Chapter 1

One

MOUSE

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on my pain

The only thing that's real

Hurt - Trent Reznor

Nine years later

" M ouse!"

I sighed, smiling at the bathroom mirror as Alice's voice carried up the hallway.

"In the bathroom, Squirt." I carefully flicked my eyeliner up, creating the soft winged look I was aiming for. In the piss-poor light these power saving bulbs gave, I wasn't sure if I was achieving a sexy Amy Winehouse look or a Rocket Raccoon look. I'd been grousing at Callum for weeks that we needed better lighting in here. It wasn't like I was going to pick up some hot dick—well, at least not at Rhys and Simon's engagement party—but I'd made plans for later tonight, plans that involved a Dom, a whip, and hopefully, me blissed out on happy hormones for a few hours. Well, that was the plan, if I could sneak out of the party early.

"Oh, you look awesome, Mouse!" Alice poked her head around the door, grinning. She looked like a small, neon green and pink taffeta cloud in the party dress she wore.

"That the dress you and your gran were working on?" I stopped doing my makeup long enough for Alice to give me a twirl.

"Do you like it?"

"Love it, Squirt. What shoes are you going to wear?" Alice was a child of whimsy, and I had to admit, I delighted in watching clothing choices she made. Callum had long ago given up trying to dictate his precocious nine-year-old's fashion choices.

"Bumblebee leggings and my yellow, sparkly sneakers," she announced, coming into the bathroom further. "Could you help with my hair? Dad tried, but…" She gave a dramatic sigh.

I laughed, lifting Alice up and setting her on the bathroom counter. She held out her glittery tiara and scrunchie for me.

"I think your dad's choice in haircuts says all you need to know about his skills at doing hair. Now, let's see what we can do. You want it in a princess up-do?" I scooped up her curly hair so it sat on the top of her head, spilling down in ringlets.

"That would be the best. Dad was just going to braid it again." Alice rolled her eyes theatrically .

I fiddled with bobby pins and hair spray until Alice was nodding happily. Her tiara sat slightly askew, but that added to the Princess of Chaos image she was going for. I loved this kid. She was everything good in this world. If I could bottle her and Rhys, I could make a fortune selling the endorphins those two oozed.

"What's all this, then?" Callum poked his head into the small bathroom, giving Alice and I an appraising look.

"Mouse made my hair perfect." Alice twisted around to look in the mirror, poking her tongue out at me as she did. I couldn't let a challenge like that go, and returned the gesture.

"Remind me again which one of you is nine and which one is twenty-eight?"

Callum was wearing a simple white dress shirt, the top few buttons undone to show off the ink on his chest, and a black waistcoat thrown on top. His jeans looked like they were painted on, and I tried unsuccessfully not to ogle. It was getting harder to ignore the return of my youthful crush on the man, especially since I now lived in his house.

I saw my appraisal of Callum had not gone unnoticed by the smirk he shot me in the mirror.

Oops. Busted.

Callum tilted his head, and I swore he was checking my arse out. I mean, we'd flirted and mucked about, but never seriously. It was a game and harmless fun. But I still felt a slight thrill when I caught him checking me out.

"Dad, doesn't Mouse's make-up look good?" Alice grabbed my face in her small hands, forcing me to turn my head towards Cal.

Callum pushed off from the doorframe and moved into my personal space. I wasn't expecting his hand to come up, or for his thumb to brush against my cheek.

"There was a bit of a smudge. Sorry, yeah. He looks fab, just like you, my darling." Callum stepped back, picking Alice up in his arms.

"We'd better get a move on, the party starts soon," Alice leaned forwards in Callum's arms and grabbed a gentle handful of my beard, before smooching a kiss against my cheek. "You're the best."

I shrugged, not really knowing what to say. Even after living here for the last six months, it was still odd to me how open Alice was with her affections. It had been eye-opening, living with the two of them. We felt like some strange little family, but I wasn't stupid enough to think this was anything more than Cal helping me out. Once I had enough money saved and my head on straight, I'd find a place in town and get out of Callum's hair. I couldn't help but feel like I'd put a crimp in the man's dating life. He barely went out, apart from work and the occasional trip to Leeds.

"Oi, quit your wool-gathering. You look gorgeous. If we're any later, your brother is going to have a conniption. I swear, that man is more highly strung about this damn party than Rhys is," Callum muttered as he headed back downstairs.

