Chapter 22 - Nile

The only way I could seem to manage my fears lately was by throwing myself into my work, which was exactly what I was trying to do today. I had left for work before the sun came up and had been assessing our backstock and future orders for the past eight hours.

There wasn't much left for me to do, but the thought of going home and trying to suppress my worries about Violet's pregnancy didn't seem very appealing to me. I was painfully aware of how much I had been getting on her nerves lately, and while I didn't want to annoy her, I also hadn't been able to find a way to stop.

Instead, I would stay at work and find something monotonous to do. When I first came to Pinedale and met Jana's father, he had given me a job cleaning and facing shelves. It was probably the most mind-numbing activity I could do. I headed for the back corner, deciding to begin there and make my way from back to front, one side to the other.

It was a slow day, and there were few customers in the store. I managed to finish one full row when Violet surprised me.

"Hey there, handsome," she said. "Don't you have some teenagers somewhere around here who can do work like that for you?"

"Vi, I've never seen you in here before. I didn't even think you knew where my store was," I teased, putting the cleaning supplies down.

"Aren't you funny. Seriously, though, why are you cleaning?"

I shrugged, not sure how to explain why she had found me in this position.

"Well, do you think you could be done cleaning for the day?" she asked.

"Depends," I answered. "What did you have in mind?"

"You don't want me to ruin the surprise, do you?"

Violet was being playful, but there was an undertone to what she was saying. I couldn't quite place it, but the closest I could get was that she sounded nervous.

Why would she be nervous? Wick asked.

I don't think we're going to find out unless we go with her, I pointed out.

"No, you don't need to tell me. I'd follow you anywhere, Vi," I told her.

She smiled at my nickname for her, and I realized that I had been calling her that a lot lately. And she hadn't even yelled at me for it since the first time I saw her, the day of our mating ceremony.

"Let's go then, slowpoke," she said, grabbing my hand.

Violet had parked her car outside, so I opened the driver's side door for her before getting into the passenger seat. She didn't give me any clues about where we were going to go, and I wondered if she wanted to go for another run in the forest or if she had another location in mind.

Instead, she pulled out of Pinedale and headed toward a place I hadn't been for years. The cemetery. Of all the places she could have gone, this was what I'd least expected.

"Kind of a depressing place for a date, don't you think, Violet? What are we doing here?" I asked as she parked the car.

"Just get out and follow me," she replied mysteriously.

I sighed but did as she'd asked.

Violet walked a familiar path and ended at my late wife's grave. She knelt next to the headstone and patted the grass next to her, indicating that I should sit with her.

"This isn't a date. It's an intervention," I surmised, remaining on my feet.

"It's not an intervention, it's a conversation," Violet argued. "One that I think we need to have. Will you please sit down?"

I sighed and sat down beside her, crossing my legs and leaning against my knees.

"We've already talked about Jana," I reminded her. "I don't have anything more to say."

"We both know that isn't true. Ever since we found out that I'm carrying your child, you have been on edge, worried about every little thing I do and whether I'm going to get hurt. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why you feel that way. I'd like it if we could talk about it."

I took a steadying breath, knowing that this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with her—or anyone, for that matter. Losing Jana had been traumatic. Though she wasn't my soul mate, she'd still been my wife. We had a family and a life together, and her death had changed everything for me. Instead of raising my daughter with a partner to share the good and bad times with, I had been forced to handle it alone.

And that was just the logistical side of my loss. Watching the woman I had shared my life and future with succumb to a violent death had been almost more than I could bear. And it certainly wasn't something I ever wanted to relive.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin," I admitted, giving Violet a half-truth about my reluctance.

"You can start wherever you want," Violet said, taking my hand. "I'm here for you, and I want to know how to help you move forward."

"I can't," I said apologetically.

"You can't move forward, or you can't talk about it?"

I shrugged, feeling at a loss. Having this conversation was important to her, and I knew why. My hovering had been increasing the farther along in the pregnancy she got, but I was at a loss for how to address it.

"Maybe I should go for a walk," Violet said. She got to her feet and brushed the grass and dirt from her pants. "You can stay here and process what you're feeling. If you have something you can share with me when I come back, I think it will help us. But if you don't, then that's okay, too."

She had begun to walk away when I got to my feet quickly.

"Violet, wait," I said, catching her hand. "Don't go."

