19. Roark

When I was a child I often gazed at the stars. My father and I would sit on our front lawn together, feet angled toward the house, our heads tipped back. Starlight would dance across his pink surface, the same shade as my own, and his stories would fill my mind with fantasies of the future.

I asked him so many questions, I’m sure he lost count. Long before he’d succumbed to the plague, he’d been a dreamer, like I was.

How could the stars be so large, but look so small?

Where do they come from?

“What do they taste like, do you think?” I once asked. Barely six years old but already able to fully articulate my questions and feelings. Father read to me often. He shared his thoughts and aspirations. He answered my questions whenever he knew the answer. And his tutelage was part of why I’d grown so rapidly and so seriously. People often said I was his spitting image. A fact that had always filled me with pride.

“Stars taste like freedom,” Father answered. He’d been to space once. Once was enough.

Freedom.

He’d died not many years later. The doctor had tried to keep me at his bedside, but the lack of color in his surface made it obvious what had happened. So I’d run outside, the grass tickling my feet, instead. Staring at his corpse wouldn’t bring him back.

I looked at the constellations above, the inky night spread high and wide. And as I mourned, I wondered if he was right. So much had changed in such a small amount of time, and yet the stars remained the same as they’d always been. Father’s stories and dreams preserved in the sky he’d left behind and the son he’d left behind with it.

After I was moved to the orphanage, most days I spent my time corralling and protecting my adoptive siblings. I cleaned their messes, trailing behind them and sweeping up their chaos with a broom and dustpan. I was the Sahrk that kept them in line. I was the Sahrk that kept them safe. And when the plague struck, again, and our shared bedroom filled with sickly children—I was the one who was ready at hand for the healer and caretaker, to help wherever I could.

I couldn’t stand idly by. Not when those younger and smaller than me were at stake. I went hungry some days, so that those who needed extra provisions had them. And when the great storm cleared, and The Calamity lifted—the cure administered to all that occupied our planet—that drive to see those weaker than me safe, stayed.

I never forgot my father’s words, or the promise of the stars.

I never forgot who I was.

“I have never met a teenager more allergic to fun,” our caretaker would laugh, years later, when I’d sit on the grass, observing my siblings rather than joining them. When the sky bled violet and the moons peeked out, I ignored the other children’s chatter and counted down the days till I was old enough I could taste the stars myself.

I’d been captain for fifteen years now.

I’d been chasing the stars for far longer than that.

And yet—it wasn’t until this moment that I got a taste of what my father had promised. Huu-goh’s lips trembled against my own as I cradled him close.

He was warm.

His heat pressed tight against my body as we swung together to the lilting glide of the music in the air. The live orchestra at the ball was talented, but even their flawless performance didn’t hold a candle to the beauty of the small huu-man cradled in my arms.

He didn’t seem to mind the fact his feet didn’t touch the floor. He didn’t mind that I didn’t know how to mimic the other dancers surrounding us. He didn’t mind the way I cradled him close, tucked in the crook of my arm, his head on my chest.

Huu-goh’s lovely dark gaze hadn’t left mine once. Not when we’d left the elevator, not when we’d entered the ballroom, and not when we’d joined the group on the dance floor.

His eyes were mine and mine alone.

His lips tasted like freedom, slick from the trail of my tongue. I wished I had lips like he did. Soft, cushiony things I could kiss and nuzzle him with. Unfortunately, my tongue would have to do.

We were horrible at dancing, that much was true. But neither of us cared, or truly even noticed, despite Huu-goh’s earlier fears.

“What’s this?” Huu-goh asked as his fingers played with the pocket on my suit jacket. It took me a moment to blink away the daze I’d found myself in.

Oh.

I hadn't meant for him to see that yet .

I recognized the paper he’d found with fuschia-spotted embarrassment.

“Ah.” My throat clogged up like it had earlier, the words getting stuck as I shifted his body so it was supported by my right arm alone. Tendrils erupted from my wrist, winding around him to ensure he remained snuggly in place as my attention divided between dancing and the paper in his hand.

I pulled the note from his grip to flip it open.

Huu-goh examined it with sparkling curiosity.

What had I expected?

It was like he could sniff out all my secrets.

I should’ve known my clever mate would find my list.

“It’s a…” I’d spent an entire week writing the contents of this paper. I’d poured my heart and soul into it. I was embarrassed . Far more embarrassed of the list than I was of my lack of rhythm.

My hand trembled a little as I smoothed out its edges, buying myself time. Huu-goh’s tiny hand helped me with the worst of the creases. “It’s a list,” I admitted—painfully awkward.