I grinned, stuck on the fact Callum said I looked gorgeous. "You said I looked gorgeous. I'm not forgetting that!" I yelled down the hall after him. I could hear him cursing softly.

C allum pulled his Land Rover into one of the parking spaces at the back of the hall. I could see Simon's old Defender parked near the back doors of the hall and Dad's Volvo was parked alongside. The car was the same model as my mum's old one. It still made my heart lurch every time I saw it. Sy had offered to sell it and find something new, but I knew he loved the old thing, and I wasn't going to make him give up something just because I was still having trouble getting over what happened nine years ago.

I'd wrecked the car and killed our mum. She was dead and I walked away with a fuckload of scars, and I'd be lying if I said there was a day that went past that I didn't wish our places had been swapped. Living with Cal and Alice had helped to quiet down some of the mess in my head, but I knew that the scars—the emotional ones—wouldn't go away. Not unless I was willing to talk to someone about it. And that, my dear friends, was not going to happen. I didn't have anything against therapy. It was doing fucking wonders for Rhys. But what he'd been put through was different to what I'd done. Rhys deserved a chance at a good life with my brother, and tonight we were going to celebrate that fact.

Hopefully they would all focus on Sy and Rhys tonight and not start asking me if I was dating or some shit. The thump of the car door pulled me out of my head. Alice dashed past in an explosion of neon taffeta.

"You okay?" Callum's voice made me jump. I thought he'd gotten out of the car.

"Jesus! Scare the life out of a guy." I flapped my hand making a shooing motion, but Cal just arched a silver brow, turning in his seat to face me .

"You must have been pretty deep in that head of yours not to notice I was still here."

I unbuckled my seat belt, hoping I could make a quick exit, but Cal stopped my hand as I went to move. Being stuck in the close confines of Callum's car with the man himself was not where I wanted to be. He was too shrewd and saw through my bullshit too easily. I took a deep breath and the woodsy scent of his cologne tickled my nose. The smell of it was throughout the house and on his clothes. I don't know when it had started to signify home and safety to me, but it had, and that worried the hell out of me. I had shoved my feelings and childish desires so far back into my psyche that you'd need a map, compass, and Sir Edmund Hillary to find them, and I wasn't going to let the handsome fucker ruin my hard work.

"Just thinking we'll have a wedding soon. Alice is going to have a blast now that Rhys has told her she's the flower girl." I fussed with the cuff of my shirt, refusing to meet Cal's gaze.

"True enough, but that's not what this is. I saw you look at that rust bucket of Simon's. You know he'd get rid of it, right? You know we're here for you." Callum's voice normally had the ability to calm me when I was at my most chaotic, but right now, I wanted to scream in his face. I wanted to curse him for seeing through my bluff, for noticing I wasn't doing okay.

"Could we not? My brother and his soon-to-be husband are waiting for us inside. Tonight is about them, not my fucked-up head." I slipped my arm from his hold and moved to open the door, but Callum had to have the last word .

"You need to start letting us in. You've done a good job faking it in front of your dad and Simon, but I don't buy it. You're not alone in this."

"I'm not your problem, Cal, or some project you can fix." I pasted on a smile, trying to curb my instinctive irritation. "Come on. I promised Alice I'd dance with her, and you promised Rhys you'd sing tonight."

Callum frowned for a moment, looking confused. "When did I promise a foolish thing like that?"

I slumped back in the seat. "New Year's, after you and Dad and Joe polished off that scrumpy Joe brought up from his place."

Callum let out a deep groan—and fuck, didn't that sound do things to me I'd rather ignore. "I didn't. Did I?"

Reaching over, I slapped his shoulder and grinned. "You sure as fuck did." I didn't hide my amusement. Cal's singing was a thing of local legend. Not that I'd ever heard it, unless the bawdy ballads and off-key eighties tunes he sang in the shower counted. Who knew the man was a closet Duran Duran fan? Besides, his discomfort got him off my case. Mildly underhanded? Yes, it was. I never claimed to be a good man.

"You can't back out. Rhys is super excited and think about the sad face he'll pull if you let him down. Kicked puppies have nothing on Rhys." Yeah, was I overselling this, you bet. But I wanted to hear the man sing too, and this was a little bit of payback for being a nosey sod and trying to get me to open up.

It would be all too easy to let myself be bare and open with Callum Harris, but down that path lay heartbreak. I didn't think I could bear to see the look on his face when he discovered the ugliness that lived inside of me. It was better to play the brat, to tease with no substance. To enjoy this quasi-domestic family thing but not trick myself into believing it was for keeps. I was good at this shit. I'd been doing it for years.

