Chapter 21 James

A little less than an hour later, a freshly showered James sat close to Liana at the kitchen table, enjoying the last of their dinner. Finally, a text came through from Kels: Harry was fine, with no signs of infection or anything else serious. The veterinarian suspected he simply had a virus or had eaten something that didn't agree with him.

James hadn't realized how worried he had been about Harry until he got the news. He and Kels had adopted Harry together a few months ago after passing a county-sponsored adoption fair at the park one day. They'd talked vaguely about getting a pet, but they weren't close to making concrete plans to do so until Kelsey had bounded excitedly up to the cats. She immediately gravitated toward Harry — who had some other inane name at the time; James couldn't remember it — and had pleaded with big puppy-dog eyes to James to take the cat home.

James had fully intended on saying no; he wasn't big on making big life changes spontaneously. But one look at the little gray rescue cat with fuzzy ears, and James found he couldn't resist. He blamed his recent breakup, but his emotions were running higher than usual, and the thought of having someone in his life who wouldn't reject him seemed immensely appealing.

James and Kelsey had signed up for the foster-to-adopt program, but after seeing how well Harry fit into their lives after just a couple of weeks, they signed the adoption paperwork. James hadn't once regretted the decision. He loved Harry, and it felt like he'd always been a part of his life.

Luckily, Harry hadn't been sick much in the past few months; he was in relatively good health when they got him, and the shelter had brought him up to date on his vaccinations. James hadn't realized how stressful it would be to see Harry sick. Now that he knew Harry was fine, he could relax and fully enjoy the rest of the night with Liana.

Liana had been amazing throughout the entire ordeal. After she cleaned the living room — James felt a pang of self-loathing every time he thought of that — Liana had engaged James in a conversation about pickleball, helping to keep his mind off of his cat. She kept giving him little soothing touches during dinner, subtly letting him know she was there for him.

"Kels just texted to say that the cat is okay, and it's probably just a virus," he told Liana. "Want to watch a movie?" As badly as he still wanted Liana, he didn't want to start something if Kels was about to burst in any second, probably wanting to tell them about the visit to the vet.

"Sure," Liana said, "but, just in case, maybe we should still avoid the couch?"

"Probably a good call. We could sit on my bed?" As soon as he said it, his palms felt clammy and his heart sped up. Why was he suddenly feeling so nervous about taking her into his room? He'd told her hours earlier that he wanted to have sex with her tonight, and she had seemed very much onboard. He desperately wanted to make good on his promise as soon as he knew he'd have enough time with her. But he couldn't deny that he was nervous. Would he be good enough? Would he screw things up somehow on the day they became a couple?

"Whatcha thinking about, Alonso?" Liana asked, moving onto his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I'm so in my head right now. Is it that obvious?"

"Mmm hmm. Talk to me."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I just…" He trailed off, trying to put a voice to his thoughts in a way that made sense. "Sometimes I don't feel good enough."

She snuggled into his chest. "You don't feel good enough for me?"

He swallowed and nodded. "I've really never felt good enough at anything. Honestly, even when I was this hotshot tennis player in high school, I had a crippling fear that I'd never be good enough to go pro. There was this guy who was on the tennis team with me. He was jealous that he was always losing to me, always ranked lower, always playing second fiddle, and so he decided he would try to get in my head at every turn. He'd murmur things like, ‘You're the classic guy who peaks in high school and you'll never go pro,' or ‘Teachers' pet, coaches' pet; daddy's money is nice, isn't it?' And everyone always told me not to listen to him, that he was jealous that I was better at tennis than he was, but he wasn't the problem. It was that he was putting voice to the exact thoughts I had, like he was a little devil sitting on my shoulder or something.

"And then when I did go pro, I never made it past the third round of a major tournament, even though I was doing well at the smaller ones. And then I had my shoulder injury, and my career was over. And it sort of confirmed what I'd always thought would happen, you know? I always figured I'd fail somehow."