Calm yourself, Roark.

This is what you wanted.

There is no need to fear.

“A list?” Huu-goh tilted his head inquisitively to the side. I didn’t think I’d ever tire of that particular tone of his voice, especially now that I could understand his questions. I only wished we could take the translators with us and that they’d work on the ship. That I wouldn’t have to wait until we reached home to speak freely again.

“It’s a list I prepared of all the questions I’d like to ask you,” I clarified.

Huu-goh’s eyes searched mine, full of something close enough to worship it made my throat close up. “Really?”

Why was he so surprised?

“I want to know you.” It took me a while to find the right words, but when I did, peace settled over me.

“Oh.” Huu-goh blinked, taking a moment to process this before he traced the first line on the list with his lovely peach-colored fingers. “What’s the first one say?”

He couldn’t read Common, so I’d be forced to ask him rather than let him read for himself. It was a blessing and a curse. It forced me out of my comfort zone, to speak when normally I’d stay silent. But it also meant getting to talk to Huu-goh with a list to aid me, and apparently I needed all the help I could get now that I was a nervous, happy wreck.

I took a steadying breath. I hadn’t expected to get into this so soon, and not while we were still dancing, but I figured if Huu-goh wanted to start now—who was I to stop him?

“When is your birthday?” I asked, voice gruff.

“April twenty-third,” he answered quickly. “I don’t know when that actually is, relative to what time it is now. Not anymore.” His last comment wasn’t sad, or even resigned. He was stating a fact, totally detached from the way it should’ve made him feel to lose something so important.

“Would you like a new birthday?” I asked, curious.

Huu-goh blinked, his big brown eyes swimming with an emotion I couldn’t name. His eyes squeezed shut and he nodded, a single tear slipping down his cheek.

“We’ll pick one together when we get back to the ship,” I murmured, a tendril slipping from my collar to swipe away the sticky, salty streak. I couldn’t believe how odd I’d found his tears at first. And now… now I had never seen anything more beautiful than Huu-goh’s vulnerability.

“How old are you?” I asked next. This was a lot. I didn’t want to overwhelm him.

“Twenty-one.”

I barked in amusement. “You are a baby ,” I teased.

“Oh, fuck you,” Huu-goh chuckled, then slapped a hand over his mouth like he hadn’t meant to say that. He’d been doing that a lot today.

“Later,” I promised, unable to help myself, tendrils urging his hand away from his mouth.

“How old are you ?” Huu-goh asked, his eyes narrowing, cheeks ruddy red.

“Forty-two,” I answered. “I do not know what that translates to in huu-man years, but on my planet I am within my prime.”

“Oh,” Huu-goh bit his lip. “I’m an adult too,” he blurted. “In case you literally meant you thought I was a baby. Dunno about being in my ‘prime’ or whatever, but…” I hadn’t worried, but I appreciated the reassurance all the same. It was common knowledge that A&R only abducted adults, so I’d never had cause to fear.

“How long did you work on F’ukYuu?” I asked, working my way down the list.

“Three years as far as I can tell.”

“Did you like it?”

This question took Huu-goh a lot longer to answer. His expression was pensive as he twisted his fingers in my suit, chewing on his bottom lip. “I liked…some of it.”

“What parts?” That was an easy one, hopefully.

“I liked…” Huu-goh batted his lashes, peeking shyly up at me, his lovely lip still caught between his blunt pearly teeth. “Meeting new people. Seeing different species. Learning new things—” He blinked, flushing a dark luscious pink. “I liked that people wanted to look at me. That I was…” he swallowed.

“Desired?”

“Yeah,” Huu-goh admitted. He appeared ashamed, and while every emotion looked lovely on him, I hated seeing him feel so unsure. After what he’d told me earlier, this did not surprise me. Nodding, I made a vow to never allow him to feel ignored or unimportant again.

“You deserve to be desired,” I told him.

“Thank you.” Huu-goh’s smile was tentative and shy. “Roark?”

“Yes?”

“That one night…you…” His brow furrowed like he was too embarrassed to ask. “You came back with red spots one time.” It seemed my little love had some questions of his own. He didn’t need a list to recall them, however—he was far cleverer than I was.

I frowned, confused.

Red spots? What was he talking about?

“Why were you…” Huu-goh looked miserable and scared. “I mean…I know what they mean. And you came back like that. But you were with Ushuu—so I just…”

“When was this?”

“Right after we had lunch with Ushuu?”