"I'll even cheer when you start singing. Could even be convinced to throw my panties on stage if that would help." I winked saucily and made my move to get out of the car while Callum stared, dumbfounded.

"There will be no knicker throwing," Callum called after me.

I lifted my shirt and pulled my jeans down just enough to give Callum a peek at the emerald green lacy number I had on underneath. "What, not even these?"

"Mitchell Johannsen! What the hell are you doing?" My dad's voice echoed across the car park, followed by Rhys's unmistakable giggle.

"I think he's giving Cal an eyeful, Pop." Rhys squealed, running forwards to hug me. "What took you guys so long?" Rhys's cheeks were flushed red, and his eyes were dancing. If I didn't know him better, I'd say he'd gotten into the bubbly already.

"You don't get to look this fab without taking some time." I flicked my hair over my shoulder.

"Uh-huh, sure. Not like you were waiting for the Thunderbirds episode to finish or anything." Rhys pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh.

"Okay sure, I might have had to make sure I watched the episode before I had my shower but that is beside the point. I look fab, and we are here on time."

Rhys rolled his eyes and groaned before slinging an arm over my shoulder. "You do look amazing, but it doesn't take away from the fact I was right and you had to watch Thunderbirds first."

Declan and Peregrin walked past, shooting Rhys and I an amused look. Both guys were hotter than sin. Dec was the new therapist who'd set up his offices in Doc's spare consulting rooms. Rhys had been seeing him professionally to help him deal with the shit his dad had done. He seemed like a good bloke, but I tended to keep my distance. I swore therapists and the like could smell unhealthy coping mechanisms a mile away, and I didn't need him digging into mine. Peregrin was the new hairdresser whose salon sat alongside Doc's practice. The man was strikingly beautiful, with ink that even had Cal drooling. He and Rhys had become fast friends, and for whatever reason he was Doc's worst nightmare. It was hilarious to watch our grumpy Doc become flustered and annoyed in the same breath when talking to Perry.

"Itquay onyay ethay underbirdsthay!" I hissed at Rhys, flashing a smile at Dec and Perry.

"Pig Latin, dude? Really? Are we in high school?" Rhys huffed, amused, lowering his voice as the two men walked past. "Aren't they a little young for your tastes?"

"A man should have a little variety in his diet, short stuff." I threw in my usual dig at my height advantage. It might not have been much, but I owned that fucker.

Rhys gasped in outrage, standing up straighter and still being shorter than me. "Half an inch! That's all you have on me. Besides, fun things come in small packages."

I tilted my head and arched a brow. "I wouldn't know about your package, but the way big brother was screaming your name at Christmas, I wouldn't be too ashamed of it."

"You're terrible. But yeah, I made Daddy yell," Rhys said with a proud smirk. Fuck, I loved this guy. He and my brother were a match made in fucking heaven, if you believed in that sort of thing.

Rhys and I headed into the hall that was full already. Half the town had come out to celebrate Simon and Rhys's engagement.

Rhys looked over to where Dec and Perry were chatting with Doc Cullen and Simon, a small frown on his face. "Would you really want to, you know… with one of them?" Rhys asked.

"Dec and Perry? A guy would have to be blind and celibate not to get half a chub looking at them. But nah, I don't see either of them being a fling type of guy." I looked around and lowered my voice. "Besides, I've got a date later tonight."

Rhys grabbed a glass of fruit punch off the table. "With who?"

"Ziggy," I answered, waiting for Rhys's reaction.

"What the fuck! I thought you were done with his skanky arse?" Rhys took a long drink of his punch while glaring at me.

"It's not like that. He's hanging out at The Pit and saw me there. He wants to play."

"Mouse, what the fuck? No! I can't believe you're even considering it, or going back to that fucking place." Rhys's voice rose enough that Simon looked over and frowned.

"Keep it down. The last thing I need is for Simon or Cal to hear. "

"I can't believe you're going to do this. Why? I saw what they did to you last time, remember. And now you're saying you're going to trust Ziggy to do those things? Dude, what the fuck?"

I grabbed Rhys's arm and led him over to a couple of seats. I snagged a glass of punch on my way, gulping down the sickly sweet mix. "I'm fucking lonely, Rhys. Before you say it, yeah, I know I've got you, but this is different. I need my trips to The Pit. The scenes help, and I know how much you hated me going there alone before, but with Ziggy at least it's someone who knows me, right? He says he's changed, and he seems to be trying."

