drink vodka while doing it.

He took a deep breath and unlocked the door to Mary Grace's en suite bathroom. Mary Grace had put a giant "CAUTION! DO NOT ENTER!" sign on her bedroom door for tonight's party, but James figured that the sign didn't apply to her boyfriend. As James walked toward the door, a movement on the balcony outside of the bedroom caught his eye.

James figured a couple of kids had snuck onto the balcony to hook up. He knew Mary Grace would be upset; she hated anyone going into her bedroom or private spaces, despite offering up her living room and backyard to be trashed tonight.

James opened the door to chastise whomever had found their way out there, but to his surprise, he found one of his high school classmates sitting alone. The girl's deep blue eyes reflected the full moon above her. She had her legs drawn up to her stomach and she looked lost in thought.

Her name was Liana, James thought. She'd been in a couple of his honors classes, but as far as he could remember, they'd never had a real conversation. The first time he'd ever really heard her talk outside of class was at graduation this morning; she'd given their class's valedictorian speech. James searched his mind for any remnants of her speech but found he couldn't remember a word she had said. Granted, Mary Grace had been hissing in his ear during the entire speech that Liana had stolen the valedictorian title somehow.

James felt suddenly ashamed, even though he knew Liana hadn't heard what Mary Grace whispered to him during the speech. Still, Mary Grace had disrespected Liana's speech, and James felt an absurd urge to apologize to this girl he didn't know on behalf of his girlfriend.

James only realized he'd been gawking at Liana when she asked him, "Are you okay?"

For reasons he couldn't explain, James felt himself asking, "May I join you for a minute?"

Liana indicated the chair next to hers. "Be my guest."

"So," he said after an awkward silence, "did you ignore the ‘keep out' signs too and sneak into Mary Grace's room?"

"I did ignore the signs, yes. But I didn't go into Mary Grace's room. I came out here through Tori's room." She indicated the sliding glass door on the opposite side of the balcony. "I figured that as Tori's best friend, I had the right to ignore the signs. After all, she deliberately ignores any pretense of privacy when she's at my house."

James chuckled. He vaguely remembered seeing Liana with his girlfriend's sister a couple of times. But he hadn't hung out with Tori much. In fact, Mary Grace seemed never to interact with Tori. When Mary Grace was at home, Tori was always out of the house, somehow.

"Ah, so that's where Tori goes when she's hiding from me," James joked. "Your place."

"Usually. My mom has basically adopted her as a second daughter. One time, I got home from band practice only to find Tori sitting on my bed. My mom had simply let her into my house even though they both knew I wouldn't be home for an hour, and I hadn't even invited Tori over."

James laughed appreciatively, but his gut felt heavy. None of James' friends would ever feel comfortable enough at his house to invite themselves over when James wasn't there. James would never invite himself over to any of his so-called friends' houses, either.

Liana studied him. "You look deep in thought. What are you thinking about?"

"You really want to know?"

She nodded. After a steadying breath, he said, "I'm thinking about how I finally realized, on the last day of high school, that I don't have any real friends." He shook his head. "Sorry. That was way too heavy for graduation night."

"No, it's okay. You can talk to me," she said, and for some reason, he really felt like he could spill his guts to her. She added, "I'm just surprised, that's all. Aren't you, like, Mr. Popular?"

He laughed. "I've heard that once or twice. But it turns out that popularity may not equate to real friendship. Can I tell you a secret?"

She raised her brows. "I mean, we're out here alone, our friends are all wasted in the backyard in front of us, and we're about to go off to college and never see each other again. This seems like the best time to tell me a secret."

"Well, as it turns out, that's kind of my secret. I never want to see a single one of these people ever again."

"Like, you wouldn't even come to our high school reunions? What about ten years from now?"

He smiled. "I guess I could change my mind in ten years, but yeah. As of now, if I never see a single person here again, it would be too soon."

"Damn. I guess being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be." Liana narrowed her eyes, as if suddenly realizing something. "Wait. Isn't this your girlfriend's house? I assume she's not included in the ‘I never want to see these people again' comment." She made air quotes around the phrase.

"Fuck," said James. He knew he'd said too much. What was he doing, telling his deepest secrets to this girl he didn't know?

Liana whistled. "Okay. Fuck. Aren't you going away to college with her? Like, you're about to move across the country to California with her?"