"Getting injured isn't failing," Liana said gently.

"I know that. But it still felt inevitable to me. And my dad had kind of always told me I wasn't enough, but after I stopped playing tennis, he looked at me like I was worthless to him, you know? The only times he was proud of me were when I won at tennis, and when I didn't have that… well, it almost felt like there was no point in trying."

Liana kissed him, first his temple, then along his jawline. "You are enough, James. If you could see into my mind right now, to see how much I think the world of you… I'm crazy about you."

"Right back at you. And thank you. I know that, intellectually, but sometimes it's hard to believe it. But you sitting on my lap right now does wonders for my self-confidence."

"Good. You should be confident. I don't understand what it's like to have the pressures of a professional athlete, but I know what it's like to feel like you've failed the people you love, and it's not a good feeling. Just know that you are more than enough to me."

"God, Abrams, every time I think you couldn't be more perfect, you know the right thing to say."

"Thank my therapist," she joked.

"Oh, believe me, the field of psychiatry has had a field day with me. There was a time, right after my injury, when I was just completely directionless, and I just… didn't want to be here anymore." His cheeks reddened, and he couldn't believe he'd suddenly blurted out his darkest secret without planning to do so. He was unsure if he'd shared too much, but Liana continued her sweet, soothing kisses down his jaw, and he felt like he wanted to reveal the deepest parts of himself to her.

"I once… almost tried to end things. I was convinced my parents would be happier without me, convinced I was worthless and bringing their life down. I planned everything out, how I would do it. I wrote a note to my parents. I was very much going to go through with it."

"Did you go through with it? Try to, I mean?" Liana asked. Her tone sounded curious, not judgmental.

"No. At the last second, I had this urge to try one final time to put a stop to what I was planning. I called Kelsey, who was away at college at the time. Just talking to someone on the phone was enough for me to break out of that headspace for a second. We talked about random things, and in just a couple of minutes, she had me chuckling at some hot take she had on something, I can't even remember what. Thankfully, that was the one tiny glimmer of hope that I needed. I got help after that."

He swallowed, scared of Liana's reaction but at the same time feeling a weight off his chest that he hadn't even known was pressing down. "You're the first person I've ever told, Liana. Literally no one knew, not even Kelsey. She knew I called her upset, but she didn't know the full extent of everything." He hesitantly looked at Liana, hoping he hadn't scared her away, but nothing but admiration shone in her eyes.

"I'm so proud of you," she said. "It's really hard to get help, especially when you're that deep in your head. To be able to accept help when you need it — you're so brave. So strong."

James felt a calm settle over him. Liana had heard him and accepted him. She accepted his darkness, had even called him brave.

"Thank you," said James. "That means a lot. And for what it's worth, I'm really happy I'm here now. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm still balancing on a ledge here. I'm in a good place now, and I was when I met you. I had put in a lot of work on myself, and when you stepped into my life, I felt like I was ready to open myself up, you know?"

"I'm so proud of you for putting in the work to get yourself into a better place."

"Really?" he asked sheepishly. "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted some space from me, some time to think about what I told you."

"Hmm," Liana pretended to think. "Okay. Done thinking. And do you know what I've decided? I would like the exact opposite of space from you." She wrapped her arms more tightly around him for emphasis so that not an inch separated them. He went instantly hard as she straddled him. God, why couldn't Kelsey get home already so he could see her and then have the rest of the night uninterrupted?

He felt the buzz of a text on his phone. The universe had finally decided he'd gone through enough tonight, because he had a text from Kelsey.

Kels : Great success. I snuck Harry into the law library. They gave him some kitty Pepto and he's stopped shitting. Will be here for the foreseeable future. You two crazy kids have fun. ;)

Kels: Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Oh wait… {melting face emoji}

James' heart hammered. "Kels isn't coming back for a while. We're alone."

And as if they shared one mind, their mouths instantly crashed into each other. "Finally," Liana groaned against his lips.