I'd been shocked to see Ziggy at The Pit. Honestly, I'd been ready to stop visiting the club after seeing that the place was more dangerous than I'd let myself believe. I'd started going as a way of scratching an itch. I'd always been on the extreme side of masochism, enjoying it when a Dom let loose both physically and mentally. I didn't need a therapist to tell me I was using it as some form of penance, but then, I'd always been a pain slut. I enjoyed pain and domination, but the Doms at Club Crimson had started to treat me with kid gloves. I didn't know if it was because I was Simon's brother or if they felt sorry for what I'd gone through—they all knew, even all these years later. All I knew was it pissed me off.

At The Pit, I didn't have to be a meek little sub wanting his Dom's approval. They had to deal with me, prickles and all—and if they couldn't, then they weren't worth my time. If I rolled my shoulders, I could still feel the echoes of the last beating I got. It had been weeks since I'd last visited the club, and the scene had been intense and painful and left me with enough bruises that I'd felt them for days. It had helped quiet the darker voices in my head.

Rhys narrowed his eyes, taking a sip of his own drink. Too many people underestimated him. They saw a sweet-natured guy, and didn't see the smart, hard-nosed man underneath. I'd watched him go toe-to-toe with my brother when they didn't agree on something, and Rhys was no pushover. He'd been almost feral when he'd caught sight of the bruising on my back when we were getting changed at swim school. It had taken me twenty minutes and a lot of promises to get him not to run and tell Simon.

"Okay, I get that you're lonely. But it doesn't mean I approve or get why you're doing this. I'll keep my gob shut and not blab to Sy or Cal, but you're going to have to do something for me."

I let out a relieved breath. I was sure Rhys wouldn't ask anything outlandish of me, so I readily agreed. "You have a deal."

Rhys smiled slyly, his blue eyes glinting with mischief. "Don't you want to know what I want first?"

"Well, if it involves me doing a naked streak down the main street, you know I'm up for a little public exhibitionism. It's good for the soul. But if it's cleaning out the manky cellar at Tulip Cottage, count me out. There are spiders in there bigger than Simon's head." I shuddered, and Rhys did the same.

"Nope, not that. It's something I've been thinking about since Christmas."

"You want to get munted on gl?gg again and search for trolls?"

Rhys threw his head back and howled with laughter. " Oh gods no, I don't think I've recovered from the last time. No. This will be fun. I want another play date, like we had at Christmas."

I looked down at my hands and tried to think of a reason to say no. That morning, I'd played with Rhys while he'd been in his Little space, and it had been amazing… and confusing. I'd felt something different to anything I'd experienced before. And I wasn't sure whether I was ready to face that about myself. It was something so fragile and innocent. I saw the joy Little space brought Rhys, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to acknowledge that part of myself.

"Um, I don't know." I could see the disappointment in Rhys's eyes as soon as I started to answer, and it made me reconsider. What would it hurt to spend the afternoon having a play date with Rhys? That's what friends did.

"It's okay, I understand. Look, I promise I won't say anything to Simon or Cal. Just be careful, yeah? Come up to the cottage for lunch tomorrow."

I moved forwards in my chair, close enough that my knees knocked against Rhys's. "Make sure you have the Lego blocks out, and the colouring books."

Rhys's face lit up as he registered what I'd said. "I'll even get Daddy to go out for the afternoon so it's just us. I don't want it to feel weird for you, but you really seemed to enjoy playing at Christmas," he whispered. The smile on his face made it worth it.

"I don't mind if Sy's there. It's his house too. As long as he doesn't try to Daddy me, it should be cool," I answered. I didn't really mind Simon being there. He'd seen me playing with Rhys at Christmas and hadn't made a fuss or tried bringing it up with me since.

"Did you want to watch the first Hobbit film too?" Rhys seemed to be getting swept up in making plans and I had to admit, now the idea had taken root it seemed like the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon. "Callum and Alice could come up later and we could have a family dinner."

I nodded before I took another sip of the sticky drink. Whoever had made the punch hadn't been stingy with the rum. I'd have to stick to soft drinks after this. I may have liked pushing the limits with my kink, but scening drunk was an idiot move.

I looked over at where Cal was talking to Simon. "So, I reminded Cal that he promised to sing for you tonight."

