19.

Alex

I spill my coffee on myself as I'm scurrying into work, I forget about two important meetings that needed to be marked on Ryan's calendar, and Damien hasn't touched base since he left. I'm close to tears as I wish I had some sort of trainer who could lead me where I'm supposed to go. Isn't that what Damien is supposed to be doing? Training me? I wish he was. I wish.

Ryan is fantastic. He's a good, delightful-to-look-at boss. He just doesn't know everything that Damien seems to know. I guess that's one of the weirdest things about billionaires. They don't understand just how big their teams are or what they do to keep everything running smoothly.

Ryan calls me into his office at noon so we can eat together.

"What's for lunch today?" Ryan looks at me expectantly, excitedly. He loves lunch almost as much as I do. And we both really, really love spending this time together. There's a part of me that wants to say, "fuck it" and just tell him that I'm what's for lunch.

I'm way too scared.

"Burritos," I tell him. "Burritos, rice, and chips. Oh, I got salsa, too. Lots of salsa."

"Is that so?" Ryan asks.

"It's so."

"Anything else?"

Before I can get snarky or say anything else, the doors to the room burst open and Allison Green marches in. We've met three different times over the last few weeks, but every single time, she acts like she can't remember my name or who I am. I'm not sure if this is some kind of power trip or if she really is just that mean.

"Ryan, what the hell is this? An audit of my projects? I don't know –" Her words cut off as she realizes that Ryan isn't alone. I'm here, too. I probably look like I'm cozy since I'm leaning over his desk. It's definitely giving the wrong impression, like we're sleeping together. Then again, maybe it's giving exactly the right impression.

I want to be sleeping together.

I want so many things from Ryan: things I don't think I'm ever going to get.

"Oh," Allison says. "I'm interrupting."

"Yes," Ryan agrees. "You are."

The three of us just stare at each other for a long time.

"Ryan, could I have a word with you alone?" Allison looks at me like I'm kind of trash. It's the mean-girl look every woman knows. We learn this in elementary school when the cool kids take our Barbie dolls and cut off their hair. We're reminded of it in middle school when there are whispers of, "Did you hear who she kissed?" Then, in high school, it's solidified when the rumors get more cruel. "She's fat." "She's a slut." "She sucked off the teacher for an ‘A.'"

Allison is forgetting something, though. She doesn't realize that this isn't middle school, and I'm not a little girl who is just finding her place in the world. No, I'm not the most confident woman in the world, but I know enough about girls like her to know that this is a power play on her part. She wants to scare me, so I'll back down, but unfortunately for her, I'm not really interested in that.

"We're in the middle of lunch," I tell her. "You'll need to come back later."

Ryan's eyes widen ever-so-slightly. He didn't think I'd have the balls to stand up to Allison. He doesn't realize that the worse my days get, the better off my mouth is. I get stronger and sassier. I get a little meaner. It's on days like today when I am reminded of just how fucking strong I am.

I survived foster care. If that doesn't make me a superhero, I don't know what does.

"Excuse me?" Allison's voice wavers for just a second before she stands up straighter and seems to steel herself. I might be imagining things, but her perfectly straight blonde hair seems to get a little frizzy. Those are stress frizzes. Good. She's nervous. "I was talking to Ryan."

"It's Mr. Shadowvale," I correct her. "Again, we're having lunch. Please leave. You can call me or send me an email. I'd be happy to get a meeting with Mr. Shadowvale scheduled for you. I believe he has some time tomorrow afternoon."

Her jaw drops. Allison turns to Ryan, but he doesn't come to her rescue. Instead, he shrugs, as if to say that he can't do anything about this. I am his assistant, after all. I'm the person who manages his calendar and his projects. If she actually wants to talk to him, she truly will need to come through me.

This is kind of a total vibe.

It works, though. Allison mutters something I can't make out. She turns to leave. Her heels click loudly across the floor. As soon as she's out of the office, I march to the door and lock it.

"You're locking the door."

"You're observant."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are we being sassy today?" Ryan is on his feet in a minute and across the room. He invades my space, standing so close to me that I feel like I'm going to faint.

"We're sassy every day," I say.

"Not like this. Why are you jealous of Allison?"

"I'm not jealous of her," I correct. "I'm annoyed with her. She doesn't have the right to barge in here and interrupt."

"People interrupt my meetings thirty times a day, Allison," he says. "It's never bothered you before."

Because I've never been a horny slut like I am today. I need a dick in me. His dick. It's making me cranky. I've been masturbating so damn much, but it's never enough because I want the real thing.

"You're a tease," I blurt out. I don't mean to say this. He seems taken aback for just a moment, but then a smile spreads over his lips.

"A tease? Me?"