"Yeah. Shit. I mean, of course I want to see her again."

"Okaaay." She drew out the word. "Well, if you don't mind my asking, why stay with her if you're this unsure?"

James drew a deep breath. "I do want to go to college with her. I don't know what I was thinking, implying I didn't. I guess it's the vodka making me say weird shit." He raised his solo cup of water, still pretending it was vodka even though some part of him knew Liana wouldn't judge him for being sober. "I love Mary Grace. I really do. And she's really great. Just sometimes… I guess I want the opportunity to start over. I know that sounds so shitty. Like, people would kill for my life. I get it. I just feel like… ugh, I don't even know how to say this."

After a moment, she said softly, "You can tell me."

"I feel like this life was chosen for me, down to the details. My dad chose tennis, my dad chose Stanford… fuck, I don't even know if I chose Mary Grace. I feel like I got with her because it was inevitable, you know? Like, this is the kind of life I need to lead because everybody expects it of me. The kind of life I need to lead because everybody else would kill for it. And now, I keep living this life because it's comfortable, but sometimes, I just want to strike a match and set my whole life on fire and then start over. Try to build something myself. Something I want, that nobody chose for me. Like I said, I know that sounds shitty."

"It doesn't sound shitty. It sounds like you feel trapped."

"Don't get me wrong." He felt the need to backtrack, like he'd said too much. "Mary Grace is a really great girl. She's beautiful, smart, funny. I care about her a lot. I love her."

"It's okay, dude. You don't have to convince me. I don't really know you, and I don't really know her. Live your life."

"Well, I've just spilled my guts to someone I don't really know. Please, make me feel better about myself and tell me something about you. A secret."

"Hey, that's not how this works. You didn't say we were playing truth or dare."

"Please? I promise, I'm amazing at keeping secrets." He drew a cross over his heart. "Cross my heart. I mean, I'm Jewish, so I guess crossing my heart doesn't mean much, but I won't tell anyone. We'll just be two kind-of acquaintances who told each other a secret and then never saw each other again."

She laughed. "Fine. Okay, I'm thinking." After a second, she said, "I don't know if I want to move away for college."

He rolled his eyes. "I said to tell a secret. Literally everybody at this party is scared to move away for college except for the people staying in Miami."

"Okay, okay." She thought for a few more seconds, and then said, "I've never — I'm a virgin." She immediately buried her head in her hands. "Fuck. I can't believe I just told you that."

He shrugged. "Hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, that's easy for you to say. You're not in my situation."

He laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But seriously, a lot of these poseurs wouldn't admit it, but I bet half the people at this party haven't had sex. Besides," he couldn't help adding, "you'll soon have lots of college guys tripping over themselves to get with you. Talk to me in a year, when we come home next summer. I bet you won't be a virgin if you don't want to be."

They both turned beet red at the same time, and James internally cursed. He probably shouldn't have said that. "Sorry," he said. "I swear I'm not implying anything."

He was worried he'd screwed up the conversation, but she said, "It'll be hard to talk to you next summer, seeing as you've just told me you never want to see me again."

"Not you, specifically," he hastened to correct, but her eyes danced with mirth, and he saw that she was joking. "Okay, okay, fine. We'll never see each other again. I promise that even if we run into each other on the street, we will never ever speak of this conversation again."

"Never?"

"Never. So with that in mind, any other secrets you feel like spilling?"

"Hm," she said thoughtfully. "Let's see. I've been told I'm really hard to get to know. I know that's not a big secret, but people think that because I'm quiet and introverted, there must be some big personality waiting for me to reveal if only they could get to know me. But my secret is that I don't think that's true. I don't think people find me interesting when they get to know me. I'm afraid I really don't have a personality at all. I think I'm just a boring person."

The words cut through James like a knife. How could she think that? "Nope," James shook his head. "That doesn't count as a secret because it's not true."

"How do you know?" she asked. "You barely know me."

"Because I haven't been bored for a second sitting with you."

She smiled sadly. "Thanks. That's nice of you to say."

He shook his head more adamantly. How could he convince her that he was telling the truth? "I'm not just saying it. You're not boring, I promise you. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. In fact, I kind of think I'm a secret introvert hiding in an extrovert's body."

"You are?"