Rhys snorted a laugh, glancing over at Cal. "I can't believe he agreed to do it."

"I just reminded him that he'd disappoint you if he didn't."

Rhys shook his head, grinning. "That's evil, but also, he did promise me—even if it was under the effects of Grandad's scrumpy. Jesus, that stuff should be illegal."

"It should be. But at least now I get to hear Cal sing."

"Yeah, alright, so I promise I'll keep quiet about your thing tonight, but I want full details tomorrow and promise me you'll be careful."

There was careful and careful, and what I wanted to happen tonight would fall in that shady grey area Rhys didn't need to know about. "I promise. Now go give your Daddy a hug. He looks like he's about ready to throttle Mrs M. "

Rhys looked over and sighed. "We've been having discussions with her over the boundary fence at Tulip and talks of rosebush murder have come up. I'd better step in. I'm pretty sure Mrs M could take Simon out with a wooden spoon and a cold smile." He shivered, looking over at the small, elderly lady who was busy wagging a finger at Simon.

"Go rescue him and save a dance for me later."

Rhys hopped up out of his seat and kissed the top of my head as he passed. "I'll put you on my dance card." And with that he was off, bouncing towards Simon and the scary Mrs. M. Leaning back, I looked over at Cal. He looked like fucking walking sex tonight, and I could see more than a few pairs of eyes taking in the sight. The worst culprit was Lindon Townsend, the cute-as-a-button primary school teacher who taught the year ahead of Alice.

I knew this because he'd given me the third degree when I'd picked Alice up after school on a couple of occasions when Cal's mum couldn't do it. On the first occasion, he'd refused to let Alice come with me until they had spoken to Cal.

Look, I got it, and I was glad the school took security seriously, but Cal had phoned ahead of time and cleared it with Alice's teacher and the school head. But Mr Poppy Long Stockings with his perfect hair and teeth hadn't been satisfied. He'd acted like I was some lunatic, come to steal the children away. And now he was here, making a beeline straight for Callum.

No matter how I felt about Cal, me acting like a jealous twat was not going to earn me Brownie points. But the predatory gleam in Lindon's eye pissed me off. I'd seen plenty of men and women fall a little bit in love with Cal at the studio. He was always professional. It was his calm and kind manner while tattooing and piercing people that seemed to give them heart eyes. Simon and I found it hilarious. We'd both had our fair share of clients offer to have ‘coffee' with us when we'd finished up, but Cal seemed to be a magnet for them, especially once they heard he was a single working dad.

I'd made a promise to myself that I'd never get in the way of Callum finding happiness, no matter how much the thought hurt. But this guy wasn't looking for a relationship. He was looking for another notch on his headboard, and I would be damned if I was going to let that happen.

"Mitchell."

Gods damn it! I turned around and Dad was standing there grinning with Joe. The two of them looked like the town and country version of Absolutely Fabulous .

"Hey." I sighed and faced the immovable force of my father and his best mate, hetero life buddy, or whatever they were. I tried to keep an eye on Lindon as he stalked across the room. "You both look very dashing tonight."

"Well, you can thank Joe for that. He said I couldn't come out looking like I'd just mucked the barn, which was a bit harsh. I had clean clothes on."

Joe snorted rudely, shaking his head. "Those trousers had more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese, and I swear there was a mustard stain on the shirt you were trying to wear."

Dad gave an exaggerated eye-roll and looked to me to help defend him. I sighed. I wasn't going to be let go any time soon .

"I looked perfectly presentable," Dad argued with little heat. I was pretty sure they'd had this argument already today.

"I see he made you finally get your hair trimmed up." Dad's shock of silver-white hair was trimmed and tidied. He no longer looked like he'd gone head-to-head with a tornado. "How'd you do it?" I asked Joe.

Rhys's grandad Joe had been living full time at the farm with Dad going on a month now. It had taken some of the pressure off Simon and I, knowing Dad had someone up there with him. At sixty-nine, Joe was a year older than Dad. With his striking full head of silver hair and the same mischievous blue eyes as Rhys, he was a breath of fresh air that the farm—and Dad—needed. And for an old fella he was easy on the eye, and sort of reminded me of Sir Barristan Selmy from Game of Thrones. I'd made the mistake of mentioning that to Rhys, who'd lost his shit laughing and told me I was not to make heart eyes at his grandad. As if I would. But the man was a true silver fox. Hell, I'd even caught Doc eyeing Dad and Joe up—not that I wanted to dwell on that thought too long.