"Yes! You're a tease. We've made out, Ryan. We've kissed, but we've never slept together. You act like everything is normal between us, but it's not. None of this is normal."

He shakes his head.

"What?"

"Nothing," he says. "I was just thinking that it's funny I hired Damien because I didn't want to sleep with him. I always assumed this would become an issue at some point. You're fucking gorgeous, Alex. Of course, I want to sleep with you, too."

"Then why aren't we?" I'm embarrassed that my voice is coming out as a whine.

"My life is complicated."

"I'm not asking you to date me."

"It will change things between us."

"You're shortchanging us," I say. "Nothing will change between us."

He raises an eyebrow.

"Do you want something to change between us?"

"Maybe."

I'm such a little loser. I can't even ask for what I want even though it's something I'm craving so very desperately.

"Tell me."

"I want something between us," I whisper.

"Do you really want to play this game, Alex?" He scares me. I want him, but I don't know how to stop playing. I don't know how to stop any of this.

I need Ryan more than I've ever needed anyone.

Anything.

Ever.

"I don't know."

"You'd better decide," he says. "Fast."

"Why fast?"

"Because ever since you showed up, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you," he says. "And if you want me half as much as I want you, I'm not going to be able to let you go. Once we cross this line, there's no going back, Alex."

"We've already crossed so many lines, Ryan."

"Not like this," he says. His hand comes out, and for a second, I think he's going to grab me by the throat. Instead, he strokes my cheek. It's soft and intimate in a way that surprises me. I didn't think he was going to be able to do something like that. He's so rough and tumble, so hard. Ryan puts up so many walls around himself, but right now he's giving me the briefest glimpse into who he really is.

"You think you're going to get attached to me." I hadn't realized this before him.

"I'm already attached, Alex."

His eyes look at me like they're fighting a battle. He wants me deeply, I realize. He wants me with a fierce passion I can only imagine. If he's half as good in bed as he is at running a business, I know I'm going to be in for a wonderful time.

Or maybe it'll be terrible.

Maybe it'll be everything and so much more.

"I'm in, Ryan," I say. "I'm all in."

Right now, when I'm here in his office, it doesn't matter that I'm doing whatever it takes to find my brother. It doesn't matter that I'm lost without Ryan. It doesn't matter that this was just supposed to be a silly job where I made some money to pay for a private investigator. All of that fades from mind as his lips come crashing down on me.

And just like that, my world comes crashing down around me.

Ryan kisses like he was made for this. He kisses me like nothing else matters in the damn world. His hands are everywhere all at once: my face, my sides, my breasts. For the first time I can ever remember, I feel wholly comfortable with every single touch. Everything about this moment feels incredible.

"I need you, Alex." I don't know if Ryan means to say the words out loud, but he does. He doesn't try to pretend like he didn't, either. He presses his lips to my neck before nipping at my skin with his teeth.

"I need you, too," I say. I mean it. I've been with plenty of people before, but I've never needed anyone. Not like this. Not like I need Ryan in this moment. His hand wraps around my throat, and in that moment, I realize I'm his.

I'm all in.

There are very few moments in my life where I've felt like I truly, completely belong, but this is one of them. He tugs me closer, dominating me with just a touch, and I melt against him.

"Take off your clothes, Alex," he says.

"They're gone."

"You have to actually take them off." He laughs against my lips.

"I don't want to stop kissing you."

"Then don't. Consider it a problem-solving exercise."

I start with my skirt. My hands find their way under my waistband and I push, shoving it down. I step out of my black pencil-skirt, kicking it to the side. Ryan doesn't stop kissing me. Yeah, he's as crazy about me as I am right now. He loves this moment just as much as I do. His lips never stop moving. One hand is still gripping my throat and the other one is everywhere. He's not helping me take off my clothes, though. He's making me do this myself. I love him for it.

Next my hands find their way to my blouse. Button-by-button, I manage to get the stupid piece of fabric off. It joins my skirt on the floor. Then I'm standing there in my bra, panties, and little black boots. A girl like me crumbles in heels.

"You're not done," he says.

"I think you should take something off, too. Even the score."

"That's not how this works, darling."

Because he's in charge here.

He's in charge, everywhere.

"Tell me what you want." My words come out a whisper. He's still kissing me.

"You. Naked. Bent over my desk."

An image flashes in my head of me flat against his desk, legs spread. Relief that I've recently shaved my entire body floods me to my core. I'm going to look good for him. Really good.

Almost instantly, I unhook my bra and drop it off. My panties follow. Getting them off without breaking our kiss feels hard, but apparently, it's not impossible. Soon I'm being kissed by Ryan Shadowvale wearing only my boots. Somehow, I know those are going to stay on.

"Good girl," he murmurs.

And just like that, I realize I'm gone.