I turned to face Jana's headstone, pulling Violet to stand next to me. For a long moment, we stood in silence, reading the words that I had carved in Jana's memory.

Jana Pinedale

Loving mother, daughter, and wife

May the moon always shine on those who remember her

"I can't do this if I look at you," I began. "But you're right. This is something we're going to need to talk about. Because the truth is, I'm terrified."

Violet squeezed my hand, encouraging me to continue without interrupting my train of thought.

"The day that Jana died was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. In one way, at least, it was. Penny has been my joy from the first moment I held her in my arms. But it was also one of the worst days I've ever lived through."

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to go back in time to how I felt watching Jana give birth. There had been no indication that anything was wrong until everything went downhill. I felt tears well in my eyes as I remembered the panic on Jana's face, which had quickly turned into acceptance.

"Everything with Jana's pregnancy had gone as planned, but while she was giving birth, the doctor said there was a rupture," I explained. "There was… so much blood."

I took a shuddering breath as I remembered thinking how it didn't seem possible for such a small person to lose the amount of blood that my wife had.

"She knew she was dying, but she held on just long enough for our daughter to be born and to give her a name. I thought holding Penny would give her the strength to fight, to live, but we lost her, anyway. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for allowing her to die," I admitted.

"It wasn't your fault," Violet said quietly.

I shook my head, unwilling to accept that.

"If I had been better prepared and more informed, I would have known that a complication like that was possible. I was a fool—a proud, stubborn fool—and I believed that modern science had progressed enough that childbirth was safe," I said. "I wasn't prepared, and because of that, Jana died."

"Nile, look at me," Violet said, turning me toward her. "Even if you had known about the risks, it wouldn't have changed what happened. The doctors who were there knew that childbirth had risks. They were even prepared for them. But there's only so much they could do. You did everything you could. It wasn't your fault."

With each word she spoke, I felt as if a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. Tears flowed freely down my face, and my shoulders hunched over. Violet reached out, pulling my head down onto her shoulder and holding it tightly as I cried.

It didn't even matter if what she'd said was true or not, in my mind. Violet believed it wasn't my fault, and somehow that gave me hope that Jana didn't blame me, either. I would never have the chance to gain forgiveness from my first mate. This was as close as I could get. It felt like it was enough.

When I had cried myself dry, I felt ready to explain the rest of my fears to her. I looked into her eyes this time, pleading with her to understand how impossible it felt to ignore my impulse to protect her.

"Losing Jana almost destroyed me," I said. "But if something were to happen to you—Violet, I wouldn't survive it. And then where would that leave Penny and our child? Alone in this world, with no parents to care for them. It's my greatest fear, losing you three."

"We can't know what's going to happen," she said. "All we can do is our best."

"My best has never been good enough to protect you in the past," I pointed out. "I've let you down time and time again."

"We've let each other down, but we don't do that anymore," Violet said. "This time around, we are in it together, protecting each other. If we keep doing that, I know that things will work out just fine."

She's right, Wick said.

I hadn't realized he'd been paying attention. But of course, with my heightened emotions, he would have sensed something was wrong and wanted to check on me.

Our mate is stronger than you've realized, he added.

Wick was right. I cupped Violet's cheek in my hand, realizing that whether things would be okay or not wasn't up to either of us. All we could do was take care of each other as well as we could and hope for the best.

***

After dropping Violet off at home, I headed for Alpha Jasper's house on the hill. Of all the people who had been supportive of our marriage, his help and approval had been the most vital so far. But I was going to need just a little more help if I was going to show Violet just how important she was to me.

"Alpha Nile," Jasper greeted me at the door. "This is a change from our usual. It's usually me showing up unannounced at your house."

I chuckled, remembering all the times he and Luna April had come to me for assistance and advice.

"I find myself in need of an accomplice that can keep a secret, and I thought of you," I explained. "Can you help me with a romantic gesture?"

"Happy to be of service. Come on in, and we'll sort out the details," he said, showing me into the living room.

"Violet took me to visit my late wife's grave today," I began.

"That doesn't seem very romantic," Jasper remarked, raising an eyebrow.

"No. You'd think it would have been pretty macabre," I agreed. "But somehow, her willingness to talk about my old life made me fall even more in love with her. She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."

Jasper smiled, and I could tell he was pleased that he had set up the match between us. "You tell me your plan, and I'll help make it happen," he said.