"So, did you bring a date with you tonight?" Dad asked, blunt as ever.

I shook my head glancing back over to where Callum and Lindon were now talking. "No, you both saw I just came with Cal and Alice. I have to head out later tonight to another party."

"Oh, meeting someone?" Dad gave me a hopeful smile. I couldn't be annoyed with him—he only wanted to see me happy—but I couldn't explain to him that wasn't on the cards .

"Nah, free and easy, that's my motto. Don't worry about me. I reckon Simon and Rhys are going to keep everyone fed on all their loved-up happy feelings for a while." I glanced over to where my brother stood, hugging Rhys to his side.

"Do you know if they've set a date yet?" Joe asked, rescuing me from Dad's questioning.

"I think Rhys wants a spring wedding, and there has been talk about having it at the old manor house just outside of town. They do weddings and big, fancy parties," I answered absently, watching Lindon flirt with Callum. Gods, could the dude be more obvious?

"They could have it at the farm. I've already told them that. Your brother is just being stubborn. It would be cheaper, and they could save that money and spend it on the honeymoon." Dad tapped me on the shoulder. "Don't you think that would be a better idea?"

"Mags, leave the boy be, can't you see he has his mind on other things? Now come on, they're serving up the food and I'm famished."

I gave Joe a thankful smile and had to laugh as he led my dad off by the arm towards the tables laden with food.

I couldn't see Callum anymore, but I saw Lindon off flirting with Perry. I didn't let out a relieved sigh. Nope. Not at all. As I moved towards the tables covered in food, I was attacked by a taffeta-wearing tornado. Alice already had cake crumbs and tomato sauce down her dress and on her cheeks. Shaking my head, I scooped her up for a hug.

"Are you having fun?"

"The best time." She swayed in my arms, giggling .

"Looks like you already found the cake and something with sauce on it." I pointed to the red stain on her dress.

"Oops. There are corn dogs. All the food is like you'd have at the sideshows at the beach. There are even hot doughnuts," Alice said excitedly.

"Of course there are. Did you think Rhys would have a party without proper party food?"

"Well, I thought it was going to be boring grown-up stuff, but it's not." Alice wiggled until I set her down again. She reached out and grabbed my hand. "You got to try the little eggy pies," Alice rambled, leading me to a plate filled with tiny quiches and dainty pies. I let out a chuckle watching her shovel more pies and other party food onto a plate. Where the hell she put it all was a mystery for the ages, but with the amount of energy she had on any given day, the more food the better for the little tornado.

"Hope you're going to leave some for me, petal." Callum's deep voice came from behind my shoulder. I looked back to see him smiling and tried to ignore the frisson of heat his gravelly voice always stirred in me.

"Only a few more. Benji brought his colouring books and comics so we're going to draw."

"Who's Benji?" I asked, looking over the mountains of food that filled the table.

"Doctor Cullen is his uncle or something. He's staying with him while his mum finds a new place to live. He's over there." Alice pointed to a young boy close to her age. By his looks, with a mess of blond hair and an impish smile, he did resemble Doc. He wore a bright green tulle skirt similar to Alice's and he had on a bright pink pair of Converse .

I shared a look with Callum, neither of us aware that Doc had a sister, or one that had kids.

"His grandparents were mean, so his mum said they were going to find somewhere nicer to live."

"Well, I'm sure Doc is going to make sure nobody is mean to him here, and you'll look out for him, right?" Callum asked, kneeling down to tie Alice's laces.

"Can I go play now?" Alice asked, wiggling impatiently and causing the plate to seesaw enough that I was worried Cal was going to wear a head full of party pies.

"You certainly can, my love. Don't forget your gran will be taking you back to hers tonight for the weekend."

Alice nodded, then grinned down at her dad. "You should do Mouse's laces too. They're undone," she announced, before dashing off to join Benji at one of the tables.

Callum smirked up at me as I looked down at my sneakers. Okay, so yeah, my laces did have a habit of coming undone. I had other stuff to focus on.

"Your laces are always undone. How you've not tripped over them and broken your neck, I'll never know."

I stood still as Callum lifted my foot onto his bent knee and started to tie my laces. When he was done, he patted my calf and gave me what I could only describe as a fondly exasperated look.

I wiggled my foot and grinned. "Thank you, Daddy Cal."

Oh my god.