I racked my brain, trying to remember what he was talking about. When I did, I couldn’t stop a laugh from escaping. “You…” I shook my head. “You were so cute, Huu-goh. Pillow creases on your cheeks. Grumpy.” My words were stilted and shy, throat hoarse. “I wanted to fuck you the moment I opened the door.”

“Oh.” I had never seen him more pleased. “Ha! Okay. I mean. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.” He only paused for a moment before he added, “I have more questions.”

“I have answers.”

He chewed on his lip again, quiet for a few beats as music flooded the air and he very obviously mulled over what to say next. His nose scrunched like he was thinking hard. I loved the way his speckles danced when he did that, like stars on his skin. “Why were you there?” Huu-goh blinked.

What did he mean?

I grunted in question.

“At the club,” Huu-goh clarified. “You don’t seem like the kinda guy who goes to pleasure houses. No offense. Not that you couldn’t go, or shouldn’t —or anything. But you just…yeah. I’m gonna shut up now.”

I shook my head, offering him a soft smile that I hoped would convey that I was not offended.

I do not want to get this wrong.

I picked my next words carefully before I spoke.

I will not lie or frighten him.

There was a fine line between acting protective and treating him like a child. Huu-goh had seen more than I probably would in my entire lifetime. He didn’t let the fear of what had happened to him taint his future or the way he looked at the world. He had been through more than I would ever be able to fully comprehend. He had adapted and thrived where most fell and withered. He was not weak or naive, by any stretch.

But he was precious.

The most precious thing in my life.

And he could handle the weight of fear that I carried easily.

“There have been an increase in pirate attacks lately. Not on my ship, but others.” Just talking about it was enough to cause me to stiffen. “Traveling during this time is stressful. We had been in space for many moons before we reached your planet. The men needed something to distract themselves with so I accompanied them to your place of business out of worry for their safety.” For a moment I almost left it at that. But…then I realized what that implied about our species, and I quickly added on. “Sahrk culture is not…” I frowned, trying to find the right words to explain. “We are not as frivolous with our physical affection as some other species. Sex is for mates, but looking is allowed.”

“Sahrk,” Huu-goh echoed, rolling the name of my species over his tongue. He shook his head, then blinked, clearing his vision. “So, a strip club is kinda…the best thing ever for you guys then? And you were there because you wanted to protect the others?”

I wasn’t so sure about the first thing he’d said, but I nodded, because it seemed he understood.

“What about you?”

My brow furrowed. I made a questioning noise and he clarified. “You just explained why you accompanied them, but not why you went inside.” Huu-goh’s eyes filled with mischief. “Do you like to look, Roark?”

His cheeks were still flushed and the color was so pretty I wanted to taste it.

So I did.

Huu-goh giggled, his nose scrunching up delightfully all over again as my tongue slipped back inside my mouth, freedom dancing across my tastebuds. I loved that face. I loved all his faces, but that one was my favorite.

“I don’t,” I admitted honestly. He stiffened a little and I was quick to soothe. “Or at least. I hadn’t. Not until…I saw you.”

“Oh.” Huu-goh’s cheeks pinked again. “In the window?”

I had mentioned that, hadn’t I?

It’d been a slip of the tongue, but one I was glad for now.

Huu-goh cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed but pleased. He poked my list and I nodded, looking at the next item, prepared to read it off. “And…what about…the other part?” His voice got endearingly squeaky. “The sex thing. The touching. You said Sahrks only touch their mates.”

“That is correct,” I agreed.

“So is that what I am then?” Huu-goh asked, voice soft. “Your…mate?”

I’d had no doubt of my own intentions since the day Huu-goh had expressed his interest in mating with me.

“Yes. I am committed to you,” I needed him to know that. “I said no when we met because I did not know you. Mating is…personal. It is not something I had interest in before I met you. Sahrks mate for life.”

“Oh,” Huu-goh’s voice trembled.

“You proposed and I was shocked,” I admitted. The huu-man’s eyes widened, like it was only now that he was realizing the way his actions had been interpreted.

“Oh shit,” Huu-goh gasped out.

“I didn’t know if you’d meant what you’d done,” I added—now certain that he hadn’t. Did that mean…did that mean he hadn’t later either? That day when he’d gotten angry with me? The day that had changed my life irrevocably for the better?

The spots on my head must’ve betrayed my panic, because Huu-goh was quick to soothe. Intelligent enough he’d already figured out most colors.

“Roark,” he said softly, cupping my cheek. “I would propose again in a heartbeat, this time knowingly.”

Melting, I nodded, bumping my snout against his hair and sucking in his sweet smell.