"I think so. I haven't quite worked out who I am yet." He sucked in a breath. "Damn, I just told you another secret. You owe me like five secrets right now."

She laughed.

"Come on," he coaxed. "We're never going to talk about any of this after tonight, remember? Not even if we're somehow the last two people on earth. We'll talk about — well, I guess we'll have to talk about how to gather food and how to survive the zombies I assume are chasing us. But we won't talk about this conversation."

She grinned. "Zombies, huh?"

"I mean, I plan on surviving the zombie apocalypse through sheer force of will. I'll keep you alive with me."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hey, you're stalling again. Secrets, remember?"

"Okay. Secrets. Well… I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've always been good at school, but I have no idea if I'll be good at anything else. I've been told all my life to put my career first, but I kind of want a family more than I want a career. My parents divorced and told me marriage is an institution straight from hell, but I really want to get married someday, and I feel guilty about it because my mom always told me never to get married. Also, I stole one tampon out of a box at CVS when I was 13 because I got my period unexpectedly and I couldn't remember the PIN on my mom's debit card. I couldn't sleep for days after because I thought the cops were about to arrest me."

James laughed. Liana gestured to the speakers blaring across the backyard. "Oh, and I hate country music. I know country music is cool and all that, and I'm supposed to know the words to all of these songs, but I simply cannot stand country music and I don't know the lyrics to any of the popular songs."

"Ditto. To all of that."

She raised her brows. "Seriously?"

"I mean, except for the tampon story, obviously. And my parents aren't divorced, although they share your parents' general attitude toward the institution of marriage. But the rest of it, yeah. Ditto. Everything you said."

"Oh. But I thought you knew exactly what you want to do with your life. Don't you want to make a career out of tennis?"

He nodded. "Sure. But that'll end sooner than later, and I'm worried I'll be a middle-aged man with no idea of who I am outside of tennis."

"Okay, so you only sort of know what you want to do with your life." She nudged him playfully. "So, ditto only a couple of the things I said. Now I feel like you know way more of my secrets than I know of yours. Tell me more of your secrets."

"Well, I once cheated on a sixth grade math pop quiz. I've been stealing bottles of beer out of my dad's fridge for years, and I think he's never noticed. Oh, and all of those beers were for my friends, not for me because I hardly ever drink. I've never been drunk in my life. I want to get drunk, just once. I tell myself I'm staying sober to keep in shape for tennis, but really, I'm afraid of letting loose and losing control in front of anyone I know. I hate my father more often than not. I fantasize about stealing all his money and running away to live on a private island where I never have to talk to anybody. And I wish I could do high school over again and be friends with you."

He dared a look into her big eyes. She looked like she was about to respond, but just as she opened her mouth, a voice rang out from inside the house. "Liana?"

Tori slid open the balcony door. "Oh, here you are, Li-Li!" She climbed onto the balcony and gave James a mock-salute. She looked around for a chair, and then, finding none, sat right on Liana's lap. "I am waaaaasted, girl! Like, seriously! How many fingers am I holding up?" She held up her hand and wiggled all five fingers. "Seriously, I don't even know how many fingers."

"That's not how it works, Tori," Liana said, laughing. "You're supposed to tell me how many fingers I am holding up."

James slid his solo cup into Tori's hand. "Drink this," he said. Liana looked at him in a silent question. "It's water," he said, somewhat sheepishly, and he saw her fight to hide her surprise.

"James Alonsooooo," crooned Tori after a long gulp of water. "You gave me a cup of water and now you are my hero!"

"Okay, girly," Liana interjected. "Let's get you into bed."

"I don't wanna go to bed. I wanna stay up and party some more! But wait —" she clutched her mouth. "Oh God. I'm gonna puke." She rushed inside, shouting, "Bathroom!"

Liana stood up, shaking her head. "Sorry about her, James," she winced. James realized it was the first time Liana had said his name. He had sort of thought that maybe she didn't know his name. But he liked the way it sounded on her lips.

"It's okay," he said. "Go take care of your friend."

Liana nodded, hearing James' unspoken addition: "You're lucky to have a real friend."

"Well," Liana said. "Thanks for the company. I guess I'll never see you again. Have a nice life. Goodbye, stranger."

James smiled. "Bye, stranger."