Why did I say that? I was blaming the punch or hanging out with Rhys. It was the only reason I said that. Fuck, now Cal was looking at me like I was a complete weirdo.

Cal's hand tightened on my ankle for a moment before he smirked up at me. "Be thankful you're not my boy. Your bum would be red twenty-four hours a day with the number of spankings you'd earn."

I waggled my brows suggestively and pouted for good measure. "Any Daddy worth his paddle would know a guy like me isn't afraid of a spanking. That would just be stoking a fire they couldn't put out. You don't know me as well as you think, Callum Harris."

Oh fuck. Why couldn't I just shut up?

It was as if my mouth and brain had just had a disagreement, and I was left dealing with the fallout. Callum, for his part, smirked and something flashed in his steel grey eyes. Dear god, now I was falling back on corny romance lines in my head.

"I think I know you well enough, and I think you might have it the wrong way round. I'm probably the one person here who knows you even better than you know yourself."

I gaped, not sure how to answer that. What the fuck did he mean by that?

Holy shit.

I was certain Cal was just giving me shit in return for my comment, but my stupid dick didn't know that. I looked around quickly to see if anyone had noticed, but everyone was happily partying and eating.

"I-uh, need another drink." With that flimsy excuse I bolted for the punch bowl, leaving Cal still on his knees in the middle of the room. What the fuck had just happened? Jesus Christ, way to go, dickhead.

I grabbed the ladle from the punch bowl and poured a hefty slug of the sickly-sweet rum drink. I'd barely finished swallowing before I reached for the ladle again, my earlier idea of heading to The Pit sober flying out the window.

Why the fuck had I said that? And then Callum had to go and say what he did. I didn't need to be thinking of him spanking the sass out of me. Jesus fuck, I was going to need to get laid fast, before I did something stupid like drop to my knees and beg Callum to be my Daddy.

I shook my head. The idea was preposterous. I wasn't—I didn't need a Daddy. I needed a Dom—just not one who was looking for something long term. I just needed someone to hurt me and make the noise in my head stop. To punish me for the shit I'd done, then leave me alone to wallow in my feelings.

I chugged the drink and was contemplating having another when a hand landed on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Callum's brows were drawn in concern. "You took off like you saw a ghost." He dropped his hand. I could still feel the heat and weight of it, even though it was only there for a moment. I remembered every time he touched me. Every innocent touch was filed away in my head, more things to torment myself with.

He was still watching me with that concerned frown creasing his face. This close I could smell the expensive beard oil he used. It smelled faintly of sandalwood and something almost smoky. It was a scent I almost exclusively associated with him.

"Yeah fine, just had a thirst. This stuff is sweet as hell, but tasty." I smacked my lips loudly, knowing just how obnoxious it sounded.

"You planning on hitting those hard tonight?" Callum tilted his head towards the empty plastic cup I held.

"Well, I wasn't planning on getting munted and ruining Simon and Rhys's party, if that's what you're worried about," I answered peevishly.

"I wasn't judging, Mouse. I was asking a simple question," Callum said tiredly, as if he was already done with talking to me. I couldn't blame him. Most grew tired of me eventually.

"And I gave you an answer. No, I don't intend on getting drunk. Why is it any of your concern? I don't need your permission." I didn't know why I was lashing out at him like this—but then again, perhaps I did. The Daddy and spanking comments had left me rattled and had my brain asking questions I was having a hard time trying to bury.

Callum's eyes narrowed. "No, you don't need my permission, but you can take concern from a friend with a little more grace."

"Dad!" Alice's voice stopped the cutting words I was about to throw as she flung herself against Cal's waist.

"Hey, petal."

Alice bounced on the soles of her feet with excitement. "The DJ is playing music. Come dance with us." She spun to look at me, grinning. "Please, Mouse?"

I noticed the child standing behind Alice. "Hey, you must be Benji." My earlier bad mood left me in the face of this cute kid. "I love your skirt. "

Benji smiled shyly and twisted slowly back and forth. "Thank you. Mum and Uncle Cullen helped me make it."

"Well, it's lovely. Are you enjoying staying with your uncle?" I found it funny to think of gruff and grumpy Doc Cullen as a doting uncle, but I guessed you never knew everything about a person.

"He's nice. Like a big, grumpy, old cat," Benji answered, giggling.

"Rhys tells me the secret to getting him happy is Hobnobs, lots of 'em," I said in a conspiratorial whisper.