“When we had sex for the first time, you didn’t intend for it to be serious?” I asked, terrified of his answer.

“I thought I was your pet,” Huu-goh countered.

“My…pet?” The thought was so absurd it made me laugh. But then I recalled the leash. And the way I’d kept him close—controlling his every move, and I sobered. “I am sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“In trying to keep you safe I left a terrible impression,” I admitted, and it was the truth. “I didn’t think you were incapable,” I hurried to add, in case he thought I did not see him as my equal when I did. “I have never thought of you as anything but my equal. My respect for you has no bounds. You have to understand that I have seen things…horrible things. And because of that, sometimes it is difficult for me to trust the world around me. It was not about you.”

“I’m glad you did,” Huu-goh admitted. “I’ll admit, it sucked because I didn’t understand what was happening. But…I think you were right to be worried I’d get into trouble. I mean—after that time in the hallway when I hit the switch I realized how easy it would’ve been for me to accidentally fuck something up. I was lucky that time was simply the light.”

I was ashamed as that day came back to me. The way I’d reacted. The way Huu-goh had to comfort me.

“I am sorry for the way I treated you,” I said.

Huu-goh shook his head, “I’m not.” I frowned, and he continued. “You let me comfort you. It was…nice.” He didn’t ask me why I’d reacted the way I had. And maybe that was why, despite never speaking of this—not once since it had happened—I opened up.

“When I was a new recruit we were invaded.”

Huu-goh’s eyes widened, but he didn’t interrupt.

“The lights went off—as they always do during pirate attacks. A safety measure to alert the ship that we’ve been breached midair.” Huu-goh nodded. “My captain…” I trailed off, jaw clenching tight as the memories assaulted my senses. “He…died.”

“Roark,” Huu-goh said softly, “I am so sorry.”

“It was my fault,” I admitted, still tense. My thoughts were suddenly very far away.

“It wasn’t,” Huu-goh reassured, his soft hands curling over my jaw and stroking the tense skin. He hadn’t been there, but his reassurance meant more than he’d ever know, even if he was wrong. My eyes drifted shut as he hummed softly, our same, sweet song. Though the orchestra continued to play, my heart only heard the notes on his tongue.

“You are not my pet,” I said quietly, because it needed to be said outright.

“I know,” Huu-goh replied with confidence.

Spinning in slow, lazy circles, Huu-goh and I didn’t speak for a while. I found myself swinging us to the beat of his song, and not the instruments. The other couples surrounding us glanced our way, some going so far as to make a rude gesture or comment, but we ignored them.

When I was ready to speak again, I turned to the list for help, reading off the next question. “What makes you happiest?” My voice was rough and I had to clear my throat multiple times to get the question out.

Huu-goh didn’t comment on our earlier silence, eagerly picking up the game right where we’d left off, like I hadn’t laid my heart out in the open for him. I was grateful. It was this silence that made me realize just how lucky I’d been to meet such a lovely, perfect man.

“What makes me happy…hmm,” Huu-goh frowned, thinking hard. “I guess…” his frown only grew deeper as he thought. “I guess—I like learning?” He blinked, his big brown eyes beseeching.

How delightful! I too, loved learning. It was one of the reasons I enjoyed space-travel so much. There was always something new to discover.

“What else?”

“I like…” Huu-goh toyed with my lapel, his voice quiet enough I had to lean closer to hear him. “Technology. Biology. Physics. Chemistry. Dogs .” He sucked in a breath. “Donuts.”

“Donuts,” I echoed, confused.

“Those pastry things. With the stuffing.”

“Ah.”

“I like pretty things,” Huu-goh blurted next, when it became obvious I was waiting for more. He shifted, his dress sparkling as the light caught the fabric. “Like this.” He plucked at the swooping neckline to demonstrate. “It makes me feel…” he trailed off.

I arched my brow, waiting.

“It makes me feel…” Huu-goh flushed again. “ Pretty .” The word was so quiet it wasn’t even a whisper.

“You are pretty,” I assured him, this time not stuttering or stumbling at all.

“Thank you,” Huu-goh flashed me another shy smile as he picked at my clothing, brown eyes warm. “You know you’re the first person who ever told me that?”

My heart ached for him.

“So yeah. Thank you. Seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so appreciated? Even my parents were—” Huu-goh continued.

“Your parents?” I perked up. I hadn’t wanted to mention his family, knowing that there was nothing I could do to return him to them. Our ships did not have the capacity to travel that far. The only vessels that could were owned by the same company that had abducted him.