◆◆◆

Present day

James looked over at the woman who'd provided him solace on their high school graduation night. "So, are we finally going to break our rule and talk about that graduation night conversation?"

Liana thought for a second. "Well, the zombie apocalypse hasn't come yet, but you and I are dating, and in teenage Liana's mind the zombies were more likely. So yep, I think we can talk about it."

"Did you know," James said, "that after we talked, after you went inside with Tori, I stayed on the balcony for a while? I didn't go back to the party. I just stayed there watching everyone, and then I texted Mary Grace that I was going to sleep in her room. I fell right asleep. I don't even remember her getting into bed. And… I'm ashamed to admit this, but the next morning I saw you sleeping. I peeked my head into Tori's room when I woke up early, just to check on Tori and see how hungover she was. I opened the door and saw both of you sleeping so peacefully in Tori's bed. Then I shut the door and went downstairs and started cleaning up after our stupid friends who wrecked the house."

"I remember sleeping over with Tori. But I don't remember seeing you at their house in the morning."

James shook his head. "I left before anyone else woke up. I scrubbed vomit off the living room floor and threw away trash for about an hour, and then I needed to go away and clear my head. I'm pretty sure Mary Grace was so wasted that she doesn't remember anything from that night or even the next morning. She never asked me if I cleaned up the house, or even mentioned that it was surprisingly clean when she woke up. I think in her little Mary Grace bubble, shit just works itself out and other people do the cleaning, and you never wonder who's doing the work for you."

"I thought about you sometimes after that night," Liana admitted. "I wondered over the years how you were doing at Stanford, if you stayed with Mary Grace. Sometimes, I hoped we would run into each other in Miami so I could see how you were doing."

"I thought about you sometimes too," James echoed. "When I was at college, I occasionally wanted to message you. But I didn't want to come close to crossing any lines with Mary Grace and couldn't quite figure out how to word things platonically. I told myself that our world was so small, we'd run into each other at some point. But we never crossed paths until a few months ago in my class."

"Did you stop hanging out with your high school friends, like you said you were going to?"

"Actually, yeah. I kept hanging out with Mary Grace, obviously, and one or two of our high school friends, but we did end up kind of cutting the rest of them out, slowly. Mary Grace seemed happy to stop hanging out with them too. I think she'd thought there were better — I mean, more famous — people to be friends with."

"Like Brock."

James shook his head sadly. "I guess she got everything she wanted. But enough about Mary Grace. Liana, when I saw you again on the court in February, it was like those eight years never happened. I was back on that balcony, back in high school, with our mistakes and our regrets and our whole life ahead of us. As soon as I saw you, I knew you were meant to be in my life somehow. I know it's crazy, and it was just one conversation, but you learned more about me in ten minutes than anybody else ever knew about me. Not my parents, not my friends. I felt like you knew me. I felt like I could be honest with you and you wouldn't run in the other direction. It's crazy, but as soon as I saw you a few months ago, it felt like fate that you were back in my life, right at the moment when I was ready to accept you."

"I know the feeling. I wouldn't have been in a place to be with you before a few months ago. And there was no way you would have given me the time of day in high school." He started to protest, but she stuck her tongue out at him. "Come on; don't pretend. We had one serendipitous conversation after we graduated, but there's no universe in which you would have been friends with me in high school, much less more than friends. Don't worry. It all worked out for the best."

He smiled. "It did. So, does this mean you accept my apology?"

"Yeah." Then her face lit up. "Wait, this is a milestone, isn't it? Like, we survived our first fight!"

James groaned. "This isn't a milestone I particularly want to remember or celebrate."

"Don't worry. I'll screw up plenty of times in the future, I'm sure."

"But you want there to be a future?" he asked hopefully.

She nodded seriously. "Hopefully a long one."

He beamed, but his frown fell quickly as he saw his father approaching. "So, my dad wants to invite you to my grandpa's Seder next week," James murmured in Liana's ear. "It's, like, a really big deal to him, so if he acts like he's inviting you to the king's coronation, would you mind indulging him?"

She laughed. "Of course I wouldn't mind. I want to get to know your family, James."

He shook his head. "I don't deserve you, but thanks."

"Mr. Alonso," Liana said as she stood. "Did you have a good time at the event today?"

As he watched his girlfriend and his dad converse, it felt like a final puzzle piece in his life clicked into place.