A woman closer to Cal's age than mine walked over smiling hesitantly. She bent down in front of Benji and kissed his cheek. "Are you having a fun time, love?"

"The best time. Alice and I are going to dance, but she wanted to ask her dad and Mouse if they would dance too."

The woman straightened up and smiled at us. "Mouse?"

I scratched my beard and grinned. "Uh, yeah. I'm Simon's baby brother. I think everyone in this town has actually forgotten my real name."

She chuckled, tipping her head towards Doc. "I've been calling Cullen ‘Doc' since we were little kids, so I get it. I'm Anne, by the way."

Benji whispered to Alice, and she grinned. "Benji says he likes your make-up."

"Why, thank you, Benji."

Benji blushed then tugged on Alice's hand. "Let's go dance." With that, the two of them bolted off to the dance floor.

"Your daughter is a sweetheart. She took Ben under her wing when he started at the school this week. The move has been hard for him, but I think he's going to be a lot happier here," Anne said, and I smiled. It wasn't the first time someone thought Alice was mine.

"Ah, Alice is his." I pointed to Cal. "But she is the best. I'm glad Benji is settling in. Alice mentioned you're staying with Doc?"

"Ah yes, while my husband is away. Ben and I have been staying with my parents and they are not the most accepting of people. They weren't directly cruel to Benji, but they didn't hide their displeasure at his clothing choices either, or Ben just being Ben. I'm not sure how long my husband will be deployed for, it could be another year, and I couldn't put Ben through living with my parents for that long." Anne blushed. "Sorry, you didn't ask for my life story."

"Don't worry about it. You'll find Tewsbury is an accepting place, and if Benji has any problems, let Mrs Watts know. She's the headmistress and won't put up with any shit," Callum said in his typical blunt manner.

"Thank you, I will. Ben identifies as a boy, but he has a love for all the pretty things, and I don't want my parents taking that away from him."

"Alice always looks like she has been in an explosion in a paint shop, and that girl has never met an outfit she couldn't make her own. I'm sure your Benji is in good hands. Just don't be surprised if even more lime green and hot pink turns up in his wardrobe," Callum answered, chuckling.

"Oh, I'm already seeing it. Well, I better get back to Doc. I was supposed to be protecting him from ‘that blasted hairdresser', whoever that is." Anne smiled and headed back to where Doc was standing glaring at Peregrin.

"Well, she seems a nice sort," Callum said, and I had to agree. "So, do you fancy a dance then, keep the kids happy?" he asked.

"Okay." Fuck. I didn't think this through.

"Don't look so scared. I promise I won't step on your feet too much." Callum gripped my elbow, gently leading me to the centre of the hall where a small dance floor had been made.

I wanted to feel indignation at Callum accusing me of being scared. I wasn't scared. I could dance. It was just dancing close, our bodies against one another, that gave me pause.

Thankfully the music was upbeat and fast, and the kids danced around us like colourful whirlwinds, giggling and talking up a storm. Some of the other youngsters joined them.

Their youthful exuberance was almost contagious. I smiled despite myself and danced around them, smirking as Callum shook his hips and performed outlandish dance moves.

Rhys was off to one side, rosy-cheeked and laughing, holding onto Simon. They both looked so damn happy. I was happy for them, overjoyed that they had each other, but I couldn't help feeling a pang of jealousy at what they had.

It was a foolish dream, and one I'd thought I'd given up on a long time ago. Even when I'd gotten with Ziggy, it hadn't been love—well, not at first. It had been a need for something more than the loneliness that had curled up inside my head and heart. I'd needed to feel wanted and desired, and for a short time I had with Zig, until I realised I would never be enough, or what he truly wanted. But I'd still stayed and settled for what he was willing to give me, not feeling like I deserved better. That was until I found him fucking a barely legal twink in our bed. He'd had the gall to smirk and ask if I wanted to join. It had hurt knowing I'd never been more than a warm body, and it had messed with my head, which was a messy place to start with.

I'd never felt like I was worth the bother. Like I was too much and not enough all in the same breath. I supposed I still felt like that. I'd tried talking to a therapist once about it and the feelings I carried from the crash, but it had felt wrong sharing those things and talking about my guilt. Those were my feelings alone, to deal with or not.

Rhys and Simon had found each other, and for that I was happy. Those annoying, pesky feelings it stirred in me, the sense of longing I felt when I looked at Callum, well, they could be shoved down deep and buried. I'd done it most of my adult life, and I saw no sense in stopping now.