“They never saw me,” Huu-goh’s lips wobbled. “I could be painted rainbow, holding a neon sign, and still be invisible. I used to think it was because I’m ugly. You know? So the fact that you think I’m not means…so much to me.”

“You are not ugly,” I scoffed.

“I know,” Huu-goh’s eyes crinkled with affection. “It was a dumb thought I had when I was a kid. Because I wasn’t…what either of them wanted. I feel different now. At least—I do right now. Today. Wearing this.”

Ah.

Suddenly, so much made sense. His brilliance, and the way he acted nervous every time he exhibited it. The way he searched for praise. The way he melted beneath kind words and touch, like it was his first time experiencing either.

Maybe it was.

“I am sorry your parents did not love you the way you deserve to be loved.” No words had ever felt more important. “If they did not see you, it was because they are blind, not because you are not worthy of attention.”

Tears spilled down Huu-goh’s cheeks as he laughed, a bright, desperate little sound. “You have…” he sucked in a breath, “no idea what that means to me.”

My tongue snaked out to kiss him again.

For hours, I learned everything I could about my little love. I learned his favorite food was something called pee-za . I learned that he’d been about to attend caw-lege when he was abducted. I learned what kind of music he liked, what his hobbies were, the things that kept him up at night. I learned about his father, the late-night meetings, the lipstick on his collar. The way Huu-goh never felt he could truly trust someone because he’d been raised by a liar and knew what it looked like. I learned about pretty things.

The things he’d always wanted, but never knew he could have. The things he’d been certain wouldn’t suit someone “plain” like he was.

Huu-goh told me about his sixteenth birthday.

The birthday that changed everything.

The way his heart had broken in half when he’d realized how little he mattered to the people who were supposed to love him most.

He told me about the science fairs he’d won.

About his scholarship to Her-Verd—a highly prestigious school.

About the dog he’d tried to adopt. About his favorite movie, Spai-Der Man.

He told me about how he’d flunked the test A&R had given him on purpose. Because he’d thought they’d send him back home. But then they didn't.

He laughed, and laughed, and laughed when he told me about the man with “too-many-thumbs”, and he shook when he spoke of “the red door” that had made him more frightened than anything else he’d experienced.

I asked how to please him when we went back aboard the ship.

Asked what he was missing.

And Huu-goh opened up for me. His vulnerability was far more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen, the stars included. If I’d thought he was brilliant and resilient before—it was nothing compared to how I felt about him now.

I had never respected another being more than I did Huu-goh. And I made sure to tell him as much, the truth to soothe whatever aches the talk of the past had left on his heart.

And when Huu-goh was done answering my questions, he asked me questions of his own.

And I returned the favor.

He had a question to match every one of mine, and despite the way the words felt awkward and too large, I still answered. I told him things I’d never told anyone. Personal things. Stories I’d thought I’d bring to my grave with me.

I spoke of Ushuu. The way he’d taken me under his wing. I regaled him with tales about Captain Strongfoot, the man that had taught me everything I knew.

How I ached when I remembered his last words, spoken with blood spilling from his lips.

I recalled the nightmares that still plagued me when I was most vulnerable.

He learned about my father, and the way I couldn’t truly miss him because every time I looked at the stars I felt him looking back. I told Huu-goh about my siblings, all seventy-three of them. The way I’d watched children get adopted into new families, while I stood in the background, aching.

Happy for them.

Glad to stay, so that I could be of use.

But sad all the same.

I told him he tasted like starlight and freedom.

And he told me he loved how protective I was.

That he could see how much I cared because of it.

My greatest insecurity. The part of me that I knew could be the darkest, and ugliest. And Huu-goh told me he loved it.

Most important of all, however, I told Huu-goh that I had never been happier in all my life.

And he fluttered my face with kisses and told me, “Same.”

I understood what Huu-goh meant now, about being invisible. Because with every chortle, every smile, every kind word, I felt myself solidify. With every silent story I’d kept to myself, shared, I felt real in a way I never had before.

It was funny how it had taken me this long to realize just how desperately lonely I’d been all this time.

But I wasn’t lonely anymore.

I had my mate beside me, and he was remarkable, clever, and vibrant.

When the ballroom emptied and the orchestra packed up their instruments, despite the fact we’d been dancing off beat for hours, Huu-goh and I continued to spin. My hearts thumped and thumped and thumped . In the silence, as everyone else left, Huu-goh laid his head on my chest, toying with the collar of my shirt, and I thought…

I thought?—

You are what I’ve been waiting for.

All of my life.